That Time Of Year (AIW One-Shot) - Part 1 of 2
I've been trying to get the juices flowing so I decided I would write this one-shot idea for Adventures in Wonderland I've had in mind for a really long time. The only thing I knew about what I would write beforehand was the reason why I had the idea.
The origin of the term "mad as a March hare" comes from the fact that hares, according to Annotated Alice, breed in spring, or, March, I guess... So I thought Hare should abide by that rule and become explosively sexual during that time. A little inspiration comes from that episode of Family Guy called Lethal Weapons where Lois learns taekwondo. XD
I'll need to do the rest later, so this is the first half. It was fun! It's a side to the characters I don't usually explore.
THAT TIME OF YEAR
A One-Shot by Yours Truly
(Part 1)
A warm Wonderland breeze hit Tweedle-Dum as he reclined in his hammock in front of the house. Tweedle-Dee was nearby, laying in his own and tossing a ball into the air, bored out of his mind.
"You know..." Dum started up, "If someone were writing a story about us, this would be a really bad time to start."
Dee rolled his eyes, but played along.
"Yeah, and that would be a really bad line to start it with."
"Really? I think it'd be a little bit... clever..." Dum trailed. Dee thought a moment, then tossed him the ball before he was prepared to catch it and it soared off into the yard behind him. Dum sighed a little and went for it, squatting in front of some bushes and digging around. At this moment, a grey hand emerged from the leaves, presenting the ball to him with some sort of indifference in its manner.
"WOAH!-" Dum threw himself backwards.
"Shhh! It's okay!" The bush reassured. This just alarmed Dum even more. "It's me! Hatter!"
By then Dee had made his way over.
"What the fuck is- ... Hatter?" Hatter rose from the bush just a bit. His face was now covered in scratches. "Would it.... would it be too prying to ask what you're doing?" Dee asked, eyebrow raised.
"I-I know what it looks like. I promise I wasn't spying on you. That was a one time thing," Hatter reasoned in all seriousness.
The Tweedles glanced at each other uncomfortably and extended their arms to Hatter, who nervously stepped out, looking in each direction, even far off in the distance, as they lead him to the front door. "Here's your ball," he offered again to Dum.
They gathered in the kitchen, though the silence seemed to be creeping up on Hatter the most, who obviously had some explaining to do.
The Tweedles continuously sent him side-long glances, but all he did was dart his eyes around and cross his arms, twitching every so often.
"Uhm... oh shit, I guess I have to be the one..." Dee trailed. "...Something wrong?"
"No!" Hatter insisted, pained.
Dum eyed a nearby clock.
"You don't have any tea parties to get to?"
Hatter bit his lip and turned his head ever so slightly. "They're... canceled."
"Iiiighh..." The Tweedles looked at each other again.
"Sayyy!" Hatter broke out, "mind if I hang out here a while?!" He swished his hands cheerily.
"I... m'ughm... Sure. We weren't doing anything," Dee said.
"Great!" Hatter came out into the living room and the two confused hosts followed, watching him as he shut himself inside a closet. Silence followed.
"...Hatter?" Dee asked to the closed door. "I know this is kind of a stretch, but are you... hiding from someone?"
Nobody answered.
"Because if you are, you can just tell us."
"If we knew what we were hiding you from, i-it might actually help," Dum added.
Still, there was no response.
"Are you and the hare having a fight, or something?" Dee tried.
The door slowly cracked open after a pregnant pause. Hatter's blue-green eye was visible in the shadow.
"It's not a fight, but it's just as lethal."
The two stared at the eye, without the slightest clue what he meant.
"...It's March 1st."
"...Yes it is!" Dum confirmed.
"And tomorrow will be March 2nd!"
"That's really too far ahead for me to conceive at this moment," Hatter said through the crack. "Every day is a battlefield!"
"Hatter, come on, this is ridiculous! What's going on between you two?!"
"I TOLD you!" Hatter whined, opening the door and waving his arms around at them. "It's March! The ultimate month of sex for hares!" He exclaimed.
"...Wha-"
"Hare's in heat!"
At that, Dum looked like he was about to throw up in his mouth.
"Last year I barely made it out alive," he continued, fingers curling. "I thought I could handle it, being as fantabulously sexual as I am, but by day sixteen, it was like I had been playing ultimate sports nonstop, you know like that episode of Spongebob with Sandy before hibernation... except with sex... Ogughgh... He made me feel like the woman!"
Suddenly Hatter was sobbing on the floor. Normally, the Tweedles would've came at him and gave him some reassuring pats on the shoulder, but today they seemed reluctant now to even touch each other, in completely platonic ways.
