Crystal Palace 4: Oh God! - Part 1
I'm too excited to care that I don't have my promotional picture yet (due to not having my real computer and art program, and due to my mom accidentally deforming my scanner cord, but let's not get into that.) I let myself write the last scene to our nearly completed CP4 part one and wanted to have it posted somewhere. I haven't felt like a writer lately and haven't been able to use my journal, so this boosts my spirits just a bit. And would you believe it's 17 1/2 pgs?! ♥
I was a little surprised how this chapter worked out. I've been in a slightly sentimental mood over Crystal Palace, so when I wrote the last scene, it kind of overrode Cosmo's typical experience with us earlier. I was trying to show that it seems, within the chaos, even though we get on each other's nerves and have affairs (chortle), we're kind of friends and we kind of like/respect each other. Life has just been too distracting for me to show that respect. It seems like he can forgive me more easily than Akira, but then, my crimes are much less severe.
And so, one premise of CP4 has been introduced: he will be doing me the favor of babysitting Crystallina this summer -- with absolute reluctance, and he wonders in the next part if he can get out of it -- but still.
Without further adieu,
CRYSTAL PALACE 4 - Part 1 - The Man with the Jelly Beans
INT. COSMO’S APARTMENT. NOON.
The scene opens with a fade from black to a view of Cosmo, his back turned as he lightly taps a paintbrush over some ambiguous image on an easel. The room is poorly lit and the camera is a little too close to his shoulders. After a thoughtful pause, he turns his face just enough to catch the camera in his peripheral, then looks to it with a friendly, gaping smile.
COSMO
Oh, hi, didn't see you there! It's very nice to meet you. My name is Cosmo. I'm 27 years young and looking for a lady. I'm also a lover of art, as you can see here. I was just working on a still life of some things I have set up here in the drawing room. To me, there's hidden meaning in every still life, just based on the objects that were chosen. My whole apartment's that way.
He nods like he's just said the most profound thing in the world, then lifts up the camera and it takes it on a rocky journey towards the subject of his painting.
COSMO
Here, I've chosen an antique table cloth that used to belong to my mother, a bouquet of begonias, a few fresh pears and peaches, and two golden, or shall I say "golden"...
He laughs while turning the camera towards him so it can see his air quotations.
COSMO
...trinkets I found at a thriftstore that I thought were fun. They're shaped like giraffes. The sun is also shining on them from the window. To me, it symbolizes a new beginning, a harvest, while never letting go of who we are.
Cosmo's face comes into view again, once again glowing with sureness.
COSMO
Speaking of harvests, let’s take a look in the kitchen.
As he backs out of frame and zooms down the hall, a camera cut drops us in front of the stove. An open window indicates its suddenly late evening. Cosmo's facing us, a hand on his hip, wearing a sunflower-patterned apron and a proud grin.
COSMO
As your potential date, I feel I could charm you in many ways. In the past year, I've taken an immense interest in cooking. Is there a special dish in your life? I would be honored to make it, and know that my culinary work would be only the healthiest and freshest. It's actually my dream to have my own garden some day. In the mean time, I support my local farmer's market.
He pulls out a zucchini as long as his forearm and chuckles self-consciously while presenting the vegetable for all to see.
COSMO
Here I have a zucchini...of considerable size. I haven't really decided what I'm going to do with it yet. I could whip up some delicious zucchini bread. I could also make a scrumptious casserole. The possibilities are truly endless.
He puts the zucchini back down.
COSMO
What am I looking for in a partner? Well, I certainly have a penchant for independent women--sisters doing it for themselves, as it were. Someone with a great sense of humor would do nicely. Since I am always looking to learn new things about myself and the world around me, I would very much like someone to share that aim with.
Cosmo smiles wistfully before beginning a new tangent.
COSMO
On our first date, we would attend a symphony at the concert hall downtown. As a patron of the arts, I hope to find someone who also finds beauty in creation of all sorts. After that, instead of going to some posh, pricey restaurant (he rolls his eyes), we could return to my home where I would gladly cook us a gourmet meal of your choosing. Whatever happens afterward... Let's just see where the night will take us.
The camera cuts to him stepping away from the shower, a towel over his bare shoulders.
COSMO
Well,-
Before he can finish his sentence, he loses his footing and slips backwards. As he drops out of frame, the shower door in the background is clearly bumped by a falling object, possibly his head. He groans in pain for a while, and then the room goes silent. Shuffling ensues with continued moaning, but after an awkward amount of time a hand reaches upward and the scene cuts yet again.
Cosmo gingerly backs away from the camera and takes a seat on some plastic chairs. He's in a bright hall, and several people in dark blue scrubs pass by. He's also wearing a neck brace.
COSMO
It seems my, uh... my empty shampoo bottle rolled away from its place next to the shower... I've just gotten out of the emergency room. It's... nothing but a simple sprain.
NURSE'S VOICE
Excuse me, sir, but you're not supposed to be recording in here.
Cosmo directs his attention to a body which has stopped to his side, the frame cutting off her head.
COSMO
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll turn it off right away.
His nervous smile dissolves as the nurse continues on her way. He tries his best to gulp.
COSMO
Thank you for considering me as a potential date. I hope you have a lovely day.
Cosmo gives a little wave and shuts off the camera.
COSMO
(self-mockingly)
'I hope you have a lovely day'? Good God, as if telemarketing wasn't enough of a soul-destroying endeavor, it makes one sound like a douchebag, too.
He pops the DVD out of the camera, puts it into a jewel case, and places it into a Manila envelope. He then uses a ballpoint pen to hastily write out the address to the dating service as well as his return address.
EXT. A CURB IN SOME CRAPPY NEIGHBORHOOD. AFTERNOON.
Cosmo slouches pathetically as he places the envelope, complete with an Audobon Society stamp, into his mailbox, which he'd recently painted to resemble a Mondrian. He crosses his fingers while walking away. As he's ascending the stairs, his pager beeps. He reads the numbers, grumbles, and hurries to his apartment, where he dials the phone.
CUT TO: Jennifer's sitting in the study at home, typing on her laptop quite tentatively. When the phone rings, she catches it before its second ring.
JENNIFER
Hello?
COSMO
Hello. You just paged me?
