(no subject)
I'm one of "those girls". Those girls that are "one of the guys"; we drink beer and do shots with you, I'll point out a pair of perfect tits for you, I sit at "loser row" at the strip club because I like to tip the girls and will even get a lap dance. We are just sexual as any man and think about getting some each and everyday.
But being one of those girls means I also come with a past, a past many have a hard time dealing with. Those things that draw you to me are also those things you won't be able to deal with in a few months. They will make you insecure and all too often you will want me to change. I've been there, I've dealt with this over and over again. Most of best girl friends are the same kind of girl and I've seen it happen with them. You feel like you can't trust us because you know how we have been before you and you are scared it will happen to you. If you're a "nice guy" it's even harder... you know we are venomist with the nice guys and dick them over harder then anyone else. I've broke every nice guy I've ever met, I'm not bragging about it, in fact I feel bad about what I have done to a few of them... but it's my nature and I don't know how to change that.
There were times when I was younger that I fell madly and deeply in love and wanted to change for others. Sometimes they would flat out tell me what they would and would not tolerate, other times they would drop hints letting me make the decision on my own... knowing all too well I would be willing to make the changes for them. In the long run I ended up resent him because of all the changes I made about myself to make him happy. It took so serious time to reinvent myself and find myself again and after going through that I have found I won't give that much of myself up for anyone again. But in learning that I had to leave the relationship. It sad because he and I were best friends for years before and I know he will always be there for me, but that's where it ends for us, Just Friends.
I am fortunate enough to have found someone that excepts me as I am. He trusts me, he excepts those parts about me that were too much for others, he allows me to be "one of the guys" with his friends and with the guy friends I have that he don't really know. At times I find I am the "nice guy" in the relationship with the yearning to do those things my ex onces did to me... but I don't because I know the outcome of that behavior. Yes, I have wanted to check his phone logs and text messages... but I don't... I can't... Yes I want to stalk him at times and "make sure" he's where he said he would be... but I know where that would lead. If he's there I will feel guilty and have to tell him, which will only make him angry. And he's not I will jump to conclusion and assume the worse, which might not be right either.
I understand all to well both sides of this... and that sucks!
Years ago I started dating my best friend whom I feel in love with before we even started a relationship. The man knew me like no other, he knew my past; that I had been a cheater, a user, that I liked to drink and party, etc. Even given all that we still started a relationship. It started so slow I didn't even notice it was happening... it started with his longing for me not to drink. Given my family history of alcoholism I understood that. Looking back it was a bit extreme, one beer at 2 pm meant sleeping in separate places at 2 am. He said he didn't want to be around someone that had been drinking... his justification was clear to me then. He never told me not to drink, but being told we could share a bed was enough for me not want to drink. That was the first real change. The second was makeup... he told me he thought I was more beautiful without makeup and I'm sure that was true. But I've always been one to paint my face, I've worn makeup since seventh grade, when I had to wear very little because the teachers would make us take it off if they noticed. So I caved, not wearing it that often. But that was even worse because when I did wear it I was questioned "who are you wearing it for?". I wasn't wearing it for anyone, I feel more confident and comfortable behind my layer of paint. To get over that he would tell me he didn't want to kiss me with lipstick on, he didn't like the way it tasted or how it would come off. Given the option of being comfortable or being able to kiss the man I loved, I chose the later. I actually got married the second time with very little makeup on and no lipstick... Crazy when I think back...
He was a non-smoker so it wasn't long before that became a point of contention. I tried to quit on my own, due to lack of money when our room-mate moved out. But as a smoker where there's a will there's a way. I compromised by smoking cloves, since he liked the smell of them. But in time he didn't want to kiss me because I tasted of cigs. To keep me from smoking in the house he said I was killing my cats with second hand smoke. For years I only smoked when out with friends, in the car and at work. I couldn't smoke in the car if he was in it or would be getting in it because I was "trying" to hide the fact that I was smoking. It was like being sixteen again and hiding it from my dad. I did manage to stop for two weeks onces, after surgery, but upon going back to work I started up again.
During our years together I had a friends who's girlfriend I became friends with. They broke up when she decided she needed to experiment with her bi-sexuality... that ended with her being a lesbian and marrying a woman. The problem with this friendship, he thought she was going to "turn me gay". I've been every open about my sexuality since the age of sixteen. I don't hide my attraction to woman. I would rather look at a woman then a man. Just like a man, I love the way they taste and how soft their skin is, I love the curves of their bodies and the raise of their breasts. With all that said I still love men. I love how a man can make me feel like I'm protected and the weight of a man on my body when having sex. I love the roughness of their skin and the way a man smells after working. He could never find comfort in any friendships I found with lesbians. So over time I broke off those friendships.
