The Nipple - an AIW one-shot
Wrote this for Jenna the other night, for no reason at all. I just told her "I feel like telling a story," and told it off the top of my head.
The Nipple
So one day, Rabbit was folding his bunny boxer shorts, in his bedroom, and he had set up this activity very precisely, so that nobody would walk in on him. He didn't have a lock on his door, and he found the situation compromising.
The Queen walked in on him, and she was quite pissed, because he had neglected to dust the curtains in the royal library, and for the first time ever she was in there, drinking wine by the window, when she sneezed, and she got dust in her wine. She found it totally unacceptable. “You should have guessed this would happen!" she said.
She startled him quite a bit. He was also embarrassed.
To make matters worse, later that day she complained about it when Hatter and Hare and the Tweedles visited the palace, right in front of them, in all the details. Rabbit was furious. He wanted to yell at the Queen for talking about his bunny boxer shorts in public.
Hatter was like "it's nothing to be ashamed of.”
Rabbit was all "I'm not ashamed; it's just none of your business."
"It's no big deal,” Hare says. "Hatter and I see each other's all the time.”
Rabbit was totally flustered and threw up his hands and did a little solitary confinement dance. He was like "that makes me less and less inspired to even talk about it! End of discussion!" Which he shouted in his highest voice. Meanwhile, the Tweedles were standing there awkwardly. They didn't want to know any of this.
Hare thought Rabbit really was an arrogant prick, so he said "I see how it is!" and he invited everybody to an underwear party at his house. "I'm going to show everybody my underwear. Because it's glorious underwear. Especially my pair of wonder-wear. Makes your dick look twice as big."
Well, the Tweedles weren't interested. And neither was Rabbit. And neither was Queenie. And neither was Alice. Nor the Caterpillar. Nor the Cheshire Cat. Nor the Duchess. Nor the Walrus. Nor anybody in wonderland besides Hatter.
So at seven'o'clock the next evening, Hatter comes to the door. “Let's see the goods," he says.
“Hatter, you've seen them a million times.”
“I don't care.”
Hare frowns. "I wanted people to see my underwear." It's hard to say if Hare wasn't waiting for the right chance to throw this party, anyway. He looks around outside his house over Hatter's shoulder, but seriously nobody else is there, and he sighs. “Get in here, you naughty sir.”
Hatter hops inside and closes the door and swishes his hands together. “You're going to model them, right? Oh, try on the training bra first.” Hare goes into his room with Hatter but he's quite deflated. He goes to his drawer and pulls out the training bra and starts stripping down. There's a mirror and he just frowns into it while he unbottons his shirt. “This is lame.” But he puts the bra on anyway, and does a swish or two and looks at himself.
Hatter: "needs the matching underwear.”
Hare: “I don't know where those went. They disappeared.”
Hatter frowns. “Maybe they're at the bottom of my laundry basket,” he says, but Hare finds his wonder-wear and gives them a try. Suddenly he has an idea. “Hatter. I've got it. We'll prank call Rabbit.”
So he does a little dance and thrust in front of the mirror and then finds his portable phone. They roll back onto the bed giggling and then suddenly go very quiet and start dialing. It's Rabbit's private flip-phone number.
It rings.
1...
2..
...3 times
*click* "HelloooO~?"
Hare puts on a falsetto voice. "Hey, you big bunny, you..." Hatter's face is already pink. He covers his mouth.
“I-I say I say I say... who is this?"
"I... I can't tell you who I am, but I see your fluffy cotton butt every day at the royal mailbox, and I get so aroused~~" he tried, but he can't finish his sentence. "I wanted to tell youuu-- I'm wearing pink silk and lace... it rubs up on my nipple and makes me think of you---" Hatter and Hare roll around snickering.
"A-alright, that's enough. Who is this?!" Hare opens his mouth to answer, but after a short pause, only laughter comes out, which Rabbit recognizes immediately. "He'aaa~!!?? He'a~, is that you?! Why in the wooorld would--" but they hang up.
So they just have a laugh riot.
Hatter: "IT RUBS UP ON MY NIPPLE AND--?!!! XDDD"
Hare: "WELL IT IS"
Rabbit's off on a royal erand, but his face is cherry red and he looks over his shoulder to make sure no one catches him in such a flustered state. "OHHH, THE LAHST THING I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IS HARE'S NIPPLES.”
The cat appears. It is just not his lucky day. “what the fuck are you talking about?"