JENNIFER
Yes. I need you to go pick up Crystallina.
COSMO
I'm sorry. Did I hear correctly?
He taps the phone on his desk several times.
COSMO
I think we must have a faulty connection.
JENNIFER
You heard correctly. And if you could get to it pronto - it takes forty minutes to get there and she'll be out at 3:00.
He laughs humorlessly, and the first wrinkle of a frown forms to the side of his mouth.
COSMO
Surely someone else can do it.
JENNIFER
No, they can't. Listen, I'm really sorry. I need to keep an eye on Akira and I've got paperwork up to my eyeballs. If you don't get her, no one can.
Cosmo ponders the good it would do that family if Crystallina didn't come home from school for once, then finds another matter to be concerned about.
COSMO
Why would you need to keep an eye on Akira?
JENNIFER
I can explain everything when--
She hears a thud. Behind the closed, window-paned door, Akira waves his arms like he's signaling a plane. He also presses his face up against the glass before moaning like a severely injured cow on painkillers.
COSMO
(through the phone)
Let me take a wild guess: he's drinking heavily. Again.
Jennifer just gives her husband a side glance while basically ignoring him.
JENNIFER
Just go pick her up. Please.
COSMO
(through the phone)
But--
But she hangs up before he can finish his sentence. Cosmo stares at the phone before putting it back into its cradle. The last thing he wants to do is go collect his deranged "niece" from school. His self-loathing increases a little bit more as he grabs his car keys and heads for the door.
EXT. CRYSTALLINA'S SCHOOL. AFTERNOON.
Cosmo pulls up to Crystallina's school in his shitty, white station wagon. As expected, there are a ton of kids around waiting for their rides, but he spots Crystallina quickly enough. He drives closer to the front and rolls down his window.
COSMO
Crystallina! Over here!
Crystallina perks her head up and searches for the source of that noise. Could it be?
CRYSTALLINA
...Cosmo?!
A red-faced Crystallina runs up to her uncle's station wagon and clenches her fists.
CRYSTALLINA
What are you doing here?
COSMO
Your mother asked me to pick you up. Come on now, get in the car. We don't have to make this last any longer than necessary.
CRYSTALLINA
Why would she do that?
COSMO
Because she has a lot of work to tend to.
CRYSTALLINA
And is Daddy suddenly incapable of picking his daughter up?
COSMO
Your father is incapable of doing a lot of things, so are we really surprised? Seriously, Crystallina, I just want to go home and I imagine you want to as well, so pip-pip and get in the goddamn car. Please. I'm begging you.
CRYSTALLINA
No way! This is bullshit! I am not getting inside your pedo-van!
COSMO
(sputtering)
A-a-what?! This isn't a pedo-van! It's a-a depressing piece of bygone suburbia! I--
Crystallina starts to whimper.
COSMO
What? This is getting ridicu--
CRYSTALLINA
MS. LANGLEY!
A bespectacled woman in a tackily-patterned pantsuit rushes over.
MS. LANGLEY
Is everything all right?
She looks from Crystallina to Cosmo. Crystallina has by now worked up a decent amount of crocodile tears. She points an accusing finger at Cosmo.
CRYSTALLINA
T-this man called me over and-and...
She pauses for dramatic effect while sniveling some more. Ms. Langley's expression hardens. She can only imagine what this sick, twisted man has done to this child. Meanwhile, Cosmo's mouth hangs open in disbelief.
MS. LANGLEY
Sir, I'm going to have to call the authorities.
COSMO
Oh, my God. Look, Madam, I'm just here to pick my niece up, so if you could just--
CRYSTALLINA
He's lying! A few seconds ago, I was not his niece. If I could quote, "if you take the candy, I could treat you like a woman!"
MS. LANGLEY
Step back, child, this is serious!
The teacher throws her arms around Crystallina and pulls her beneath the shade of some trees. By now, another teacher is reaching the area and finds their body language peculiar.
MRS. SCHWARTZ
What's going on?
MS. LANGLEY
That man tried to abduct this girl.
Cosmo throws his arms up and stares down Crystallina, growing livid as she digs the tip of her shoe into the sidewalk and winks at him. He feels so stupid sitting there, allowing the trap to fall over his head, that he seriously considers driving away.
Ten minutes later, two cop cars block him from leaving either end of the pick-up loop, and a number of mothers, children, and crosswalk guards have stopped to spectate. The only thing missing for them are buckets or popcorn.
His arms tremble as he grips the steering wheel. An officer nears his car.
POLICE OFFICER
Sir? We got a call from a faculty member here who said you approached a girl who claimed she didn't know who you were.
His mustache twitches as he says it. Cosmo can’t help but roll his eyes.
COSMO
She knows who I am; she's just being her usual vindictive self.
POLICE OFFICER
I'm sorry?
Cosmo leans through the window.
COSMO
The girl has a few screws loose, you see? I was asked by her parents to pick her up, and she didn't want me to. It's quite simple. I trust you'll understand.
POLICE OFFICER
Can I see your ID, sir?
COSMO
Of course you may, I have it right--
He pats each pocket, his laughter tinged with painful desperation.
COSMO
I suppose I forgot it. You see, I was at the hospital today. (while pointing at his brace) I had a slip and had to hurry. I suppose I assumed my wallet was in my pocket when I left.
The officer pauses, then nods to another police car. Before Cosmo knows it, two more men in blue are outside his window.
POLICE OFFICER
Sir, this is just procedure - we don't think that, because you're driving without a license, that you tried to abduct anyone. But we need you to get out of the car with your hands up.
COSMO
You can't be serious. Officer, this is all a misunderstanding.
POLICE OFFICER
I apologize in advance, sir, but you really need to get out of the car with your hands up.
COSMO
But I know my card number by heart! It's 447, 52, 59-
POLICE OFFICER
Get out of the car with your hands up!
A quick glance is all it takes, and the cop’s accompaniment opens Cosmo's door. He raises his hands immediately, darting his eyes around as the men secure their meaty hands around his wrists. They shove him sternly into the side of the car and cuff him, then begin to shuffle through his belongings.
COSMO
(muttered to the sky)
This is not happening to me, this is not happening to me...
