(no subject)
It has been a long time that I have been asleep. That I put to rest the person I used to be so that I could become the person that others wanted me to be. That others demanded I be so that they could live their comfortable little lives without guilt or discomfort.
I did so, not because I wanted to. I did so because I thought to be a good wife, a good lover, that is what one did. If someone you loved saw a fault in you, you made every effort to fix it, so that they would only see the perfection that was you.
But...that is really a lie. Because if they had loved me, I would have been perfect to them to begin with. There would have been nothing to perfect. There simply would have been me, and who I was and who I am, and them and who they were. And in that mix, there simply would have been acceptance of the facts that maybe those things that we find annoying in each other weren't worthy of changing, but of understanding and adjusting ourselves to accept those things.
It has been a moment of some trepidation and hesitation, and yet, an excitement that underlies it all, to once more admit the things that make up who I am. To bring those things that do actually bring me joy back out into the light. To wake up those parts I put to rest long ago and let them once more breathe and live.
I remember, one night, sitting in the living room on my couch in the townhouse, watching the movie Amelie. I love that movie, by the way. I love her quirky, eccentric nature. I love how her character secretly walks beside mine and fulfills the things I would like to some day. In short, I completely relate to the movie.
My roommate walked in. He had previously told me he had found the movie to be delightful, so I invited him to sit and watch it with me. He said, "Na...My son thinks the movie is sweet and romantic and loves it to death. I just find it silly and worthless."
I remember looking at him, and mumbling, "Then maybe I should be dating your son, you son of a bitch."
He had once been someone who told me he loved everything about me. That I gave him the inspiration to look at each day differently. And yet, even for him, I was still imperfect. I was silly, romantic, and with his own statement, basically worthless. And while that may sound like I am simply jumping to conclusions, when I was discussing the movie with him on an earlier date, I stated the same things I did above about why I liked it.
I will never understand why people have to brutally stab at the heart of who a person is. Why they have to take those things a person loves and enjoys and kill them off so that they can be happy. Especially when it was those very things that made them look at that person with love and adoration. Why kill the things that brought delight to the relationship? Why ruin what they have said they adored the most?
More to the point...Why let them?
Love does make sacrifices, but it shouldn't be of the self. It should be of things that you do out of love, not things that are put upon you in the name of it. Love would never ask that you change who you are, who the very core of what makes you who you are from everyone else on the planet.
It has taken me a great deal of time to come to this place. It has taken a great lover to show me what love is and what it isn't. When I woke up, the world was not the bleak place it had been when I went to sleep. I woke up to something much better and brighter than I remember.
I did so, not because I wanted to. I did so because I thought to be a good wife, a good lover, that is what one did. If someone you loved saw a fault in you, you made every effort to fix it, so that they would only see the perfection that was you.
But...that is really a lie. Because if they had loved me, I would have been perfect to them to begin with. There would have been nothing to perfect. There simply would have been me, and who I was and who I am, and them and who they were. And in that mix, there simply would have been acceptance of the facts that maybe those things that we find annoying in each other weren't worthy of changing, but of understanding and adjusting ourselves to accept those things.
It has been a moment of some trepidation and hesitation, and yet, an excitement that underlies it all, to once more admit the things that make up who I am. To bring those things that do actually bring me joy back out into the light. To wake up those parts I put to rest long ago and let them once more breathe and live.
I remember, one night, sitting in the living room on my couch in the townhouse, watching the movie Amelie. I love that movie, by the way. I love her quirky, eccentric nature. I love how her character secretly walks beside mine and fulfills the things I would like to some day. In short, I completely relate to the movie.
My roommate walked in. He had previously told me he had found the movie to be delightful, so I invited him to sit and watch it with me. He said, "Na...My son thinks the movie is sweet and romantic and loves it to death. I just find it silly and worthless."
I remember looking at him, and mumbling, "Then maybe I should be dating your son, you son of a bitch."
He had once been someone who told me he loved everything about me. That I gave him the inspiration to look at each day differently. And yet, even for him, I was still imperfect. I was silly, romantic, and with his own statement, basically worthless. And while that may sound like I am simply jumping to conclusions, when I was discussing the movie with him on an earlier date, I stated the same things I did above about why I liked it.
I will never understand why people have to brutally stab at the heart of who a person is. Why they have to take those things a person loves and enjoys and kill them off so that they can be happy. Especially when it was those very things that made them look at that person with love and adoration. Why kill the things that brought delight to the relationship? Why ruin what they have said they adored the most?
More to the point...Why let them?
Love does make sacrifices, but it shouldn't be of the self. It should be of things that you do out of love, not things that are put upon you in the name of it. Love would never ask that you change who you are, who the very core of what makes you who you are from everyone else on the planet.
It has taken me a great deal of time to come to this place. It has taken a great lover to show me what love is and what it isn't. When I woke up, the world was not the bleak place it had been when I went to sleep. I woke up to something much better and brighter than I remember.