Rabbit: "AHHHGH! Get lost, cat! I'm not elaborating!"
“Well! somebody's in a shit mood,” he says, and so he vanishes looking super amused. “Niiiiippppppppppllllllessssssssssss~~~~meowwww”
* * *
Back at Hare's, they've somehow worked themselves into a hot, sweaty underwear frenzy. They poured all of Hare's tighty whities on the bed and are doing bad things in it, and Hare has no idea that his prank went so far. "I'm hungry. wanna make me a sandwich?" he asks lying down in the underwear pile. Hatter's face-planted right on his bellybutton. He doesn't answer. “Hey. Get up and make me a sandwich." He pokes him. His head falls back down on his pillow and he grumbles to himself before his tummy gurgles right into Hatter's ear.
"AHH!!" and he lifts up his head. “Mmmgh, I'm hungry. Wanna make me a sandwich?"
Hare frowns. “We'll both get up and we'll both make sandwiches.
"I want ham and cheese," Hatter says.
Hare: "I want peanut butter and jelly.”
[11:17:56 PM] Phantomwise: awwww them making sandwiches is really cute
[11:18:03 PM] Phantomwise: and in their underwear lol
[11:18:09 PM] Princess Orlokz: it's the gay-man dynamic
[11:18:16 PM] Phantomwise: lol
[11:18:19 PM] Princess Orlokz: oh no, they're naked
So they participate in naked sandwich making. Hare wonders what would happen if he put himself in the peanut butter jar but decides he'll worry about that another day.
* * *
So by the next day, they wake up and Hare gets a message from the Tweedles on his answering machine. A lot of gossip has gone about Wonderland since yesterday, so Dee tells Hare that Rabbit might be asking for his hand in marriage. Hare's horrified. He runs into his bedroom, pounces on Hatter until he comes to, and explains it. “HE MUST HAVE GOTTEN THE WRONG IDEA. ABOUT THOSE MESSAGES. I NEVER KNEW HE WAS SO MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME.”
Hare snaps his fingers and does a little booty swish while kneeling in front of Hatter. “I mean he can't have all this! This is just too much to handle.” It really would be too much for him to handle.
Hatter: "Of course it is. It's mine. And I'm known for having too much."
Hare: "too much is too much.”
Hatter: "mhm. how true that is."
Hare: "and you're a whole lotta hatter."
The end.
The Nipple
So one day, Rabbit was folding his bunny boxer shorts, in his bedroom, and he had set up this activity very precisely, so that nobody would walk in on him. He didn't have a lock on his door, and he found the situation compromising.
The Queen walked in on him, and she was quite pissed, because he had neglected to dust the curtains in the royal library, and for the first time ever she was in there, drinking wine by the window, when she sneezed, and she got dust in her wine. She found it totally unacceptable. “You should have guessed this would happen!" she said.
She startled him quite a bit. He was also embarrassed.
To make matters worse, later that day she complained about it when Hatter and Hare and the Tweedles visited the palace, right in front of them, in all the details. Rabbit was furious. He wanted to yell at the Queen for talking about his bunny boxer shorts in public.
Hatter was like "it's nothing to be ashamed of.”
Rabbit was all "I'm not ashamed; it's just none of your business."
"It's no big deal,” Hare says. "Hatter and I see each other's all the time.”
Rabbit was totally flustered and threw up his hands and did a little solitary confinement dance. He was like "that makes me less and less inspired to even talk about it! End of discussion!" Which he shouted in his highest voice. Meanwhile, the Tweedles were standing there awkwardly. They didn't want to know any of this.
Hare thought Rabbit really was an arrogant prick, so he said "I see how it is!" and he invited everybody to an underwear party at his house. "I'm going to show everybody my underwear. Because it's glorious underwear. Especially my pair of wonder-wear. Makes your dick look twice as big."
Well, the Tweedles weren't interested. And neither was Rabbit. And neither was Queenie. And neither was Alice. Nor the Caterpillar. Nor the Cheshire Cat. Nor the Duchess. Nor the Walrus. Nor anybody in wonderland besides Hatter.
So at seven'o'clock the next evening, Hatter comes to the door. “Let's see the goods," he says.
“Hatter, you've seen them a million times.”
“I don't care.”
Hare frowns. "I wanted people to see my underwear." It's hard to say if Hare wasn't waiting for the right chance to throw this party, anyway. He looks around outside his house over Hatter's shoulder, but seriously nobody else is there, and he sighs. “Get in here, you naughty sir.”