POLICE OFFICER #2
(into a walkie-talkie)
Looks like he has a video camera. A white paper bag... narcotics.
POLICE OFFICER
Using narcotics?
COSMO
(to the sky)
That girl is a toxic wasteland of misery, and I’ve been pulled into it, as per usual. You’d think I’d learn--
(to the officer)
Yes, I sprained my neck today.
POLICE OFFICER #2
(into a walkie-talkie)
A bag of jelly-beans in the glove compartment.
COSMO
Those must be weeks old, really; I'd forgotten they were in there. A friend at work gave them to me. I never really liked jelly beans so much…
He continues to blubber, but the officers give him no mind. The teacher he saw before steps out from the school doors, looking disturbed.
POLICE OFFICER
It's gotta be that same guy from a few weeks ago. Looks enough like him - probably just dyed his hair that silly color. Put him in the back.
Cosmo wriggles in protest as a hand meets the back of his neck and he’s forced towards the police car.
COSMO
Wait! You don't understand what you're doing! If I could just call her parents--
POLICE OFFICER
You can call whoever you like at the station.
COSMO
But I'm her father's cousin!
POLICE OFFICER #2
That's what they all say.
And he drops down onto the backseat, the barred door slams in his face.
INT. POLICE STATION. EVENING.
Cosmo sits miserably on a concrete bench with a heavy spotlight over , his hands dangling between his legs and his hair in his face. He can hear the two front doors opening and closes, and then a familiar voice grows and diminishes in volume. He looks up and Akira is swaying around the room having some sort of conversation with himself. Jennifer approaches the front desk where an officer sits.
JENNIFER
We're here to bail our cousin out. His name's Cosmo.
POLICE OFFICER
(to the holding cell)
Cosmo?
Cosmo immediately comes to the front of the cell. Meanwhile, Akira is holding a bottle of something, encased in an obvious brown bag, and stumbles a bit before handing it to the nearest person, a befuddled desk clerk.
AKIRA
Here, you, hold this for me. I have to go sort something out. Something. Important.
He then sort of walks over to the cell, but doesn't quite face Cosmo. Instead, he addresses the empty space next to his cousin.
AKIRA
You. W-why the hell do you have to make so much trouble for us?! Since day one! Day. One.
He emphasizes the "day one" with a wagging finger.
AKIRA
What did you even do? Jesus!
By now they have a captive audience.
COSMO
They didn't tell you? I was caught trying to solicit your daughter!
AKIRA
Whhhhhaaaaahhhhht?!
COSMO
You know just as well as I do that that wasn't what actually happened.
Jennifer, having filled out the necessary papers, comes with the officer holding the key.
JENNIFER
We know, Cosmo. Well, I know. It's just Crystallina being Crystallina.
The officer opens the door and Cosmo steps out.
COSMO
You know, I think part of the problem is that you explain away your daughter's psychopathic tendencies as mere shenanigans. But hey, you know, thanks for bailing me out. Am I going to be charged for this?
Jennifer takes a quick glance around, a bit miffed that he’s being so up-front in public.
JENNIFER
No… Crystallina decided to 'take pity on the poor, perverted man' and let it go.
COSMO
For now.
JENNIFER
Well perhaps, for now, we should all do that.
AKIRA
Hey! Hey! I'm not finished with you!
Akira has still been scolding empty space.
JENNIFER
Akira, he's right here.
AKIRA
Well, how was I supposed to know? There's, like, two of them!
Jennifer rolls her eyes and steers Cosmo towards the front doors.
JENNIFER
Listen, Cosmo, you know I would've never guessed this would happen when I asked you for this favor.
AKIRA
(while following behind)
Rrrreally, Jennifer? R-Really?! He's waking Fail! Come on, now!
JENNIFER
If you would be willing, why don't you come to dinner tonight? It’s the least I can do.
COSMO
(apprehensive)
…And the most?
JENNIFER
What?
COSMO
Nothing.
Cosmo smiles, but the both of them find themselves distracted watching Akira as he stumbles back for his special drink, snatching it off the front of the desk protectively, as if the clerk had attempted to steal it from him.
COSMO
That's a very kind offer, but I think our company would, uh... ruin the food.
JENNIFER
I don’t think Akira will be joining us. He hasn’t been eating much of anything and I don’t think I need to explain why. Crystallina's not allowed to leave her room.
This seems to brighten Cosmo's spirits somewhat. His shoulders sag.
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER’S. 6:00PM.
Jennifer and Cosmo are sitting alone at the dining table. Cosmo blots his mouth with a napkin when they hear a thud from upstairs. His eyes flicker to the ceiling, but he otherwise tries to pay it no mind.
COSMO
This was fantastic, Jennifer. Your baked mac’n’cheese has really come a ways since I last had it.
JENNIFER
What’s that?
COSMO
Well, I suppose last time I would’ve added less paprika. But it’s an easy mistake to make.
Jennifer looks around and narrows her eyes.
JENNIFER
Ah. Thank you.
They hear another thud and some sort of wailing. Both of them uncomfortably sip their wine, but, as the thuds continue, and Cosmo gently laughs.
COSMO
Is Crystallina having a party up there?
JENNIFER
Oh. You’re hearing Akira.
COSMO
(perplexed)
What in God’s name is he doing?
A considerably louder thud than before is heard right over Cosmo’s head.
JENNIFER
As of late, he gets rather musical, when he drinks. (pause) Say, how about a board game?
COSMO
Sure, but aren’t you concerned about him at all?
She takes her and Cosmo’s bowls to the sink, and then sifts though a nearby closet.
JENNIFER
Of course, I’m concerned. At the moment, I don’t know what to do, though. And singing and dancing isn’t a bad outlet in comparison to other things.
COSMO
Yes, but, Jennifer… I really think Akira needs some help. I did even during that disaster in the Shiver Region and, since then, his condition has only worsened. Maybe he should join an AA program.
JENNIFER
Scrabble sound good?
Cosmo sort of nods, but he can hardly care. As she's setting up the game, more wailing ensues, and Cosmo tenses up as he takes some letters.
JENNIFER
I’d thought of sending him to rehab, really I have, but I’m not sure my pressuring will make him go through with it. Every day, he seems to have a lesser grip on reality.
