Just Another Day in the Botany Lab - Star Trek
Just Another Day in the Botany Lab
Author's Notes: Author's Notes: A couple days ago, I found a rather amusing short conversation on Tumblr between an Alien and a human about pineapples. I told my dad, Paver83, about it, and he thought that it would make a fun Star Trek scene. Between the two of us, we had the idea hashed out in ten minutes, and I decided to type it up while he dictated it to me. This is very silly and probably requires a little bit of suspending disbelief, but it was fun to write!
I'll put up a link to the Tumblr post on AO3.
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Disclaimer: We do not own Star Trek. Also, we did no research whatsoever.
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Finishing his report, Dr. McCoy looked up and was surprised to discover that he had some free time right in the middle of the day. After a moment, he decided this was the perfect time to check in on some of the other biological science sections. He liked to keep up with them, especially after that unfortunate incident with what turned out not to be a hummingbird.
At random, he entered into the primary botany lab. Walking in, he saw that Spock was already in there, tricorder in hand and apparently in the process of analyzing something. With one of his favorite targe- ahem, crewmembers readily available, the doctor walked up to him. "So, Spock, whatcha doin'?"
Spock did not bother to look up from the tricorder. "I am currently analyzing these specimens." He had a slight frown upon his face. "This specimen of flora contains high enough levels of bromelain that they could actually cause damage to the more delicate tissues of many species, including humans." As he began making notations, he continued, "It is obvious that these specimens should be placed in secure storage to prevent accidents."
After glancing down at said specimens, McCoy turned to Spock with a deadpan expression. "Spock, they're pineapples."
At that, Spock finally looked up at the doctor. "They already have a name in Federation standard? Excellent. That will make it easier to file the necessary reports." He paused, considering. "That is an unusual name though."
"Spock, they're a popular human food item that have been used in recipes, particularly desserts, for the past several centuries, and they're pretty tasty as is too," Bones informed his colleague.
For the first time in the conversation, Spock straightened and turned to fully face McCoy, one eyebrow raised skeptically. "Doctor, I do not appreciate your attempts at humor, particularly when you are trying to feed me misinformation about what is obviously a dangerous substance."
As McCoy gaped at his colleague, who was woefully lacking in certain Terran-norms (and emotions), the door to the lab opened and Lieutenant Sulu walked in. Carrying a large, heavy knife, he stepped around the table that held the pineapples and cheerfully greeted them. "Good afternoon, sirs."
"Afternoon, Hikaru," McCoy drawled.
"Lieutenant," Spock acknowledged.
Grabbing one of the pineapples, Sulu efficiently chopped off its bottom before spinning it around to cut off the top. Curious, Spock leaned in slightly to observe more closely, and Sulu warned, "Be careful. Sometimes the juice splashes, and you don't want to get that in your eyes."
The helmsman flipped the fruit upright and started to slice the tough skin off in thick ribbons.
"Mr. Sulu, what are you doing?" Spock asked with bewilderment most certainly not creeping into his face and voice.
Slightly misunderstanding the science officer's question, Sulu explained, "I've been growing these here in the lab for months now, and they're finally ready. I don't think they're going to get beyond the lab though."
Just then, the door opened again. Captain Kirk strode in and up to the table. Grinning from ear to ear, he said, "Thanks for inviting me, Sulu." Looking at the other two officers, he said, "Oh, I see that you're here for this little party too."
Sulu smiled and said, "Pure luck, actually. Neither one of them was in their office when I went to find them; they just happened to be here when I got back."
"Well, when Lady Luck smiles, we should count our blessings."
Before Kirk could say anything else, he was interrupted by the door opening yet again, and Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Chekov entered. Without preamble, Uhura announced with a smile, "Scotty's on his way."
"Dare I ask what the occasion is?" Spock asked.
Kirk looked at his second in command with a smile. "Pineapple ripening day."
The rest of the room snickered, McCoy perhaps a little louder than the rest.
Sliding his knife under a piece of pineapple, Sulu held it out to Uhura. "Ladies first."
Kirk growled playfully. "Shouldn't that be senior officers first?"
Spock was torn between a disturbed curiosity at what would happen and lunging to prevent her from touching the pineapple. He settled for warning her, "But this substance contains an enzyme that will dissolve your flesh!"
Picking up the bite-sized chunk with her fingers, she shot a wicked grin in Spock's direction. "Not if I digest it first!" She tossed the piece in her mouth and immediately moaned in appreciation. "Oh, this is delicious! I haven't had any of this since Earth!"
Quickly, McCoy grabbed a bite and popped it in his own mouth. Around his mouthful, he muttered, "This is what I miss most about not being planetside: real fresh food, instead of that replicator crap." His statement was met with a chorus of agreement as almost everyone else took a piece.
"Pavel, why haven't you eaten any?" Sulu asked his best friend.
Chekov waved a hand. "Allergy." Gazing at the dismembered fruit with longing, he snagged a piece. "Doctor, you may be heving a patient with a mild resh in the near future."
It was McCoy's turn to moan.
Scotty finally arrived, asking, "Is there aneh left?"
Motioning him over, Kirk reassured him, "You're just in time, Scotty." The captain then turned to Spock. "Haven't you eaten any? This isn't meat, you know."
With a slightly stunned expression, Spock replied, "It doesn't help."
Kirk paused, then asked, "What doesn't help?"
"Being half human. It still does not allow me understand you. This specimen of flora contains enough of an enzyme to cause damage to the tissues of your mouth, yet you are willingly ingesting it, in full knowledge of that and any other negative reactions from the act."
"Yes."
"Uh-huh."
"Yep."
"You bet!"
"The bleeding doesn't actually hurt that much."
Kirk clapped a commiserating hand on Spock's upper arm. "Don't worry about it. Being fully human isn't really all that helpful for understanding humans either."
As the captain went to get more fruit, McCoy sidled up to Spock's other side and nudged him with his elbow. "Toldja so."
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Author's Notes 2: Pineapples are one of my favorite fruits, and Sulu chops it up the same way I do; I actually have one in the fridge right now, and it is So Good. Sulu invited everyone in person because he didn't want half the ship to show up (plus, you know, plot). I also think that fresh food is probably a bit easier to find in canon than we make it out to be here, but we claim artistic license. Also, I apologize if anyone has trouble with Scotty or Chekov's accents. I started reading Star Trek books when I was eleven and fell in love with the accents written out, so I might have been a bit overzealous here.