♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
It's nice, what's happened in the past month+. I've found new reasons to accept myself, reasons I don't have to struggle to believe. I've stopped worrying quite as much about getting older and stopped feeling like because its taken me a while to do things I want I must be a failure. I'm moving past an awful spell that I'd not been in since high school (to a lesser degree) where I compared myself to other girls and didn't think I would be worthy up against them.
A lot of this negativity happened because of three main reasons. The first and second is combined: I was having to deal with depression for the first year and a half post grad, untreated. I experienced the discouragement of not being able to find work, and it confirmed some strong convictions I'd been having about not being good enough/possibly making a mistake. This didn't wear off after getting medicated. It was something my mind and heart was tangled in, that I needed to work through, and I needed to work through it with lovely people like the ones I spent my time with on vacation last October. People who have the experience and wisdom and concern for my future to build me up and offer real help. Instead, what I did was get into a relationship with a severely damaged individual with no life experience, no wisdom, and no real concern for me. The third reason is him. Before he dumped me (freed me from what I didn't know was an abusive situation), he confided in me his urge to pursue more worthy women in his eyes, and had convinced me time and time again that I was the one messing up my own life because of flaws in my character.
So for the first time I felt like a failure in my career path AND a failure as a woman. I took time passing to mean I was becoming more of a failure.
But I don't feel that way anymore. Those clutches of depression/not having a career yet/my ex are feeling very weak these days. I have my relatives and friends and even a stranger or two to thank for that. I can thank my aunt Carol and uncle David for all their advice and ideas and encouragement to move down to Cali (still trying to figure that out! Really need to call auntie again!), and I can thank Richard K. for flattering the hell out of me and trying to help me find a job (which he's still doing!). I remember when my aunt and I were on the phone together, she said something hard to forget, something like "you're at the perfect age to make a decision like that. You are still so young with your life ahead of you, but you're not so fresh out of college that you haven't explored your options where you are: you've come to your decision with care and grown more into yourself."
The more I think about that, the more that I agree. I mean, it may sound daunting to turn 27 later this month, because I have never been that old before!, but what I do know is that the me of now is so much more interesting, educated, outgoing, accomplished, financially stable, and skilled than the me that turned 20. And, frankly, I'm attracting all the guys in between those ages, anyway lol, who have no idea I'm that old until I tell them, but it's often because of what my age has lent me that I have that appeal. Last year, around this time, I felt I had everything to offer a man. Well, now I feel that way again, but even more.
I can thank my sister for taking me out to lunch and doing favors for me and being around to talk. I can thank my friend Bunny for all her unpaid counseling service she lent me even though she is a legit psychiatrist. lmao She has said so many affirming things and helped me understand what I've been through. I can thank my other friend Lian, and recently Emily, for sharing their own stories and talking to me about some of these things.
I have all my HT readers to thank for making me feel what I write has a purpose. I know that I should have more security than this, but when no one gives feedback it's really difficult to believe I'm creating something worth it. I have to feel that push of knowing there is someone out there who cares, whose life is altered in some way, even if that is just a boost of inspiration to work on whatever they need it for. It means so much more than any of you could possibly realize, just to get a heartfelt response about some pondering I had about this or that character, or an honest reaction to pieces of prose that I dare to share.
Also, this is maybe weird and unexpected, but I have to thank Sierra Boggess just for these past few weeks of inspiration and positivity. I don't remember why I felt compelled to look her up on youtube, but when I found her parading around and waking up unsuspecting cast members in the Red Death costume, there was no turning back and I started consuming material about her. I watched all of her Phantom vlogs, all of her "It Shoulda Been You" vlogs, then I moved on to her FB page and instagram, walked in on her Periscope, read articles about her, and I've just started getting to the "Rierra" phenomenon, the really touchy-feely friendship that looks like a relationship that she has with the (married) Phantom actor Ramin Karimloo. (Just FYI to R & A, these two are the Phantom and Christine in the 25th anniversary performance. Though I'm sad that DVD doesn't play on my television, I still love love love that you sent it to me. ♥)
I guess I've fallen in love with her! I guess she's my new girl crush. I've been thinking about her all day every day now, just trying to keep her spirit in my pocket, if you know what I mean. She's the kind of woman I aim to be, who awes me with her talent and the good things she has attracted/earned in her life, but she has this encouraging, inclusive, sisterly attitude that doesn't make me feel small, self-conscious, jealous... in that way that is very easy to feel sometimes with people better off than you. I wish that I'd discovered her months ago, to be honest. If you watch her vlogs, she's a huge dork, too. You see that it's the little things that really power her through, things that we can all have even if we aren't huge Broadway stars, you know? She's normal looking under all those costumes and heavy makeup, and even shows up in vlogs looking like she just rolled out of bed. lol And if I may say so without sounding weird for noticing, her boobs are really small too, and it just enforces for me that boobs don't matter if a woman is awesome enough.
