(no subject)
"miami! i retroactively love you!" -- lorena cosme.
i dunno. i'm starting to feel real weird. this past weekend in miami made me love it and miss it in a way that i'd not yet experienced in the 3 times i'd been back previously. how much of it is, as lorena said, retroactively loving it..? how much of it is the romantic stir of nostalgia? how much of it is me choosing not to see the bad and seeing more of the good instead? maybe it was just because i crammed so much awesomeness into three days trying to give someone a crash-course quasi-comprehensive tour of miami..? i'm not entirely sure what did it this past weekend, but jesus H. christ, i miss my home town. i miss the loud cubans, i miss the food (not having a batido de trigo readily accessible is a fucking GOD DAMN CRIME), i miss the palm trees i used to loathe, i miss the skyline of downtown miami as you're driving over the causeway, i miss driving with a tank top on with the windows down...
more pictures and words, after the cut...
x. i have all of my friends there. i've made friends since i've lived here but it seems like people in this city are friends out of convenience. we see each other because we live close, we work together, we hang out at the same places, etc... and that's it. i do have friends here but i've not had many of them go way out of their way for me the way a lot of my friends back in MIA would, nor are they people i hang out with or talk to on a regular basis... it's depressing. most of my superhomies are back in miami (with some scattered elsewhere throughout the world). not to mention there are a few people back there with whom i would like to hang out more... perhaps someone with whom i feel there is unfinished business... my interpersonal relationships in miami were tight... i miss that sense of 'chosen family'.
x. i initially moved here for the mountains. ok, clap clap clap -- i'm over it. mountains are lovely but it's cold as balls up there. miami may be flat as a plate but i can go out to the ocean at any time on any day and go for a warm dip... i could even save up to get myself a fucking boat, a small dingy like ralph has, you know... and escape to the bahamas if i fuckin' wanted to, dock over there, have a few drinks... i mean... going out on the boat with my brother on sunday gave me an ENTIRELY different look at the freedoms of living in south florida. granted, it's an investment, but wow man... WOW. it's open, all open to you... once you realize the means. me + a dingy. that's it.
x. yes, miami is hot. it's grossly hot and humid and i remembered that this past weekend between thunder storms and unforgiving sun... but i'd rather be struttin' around in shorts and tanks and sweatin' a bit than layered and bundled up, crouching over in a debilitated fashion because i'm too cold to function (granted, the weather in SF has been way more tame this year than last).
x. behind the wheel, i could drive miami's highways with my fucking eyes closed (not that i'd ever try, smartasses). my wrists remembered every single turn, merge, veer, curve... even the streets.. driving through the gables i'd instinctively turn the wheel sharply to avoid potholes that are STILL THERE no matter how many times they've been filled over by the city.
x. my family. lyli and abuelo don't have much time left... and ralphie and sofia and natalie are growing up so fast that every time i go visit the difference is frightening. they still love me and think i'm fun and funny but... there's a difference. i dunno. i'm being forgotten and i suppose that's what i bargained for in a way but... i don't like it. and MY TAI. i love my dog more than anyone can imagine. he's my baby. and i fucking MISS HIM. i bawled my eyes out saying bye to him on monday morning. and my folks, you know... they drive me nuts, i drive them nuts... but they're my folks and i love them and you know, they're aging year by year... and i kind of feel like i need to be there.
but... if i decided to up and rent a U-Haul and drive across the country and go back to miami, what would i come home to..? i've never really known anyone in miami to be collecting unemployment... now dre, jose antonio and soon rob will be collecting..? finding a job certainly won't be much easier than it is here. moreover, mom's renting abuelo's side of the house to tavo and that's going to be pretty long term... i'd have to get my own place. from all i've heard, prices in miami are pretty much just as bad as they are out here these days. no job + apartment hunting... i dunno... it just all seems a really tough pill to swallow. anyway, i know if i left, sean would be really hurt. i know i have to be true to myself above all else... but it's hard when you know the kind of wake you'll leave rolling through someone else's life with any decisions you make for yourself.
i just feel like this last trip i made to miami did more harm than good for me, emotionally spreaking. in the sweetest way possible, you know... i had a great time seeing everyone and going out on the boat and going to the everglades and cruising the neighborhoods and passin' by old haunts and drunken night swimming in the warm ocean... but it really made me stop and think about things.
i've been here a year and a half, and what has the experience really added to my life? besides a few friends and meeting a wonderful guy like sean... well, i'm really at a loss. maybe a little bit more of a sense of responsibility... but... i'm starting to feel like san francisco is more of a nice place to visit than such a nice place to live. i started feeling like san francisco was my home but now i'm feeling like a stranger again........................