I have always been one to have many male friends, men are easy for me to trust. They are far simpler creatures and don't fuck your ex's or borrow clothing. There's more to that, that I will not go into here, but safice to say I just trust and bond better with men then woman. But this too made him uncomfortable. I can understand that since I've married twice and both were my best friends before entering into relationships with them. But it's also hard to have any kind of friendship when your own baggage makes you not trust woman and your mate can't trust your friendship with men. I found myself a few years into my relationship to have really no friends except my mate. That's every difficult for an extrovert like myself... but compromise is part of relationships so I gave my friendships up just like so many other things.
Once point I would not give on is my family. My family never liked him and he really didn't care for them either. But I refused to choice between them. This lead to me spending holidays with my family while he stayed home. It was hard for me to constantly feel like I had to choice to share big moments in life with; either him or my family.
With all these compromises it still wasn't good enough. He still couldn't trust. He knew I always kept a journal and from time to time he gave into his own demons and would read my journal. I forgave him the first two times he admitted to it. The third time was the final straw. After nearly seven years with him I had to leave the relationship. I couldn't take being with someone that couldn't trust me when I wasn't doing anything wrong. I couldn't stay with someone that wouldn't make love to me and forbid me to have any "toys". I couldn't stay with someone that I had gave up so much of who I am to be with. I had to give up my marriage to find myself again.
I am a much stronger woman because of it. I vial my face in makeup everyday, I dress up in heels and all too short skirts (another point of contention that I didn't go into), I drink beer on the weekends and sometimes drink too much. I chain smoke and have a mouth of a sailor (just another thing I tried to change for him). I have a "toy box" full of all kinds of fun things. I have many friends and as much time as possible with them. I go to strip clubs and much as possible and have gained a few more piercings along the way (yes, another thing...). I dye my hair constantly (and other) and love myself! I have found myself again and love who I... who I always was. Sadly I never fully recovered, I still can not keep a paper journal worth a shit. There's still that "fear" that someone will read it and not like what they read, leading to major issues. I no longer write poetry of any kind because I can hear him in the back of my mind telling me it's just "bubble gum"poetry.
Maybe if he had been able to except me and all my flaws things would have been different. Maybe had I not been so willing to give up so many things that made me who I was I wouldn't have had to "find myself". But I don't regret any of it... all it made me stronger and the woman I am now.
All this said here's what I have to say.... to be so quick to compromise. Don't ask someone to change so much... even if you don't say the words. Know that girls like us are not like the others. I know it can be hard to except us, but it's not fair to either of us if you can't. A lot of time change leads to resentment in the long run... and even love will not keep you together when resentment starts to creep in. Dating a girl like us takes a lot... but it's so worth it!!
But being one of those girls means I also come with a past, a past many have a hard time dealing with. Those things that draw you to me are also those things you won't be able to deal with in a few months. They will make you insecure and all too often you will want me to change. I've been there, I've dealt with this over and over again. Most of best girl friends are the same kind of girl and I've seen it happen with them. You feel like you can't trust us because you know how we have been before you and you are scared it will happen to you. If you're a "nice guy" it's even harder... you know we are venomist with the nice guys and dick them over harder then anyone else. I've broke every nice guy I've ever met, I'm not bragging about it, in fact I feel bad about what I have done to a few of them... but it's my nature and I don't know how to change that.
There were times when I was younger that I fell madly and deeply in love and wanted to change for others. Sometimes they would flat out tell me what they would and would not tolerate, other times they would drop hints letting me make the decision on my own... knowing all too well I would be willing to make the changes for them. In the long run I ended up resent him because of all the changes I made about myself to make him happy. It took so serious time to reinvent myself and find myself again and after going through that I have found I won't give that much of myself up for anyone again. But in learning that I had to leave the relationship. It sad because he and I were best friends for years before and I know he will always be there for me, but that's where it ends for us, Just Friends.
I am fortunate enough to have found someone that excepts me as I am. He trusts me, he excepts those parts about me that were too much for others, he allows me to be "one of the guys" with his friends and with the guy friends I have that he don't really know. At times I find I am the "nice guy" in the relationship with the yearning to do those things my ex onces did to me... but I don't because I know the outcome of that behavior. Yes, I have wanted to check his phone logs and text messages... but I don't... I can't... Yes I want to stalk him at times and "make sure" he's where he said he would be... but I know where that would lead. If he's there I will feel guilty and have to tell him, which will only make him angry. And he's not I will jump to conclusion and assume the worse, which might not be right either.
I understand all to well both sides of this... and that sucks!
