(no subject)
I'm so scared. I'm so scared of everything that could possibly happen.
I never wanted any of this and now that I have it, it means too much to fuck it up, and it's not worth it.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
I just wanted there to be a place for us, but there's never a place. There will never be a place. People will always find things and judge you for them and not understand, and the things you say and do will always affect people whether you want them to or not. You don't get a say. You don't get a say in any of it. It's sit down and shut up and hide, hide, hide, or risk losing everything.
And what's the point of the things you have, anyway?
There isn't one. It's all an illusion in the end. None of it's real - but it can still hurt. Hurt you and hurt them. There's a closeness that you feel sometimes and it scares you because you don't want that power. That transference. You don't want that connection.
But if you don't allow the possibility for it to hurt - if you run it like a business - then it's dead because it's not you. It's not for you, it's for them. And that's what you didn't want - that's what already exists elsewhere - the thing you created no longer has room for you in it.
And even then, they still might hurt you anyway.
Run away, far away. If they can feel your presence, then leave this place.
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. Not hard enough, but I'm trying.
I never thought I would run away from them.
I never wanted any of this and now that I have it, it means too much to fuck it up, and it's not worth it.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
I just wanted there to be a place for us, but there's never a place. There will never be a place. People will always find things and judge you for them and not understand, and the things you say and do will always affect people whether you want them to or not. You don't get a say. You don't get a say in any of it. It's sit down and shut up and hide, hide, hide, or risk losing everything.
And what's the point of the things you have, anyway?
There isn't one. It's all an illusion in the end. None of it's real - but it can still hurt. Hurt you and hurt them. There's a closeness that you feel sometimes and it scares you because you don't want that power. That transference. You don't want that connection.
But if you don't allow the possibility for it to hurt - if you run it like a business - then it's dead because it's not you. It's not for you, it's for them. And that's what you didn't want - that's what already exists elsewhere - the thing you created no longer has room for you in it.
And even then, they still might hurt you anyway.
Run away, far away. If they can feel your presence, then leave this place.
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. Not hard enough, but I'm trying.
I never thought I would run away from them.