Me Friend Sam
How can I even describe this? I met a woman who was bigger than life in 1985, right after I found the SCA in fact. In a Sign Language Class, I was never supposed to be involved with. It was supposed to be an intermediate class so that you would not loose your signs during the summer, but it read as "learn 200 to 500 words" so I was like why not?
I signed up and then was crazed at the concept of learning so many words so quickly but I felt up to the challenge. I can not tell you how instrumental that choice was in my life and world view. From that small beginning I can say most of my friends, and my husband and family came from this one thing. I could have cowardly gone away....but I stuck it out and met one of my best friends.
I will not use her real name, but I created her nick name- she actually hated shortened names so when I heard her actual name I took the first letters and SAM was born. It stuck and everyone called her that many did not even know her real name at all! LOL
Sam and I were inseparable, we played together, lived together, went to University together. It was not all fun, we had our share of fights. I like proving things to people and Sam hated being proven wrong and would go to astronomical lengths to be right, by causing larger fights. She never backed down, and would stand up to anyone if she felt she was in the right (which of course was all of the time!). I brought her to the "Nerd side of things" she had never heard of the SCA but found really nice people, I dragged her to her first Ren Faire and then the next year dragged her to work for it!! Again a life changing experience.
We met so many new friends people that were part of our lives from then on. We lost people as the time went on, and we met some crazy (literally) people. We both changed, but still were connected, I think in some ways too much so, do you all remember how they closed 'Will & Grace'? Where they had to leave each other's lives in order to make lives for themselves? I really feel that had to happen for me and Sam. When I met my husband, she did not want that change, while she was happy for me, I knew it changed our relationship, then I moved away and again we both changed, but Sam wanted me to stay the person I was. But I did not, while away, I learned to stand on my 2 feet and speak my mind. I no longer needed Sam to lead the way, I was able to do so readily. Sam had issues with this. It became so hard to deal with I would avoid her, and that is not a friendship. Money was also something that caused a rift, they say never lend money to family or friends, and in this instance it was true. I began to have conflict with my husband on the sheer amount of money I allowed Sam to borrow.
I remember coming down to Renaissance Faire, we were all excited about going and Sam wanted to speak with me privately and before she could say a word the knee jerk reaction was "no more borrowing money Sam". I think she was offended but it was more than $2,000.00 already and while I did make money, it seemed every single time I spoke with her it was about more she needed. I really don't know why she took me aside as she was offended, and rightly so, I felt badly but I also felt I needed to make a stand. We were young, and had a young child and we needed what extra we had so we could eventually buy a house, and well pay off things. We never received an iota of cash back from Sam....ever. It really was intolerable, especially when I found out she had gotten a settlement from a legal issue, and never once made good on sending me money. Each time she borrowed she would promise, yet she had this settlement and never spoke about it. It really hurt me, because I had always been generous. I think that ate at my friendship with her, and her never taking blame of things, well one time, we had come down and stayed with her at her apartment. She had cats that were undisciplined, they urinated on everything, I had spent more than 10 months creating my first Elizabethan from the skin out, and had pearled the bodice and added trim, everything. I was very proud of it, it was something I had fantasized about making for more than 10 years.
It was ruined, by the cats peeing on it and our suitcases and we had just purchased an ice chest that you could fold up and was really good at keeping this cold. So hubby took everything down to the Van, we did not notice the smell because well the whole apartment smelled of cat urine.
Hubby came back upstairs really upset, once outside he could smell the pee all over the brand new ice chest as well as our suitcases. Sam, though instead of just admitting that yes the cats had pee'd, wanted to make excuses that it was not that she pee'd on our suitcases and ice chest but they pee'd on something else and it dripped onto the suitcases and ice chest. Did that point of contention mean anything? Not really, not to me, or to the Hubby who showed her his hands that were yellow with dried pee just from handling our things.
She kept screaming we were wrong, Hubby was causing this issue and she did not want him in her house ever again-blah blah stupid crap blah. I just stared at her, and then made the choice, our friendship was not working for me anymore. So I told her this and walked away. This was 13 years ago....it was like losing my arm, my heart, part of my soul.
Sam died on Thanksgiving Morning, I still don't know what she died from. We were 5 months apart, at one point I could not think of my life without her, she had been on my mind this past year, like obsessively. I goggled her to see how she was, but was not not there, she did do Faire again and I saw pictures of her, she looks a lot like her Mom now. I had hoped she was happy, but she wanted to be a Nurse Midwife, and well that never happened I guess, even though she was a straight A student. I don't know why.
Sam died and that is it, she is dead, gone, I will not use those dumb euphemisms like 'passed away', or 'is gone from us'. Gods how we laughed! How we danced and played and cried on each other's shoulders, I lost so many babies, she got rid of one that I begged her to keep, then found out I was pregnant with my eldest. Ripples in the pond of time, each touching each other changing ourselves to be more from the touch.
Sam died. The spirit that was so HUGE, is no longer housed in flesh. Sam is gone, just like blowing out a candle.
My 20's and 30's, my Maid of Honor, labor coach, baby burrito maker, coo'er and doer of silly things, who helped me to confront issues (Funny that right?), who taught me to tease my black hair and thought a black 'perm' involved curlers LMAO still, who laughed until she pee'd when I said some guy was up to his 2nd knuckle in the next car with nasal perusal. We would sit in traffic and play, mate the BMW drivers. Sing the entire sides of Footloose, and Top Gun.
Sam is dead.
I don't think I want her to be, so can we have a do over? Nope I guess not. Sam? I miss who you were with me, and I miss who I wanted you to be. Sam, please be there when it is my time and I promise not to laugh at your vibrato.
We will sing 'Holding Out for a Hero', and drive Joshua, because I know he is with you, we will be in the black Scirocco again. with the windows down and the heat on, so we can stay awake until we get back home. Ian and Damian will be there, hopefully not peeing on everything, Snoopy too, I can only hope.
I thought we would grow old together, I know we are 50, but it was not enough time Sam.
To the next horizon Sammy girl, I won't pull your hair, and you won't roll over on me in bed okay?
G'night Sam, I miss you.