As if summoned, they hear someone hurrying down the stairs and cursing after a loud clank. Cosmo peers down the hall from his chair and sees Akira coming for them, a fallen plant vase in his path. He’s wearing one of Jennifer’s bras and panties and nothing else. When his eyes pass over his wife, cousin, and the Scrabble board, his brow furrows.
AKIRA
(drawling)
Whaaat the fuuck is this?!
JENNIFER
Akira, please-
AKIRA
No! I will not have this fuckshit in my houuuse!
He passes the pair, scoops up some of the Scrabble letters, and sprinkles them into his drink. As he's stirring them with his umbrella, he drops into a chair and prop his legs on the table. Jennifer and Cosmo give each other knowing frowns.
AKIRA
You know, there were days when women used to ask permission for this stuff.
COSMO
To play Scrabble?
AKIRA
AB-solutely. Servants too. I must be the only one who’s civilized in this house.
He tips back in his chair to take a drink and falls backwards. Cosmo and Jennifer look over the side of the table, only to find a special sight waiting for them, product of Akira’s skimpy clothing and sudden toppling. Cosmo utters in disgust and covers his eyes.
JENNIFER
Are you alright?
Akira looks complacently to the ceiling, fallen wooden letters like a halo around his head.
AKIRA
It was one hell of a concert, but I think I’ll make it. It’s a good thing I have two days to’rest my voice. (pause) Oh, Drunky. When I release an album, your name’ll be on my list of, of inspirational people.
Jennifer stands up and takes her husband’s arm, trying to tug him up unsuccessfully. With strong reluctance, Cosmo assists her. They sit him into Jennifer’s chair, but instead of a “thank you” Akira incoherently mutters. She backs away and turns for the living room. Cosmo stands there in confusion for a moment before rushing off to find her leaning into the edge of the couch with her hand over face. Cosmo touches her gently on the shoulder.
COSMO
Jennifer-
JENNIFER
He’s done brain damage by now, hasn’t he? I don’t even recognize him.
Cosmo is surprised to see her tearing up. Her shoulders, usually stiff and straight, curl and hide her face.
COSMO
Jennifer, I really can’t imagine what it must be like for you, but I’m sorry. He has a lot of baggage, as the both of us know. You don’t need to act so strong. Get him therapy. Something.
JENNIFER
I told you: I wanted to, I just don’t know how. Even if I can convince him, I know it’s going to be near impossible to juggle everything I need to do. I’m signed for a new movie, I’ll be in LA for at least three weeks next month, the palace is being fumigated-
COSMO
Fumigated?!
JENNIFER
Yes. I’ve been handling Akira’s paperwork and apparently the north wing is infested with a rare Arctic flea.
COSMO
Ah… I had gotten a letter about something strange-
JENNIFER
Worst of all, Crystallina’s going to be out of school and we have nowhere to send her for daycare.
COSMO
You just need a little help. Perhaps you can hire a representative to oversee the fumi-
JENNIFER
Are you working steadily this summer?
COSMO
I… I’m not sure yet. I'm trying to find a new job. Why?
Suddenly they hear fresh moaning from the kitchen and some loud footsteps. Jennifer signals for Cosmo to follow her as she hurries back to the kitchen.
JENNIFER
Well the thing is, absolutely no one will take in Crystallina. She’s only lasted three days at most with the same baby-sitter, and once I found her at a-
She finds Akira fumbling with the liquor cabinet door and throws herself on him.
JENNIFER
Akira, no!
(through grunts)
I found her at a lady’s doorstep when I went to pick her up.
Her and Akira continue to do some sort of tango that involves Jennifer pushing away his reaching arms like heavy saloon doors.
JENNIFER
It’s been a nightmare all year, and I just… was hoping - AKIRA, YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH FOR TONIGHT - I was hoping I could give her to the only person I trust right now: you.
She looks him directly in the eye as he stands idly by the island.
COSMO
You w-want me to babysit Crystallina?
He stands there in thought as voices pass in his head.
COSMO
(voice over)
I just want to go home and I imagine you want to as well, so pip-pip and get in the goddamn car. Please. I'm begging you.
CRYSTALLINA
(voice over)
No way! This is bullshit! I am not getting inside your pedo-van!
CRYSTALLINA
(voice over)
(whimpering)
COSMO
(voice over)
What?! This is getting ridicu-
CRYSTALLINA
(voice over)
MS. LANGLEY!
Cosmo snaps out of his thoughts and rubs his hands together.
COSMO
I really…
JENNIFER
STAY IN THE CHAIR AND STOP IT.
Jennifer is using herself like a weight on top Akira, who’s swinging around relentlessly.
AKIRA
No! Nnnnooo!
JENNIFER
Well?
Cosmo takes a deep sigh.
COSMO
I really… have to think about it. Yes, I- I’ll consider it.
JENNIFER
Thank you. Why don’t you get going now? If you want, you can take leftovers.
COSMO
Oh that’s okay, I’ll be fine.
He lingers like she might need his help, but Jennifer swishes her hand in his direction as she struggles.
JENNIFER
Just go. I've been doing this all week.
He sort of waves at her and disappears, but the camera lingers on the place he once was with sounds of Akira’s wailing coming from off-screen. It's audible, still, as Cosmo reaches the entryway and aggressively rubs his hands together. He darts his eyes around and steps into their under-stairs closet. A very long blood-curdling scream comes from inside. He steps back out, makes sure there isn’t fuzz on his shirt, and lets himself out the front door.
Favorite Quotes
COSMO
What am I looking for in a partner? Well, I certainly have a penchant for independent women--sisters doing it for themselves, as it were.
COSMO
(self-mockingly)
'I hope you have a lovely day'? Good God, as if telemarketing wasn't enough of a soul-destroying endeavor, it makes one sound like a douchebag, too.
Meanwhile, behind Jennifer's closed, window-paned door, Akira waves his arms like he's signaling a plane. He also presses his face up against the glass before moaning like a severely injured cow on painkillers.
COSMO
(to the sky)
That girl is a toxic wasteland of misery, and I’ve been pulled into it, as per usual. You’d think I’d learn--
(to the officer)
Yes, I sprained my neck today.
JENNIFER
If you would be willing, why don't you come to dinner tonight? It’s the least I can do.
