Oh, the horror! The horror... the horror...
Title: The Value of Sexual Purity - An essay by Sirius Black, as requested by Professor MacGonagall
Rating: +14
Parings: Remus/Sirius, unrequited James/Lily
A/N: While procrastinating I wandered off to underlucius' fictional character hate meme. Logged in as sirius_black888 and started playing. minervamac (MacGonagall) gave Sirius detention, making him write a 4 feet long essay on the Value of Sexual Purity, with clear examples and footnotes. I wrote this. It's not 4 feet long, but it has clear examples and footnotes (gently provided by midnitemaraud_r). *headdesk*
ETA: Here's MacGonagall's reply. *cackles*
The Value of Sexual Purity
An essay by Sirius Black, as requested by Professor MacGonagall
~~~~~
Sexual Purity has no value whatsoever, hence this cannot be discussed.
I shall instead write about the value of losing said purity, therefore making this essay four feet long. With many clear examples and footnotes.
It's a known fact that teenagers have too much energy inside themselves, due mostly to hormones, thus the feeling that teenagers have that the world is their oyster (Honestly! Has the person who invented this cliché ever eaten an oyster? Who would want an oyster for world? Is it the pearls?).
Said feeling usually degenerates into pent-up frustration or reckless behaviour (therefore endangering the walls of Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry), which, when adding the usual doubts and worries teenagers have, can have cataclysmic results.
This happens because their extra energy they are not ready to control is channelled in the wrong direction. It should be directioned into the pursuit of losing Sexual Purity.
Case study #1: One SnivSeverus Snape (1), student in the Slytherin House:
Mr. Snape is not what anyone would call an example of what a handsome young man should be. And, worst than that, Mr. Snape has the social skills of a Hungarian Horntail.
The fact that he obviously still keeps his Sexual Purity results not only in the corner of his mouth being always pull down, but and more so in his usual bitterness.
Case study #2: One Remus John Lupin (2), who, as you as Deputy Headmaster know, turns into a werewolf once a month:
It was common for Mr. Lupin to get nervous and sometimes aggressive the day before full moon. Now that I give him he go down blow engage into giving him fellatio those days, he has been much calmer.
Case study #3: One Sirius Black (3):
Before Mr. Lupin and I started sha having se losing our Sexual Purity on a daily basis to each other, I would lose an average of 250 points/month to Gryffindor (YOUR House, Professor). Nowadays I lose an average of 50 points/month, which means a decrease of 80% average in point-losing to our dear House.
Case study #4: One James Potter (4):
Before Mr. Lupin and I started losing our Sexual Purity on a daily basis to each other, like I mentioned before, the aforementioned Mr. Snape was hexed an average of 16 times/week (8 times by me, the other 8 by Mr. Potter). Now that I'm otherwise occupied, he is being hexed an average of 10 times/week. 2 times by me, the same 8 times by Mr. Potter. Now, if one wen Lily Evans would just give in, and enable Mr. Potter to lose his Sexual Purity as well, there would be a decrease of 75% in giving that greasy git what he des the cruel and unnecessary torture of Mr. Snape.
________________________
(1) Species of homo erectus sporting an erectus proboscis.
(2) Species of Homo Lupus famous for possessing clever wit, a sexy arse, and a particular knack with his tongue that would make even your hair curl, Professor.
(3) Me.
(4) Species of Hetero Damn straight that's hetero, Padfoot! M'not a ponce like you! Stagus who, despite protestations is indeed a ponce, possessing an abnormally large cranium, with a tendency to sprout large distended knobs from said cranial cavity to compensate for the shameful lack of use his other knob suffers from.
Rating: +14
Parings: Remus/Sirius, unrequited James/Lily
A/N: While procrastinating I wandered off to underlucius' fictional character hate meme. Logged in as sirius_black888 and started playing. minervamac (MacGonagall) gave Sirius detention, making him write a 4 feet long essay on the Value of Sexual Purity, with clear examples and footnotes. I wrote this. It's not 4 feet long, but it has clear examples and footnotes (gently provided by midnitemaraud_r). *headdesk*
ETA: Here's MacGonagall's reply. *cackles*
The Value of Sexual Purity
An essay by Sirius Black, as requested by Professor MacGonagall
~~~~~
Sexual Purity has no value whatsoever, hence this cannot be discussed.
I shall instead write about the value of losing said purity, therefore making this essay four feet long. With many clear examples and footnotes.
It's a known fact that teenagers have too much energy inside themselves, due mostly to hormones, thus the feeling that teenagers have that the world is their oyster (Honestly! Has the person who invented this cliché ever eaten an oyster? Who would want an oyster for world? Is it the pearls?).
Said feeling usually degenerates into pent-up frustration or reckless behaviour (therefore endangering the walls of Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry), which, when adding the usual doubts and worries teenagers have, can have cataclysmic results.
This happens because their extra energy they are not ready to control is channelled in the wrong direction. It should be directioned into the pursuit of losing Sexual Purity.
Case study #1: One SnivSeverus Snape (1), student in the Slytherin House:
Mr. Snape is not what anyone would call an example of what a handsome young man should be. And, worst than that, Mr. Snape has the social skills of a Hungarian Horntail.
The fact that he obviously still keeps his Sexual Purity results not only in the corner of his mouth being always pull down, but and more so in his usual bitterness.
Case study #2: One Remus John Lupin (2), who, as you as Deputy Headmaster know, turns into a werewolf once a month:
It was common for Mr. Lupin to get nervous and sometimes aggressive the day before full moon. Now that I give him he go down blow engage into giving him fellatio those days, he has been much calmer.
Case study #3: One Sirius Black (3):
Before Mr. Lupin and I started sha having se losing our Sexual Purity on a daily basis to each other, I would lose an average of 250 points/month to Gryffindor (YOUR House, Professor). Nowadays I lose an average of 50 points/month, which means a decrease of 80% average in point-losing to our dear House.
Case study #4: One James Potter (4):
Before Mr. Lupin and I started losing our Sexual Purity on a daily basis to each other, like I mentioned before, the aforementioned Mr. Snape was hexed an average of 16 times/week (8 times by me, the other 8 by Mr. Potter). Now that I'm otherwise occupied, he is being hexed an average of 10 times/week. 2 times by me, the same 8 times by Mr. Potter. Now, if one wen Lily Evans would just give in, and enable Mr. Potter to lose his Sexual Purity as well, there would be a decrease of 75% in giving that greasy git what he des the cruel and unnecessary torture of Mr. Snape.
________________________
(1) Species of homo erectus sporting an erectus proboscis.
(2) Species of Homo Lupus famous for possessing clever wit, a sexy arse, and a particular knack with his tongue that would make even your hair curl, Professor.
(3) Me.
(4) Species of Hetero Damn straight that's hetero, Padfoot! M'not a ponce like you! Stagus who, despite protestations is indeed a ponce, possessing an abnormally large cranium, with a tendency to sprout large distended knobs from said cranial cavity to compensate for the shameful lack of use his other knob suffers from.