i dunno. i'm starting to feel real weird. this past weekend in miami made me love it and miss it in a way that i'd not yet experienced in the 3 times i'd been back previously. how much of it is, as lorena said, retroactively loving it..? how much of it is the romantic stir of nostalgia? how much of it is me choosing not to see the bad and seeing more of the good instead? maybe it was just because i crammed so much awesomeness into three days trying to give someone a crash-course quasi-comprehensive tour of miami..? i'm not entirely sure what did it this past weekend, but jesus H. christ, i miss my home town. i miss the loud cubans, i miss the food (not having a batido de trigo readily accessible is a fucking GOD DAMN CRIME), i miss the palm trees i used to loathe, i miss the skyline of downtown miami as you're driving over the causeway, i miss driving with a tank top on with the windows down...
more pictures and words, after the cut...
x. i have all of my friends there. i've made friends since i've lived here but it seems like people in this city are friends out of convenience. we see each other because we live close, we work together, we hang out at the same places, etc... and that's it. i do have friends here but i've not had many of them go way out of their way for me the way a lot of my friends back in MIA would, nor are they people i hang out with or talk to on a regular basis... it's depressing. most of my superhomies are back in miami (with some scattered elsewhere throughout the world). not to mention there are a few people back there with whom i would like to hang out more... perhaps someone with whom i feel there is unfinished business... my interpersonal relationships in miami were tight... i miss that sense of 'chosen family'.
x. i initially moved here for the mountains. ok, clap clap clap -- i'm over it. mountains are lovely but it's cold as balls up there. miami may be flat as a plate but i can go out to the ocean at any time on any day and go for a warm dip... i could even save up to get myself a fucking boat, a small dingy like ralph has, you know... and escape to the bahamas if i fuckin' wanted to, dock over there, have a few drinks... i mean... going out on the boat with my brother on sunday gave me an ENTIRELY different look at the freedoms of living in south florida. granted, it's an investment, but wow man... WOW. it's open, all open to you... once you realize the means. me + a dingy. that's it.
x. yes, miami is hot. it's grossly hot and humid and i remembered that this past weekend between thunder storms and unforgiving sun... but i'd rather be struttin' around in shorts and tanks and sweatin' a bit than layered and bundled up, crouching over in a debilitated fashion because i'm too cold to function (granted, the weather in SF has been way more tame this year than last).
x. behind the wheel, i could drive miami's highways with my fucking eyes closed (not that i'd ever try, smartasses). my wrists remembered every single turn, merge, veer, curve... even the streets.. driving through the gables i'd instinctively turn the wheel sharply to avoid potholes that are STILL THERE no matter how many times they've been filled over by the city.
x. my family. lyli and abuelo don't have much time left... and ralphie and sofia and natalie are growing up so fast that every time i go visit the difference is frightening. they still love me and think i'm fun and funny but... there's a difference. i dunno. i'm being forgotten and i suppose that's what i bargained for in a way but... i don't like it. and MY TAI. i love my dog more than anyone can imagine. he's my baby. and i fucking MISS HIM. i bawled my eyes out saying bye to him on monday morning. and my folks, you know... they drive me nuts, i drive them nuts... but they're my folks and i love them and you know, they're aging year by year... and i kind of feel like i need to be there.
but... if i decided to up and rent a U-Haul and drive across the country and go back to miami, what would i come home to..? i've never really known anyone in miami to be collecting unemployment... now dre, jose antonio and soon rob will be collecting..? finding a job certainly won't be much easier than it is here. moreover, mom's renting abuelo's side of the house to tavo and that's going to be pretty long term... i'd have to get my own place. from all i've heard, prices in miami are pretty much just as bad as they are out here these days. no job + apartment hunting... i dunno... it just all seems a really tough pill to swallow. anyway, i know if i left, sean would be really hurt. i know i have to be true to myself above all else... but it's hard when you know the kind of wake you'll leave rolling through someone else's life with any decisions you make for yourself.
i just feel like this last trip i made to miami did more harm than good for me, emotionally spreaking. in the sweetest way possible, you know... i had a great time seeing everyone and going out on the boat and going to the everglades and cruising the neighborhoods and passin' by old haunts and drunken night swimming in the warm ocean... but it really made me stop and think about things.
i've been here a year and a half, and what has the experience really added to my life? besides a few friends and meeting a wonderful guy like sean... well, i'm really at a loss. maybe a little bit more of a sense of responsibility... but... i'm starting to feel like san francisco is more of a nice place to visit than such a nice place to live. i started feeling like san francisco was my home but now i'm feeling like a stranger again........................