Cosmo looks apprehensive.
COSMO
…And the most?
JENNIFER
What?
COSMO
Nothing.
JENNIFER
As of late, he gets rather… musical when he drinks.
I was a little surprised how this chapter worked out. I've been in a slightly sentimental mood over Crystal Palace, so when I wrote the last scene, it kind of overrode Cosmo's typical experience with us earlier. I was trying to show that it seems, within the chaos, even though we get on each other's nerves and have affairs (chortle), we're kind of friends and we kind of like/respect each other. Life has just been too distracting for me to show that respect. It seems like he can forgive me more easily than Akira, but then, my crimes are much less severe.
And so, one premise of CP4 has been introduced: he will be doing me the favor of babysitting Crystallina this summer -- with absolute reluctance, and he wonders in the next part if he can get out of it -- but still.
Without further adieu,
CRYSTAL PALACE 4 - Part 1 - The Man with the Jelly Beans
INT. COSMO’S APARTMENT. NOON.
The scene opens with a fade from black to a view of Cosmo, his back turned as he lightly taps a paintbrush over some ambiguous image on an easel. The room is poorly lit and the camera is a little too close to his shoulders. After a thoughtful pause, he turns his face just enough to catch the camera in his peripheral, then looks to it with a friendly, gaping smile.
COSMO
Oh, hi, didn't see you there! It's very nice to meet you. My name is Cosmo. I'm 27 years young and looking for a lady. I'm also a lover of art, as you can see here. I was just working on a still life of some things I have set up here in the drawing room. To me, there's hidden meaning in every still life, just based on the objects that were chosen. My whole apartment's that way.
He nods like he's just said the most profound thing in the world, then lifts up the camera and it takes it on a rocky journey towards the subject of his painting.
COSMO
Here, I've chosen an antique table cloth that used to belong to my mother, a bouquet of begonias, a few fresh pears and peaches, and two golden, or shall I say "golden"...
He laughs while turning the camera towards him so it can see his air quotations.
COSMO
...trinkets I found at a thriftstore that I thought were fun. They're shaped like giraffes. The sun is also shining on them from the window. To me, it symbolizes a new beginning, a harvest, while never letting go of who we are.
Cosmo's face comes into view again, once again glowing with sureness.
COSMO
Speaking of harvests, let’s take a look in the kitchen.
As he backs out of frame and zooms down the hall, a camera cut drops us in front of the stove. An open window indicates its suddenly late evening. Cosmo's facing us, a hand on his hip, wearing a sunflower-patterned apron and a proud grin.
COSMO
As your potential date, I feel I could charm you in many ways. In the past year, I've taken an immense interest in cooking. Is there a special dish in your life? I would be honored to make it, and know that my culinary work would be only the healthiest and freshest. It's actually my dream to have my own garden some day. In the mean time, I support my local farmer's market.
He pulls out a zucchini as long as his forearm and chuckles self-consciously while presenting the vegetable for all to see.
COSMO
Here I have a zucchini...of considerable size. I haven't really decided what I'm going to do with it yet. I could whip up some delicious zucchini bread. I could also make a scrumptious casserole. The possibilities are truly endless.
He puts the zucchini back down.
COSMO
What am I looking for in a partner? Well, I certainly have a penchant for independent women--sisters doing it for themselves, as it were. Someone with a great sense of humor would do nicely. Since I am always looking to learn new things about myself and the world around me, I would very much like someone to share that aim with.
Cosmo smiles wistfully before beginning a new tangent.
COSMO
On our first date, we would attend a symphony at the concert hall downtown. As a patron of the arts, I hope to find someone who also finds beauty in creation of all sorts. After that, instead of going to some posh, pricey restaurant (he rolls his eyes), we could return to my home where I would gladly cook us a gourmet meal of your choosing. Whatever happens afterward... Let's just see where the night will take us.
The camera cuts to him stepping away from the shower, a towel over his bare shoulders.
COSMO
Well,-
Before he can finish his sentence, he loses his footing and slips backwards. As he drops out of frame, the shower door in the background is clearly bumped by a falling object, possibly his head. He groans in pain for a while, and then the room goes silent. Shuffling ensues with continued moaning, but after an awkward amount of time a hand reaches upward and the scene cuts yet again.
Cosmo gingerly backs away from the camera and takes a seat on some plastic chairs. He's in a bright hall, and several people in dark blue scrubs pass by. He's also wearing a neck brace.
COSMO
It seems my, uh... my empty shampoo bottle rolled away from its place next to the shower... I've just gotten out of the emergency room. It's... nothing but a simple sprain.
NURSE'S VOICE
Excuse me, sir, but you're not supposed to be recording in here.
Cosmo directs his attention to a body which has stopped to his side, the frame cutting off her head.
COSMO
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll turn it off right away.
His nervous smile dissolves as the nurse continues on her way. He tries his best to gulp.
COSMO
Thank you for considering me as a potential date. I hope you have a lovely day.
Cosmo gives a little wave and shuts off the camera.
COSMO
(self-mockingly)
'I hope you have a lovely day'? Good God, as if telemarketing wasn't enough of a soul-destroying endeavor, it makes one sound like a douchebag, too.
He pops the DVD out of the camera, puts it into a jewel case, and places it into a Manila envelope. He then uses a ballpoint pen to hastily write out the address to the dating service as well as his return address.
EXT. A CURB IN SOME CRAPPY NEIGHBORHOOD. AFTERNOON.
Cosmo slouches pathetically as he places the envelope, complete with an Audobon Society stamp, into his mailbox, which he'd recently painted to resemble a Mondrian. He crosses his fingers while walking away. As he's ascending the stairs, his pager beeps. He reads the numbers, grumbles, and hurries to his apartment, where he dials the phone.
CUT TO: Jennifer's sitting in the study at home, typing on her laptop quite tentatively. When the phone rings, she catches it before its second ring.
JENNIFER
Hello?
COSMO
Hello. You just paged me?
JENNIFER
Yes. I need you to go pick up Crystallina.
COSMO
I'm sorry. Did I hear correctly?
He taps the phone on his desk several times.
COSMO
I think we must have a faulty connection.