They waited for the crying to die down, but Hatter kept at it.
"Why don't you just... tell him no... " Dum started, "you know, like-"
"'No' is just foreplay to him!... All I have to do is blink a certain way and he considers it cue-"
"O-okay, okay, uhm..." Dum tried to talk him through it. Dee leaned into the back of the couch and bit his nails a little.
Before anyone could make any more suggestions, there was knocking on the door. Hatter's whines stifled and he backed up into the closet again, reaching up for the handle and closing the door in front of him. After a hesitant pause, the Tweedles came to the door and looked through the peephole. Nobody but a bedraggled white rabbit was at the porch so they opened up. He met eyes with both of them before anybody spoke.
"...Can we help you?" Dee asked.
"I'm looking for Hatta~."
Their eyes enlarged.
"Oh God, you too? I thought it was just hares-" Dee quickly slapped his hand over Dum's mouth.
"Hahahahaha! Isn't Dum an idiot?" Dee joked. Dum's brow dropped.
Rabbit didn't know how to answer that one so he put a hand on his hip and waited for a legitimate answer to his question.
"Sorry, we haven't seen him. Why do you ask?"
"Because his buddy~... turned the entire courtyard upside down looking for him and now the Queen is pissed! Why else would I care to look for him?!"
They weren't prepared for his snarkiness.
"Uhh..."
"If you happen to see him, the Queen says to return him to He'a~ immediately. Neither of us have time for this bullshit today. Her Majesty has a ball to plan and an interview with Wonderland Homes and Gardens."
"Alright..."
The bunny awkwardly made his way down the porch steps and rolled away before Dee closed the door.
"Shit. What now? With the Queen in on this, there's no way he can hide, for long..."
"Well I don't see why not, we just lied to him and Hatter's still in our closet-" Dum tried, but Dee wasn't paying attention.
"Listen Hatter," he said, opening the door. "Dum and I will go find Hare. We won't tell him where you are, we'll just talk to him. Calm him down. I-It's just you he wants to have sex with, ...right?"
"Who else in Wonderland would anyone want to have sex with?..." Hatter asked himself, although he was sitting on the floor hugging his knees all the while.
Dee narrowed his eyes at the assumption before closing the door again.
"Come on, let's go."
"M-maybe we should bring some kind of repellent... just in case... Like some garlic, or something."
Dee scoffed. "He's a horny hare, not a vampire."
They came out the front door and started walking down the path. "If there was reason to worry, I guess he would've already been mounting Rabbit," Dee added, thoughtfully.
"Hah! Not a sight I'd particularly like to see..."
"I'd have to douse my eyes with bleach."
They continued on their way, trying to laugh it off as best they could, unaware of what lied ahead.
* * *
Some time later, Hatter was spinning a thimble he'd found in his pocket on the closet floor when he heard the front door burst open. His whole body went stiff as a group of feet scampered around the entry way and the door slammed closed. Hatter put his ear to the crack, but there was unusual silence on the outside.
"It's just us, Hatter," Dum's voice said, surprisingly close to the door. Hatter shot into the back end of the closet like he'd just been suctioned before he realized he was safe. When he opened the door about half way, he could see Dum walking away, seemingly exhausted, and kerplunking on the couch near Dee, and...
"Alice?!" The disturbed gaze she had on the coffee table came to an end when she heard her name called. Her eyes began to wander in his direction, slowly, wistfully, as if Hatter might have some answer to her existence. "What the fuck is she doing here?!"
"We saw him..." Dee began, his body dramatically lain over the love seat. "We thought he might be at your house, waiting at the tea table... But he wasn't there... We tried the palace... He had been sent off..."
"So we continued to look for him..." Dum added, his voice equally dead. "And there he was..."
"Like a demon lurking the forest! Eyes a'glow!"
"I don't question my life very often... But that man... that bunny-man... emanated such a raw dangerous passion..." The group seemed to stop a moment to raise their eyebrows at Dum, except for Alice. She no longer looked present in the moment.
"And poor Alice..." Dee continued. "Had no idea that Hare was in such an unapproachable state... She witnessed a horror nobody should..."
Dum leaned over and clutched her by the shoulders. "It's okay, Alice... you're with us now."
Favorite Quote(s)
"That's really too far ahead for me to conceive at this moment," Hatter said through the crack. "Every day is a battlefield!"
"It was like I had been playing ultimate sports nonstop, you know like that episode of Spongebob with Sandy before hibernation... except with sex..."