I've been hating the smile line that has gotten really obvious on my face, but I see hers and feel a little more accepting of it. I worried that as I got older, I was still not "acting my age", but I think the kind of spirit I'm wanting to retain isn't necessarily youthful, just happy and playful and imaginative, and there's nothing wrong with that, and nothing exclusively youthful about those things. I see it in all of her videos and posts, not just within her but within her cast members of varying age. They're enjoying their lives - they're my kind of people. I still wonder all this time, if I had just become an actress, if I'd feel more at home.
Actually, seeing those vlogs has made me wonder more if I have had negative views about myself because the people I'm around aren't on the same wavelength/aren't inspiring/act ways that I wouldn't act/want things I wouldn't want, often enough that my desires and the things that I value seem silly or inappropriate or impractical. Moving to Cali could really help me find a niche that keeps me feeling the way I even started to feel, living vicariously through Sierra's videos.
Anyhoo, I'm going to end this post with the last part of a video that I keep going back to watch because it so tickles me. This was the first instance I thought to find out what her whole deal is with Ramin Karimloo. The show she was in last year, "It Shoulda Been You", was about a wedding, so she concluded her vlog by asking her viewers who they'd want to sing at their wedding. She was about to answer the question for herself before she saw that Ramin had somehow gotten into her apartment xD ♥ Past and current Phantoms just seem to follow her around. XDDD
(Jump to 12:30, k? :D)
A lot of this negativity happened because of three main reasons. The first and second is combined: I was having to deal with depression for the first year and a half post grad, untreated. I experienced the discouragement of not being able to find work, and it confirmed some strong convictions I'd been having about not being good enough/possibly making a mistake. This didn't wear off after getting medicated. It was something my mind and heart was tangled in, that I needed to work through, and I needed to work through it with lovely people like the ones I spent my time with on vacation last October. People who have the experience and wisdom and concern for my future to build me up and offer real help. Instead, what I did was get into a relationship with a severely damaged individual with no life experience, no wisdom, and no real concern for me. The third reason is him. Before he dumped me (freed me from what I didn't know was an abusive situation), he confided in me his urge to pursue more worthy women in his eyes, and had convinced me time and time again that I was the one messing up my own life because of flaws in my character.
So for the first time I felt like a failure in my career path AND a failure as a woman. I took time passing to mean I was becoming more of a failure.
But I don't feel that way anymore. Those clutches of depression/not having a career yet/my ex are feeling very weak these days. I have my relatives and friends and even a stranger or two to thank for that. I can thank my aunt Carol and uncle David for all their advice and ideas and encouragement to move down to Cali (still trying to figure that out! Really need to call auntie again!), and I can thank Richard K. for flattering the hell out of me and trying to help me find a job (which he's still doing!). I remember when my aunt and I were on the phone together, she said something hard to forget, something like "you're at the perfect age to make a decision like that. You are still so young with your life ahead of you, but you're not so fresh out of college that you haven't explored your options where you are: you've come to your decision with care and grown more into yourself."
The more I think about that, the more that I agree. I mean, it may sound daunting to turn 27 later this month, because I have never been that old before!, but what I do know is that the me of now is so much more interesting, educated, outgoing, accomplished, financially stable, and skilled than the me that turned 20. And, frankly, I'm attracting all the guys in between those ages, anyway lol, who have no idea I'm that old until I tell them, but it's often because of what my age has lent me that I have that appeal. Last year, around this time, I felt I had everything to offer a man. Well, now I feel that way again, but even more.
