Hmmmmmmmm.......
Last week, I was on vaca, and I must say, there are aspects of it that I miss terribly.
I was ready to go home when the time came. Not having your own bed to sleep in or coffee just the way you have it at home can throw you off after a while. lol The rooms I stayed in had too much sunlight. The HOUSES I stayed in had too much sunlight. It's still summer in California, by Oregon's standards. I don't miss that, and one of the reasons I have trouble fathoming me ever living down there is my seasonal affective disorder during summer.
However, I'll tell you what I do miss. I miss putting on nice clothes every day instead of my work shirts. I miss having fun plans instead of... work. I miss being around people who are excited to see me, who make me feel special and notice things that everyone back here has gotten used to. I miss the advice and insight my relatives shared about pursuing my career/passions. Being told "yes, you can figure this out. You're still young, what you want to do still matters." By people I don't usually see, who've got fresher eyes? For just a short while, I had self-esteem again, and I was kind of optimistic. I felt more like the person I'd like to be if I weren't stuck in the daily grind. I've gone back to feeling a bit frumpy and disgruntled now that I'm home.
IDK, it has made me wonder a bit if this "seasonal affective" issue could possibly be countered by the good things I experienced. I understand that it would be different if I actually lived there, that the novelty of seeing my relatives would wear off, that there might be disappointments (what if I can't find a job as well-paying? With as friendly of employees?) But still, I wonder, whereas there is very little to wonder about here. It's almost set in stone that nothing will fucking happen to me. Laika doesn't give a shit about my applying there six times. I don't know how to meet new people. Half of everything reminds me of the guy who broke my heart.
But in California -- what if I did get a decent job in the film industry? Could I go down a different road? Would Jenna and I get to hang out a lot? Would an annual pass to DL be as wonderful as it has always seemed? I wonder the opportunities I'd have to network. Richard K.! I met him for lunch, and what an encouragement he was. He complimented me on my art, encouraged me to invest in my Orlok costume/videos, and was convinced I could get somewhere as an actress. More, it seems he wants to be friends -- he hoped to meet me again the next time I'm down. Although he knows I'm up here, he invited me on FB to a theatre event in his area that his wife is performing in.
I'm reflecting on a comment a stranger made in a private message here. They told me sometimes people create their own unhappiness and stagnancy by maintaining their comfort zone. Am I really staying in a place where nothing happens because I can't stand the idea of living without clouds/rain? Is that worth it? 10 years from now, am I going to be satisfied with myself because "at least it wasn't sunny and bright"? It's not like the weather is even helping me be creative. It ain't. I'm blocked.
Maybe I oughtta get the fuck out.
I'll pitch the idea to my aunt/uncle (since I'd probably want to live close to them), and to some friends, and see what they say.
And of course... whatever I decide to do... it's not like I can't come back.
-J
I was ready to go home when the time came. Not having your own bed to sleep in or coffee just the way you have it at home can throw you off after a while. lol The rooms I stayed in had too much sunlight. The HOUSES I stayed in had too much sunlight. It's still summer in California, by Oregon's standards. I don't miss that, and one of the reasons I have trouble fathoming me ever living down there is my seasonal affective disorder during summer.
However, I'll tell you what I do miss. I miss putting on nice clothes every day instead of my work shirts. I miss having fun plans instead of... work. I miss being around people who are excited to see me, who make me feel special and notice things that everyone back here has gotten used to. I miss the advice and insight my relatives shared about pursuing my career/passions. Being told "yes, you can figure this out. You're still young, what you want to do still matters." By people I don't usually see, who've got fresher eyes? For just a short while, I had self-esteem again, and I was kind of optimistic. I felt more like the person I'd like to be if I weren't stuck in the daily grind. I've gone back to feeling a bit frumpy and disgruntled now that I'm home.
IDK, it has made me wonder a bit if this "seasonal affective" issue could possibly be countered by the good things I experienced. I understand that it would be different if I actually lived there, that the novelty of seeing my relatives would wear off, that there might be disappointments (what if I can't find a job as well-paying? With as friendly of employees?) But still, I wonder, whereas there is very little to wonder about here. It's almost set in stone that nothing will fucking happen to me. Laika doesn't give a shit about my applying there six times. I don't know how to meet new people. Half of everything reminds me of the guy who broke my heart.
But in California -- what if I did get a decent job in the film industry? Could I go down a different road? Would Jenna and I get to hang out a lot? Would an annual pass to DL be as wonderful as it has always seemed? I wonder the opportunities I'd have to network. Richard K.! I met him for lunch, and what an encouragement he was. He complimented me on my art, encouraged me to invest in my Orlok costume/videos, and was convinced I could get somewhere as an actress. More, it seems he wants to be friends -- he hoped to meet me again the next time I'm down. Although he knows I'm up here, he invited me on FB to a theatre event in his area that his wife is performing in.
I'm reflecting on a comment a stranger made in a private message here. They told me sometimes people create their own unhappiness and stagnancy by maintaining their comfort zone. Am I really staying in a place where nothing happens because I can't stand the idea of living without clouds/rain? Is that worth it? 10 years from now, am I going to be satisfied with myself because "at least it wasn't sunny and bright"? It's not like the weather is even helping me be creative. It ain't. I'm blocked.
Maybe I oughtta get the fuck out.
I'll pitch the idea to my aunt/uncle (since I'd probably want to live close to them), and to some friends, and see what they say.
And of course... whatever I decide to do... it's not like I can't come back.
-J