"I-It's just you he wants to have sex with, ...right?"
"Who else in Wonderland would anyone want to have sex with?..."
The origin of the term "mad as a March hare" comes from the fact that hares, according to Annotated Alice, breed in spring, or, March, I guess... So I thought Hare should abide by that rule and become explosively sexual during that time. A little inspiration comes from that episode of Family Guy called Lethal Weapons where Lois learns taekwondo. XD
I'll need to do the rest later, so this is the first half. It was fun! It's a side to the characters I don't usually explore.
THAT TIME OF YEAR
A One-Shot by Yours Truly
(Part 1)
A warm Wonderland breeze hit Tweedle-Dum as he reclined in his hammock in front of the house. Tweedle-Dee was nearby, laying in his own and tossing a ball into the air, bored out of his mind.
"You know..." Dum started up, "If someone were writing a story about us, this would be a really bad time to start."
Dee rolled his eyes, but played along.
"Yeah, and that would be a really bad line to start it with."
"Really? I think it'd be a little bit... clever..." Dum trailed. Dee thought a moment, then tossed him the ball before he was prepared to catch it and it soared off into the yard behind him. Dum sighed a little and went for it, squatting in front of some bushes and digging around. At this moment, a grey hand emerged from the leaves, presenting the ball to him with some sort of indifference in its manner.
"WOAH!-" Dum threw himself backwards.
"Shhh! It's okay!" The bush reassured. This just alarmed Dum even more. "It's me! Hatter!"
By then Dee had made his way over.
"What the fuck is- ... Hatter?" Hatter rose from the bush just a bit. His face was now covered in scratches. "Would it.... would it be too prying to ask what you're doing?" Dee asked, eyebrow raised.
"I-I know what it looks like. I promise I wasn't spying on you. That was a one time thing," Hatter reasoned in all seriousness.
The Tweedles glanced at each other uncomfortably and extended their arms to Hatter, who nervously stepped out, looking in each direction, even far off in the distance, as they lead him to the front door. "Here's your ball," he offered again to Dum.
They gathered in the kitchen, though the silence seemed to be creeping up on Hatter the most, who obviously had some explaining to do.
The Tweedles continuously sent him side-long glances, but all he did was dart his eyes around and cross his arms, twitching every so often.
"Uhm... oh shit, I guess I have to be the one..." Dee trailed. "...Something wrong?"
"No!" Hatter insisted, pained.
Dum eyed a nearby clock.
"You don't have any tea parties to get to?"
Hatter bit his lip and turned his head ever so slightly. "They're... canceled."
"Iiiighh..." The Tweedles looked at each other again.
"Sayyy!" Hatter broke out, "mind if I hang out here a while?!" He swished his hands cheerily.
"I... m'ughm... Sure. We weren't doing anything," Dee said.
"Great!" Hatter came out into the living room and the two confused hosts followed, watching him as he shut himself inside a closet. Silence followed.
"...Hatter?" Dee asked to the closed door. "I know this is kind of a stretch, but are you... hiding from someone?"
Nobody answered.
"Because if you are, you can just tell us."
"If we knew what we were hiding you from, i-it might actually help," Dum added.
Still, there was no response.
"Are you and the hare having a fight, or something?" Dee tried.
The door slowly cracked open after a pregnant pause. Hatter's blue-green eye was visible in the shadow.
"It's not a fight, but it's just as lethal."
The two stared at the eye, without the slightest clue what he meant.
"...It's March 1st."
"...Yes it is!" Dum confirmed.
"And tomorrow will be March 2nd!"
"That's really too far ahead for me to conceive at this moment," Hatter said through the crack. "Every day is a battlefield!"
"Hatter, come on, this is ridiculous! What's going on between you two?!"
"I TOLD you!" Hatter whined, opening the door and waving his arms around at them. "It's March! The ultimate month of sex for hares!" He exclaimed.
"...Wha-"
"Hare's in heat!"
At that, Dum looked like he was about to throw up in his mouth.
"Last year I barely made it out alive," he continued, fingers curling. "I thought I could handle it, being as fantabulously sexual as I am, but by day sixteen, it was like I had been playing ultimate sports nonstop, you know like that episode of Spongebob with Sandy before hibernation... except with sex... Ogughgh... He made me feel like the woman!"
Suddenly Hatter was sobbing on the floor. Normally, the Tweedles would've came at him and gave him some reassuring pats on the shoulder, but today they seemed reluctant now to even touch each other, in completely platonic ways.
They waited for the crying to die down, but Hatter kept at it.