JENNIFER
You heard correctly. And if you could get to it pronto - it takes forty minutes to get there and she'll be out at 3:00.
He laughs humorlessly, and the first wrinkle of a frown forms to the side of his mouth.
COSMO
Surely someone else can do it.
JENNIFER
No, they can't. Listen, I'm really sorry. I need to keep an eye on Akira and I've got paperwork up to my eyeballs. If you don't get her, no one can.
Cosmo ponders the good it would do that family if Crystallina didn't come home from school for once, then finds another matter to be concerned about.
COSMO
Why would you need to keep an eye on Akira?
JENNIFER
I can explain everything when--
She hears a thud. Behind the closed, window-paned door, Akira waves his arms like he's signaling a plane. He also presses his face up against the glass before moaning like a severely injured cow on painkillers.
COSMO
(through the phone)
Let me take a wild guess: he's drinking heavily. Again.
Jennifer just gives her husband a side glance while basically ignoring him.
JENNIFER
Just go pick her up. Please.
COSMO
(through the phone)
But--
But she hangs up before he can finish his sentence. Cosmo stares at the phone before putting it back into its cradle. The last thing he wants to do is go collect his deranged "niece" from school. His self-loathing increases a little bit more as he grabs his car keys and heads for the door.
EXT. CRYSTALLINA'S SCHOOL. AFTERNOON.
Cosmo pulls up to Crystallina's school in his shitty, white station wagon. As expected, there are a ton of kids around waiting for their rides, but he spots Crystallina quickly enough. He drives closer to the front and rolls down his window.
COSMO
Crystallina! Over here!
Crystallina perks her head up and searches for the source of that noise. Could it be?
CRYSTALLINA
...Cosmo?!
A red-faced Crystallina runs up to her uncle's station wagon and clenches her fists.
CRYSTALLINA
What are you doing here?
COSMO
Your mother asked me to pick you up. Come on now, get in the car. We don't have to make this last any longer than necessary.
CRYSTALLINA
Why would she do that?
COSMO
Because she has a lot of work to tend to.
CRYSTALLINA
And is Daddy suddenly incapable of picking his daughter up?
COSMO
Your father is incapable of doing a lot of things, so are we really surprised? Seriously, Crystallina, I just want to go home and I imagine you want to as well, so pip-pip and get in the goddamn car. Please. I'm begging you.
CRYSTALLINA
No way! This is bullshit! I am not getting inside your pedo-van!
COSMO
(sputtering)
A-a-what?! This isn't a pedo-van! It's a-a depressing piece of bygone suburbia! I--
Crystallina starts to whimper.
COSMO
What? This is getting ridicu--
CRYSTALLINA
MS. LANGLEY!
A bespectacled woman in a tackily-patterned pantsuit rushes over.
MS. LANGLEY
Is everything all right?
She looks from Crystallina to Cosmo. Crystallina has by now worked up a decent amount of crocodile tears. She points an accusing finger at Cosmo.
CRYSTALLINA
T-this man called me over and-and...
She pauses for dramatic effect while sniveling some more. Ms. Langley's expression hardens. She can only imagine what this sick, twisted man has done to this child. Meanwhile, Cosmo's mouth hangs open in disbelief.
MS. LANGLEY
Sir, I'm going to have to call the authorities.
COSMO
Oh, my God. Look, Madam, I'm just here to pick my niece up, so if you could just--
CRYSTALLINA
He's lying! A few seconds ago, I was not his niece. If I could quote, "if you take the candy, I could treat you like a woman!"
MS. LANGLEY
Step back, child, this is serious!
The teacher throws her arms around Crystallina and pulls her beneath the shade of some trees. By now, another teacher is reaching the area and finds their body language peculiar.
MRS. SCHWARTZ
What's going on?
MS. LANGLEY
That man tried to abduct this girl.
Cosmo throws his arms up and stares down Crystallina, growing livid as she digs the tip of her shoe into the sidewalk and winks at him. He feels so stupid sitting there, allowing the trap to fall over his head, that he seriously considers driving away.
Ten minutes later, two cop cars block him from leaving either end of the pick-up loop, and a number of mothers, children, and crosswalk guards have stopped to spectate. The only thing missing for them are buckets or popcorn.
His arms tremble as he grips the steering wheel. An officer nears his car.
POLICE OFFICER
Sir? We got a call from a faculty member here who said you approached a girl who claimed she didn't know who you were.
His mustache twitches as he says it. Cosmo can’t help but roll his eyes.
COSMO
She knows who I am; she's just being her usual vindictive self.
POLICE OFFICER
I'm sorry?
Cosmo leans through the window.
COSMO
The girl has a few screws loose, you see? I was asked by her parents to pick her up, and she didn't want me to. It's quite simple. I trust you'll understand.
POLICE OFFICER
Can I see your ID, sir?
COSMO
Of course you may, I have it right--
He pats each pocket, his laughter tinged with painful desperation.
COSMO
I suppose I forgot it. You see, I was at the hospital today. (while pointing at his brace) I had a slip and had to hurry. I suppose I assumed my wallet was in my pocket when I left.
The officer pauses, then nods to another police car. Before Cosmo knows it, two more men in blue are outside his window.
POLICE OFFICER
Sir, this is just procedure - we don't think that, because you're driving without a license, that you tried to abduct anyone. But we need you to get out of the car with your hands up.
COSMO
You can't be serious. Officer, this is all a misunderstanding.
POLICE OFFICER
I apologize in advance, sir, but you really need to get out of the car with your hands up.
COSMO
But I know my card number by heart! It's 447, 52, 59-
POLICE OFFICER
Get out of the car with your hands up!
A quick glance is all it takes, and the cop’s accompaniment opens Cosmo's door. He raises his hands immediately, darting his eyes around as the men secure their meaty hands around his wrists. They shove him sternly into the side of the car and cuff him, then begin to shuffle through his belongings.
COSMO
(muttered to the sky)
This is not happening to me, this is not happening to me...
POLICE OFFICER #2
(into a walkie-talkie)
Looks like he has a video camera. A white paper bag... narcotics.
POLICE OFFICER
Using narcotics?
COSMO
(to the sky)
That girl is a toxic wasteland of misery, and I’ve been pulled into it, as per usual. You’d think I’d learn--
(to the officer)
Yes, I sprained my neck today.
