where is my mind?
Yesterday, while going on a bunch of rickety carnival rides, I realized that I was afraid of dying.
This is new.
It's not like I want to die - I'd prefer to live - but I've never been afraid of dying before. I'm afraid of pain, of being taken by surprise, being powerless, but not of being dead.
I still wasn't afraid of the rides because I enjoy them and I knew that the risk was minuscule. But before, when I've contemplated my restraints failing or something, I've only ever been afraid of the free-fall. Never the actual life-ending part.
But yesterday I realized I would actually be afraid of that part too, if it came down to it.
This is rather annoying because I've always prided myself on giving zero fucks about death.
And I'm sure it would be all sweet and heartwarming if there were a nice reason for this change, like if I actually had something to lose for once, something that gave my life meaning all of a sudden. But nothing like that. In fact, I'm less happy than I've been for several years now. So I don't know why I suddenly felt like I had something to lose. I tried to think of something and came up empty.
It's just weird is all.
This is new.
It's not like I want to die - I'd prefer to live - but I've never been afraid of dying before. I'm afraid of pain, of being taken by surprise, being powerless, but not of being dead.
I still wasn't afraid of the rides because I enjoy them and I knew that the risk was minuscule. But before, when I've contemplated my restraints failing or something, I've only ever been afraid of the free-fall. Never the actual life-ending part.
But yesterday I realized I would actually be afraid of that part too, if it came down to it.
This is rather annoying because I've always prided myself on giving zero fucks about death.
And I'm sure it would be all sweet and heartwarming if there were a nice reason for this change, like if I actually had something to lose for once, something that gave my life meaning all of a sudden. But nothing like that. In fact, I'm less happy than I've been for several years now. So I don't know why I suddenly felt like I had something to lose. I tried to think of something and came up empty.
It's just weird is all.