Years ago I started dating my best friend whom I feel in love with before we even started a relationship. The man knew me like no other, he knew my past; that I had been a cheater, a user, that I liked to drink and party, etc. Even given all that we still started a relationship. It started so slow I didn't even notice it was happening... it started with his longing for me not to drink. Given my family history of alcoholism I understood that. Looking back it was a bit extreme, one beer at 2 pm meant sleeping in separate places at 2 am. He said he didn't want to be around someone that had been drinking... his justification was clear to me then. He never told me not to drink, but being told we could share a bed was enough for me not want to drink. That was the first real change. The second was makeup... he told me he thought I was more beautiful without makeup and I'm sure that was true. But I've always been one to paint my face, I've worn makeup since seventh grade, when I had to wear very little because the teachers would make us take it off if they noticed. So I caved, not wearing it that often. But that was even worse because when I did wear it I was questioned "who are you wearing it for?". I wasn't wearing it for anyone, I feel more confident and comfortable behind my layer of paint. To get over that he would tell me he didn't want to kiss me with lipstick on, he didn't like the way it tasted or how it would come off. Given the option of being comfortable or being able to kiss the man I loved, I chose the later. I actually got married the second time with very little makeup on and no lipstick... Crazy when I think back...
He was a non-smoker so it wasn't long before that became a point of contention. I tried to quit on my own, due to lack of money when our room-mate moved out. But as a smoker where there's a will there's a way. I compromised by smoking cloves, since he liked the smell of them. But in time he didn't want to kiss me because I tasted of cigs. To keep me from smoking in the house he said I was killing my cats with second hand smoke. For years I only smoked when out with friends, in the car and at work. I couldn't smoke in the car if he was in it or would be getting in it because I was "trying" to hide the fact that I was smoking. It was like being sixteen again and hiding it from my dad. I did manage to stop for two weeks onces, after surgery, but upon going back to work I started up again.
During our years together I had a friends who's girlfriend I became friends with. They broke up when she decided she needed to experiment with her bi-sexuality... that ended with her being a lesbian and marrying a woman. The problem with this friendship, he thought she was going to "turn me gay". I've been every open about my sexuality since the age of sixteen. I don't hide my attraction to woman. I would rather look at a woman then a man. Just like a man, I love the way they taste and how soft their skin is, I love the curves of their bodies and the raise of their breasts. With all that said I still love men. I love how a man can make me feel like I'm protected and the weight of a man on my body when having sex. I love the roughness of their skin and the way a man smells after working. He could never find comfort in any friendships I found with lesbians. So over time I broke off those friendships.
I have always been one to have many male friends, men are easy for me to trust. They are far simpler creatures and don't fuck your ex's or borrow clothing. There's more to that, that I will not go into here, but safice to say I just trust and bond better with men then woman. But this too made him uncomfortable. I can understand that since I've married twice and both were my best friends before entering into relationships with them. But it's also hard to have any kind of friendship when your own baggage makes you not trust woman and your mate can't trust your friendship with men. I found myself a few years into my relationship to have really no friends except my mate. That's every difficult for an extrovert like myself... but compromise is part of relationships so I gave my friendships up just like so many other things.
Once point I would not give on is my family. My family never liked him and he really didn't care for them either. But I refused to choice between them. This lead to me spending holidays with my family while he stayed home. It was hard for me to constantly feel like I had to choice to share big moments in life with; either him or my family.
With all these compromises it still wasn't good enough. He still couldn't trust. He knew I always kept a journal and from time to time he gave into his own demons and would read my journal. I forgave him the first two times he admitted to it. The third time was the final straw. After nearly seven years with him I had to leave the relationship. I couldn't take being with someone that couldn't trust me when I wasn't doing anything wrong. I couldn't stay with someone that wouldn't make love to me and forbid me to have any "toys". I couldn't stay with someone that I had gave up so much of who I am to be with. I had to give up my marriage to find myself again.
I am a much stronger woman because of it. I vial my face in makeup everyday, I dress up in heels and all too short skirts (another point of contention that I didn't go into), I drink beer on the weekends and sometimes drink too much. I chain smoke and have a mouth of a sailor (just another thing I tried to change for him). I have a "toy box" full of all kinds of fun things. I have many friends and as much time as possible with them. I go to strip clubs and much as possible and have gained a few more piercings along the way (yes, another thing...). I dye my hair constantly (and other) and love myself! I have found myself again and love who I... who I always was. Sadly I never fully recovered, I still can not keep a paper journal worth a shit. There's still that "fear" that someone will read it and not like what they read, leading to major issues. I no longer write poetry of any kind because I can hear him in the back of my mind telling me it's just "bubble gum"poetry.
Maybe if he had been able to except me and all my flaws things would have been different. Maybe had I not been so willing to give up so many things that made me who I was I wouldn't have had to "find myself". But I don't regret any of it... all it made me stronger and the woman I am now.
All this said here's what I have to say.... to be so quick to compromise. Don't ask someone to change so much... even if you don't say the words. Know that girls like us are not like the others. I know it can be hard to except us, but it's not fair to either of us if you can't. A lot of time change leads to resentment in the long run... and even love will not keep you together when resentment starts to creep in. Dating a girl like us takes a lot... but it's so worth it!!