He's There - Chapter 52
Wow... what do I even say when I post the final chapter of the novel I've been working on for six years? Do I look back on all of my experiences writing it and the most important events that inspired parts of the story? I'd like to, but for tonight I need to give this to you and move on to the homework I neglected during this fit of passion. I had
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While I'm saddened that HT is now ending, I'm elated for you - this is a huge accomplishment! An awesome ending for an awesome story.
Now for constructive criticism. I don't have a lot of criticism about the content because I think you totally nailed it - but here are a couple things that I caught:
In the second section of this chapter, starting with:
“Lily, please don't do this. Just tell them the truth.”
I'm not sure who she is talking to - I'm assuming its Miriam, and that this is a past conversation. The mention of the shadows from the tree branches confused me a bit because you mentioned shadows from tree branches in the previous section. So this might be an issue of me making a connection to two separate events, actually.
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Just a side note - Paulina is a very intriguing character to me. I like how you gave more details about the role she played, while still keeping some of the details a mystery. She was more influential and involved than it seemed! Very well done.
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I'm not an editor, so forgive me if I'm off target on this one. Shouldn't "recent" be "recently" in the third sentence below?
Yeah, why not? Give it to Westin when he gets here,” she said. I smiled again and averted my eyes to my lap, still a little nervous about seeing him. Until recent, I had thought he didn't want to be around me anymore. Jeffrey peeled over to a fresh sheet.
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Question about the paragraph below - the old tapes that Lily's mom was listening to - what was she listening to, and why did they have that effect on Lily? Was it the phantom soundtrack? I'm a bit fuzzy on this.
When Mom played those old tapes when I came home from the last day of school, smiling and humming, putting away the dishes.... Close your eyes, for your eyes will only tell the truth... I was a mirror to her while climbing the stairs, but I went straight to my room. I could hear it through the floor and covered my ears.
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There are two gaps of several lines in the middle of the chapter and one nearer the end - when Miriam is in Westin's car, and when she's talking to Mr. Worden. I'm viewing this on a tablet, so it might appear differently on a computer.
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Also when she's talking to Mr. Worden - should "ever" actually be "never" in the sentence below?
I sunk into the door, I remember, because up until then I had ever been told so concretely that something was being taken away from me.
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In conclusion... This is excellent. Lily's thoughts are so vivid and so... Real for someone who has been through what she went through with Erik.
And that's what I've got for you. I hope this helps, and that it's what you're looking for. If I think of anything else, I'll post another comment. :-)
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You've read it 5 times? No wayyy~! What a dedicated reader I have in you. Ugh, I'm glad someone thinks it wrapped up well. I still am conflicted over what kind of job I did for "Erik". Lily's story is wrapped up, but "Erik"'s...? Thanks, though.
Let me go down the line in response to the CC:
That scene you mentioned is Lily and Mariam talking in her car. I should have made that clearer, and I totally knew I was putting in similar imagery, I just went for it anyway because I was attached to the imagery.
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"As of recent" and "until recent" I believe are grammatically correct phrases. In cases where something happened, describing it as recent would require the word "recently" since it is an adverb, but as a word describing the recent past, a noun, I think "recent" covers it.
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I'm sorry - I thought it was clear since the paragraph about her playing Michael Crawford OST tapes was just a couple ones before that. Also, LJ took off my italics for the song lyrics Lily repeats in her head after that sentence. Close your eyes, for your eyes will only tell the truth~
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Those are intentional gaps. I have a lot of those throughout the whole story to waste paper upon publication-- I mean, to connote a significant pause in thought or action/dialogue.
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Yes, "ever" should be "never"!
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Really, constructive criticism could be criticism or conventions OR it could be telling me an entire scene seemed useless, or that some aspect of wrapping everything up felt missing to you, etc etc. I'm welcoming you to be totally honest about whether or not everything is effective. It won't hurt my feelings. :)
Anyway, hey, no sadness necessary! After the new year, I need to rewrite from the very beginning and that shall be very different given what I now know. I'm going to need people like you who are so familiar with everything to let me know everything is coming full circle and still the story you appreciated the first time around (while being hopefully 10x better.)
I'm so happy I could introduce you to My Brightest Diamond! If need be, I'll post a whole bunch of her work here. I think I'm seriously using six songs now that are all beautiful and have inspired all kinds of things. ♥
Again, thank you very much!
-J
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