I can thank my sister for taking me out to lunch and doing favors for me and being around to talk. I can thank my friend Bunny for all her unpaid counseling service she lent me even though she is a legit psychiatrist. lmao She has said so many affirming things and helped me understand what I've been through. I can thank my other friend Lian, and recently Emily, for sharing their own stories and talking to me about some of these things.
I have all my HT readers to thank for making me feel what I write has a purpose. I know that I should have more security than this, but when no one gives feedback it's really difficult to believe I'm creating something worth it. I have to feel that push of knowing there is someone out there who cares, whose life is altered in some way, even if that is just a boost of inspiration to work on whatever they need it for. It means so much more than any of you could possibly realize, just to get a heartfelt response about some pondering I had about this or that character, or an honest reaction to pieces of prose that I dare to share.
Also, this is maybe weird and unexpected, but I have to thank Sierra Boggess just for these past few weeks of inspiration and positivity. I don't remember why I felt compelled to look her up on youtube, but when I found her parading around and waking up unsuspecting cast members in the Red Death costume, there was no turning back and I started consuming material about her. I watched all of her Phantom vlogs, all of her "It Shoulda Been You" vlogs, then I moved on to her FB page and instagram, walked in on her Periscope, read articles about her, and I've just started getting to the "Rierra" phenomenon, the really touchy-feely friendship that looks like a relationship that she has with the (married) Phantom actor Ramin Karimloo. (Just FYI to R & A, these two are the Phantom and Christine in the 25th anniversary performance. Though I'm sad that DVD doesn't play on my television, I still love love love that you sent it to me. ♥)
I guess I've fallen in love with her! I guess she's my new girl crush. I've been thinking about her all day every day now, just trying to keep her spirit in my pocket, if you know what I mean. She's the kind of woman I aim to be, who awes me with her talent and the good things she has attracted/earned in her life, but she has this encouraging, inclusive, sisterly attitude that doesn't make me feel small, self-conscious, jealous... in that way that is very easy to feel sometimes with people better off than you. I wish that I'd discovered her months ago, to be honest. If you watch her vlogs, she's a huge dork, too. You see that it's the little things that really power her through, things that we can all have even if we aren't huge Broadway stars, you know? She's normal looking under all those costumes and heavy makeup, and even shows up in vlogs looking like she just rolled out of bed. lol And if I may say so without sounding weird for noticing, her boobs are really small too, and it just enforces for me that boobs don't matter if a woman is awesome enough.
I've been hating the smile line that has gotten really obvious on my face, but I see hers and feel a little more accepting of it. I worried that as I got older, I was still not "acting my age", but I think the kind of spirit I'm wanting to retain isn't necessarily youthful, just happy and playful and imaginative, and there's nothing wrong with that, and nothing exclusively youthful about those things. I see it in all of her videos and posts, not just within her but within her cast members of varying age. They're enjoying their lives - they're my kind of people. I still wonder all this time, if I had just become an actress, if I'd feel more at home.
Actually, seeing those vlogs has made me wonder more if I have had negative views about myself because the people I'm around aren't on the same wavelength/aren't inspiring/act ways that I wouldn't act/want things I wouldn't want, often enough that my desires and the things that I value seem silly or inappropriate or impractical. Moving to Cali could really help me find a niche that keeps me feeling the way I even started to feel, living vicariously through Sierra's videos.
Anyhoo, I'm going to end this post with the last part of a video that I keep going back to watch because it so tickles me. This was the first instance I thought to find out what her whole deal is with Ramin Karimloo. The show she was in last year, "It Shoulda Been You", was about a wedding, so she concluded her vlog by asking her viewers who they'd want to sing at their wedding. She was about to answer the question for herself before she saw that Ramin had somehow gotten into her apartment xD ♥ Past and current Phantoms just seem to follow her around. XDDD
(Jump to 12:30, k? :D)
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