POLICE OFFICER #2
(into a walkie-talkie)
A bag of jelly-beans in the glove compartment.
COSMO
Those must be weeks old, really; I'd forgotten they were in there. A friend at work gave them to me. I never really liked jelly beans so much…
He continues to blubber, but the officers give him no mind. The teacher he saw before steps out from the school doors, looking disturbed.
POLICE OFFICER
It's gotta be that same guy from a few weeks ago. Looks enough like him - probably just dyed his hair that silly color. Put him in the back.
Cosmo wriggles in protest as a hand meets the back of his neck and he’s forced towards the police car.
COSMO
Wait! You don't understand what you're doing! If I could just call her parents--
POLICE OFFICER
You can call whoever you like at the station.
COSMO
But I'm her father's cousin!
POLICE OFFICER #2
That's what they all say.
And he drops down onto the backseat, the barred door slams in his face.
INT. POLICE STATION. EVENING.
Cosmo sits miserably on a concrete bench with a heavy spotlight over , his hands dangling between his legs and his hair in his face. He can hear the two front doors opening and closes, and then a familiar voice grows and diminishes in volume. He looks up and Akira is swaying around the room having some sort of conversation with himself. Jennifer approaches the front desk where an officer sits.
JENNIFER
We're here to bail our cousin out. His name's Cosmo.
POLICE OFFICER
(to the holding cell)
Cosmo?
Cosmo immediately comes to the front of the cell. Meanwhile, Akira is holding a bottle of something, encased in an obvious brown bag, and stumbles a bit before handing it to the nearest person, a befuddled desk clerk.
AKIRA
Here, you, hold this for me. I have to go sort something out. Something. Important.
He then sort of walks over to the cell, but doesn't quite face Cosmo. Instead, he addresses the empty space next to his cousin.
AKIRA
You. W-why the hell do you have to make so much trouble for us?! Since day one! Day. One.
He emphasizes the "day one" with a wagging finger.
AKIRA
What did you even do? Jesus!
By now they have a captive audience.
COSMO
They didn't tell you? I was caught trying to solicit your daughter!
AKIRA
Whhhhhaaaaahhhhht?!
COSMO
You know just as well as I do that that wasn't what actually happened.
Jennifer, having filled out the necessary papers, comes with the officer holding the key.
JENNIFER
We know, Cosmo. Well, I know. It's just Crystallina being Crystallina.
The officer opens the door and Cosmo steps out.
COSMO
You know, I think part of the problem is that you explain away your daughter's psychopathic tendencies as mere shenanigans. But hey, you know, thanks for bailing me out. Am I going to be charged for this?
Jennifer takes a quick glance around, a bit miffed that he’s being so up-front in public.
JENNIFER
No… Crystallina decided to 'take pity on the poor, perverted man' and let it go.
COSMO
For now.
JENNIFER
Well perhaps, for now, we should all do that.
AKIRA
Hey! Hey! I'm not finished with you!
Akira has still been scolding empty space.
JENNIFER
Akira, he's right here.
AKIRA
Well, how was I supposed to know? There's, like, two of them!
Jennifer rolls her eyes and steers Cosmo towards the front doors.
JENNIFER
Listen, Cosmo, you know I would've never guessed this would happen when I asked you for this favor.
AKIRA
(while following behind)
Rrrreally, Jennifer? R-Really?! He's waking Fail! Come on, now!
JENNIFER
If you would be willing, why don't you come to dinner tonight? It’s the least I can do.
COSMO
(apprehensive)
…And the most?
JENNIFER
What?
COSMO
Nothing.
Cosmo smiles, but the both of them find themselves distracted watching Akira as he stumbles back for his special drink, snatching it off the front of the desk protectively, as if the clerk had attempted to steal it from him.
COSMO
That's a very kind offer, but I think our company would, uh... ruin the food.
JENNIFER
I don’t think Akira will be joining us. He hasn’t been eating much of anything and I don’t think I need to explain why. Crystallina's not allowed to leave her room.
This seems to brighten Cosmo's spirits somewhat. His shoulders sag.
INT. AKIRA AND JENNIFER’S. 6:00PM.
Jennifer and Cosmo are sitting alone at the dining table. Cosmo blots his mouth with a napkin when they hear a thud from upstairs. His eyes flicker to the ceiling, but he otherwise tries to pay it no mind.
COSMO
This was fantastic, Jennifer. Your baked mac’n’cheese has really come a ways since I last had it.
JENNIFER
What’s that?
COSMO
Well, I suppose last time I would’ve added less paprika. But it’s an easy mistake to make.
Jennifer looks around and narrows her eyes.
JENNIFER
Ah. Thank you.
They hear another thud and some sort of wailing. Both of them uncomfortably sip their wine, but, as the thuds continue, and Cosmo gently laughs.
COSMO
Is Crystallina having a party up there?
JENNIFER
Oh. You’re hearing Akira.
COSMO
(perplexed)
What in God’s name is he doing?
A considerably louder thud than before is heard right over Cosmo’s head.
JENNIFER
As of late, he gets rather musical, when he drinks. (pause) Say, how about a board game?
COSMO
Sure, but aren’t you concerned about him at all?
She takes her and Cosmo’s bowls to the sink, and then sifts though a nearby closet.
JENNIFER
Of course, I’m concerned. At the moment, I don’t know what to do, though. And singing and dancing isn’t a bad outlet in comparison to other things.
COSMO
Yes, but, Jennifer… I really think Akira needs some help. I did even during that disaster in the Shiver Region and, since then, his condition has only worsened. Maybe he should join an AA program.
JENNIFER
Scrabble sound good?
Cosmo sort of nods, but he can hardly care. As she's setting up the game, more wailing ensues, and Cosmo tenses up as he takes some letters.
JENNIFER
I’d thought of sending him to rehab, really I have, but I’m not sure my pressuring will make him go through with it. Every day, he seems to have a lesser grip on reality.
As if summoned, they hear someone hurrying down the stairs and cursing after a loud clank. Cosmo peers down the hall from his chair and sees Akira coming for them, a fallen plant vase in his path. He’s wearing one of Jennifer’s bras and panties and nothing else. When his eyes pass over his wife, cousin, and the Scrabble board, his brow furrows.