"Why don't you just... tell him no... " Dum started, "you know, like-"
"'No' is just foreplay to him!... All I have to do is blink a certain way and he considers it cue-"
"O-okay, okay, uhm..." Dum tried to talk him through it. Dee leaned into the back of the couch and bit his nails a little.
Before anyone could make any more suggestions, there was knocking on the door. Hatter's whines stifled and he backed up into the closet again, reaching up for the handle and closing the door in front of him. After a hesitant pause, the Tweedles came to the door and looked through the peephole. Nobody but a bedraggled white rabbit was at the porch so they opened up. He met eyes with both of them before anybody spoke.
"...Can we help you?" Dee asked.
"I'm looking for Hatta~."
Their eyes enlarged.
"Oh God, you too? I thought it was just hares-" Dee quickly slapped his hand over Dum's mouth.
"Hahahahaha! Isn't Dum an idiot?" Dee joked. Dum's brow dropped.
Rabbit didn't know how to answer that one so he put a hand on his hip and waited for a legitimate answer to his question.
"Sorry, we haven't seen him. Why do you ask?"
"Because his buddy~... turned the entire courtyard upside down looking for him and now the Queen is pissed! Why else would I care to look for him?!"
They weren't prepared for his snarkiness.
"Uhh..."
"If you happen to see him, the Queen says to return him to He'a~ immediately. Neither of us have time for this bullshit today. Her Majesty has a ball to plan and an interview with Wonderland Homes and Gardens."
"Alright..."
The bunny awkwardly made his way down the porch steps and rolled away before Dee closed the door.
"Shit. What now? With the Queen in on this, there's no way he can hide, for long..."
"Well I don't see why not, we just lied to him and Hatter's still in our closet-" Dum tried, but Dee wasn't paying attention.
"Listen Hatter," he said, opening the door. "Dum and I will go find Hare. We won't tell him where you are, we'll just talk to him. Calm him down. I-It's just you he wants to have sex with, ...right?"
"Who else in Wonderland would anyone want to have sex with?..." Hatter asked himself, although he was sitting on the floor hugging his knees all the while.
Dee narrowed his eyes at the assumption before closing the door again.
"Come on, let's go."
"M-maybe we should bring some kind of repellent... just in case... Like some garlic, or something."
Dee scoffed. "He's a horny hare, not a vampire."
They came out the front door and started walking down the path. "If there was reason to worry, I guess he would've already been mounting Rabbit," Dee added, thoughtfully.
"Hah! Not a sight I'd particularly like to see..."
"I'd have to douse my eyes with bleach."
They continued on their way, trying to laugh it off as best they could, unaware of what lied ahead.
* * *
Some time later, Hatter was spinning a thimble he'd found in his pocket on the closet floor when he heard the front door burst open. His whole body went stiff as a group of feet scampered around the entry way and the door slammed closed. Hatter put his ear to the crack, but there was unusual silence on the outside.
"It's just us, Hatter," Dum's voice said, surprisingly close to the door. Hatter shot into the back end of the closet like he'd just been suctioned before he realized he was safe. When he opened the door about half way, he could see Dum walking away, seemingly exhausted, and kerplunking on the couch near Dee, and...
"Alice?!" The disturbed gaze she had on the coffee table came to an end when she heard her name called. Her eyes began to wander in his direction, slowly, wistfully, as if Hatter might have some answer to her existence. "What the fuck is she doing here?!"
"We saw him..." Dee began, his body dramatically lain over the love seat. "We thought he might be at your house, waiting at the tea table... But he wasn't there... We tried the palace... He had been sent off..."
"So we continued to look for him..." Dum added, his voice equally dead. "And there he was..."
"Like a demon lurking the forest! Eyes a'glow!"
"I don't question my life very often... But that man... that bunny-man... emanated such a raw dangerous passion..." The group seemed to stop a moment to raise their eyebrows at Dum, except for Alice. She no longer looked present in the moment.
"And poor Alice..." Dee continued. "Had no idea that Hare was in such an unapproachable state... She witnessed a horror nobody should..."
Dum leaned over and clutched her by the shoulders. "It's okay, Alice... you're with us now."
Favorite Quote(s)
"That's really too far ahead for me to conceive at this moment," Hatter said through the crack. "Every day is a battlefield!"
"It was like I had been playing ultimate sports nonstop, you know like that episode of Spongebob with Sandy before hibernation... except with sex..."
"I-It's just you he wants to have sex with, ...right?"
"Who else in Wonderland would anyone want to have sex with?..."