So Rachel and I have been texting in anticipation of the comic update...
Me: What if they go find Sniper staying with his parents and his parents BEG Miss Pauling to take him back because he's enthusiastically trying to help around the house and just messing everything up?
"LOOK MUM I DID THE LAUNDRY! :D" "Oh. Oh, hun. That's...that's too much bleach. That's way too much bleach."
Her: Oh my god that is so cute I might just die
Me: Or he goes out to tend the sheep and his dad comes outside and all the sheep are wearing coats and hats to keep warm and Sniper's standing there all proud.
Her: He tries to make his mum brekkie and burns the eggs and somehow burns the toast.
Even the dog won't touch the burnt food
Me: He burns the milk. No one is sure how.
Bowls of cereal just burst into flame around him. Pyro would be so impressed.
Her: They sheer them too late, close to winter and gives them clothes. His dad isn't too thrilled because they are his clothes
Excuse me I now have the beetus
Me: The mercs show up to ask him to come back and he refuses because his parents are finally proud of him. His parents go "no honey really it's okay follow your crazed gunman dreams." He asks if they're sure, but they're already loading his luggage into the car.
Her: Before he goes, he hands his mum a poorly knitted blanket but he's just so proud of it oh my god he's such a precious horse faced dork.
Me: Oh gooooood that's so cute.
Oh no what if he greets his old teammates with handmade gifts?
Her: Hhhhhhhhh he's such a mama's boy
Oooooooh my god
Me: I'm still fond of the headcanon that Spy's pompom ski mask was a handmade gift from Sniper.
Like he made Scout a scarf but it's like three miles long and Sniper just enthusiastically wraps it around Scout and all you can see is one eye and a twitching Scout-hand.
Her: Oh jeez he's becoming too precious
Me: He knits overalls for Engie. I don't know.
OH NO A HANDKNIT EYEPATCH FOR DEMO.
With a little bomb pattern worked into the yarn.
Her: Dohohohohohoho he stands back to look at it and laughs about his miscalculations, telling scout he'll grow into it
Eye patch and scrumpy cozy XD
Me: Scout tottering around Coldfront as a heap of yarn, crashing into things.
Scrumpy cozy omg yes.
He knits a dove-carrier for Medic.
He, at least, remembers to make Pyro'sout of flame-retardant yarn.
Her: Friggin dove carrier. It looks like a baby carrier oh my god sniper you ass
Me: It's like one of those baby-snuggy things that straps the baby to someone's chest. But picture it knitted out of pink yarn with lots of little dove heads peeking out.
Her: I'm gonna cry that is hilariously adorable
Me: Heavy needs a gift. Maybe a pair of GIGANTIC mittens.
Oh no, what can he make for Soldier? Maybe he makes him a big American flag sweater. Soldier thinks it's amazing and also it will keep him warm those cold nights in the dumpster.
Her: Poor soldier needs a place to stay haha
Sniper cannot be this adorable. It's too much!
Me: Ooh! Maybe Sniper can knit him a little house to live in.
Her: Some dumpster cozies and such. Soldier asks to live in the van. It does not go over well
Me: Sniper knits him a decoy van to distract him. Within minutes it's filled with sour cream and raccoons.
Her: Gosh darn those raccoons and sour cream!
Me: I'm just picturing a vaguely van-shaped wad of yarn with raccoons stuck in it. And a very happy Soldier because now he has a place to live. And Sniper's happy because he doesn't wake up to find Soldier eating cereal out of one of his hats.
Me: So what if it turns out Sniper got a quiet office job to make his parents happy, but he's sad and bored out of his mind and spends all day making little enemy mercenaries out of post-it notes and paperclips and knocks them over with paper footballs while whispering, "boom. Headshot."?
Her: Oh my god. Or what if he gets a similar job Soldier had at one point, showing little old tourists around his home land. Although your idea is friggin adorable,
Me: Oh god if he's a tour guide they probably make him wear humiliating shorts. And he just drives flash-happy tourists around in a jeep going, "...that's a croc. That's another croc. That's a 'roo. That's that first croc again," and hating his life.
He makes a little extra on the side giving moustache rides OH NO WHAT HAVE I DONE.
Her: HEY NOW WOAH THERE. A croc sighter by day, a lean shirtless muddy croc wrestler at night.
Oh goodness...
Me: I'm just picturing his parents wandering into his after-hours moonlighting to bring him dinner. They see him, and they just stand there, shaking their heads disappointedly.
That or they're super-proud because that's how you get elected mayor in their town.
Her: OH MY GOD. They are like the supportive parents of a stripper. They are there watching all of the shows. Ohhhhhhh nooooo
Me: Sniper takes off his aviators to wipe away a single manly tear. At last his parents are proud of him. And his tiny shorts, and mudcaked chest hair.
Her: And then he proceeds to wake up, the sun peeking through the shades in his van's windows. He rubs his eyes and shakes his head as he stands to stretch. He walks over to the coffee pot next to the small sink and dumps it down the drain. "Now I remember why I stopped drinking this crap before bed." He mumbles as he starts his day.