AKIRA
(drawling)
Whaaat the fuuck is this?!
JENNIFER
Akira, please-
AKIRA
No! I will not have this fuckshit in my houuuse!
He passes the pair, scoops up some of the Scrabble letters, and sprinkles them into his drink. As he's stirring them with his umbrella, he drops into a chair and prop his legs on the table. Jennifer and Cosmo give each other knowing frowns.
AKIRA
You know, there were days when women used to ask permission for this stuff.
COSMO
To play Scrabble?
AKIRA
AB-solutely. Servants too. I must be the only one who’s civilized in this house.
He tips back in his chair to take a drink and falls backwards. Cosmo and Jennifer look over the side of the table, only to find a special sight waiting for them, product of Akira’s skimpy clothing and sudden toppling. Cosmo utters in disgust and covers his eyes.
JENNIFER
Are you alright?
Akira looks complacently to the ceiling, fallen wooden letters like a halo around his head.
AKIRA
It was one hell of a concert, but I think I’ll make it. It’s a good thing I have two days to’rest my voice. (pause) Oh, Drunky. When I release an album, your name’ll be on my list of, of inspirational people.
Jennifer stands up and takes her husband’s arm, trying to tug him up unsuccessfully. With strong reluctance, Cosmo assists her. They sit him into Jennifer’s chair, but instead of a “thank you” Akira incoherently mutters. She backs away and turns for the living room. Cosmo stands there in confusion for a moment before rushing off to find her leaning into the edge of the couch with her hand over face. Cosmo touches her gently on the shoulder.
COSMO
Jennifer-
JENNIFER
He’s done brain damage by now, hasn’t he? I don’t even recognize him.
Cosmo is surprised to see her tearing up. Her shoulders, usually stiff and straight, curl and hide her face.
COSMO
Jennifer, I really can’t imagine what it must be like for you, but I’m sorry. He has a lot of baggage, as the both of us know. You don’t need to act so strong. Get him therapy. Something.
JENNIFER
I told you: I wanted to, I just don’t know how. Even if I can convince him, I know it’s going to be near impossible to juggle everything I need to do. I’m signed for a new movie, I’ll be in LA for at least three weeks next month, the palace is being fumigated-
COSMO
Fumigated?!
JENNIFER
Yes. I’ve been handling Akira’s paperwork and apparently the north wing is infested with a rare Arctic flea.
COSMO
Ah… I had gotten a letter about something strange-
JENNIFER
Worst of all, Crystallina’s going to be out of school and we have nowhere to send her for daycare.
COSMO
You just need a little help. Perhaps you can hire a representative to oversee the fumi-
JENNIFER
Are you working steadily this summer?
COSMO
I… I’m not sure yet. I'm trying to find a new job. Why?
Suddenly they hear fresh moaning from the kitchen and some loud footsteps. Jennifer signals for Cosmo to follow her as she hurries back to the kitchen.
JENNIFER
Well the thing is, absolutely no one will take in Crystallina. She’s only lasted three days at most with the same baby-sitter, and once I found her at a-
She finds Akira fumbling with the liquor cabinet door and throws herself on him.
JENNIFER
Akira, no!
(through grunts)
I found her at a lady’s doorstep when I went to pick her up.
Her and Akira continue to do some sort of tango that involves Jennifer pushing away his reaching arms like heavy saloon doors.
JENNIFER
It’s been a nightmare all year, and I just… was hoping - AKIRA, YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH FOR TONIGHT - I was hoping I could give her to the only person I trust right now: you.
She looks him directly in the eye as he stands idly by the island.
COSMO
You w-want me to babysit Crystallina?
He stands there in thought as voices pass in his head.
COSMO
(voice over)
I just want to go home and I imagine you want to as well, so pip-pip and get in the goddamn car. Please. I'm begging you.
CRYSTALLINA
(voice over)
No way! This is bullshit! I am not getting inside your pedo-van!
CRYSTALLINA
(voice over)
(whimpering)
COSMO
(voice over)
What?! This is getting ridicu-
CRYSTALLINA
(voice over)
MS. LANGLEY!
Cosmo snaps out of his thoughts and rubs his hands together.
COSMO
I really…
JENNIFER
STAY IN THE CHAIR AND STOP IT.
Jennifer is using herself like a weight on top Akira, who’s swinging around relentlessly.
AKIRA
No! Nnnnooo!
JENNIFER
Well?
Cosmo takes a deep sigh.
COSMO
I really… have to think about it. Yes, I- I’ll consider it.
JENNIFER
Thank you. Why don’t you get going now? If you want, you can take leftovers.
COSMO
Oh that’s okay, I’ll be fine.
He lingers like she might need his help, but Jennifer swishes her hand in his direction as she struggles.
JENNIFER
Just go. I've been doing this all week.
He sort of waves at her and disappears, but the camera lingers on the place he once was with sounds of Akira’s wailing coming from off-screen. It's audible, still, as Cosmo reaches the entryway and aggressively rubs his hands together. He darts his eyes around and steps into their under-stairs closet. A very long blood-curdling scream comes from inside. He steps back out, makes sure there isn’t fuzz on his shirt, and lets himself out the front door.
Favorite Quotes
COSMO
What am I looking for in a partner? Well, I certainly have a penchant for independent women--sisters doing it for themselves, as it were.
COSMO
(self-mockingly)
'I hope you have a lovely day'? Good God, as if telemarketing wasn't enough of a soul-destroying endeavor, it makes one sound like a douchebag, too.
Meanwhile, behind Jennifer's closed, window-paned door, Akira waves his arms like he's signaling a plane. He also presses his face up against the glass before moaning like a severely injured cow on painkillers.
COSMO
(to the sky)
That girl is a toxic wasteland of misery, and I’ve been pulled into it, as per usual. You’d think I’d learn--
(to the officer)
Yes, I sprained my neck today.
JENNIFER
If you would be willing, why don't you come to dinner tonight? It’s the least I can do.
Cosmo looks apprehensive.
COSMO
…And the most?
JENNIFER
What?
COSMO
Nothing.
JENNIFER
As of late, he gets rather… musical when he drinks.