Hatter hops inside and closes the door and swishes his hands together. “You're going to model them, right? Oh, try on the training bra first.” Hare goes into his room with Hatter but he's quite deflated. He goes to his drawer and pulls out the training bra and starts stripping down. There's a mirror and he just frowns into it while he unbottons his shirt. “This is lame.” But he puts the bra on anyway, and does a swish or two and looks at himself.
Hatter: "needs the matching underwear.”
Hare: “I don't know where those went. They disappeared.”
Hatter frowns. “Maybe they're at the bottom of my laundry basket,” he says, but Hare finds his wonder-wear and gives them a try. Suddenly he has an idea. “Hatter. I've got it. We'll prank call Rabbit.”
So he does a little dance and thrust in front of the mirror and then finds his portable phone. They roll back onto the bed giggling and then suddenly go very quiet and start dialing. It's Rabbit's private flip-phone number.
It rings.
1...
2..
...3 times
*click* "HelloooO~?"
Hare puts on a falsetto voice. "Hey, you big bunny, you..." Hatter's face is already pink. He covers his mouth.
“I-I say I say I say... who is this?"
"I... I can't tell you who I am, but I see your fluffy cotton butt every day at the royal mailbox, and I get so aroused~~" he tried, but he can't finish his sentence. "I wanted to tell youuu-- I'm wearing pink silk and lace... it rubs up on my nipple and makes me think of you---" Hatter and Hare roll around snickering.
"A-alright, that's enough. Who is this?!" Hare opens his mouth to answer, but after a short pause, only laughter comes out, which Rabbit recognizes immediately. "He'aaa~!!?? He'a~, is that you?! Why in the wooorld would--" but they hang up.
So they just have a laugh riot.
Hatter: "IT RUBS UP ON MY NIPPLE AND--?!!! XDDD"
Hare: "WELL IT IS"
Rabbit's off on a royal erand, but his face is cherry red and he looks over his shoulder to make sure no one catches him in such a flustered state. "OHHH, THE LAHST THING I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IS HARE'S NIPPLES.”
The cat appears. It is just not his lucky day. “what the fuck are you talking about?"
Rabbit: "AHHHGH! Get lost, cat! I'm not elaborating!"
“Well! somebody's in a shit mood,” he says, and so he vanishes looking super amused. “Niiiiippppppppppllllllessssssssssss~~~~meowwww”
* * *
Back at Hare's, they've somehow worked themselves into a hot, sweaty underwear frenzy. They poured all of Hare's tighty whities on the bed and are doing bad things in it, and Hare has no idea that his prank went so far. "I'm hungry. wanna make me a sandwich?" he asks lying down in the underwear pile. Hatter's face-planted right on his bellybutton. He doesn't answer. “Hey. Get up and make me a sandwich." He pokes him. His head falls back down on his pillow and he grumbles to himself before his tummy gurgles right into Hatter's ear.
"AHH!!" and he lifts up his head. “Mmmgh, I'm hungry. Wanna make me a sandwich?"
Hare frowns. “We'll both get up and we'll both make sandwiches.
"I want ham and cheese," Hatter says.
Hare: "I want peanut butter and jelly.”
[11:17:56 PM] Phantomwise: awwww them making sandwiches is really cute
[11:18:03 PM] Phantomwise: and in their underwear lol
[11:18:09 PM] Princess Orlokz: it's the gay-man dynamic
[11:18:16 PM] Phantomwise: lol
[11:18:19 PM] Princess Orlokz: oh no, they're naked
So they participate in naked sandwich making. Hare wonders what would happen if he put himself in the peanut butter jar but decides he'll worry about that another day.
* * *
So by the next day, they wake up and Hare gets a message from the Tweedles on his answering machine. A lot of gossip has gone about Wonderland since yesterday, so Dee tells Hare that Rabbit might be asking for his hand in marriage. Hare's horrified. He runs into his bedroom, pounces on Hatter until he comes to, and explains it. “HE MUST HAVE GOTTEN THE WRONG IDEA. ABOUT THOSE MESSAGES. I NEVER KNEW HE WAS SO MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME.”
Hare snaps his fingers and does a little booty swish while kneeling in front of Hatter. “I mean he can't have all this! This is just too much to handle.” It really would be too much for him to handle.
Hatter: "Of course it is. It's mine. And I'm known for having too much."
Hare: "too much is too much.”
Hatter: "mhm. how true that is."
Hare: "and you're a whole lotta hatter."
The end.