Drunk talk
Todays is Nikki's Birthday, and already, at 8 pm I am drunk. He has gone to his mum's, so I thought I'd update. Nik has said I am way more open when drunk, so I thought I'd share it with you, the reader.
We took the bike out today, in fact we just got back and I am frozen. I miss going down the express way doing 80 mph. I love that feeling. It so much sums up our relationship last year, going way to fast to be in full control and yet loving every minute of it!
I started doing the drunk talk tonight, where I made him promise that we can stay in Michigan until I retire from WCAA and after that we can move to New Mexico, where he want's to live. It makes since when you think about it, if we have a kid in the next few years, I would want to stay here until they graduate from high school anyway and that's about 20 years from now, that same time I would retire.
I asked him where he would like to be next year when he celebrates another birthday. He said he would be happy in the Florida Keys, single and engaged with me half naked doing "body shots" (ok, not those words, but we are cleaning it up a bit tonight). That answer made me happy.
I asked him earlier how he celebrated last year and he couldn't remember. He thinks at home watching movies with his kids. I good way to celebrate a birthday, surrounded by those you love. But then out of no where he said "your cool". I said "of course we just got off the bike and I am fucking cold!" He said that it all made him reflect and it was nice to spend a birthday with someone that shares the same interest as him. That is was fun to go out on the bike and share a drink with someone he loves. It made me feel good and reminded me how good he and I are together. I think I've found my match in so many ways.
I feel bad saying that, P and I had some good times together and I wouldn't change them for the world. I was so in love with him, but time changes people and yet it reminds us of who we are. I could never make him and myself both happy. He wanted me to be something I wasn't, hell I wanted to be for him something I wasn't. This is who I am to the core, I drunk 27 year old that enjoys parting a lot. P does not need that or want that in his life.
Why the talk of P? Because yesterday in his LJ he admitted to being IN LOVE with the first Michelle. I am happy for him, really I am. And yet it kind of stunk. It stunk not because he loves her, I have always known that, but to hear he is IN LOVE with her makes me question myself and our relationship. Like was he IN LOVE with me? Could I have made him happy for a life time? Would have I have been enough? I know it should not matter now, but when you are feeling this way, drunk and questioning, you admit to those things you don't normally admit to.
Well, Survivor is on and I must go watch it, that's the reason I did not go with Nik to his mum's. Be back soon...
Commercial and a bit more sober. I hate that I have rambled on about P. That was not the intention. It is Nikki's birthday and that should be my focus. It's funny sometimes how the mind works when induced by a bit of liquor. I get so much more emotional, so much more willing to talk about those things I wish not to talk about when sober. Tigre says I get more affectionet and more huggy. Yeah, I guess that is true, but I am also willing and want to say those things I don't and won't say normally.
I told Nik tonight that which I told Red last week about my question of kids and if I think we, that being Nik and I, should have them. First I look at his age, 46 today. Next I think about what both he and J said about the inability to have them. Shit, shows back on...
Each time I sit here I am more sober. Ok, as to where I was with kids. I admit to Red last week that maybe Nik and I shouldn't have kids and that maybe deep down I am ok with that. First, he has two kids and I will get to watch them grow and change and become their own persons. Secondly, we could not live the life we live if we had to worry about setters and all that goes with that. We live to carefree, we enjoy our "single" lives where we live each moment for the experience of it. Oh, he is a father first and foremost, but given the kids and tucked snug in their beds most of the time at their mom's. we can do what we do best. Though, if they were to be with us we would each change our lives without hesitation or second thought.
I want to go into the source of our thoughts or what lead to this conversation, but I am unsure if it's the time or place to....
...
It's now 2:30 and I'm wasted again. Nik and I went to the 8 ball to celebrate. I have no clue what I wrote before but it's bed time now.
Lots of Hugs,
-Blythe
We took the bike out today, in fact we just got back and I am frozen. I miss going down the express way doing 80 mph. I love that feeling. It so much sums up our relationship last year, going way to fast to be in full control and yet loving every minute of it!
I started doing the drunk talk tonight, where I made him promise that we can stay in Michigan until I retire from WCAA and after that we can move to New Mexico, where he want's to live. It makes since when you think about it, if we have a kid in the next few years, I would want to stay here until they graduate from high school anyway and that's about 20 years from now, that same time I would retire.
I asked him where he would like to be next year when he celebrates another birthday. He said he would be happy in the Florida Keys, single and engaged with me half naked doing "body shots" (ok, not those words, but we are cleaning it up a bit tonight). That answer made me happy.
I asked him earlier how he celebrated last year and he couldn't remember. He thinks at home watching movies with his kids. I good way to celebrate a birthday, surrounded by those you love. But then out of no where he said "your cool". I said "of course we just got off the bike and I am fucking cold!" He said that it all made him reflect and it was nice to spend a birthday with someone that shares the same interest as him. That is was fun to go out on the bike and share a drink with someone he loves. It made me feel good and reminded me how good he and I are together. I think I've found my match in so many ways.
I feel bad saying that, P and I had some good times together and I wouldn't change them for the world. I was so in love with him, but time changes people and yet it reminds us of who we are. I could never make him and myself both happy. He wanted me to be something I wasn't, hell I wanted to be for him something I wasn't. This is who I am to the core, I drunk 27 year old that enjoys parting a lot. P does not need that or want that in his life.
Why the talk of P? Because yesterday in his LJ he admitted to being IN LOVE with the first Michelle. I am happy for him, really I am. And yet it kind of stunk. It stunk not because he loves her, I have always known that, but to hear he is IN LOVE with her makes me question myself and our relationship. Like was he IN LOVE with me? Could I have made him happy for a life time? Would have I have been enough? I know it should not matter now, but when you are feeling this way, drunk and questioning, you admit to those things you don't normally admit to.
Well, Survivor is on and I must go watch it, that's the reason I did not go with Nik to his mum's. Be back soon...
Commercial and a bit more sober. I hate that I have rambled on about P. That was not the intention. It is Nikki's birthday and that should be my focus. It's funny sometimes how the mind works when induced by a bit of liquor. I get so much more emotional, so much more willing to talk about those things I wish not to talk about when sober. Tigre says I get more affectionet and more huggy. Yeah, I guess that is true, but I am also willing and want to say those things I don't and won't say normally.
I told Nik tonight that which I told Red last week about my question of kids and if I think we, that being Nik and I, should have them. First I look at his age, 46 today. Next I think about what both he and J said about the inability to have them. Shit, shows back on...
Each time I sit here I am more sober. Ok, as to where I was with kids. I admit to Red last week that maybe Nik and I shouldn't have kids and that maybe deep down I am ok with that. First, he has two kids and I will get to watch them grow and change and become their own persons. Secondly, we could not live the life we live if we had to worry about setters and all that goes with that. We live to carefree, we enjoy our "single" lives where we live each moment for the experience of it. Oh, he is a father first and foremost, but given the kids and tucked snug in their beds most of the time at their mom's. we can do what we do best. Though, if they were to be with us we would each change our lives without hesitation or second thought.
I want to go into the source of our thoughts or what lead to this conversation, but I am unsure if it's the time or place to....
...
It's now 2:30 and I'm wasted again. Nik and I went to the 8 ball to celebrate. I have no clue what I wrote before but it's bed time now.
Lots of Hugs,
-Blythe