Me: What if he's been overexposed to Australium while he's over there, but his chest hair grew in in the shape of New Zealand? Alas, he has been found out.
Her: Oh my god Laj no xD the funny thing is that he has stubble, arm hair, and leg hair, but no chest hair. It's hilarious.
Me: We have never seen his chest entirely exposed. He could be one big treasure trail, for all we know.
Her: Goodness gracious that would be one hell of a sight oAo
Me: I see no way for Sniper not to at least be moderately hairy all over. Maybe he's reverse-Saxton Hale...hairy everywhere save an Australia-shaped bald patch.
Her: Sniper is becoming more of a dork and I love it.
"LOOK MUM I DID THE LAUNDRY! :D" "Oh. Oh, hun. That's...that's too much bleach. That's way too much bleach."
Her: Oh my god that is so cute I might just die
Me: Or he goes out to tend the sheep and his dad comes outside and all the sheep are wearing coats and hats to keep warm and Sniper's standing there all proud.
Her: He tries to make his mum brekkie and burns the eggs and somehow burns the toast.
Even the dog won't touch the burnt food
Me: He burns the milk. No one is sure how.
Bowls of cereal just burst into flame around him. Pyro would be so impressed.
Her: They sheer them too late, close to winter and gives them clothes. His dad isn't too thrilled because they are his clothes
Excuse me I now have the beetus
Me: The mercs show up to ask him to come back and he refuses because his parents are finally proud of him. His parents go "no honey really it's okay follow your crazed gunman dreams." He asks if they're sure, but they're already loading his luggage into the car.
Her: Before he goes, he hands his mum a poorly knitted blanket but he's just so proud of it oh my god he's such a precious horse faced dork.
Me: Oh gooooood that's so cute.
Oh no what if he greets his old teammates with handmade gifts?
Her: Hhhhhhhhh he's such a mama's boy
Oooooooh my god
Me: I'm still fond of the headcanon that Spy's pompom ski mask was a handmade gift from Sniper.
Like he made Scout a scarf but it's like three miles long and Sniper just enthusiastically wraps it around Scout and all you can see is one eye and a twitching Scout-hand.
Her: Oh jeez he's becoming too precious
Me: He knits overalls for Engie. I don't know.
OH NO A HANDKNIT EYEPATCH FOR DEMO.
With a little bomb pattern worked into the yarn.
Her: Dohohohohohoho he stands back to look at it and laughs about his miscalculations, telling scout he'll grow into it
Eye patch and scrumpy cozy XD
Me: Scout tottering around Coldfront as a heap of yarn, crashing into things.
Scrumpy cozy omg yes.
He knits a dove-carrier for Medic.
He, at least, remembers to make Pyro'sout of flame-retardant yarn.
Her: Friggin dove carrier. It looks like a baby carrier oh my god sniper you ass
Me: It's like one of those baby-snuggy things that straps the baby to someone's chest. But picture it knitted out of pink yarn with lots of little dove heads peeking out.
Her: I'm gonna cry that is hilariously adorable
Me: Heavy needs a gift. Maybe a pair of GIGANTIC mittens.
Oh no, what can he make for Soldier? Maybe he makes him a big American flag sweater. Soldier thinks it's amazing and also it will keep him warm those cold nights in the dumpster.
Her: Poor soldier needs a place to stay haha
Sniper cannot be this adorable. It's too much!
Me: Ooh! Maybe Sniper can knit him a little house to live in.
Her: Some dumpster cozies and such. Soldier asks to live in the van. It does not go over well
Me: Sniper knits him a decoy van to distract him. Within minutes it's filled with sour cream and raccoons.
Her: Gosh darn those raccoons and sour cream!
Me: I'm just picturing a vaguely van-shaped wad of yarn with raccoons stuck in it. And a very happy Soldier because now he has a place to live. And Sniper's happy because he doesn't wake up to find Soldier eating cereal out of one of his hats.
Me: So what if it turns out Sniper got a quiet office job to make his parents happy, but he's sad and bored out of his mind and spends all day making little enemy mercenaries out of post-it notes and paperclips and knocks them over with paper footballs while whispering, "boom. Headshot."?
Her: Oh my god. Or what if he gets a similar job Soldier had at one point, showing little old tourists around his home land. Although your idea is friggin adorable,
Me: Oh god if he's a tour guide they probably make him wear humiliating shorts. And he just drives flash-happy tourists around in a jeep going, "...that's a croc. That's another croc. That's a 'roo. That's that first croc again," and hating his life.
He makes a little extra on the side giving moustache rides OH NO WHAT HAVE I DONE.
Her: HEY NOW WOAH THERE. A croc sighter by day, a lean shirtless muddy croc wrestler at night.
Oh goodness...
Me: I'm just picturing his parents wandering into his after-hours moonlighting to bring him dinner. They see him, and they just stand there, shaking their heads disappointedly.
That or they're super-proud because that's how you get elected mayor in their town.
Her: OH MY GOD. They are like the supportive parents of a stripper. They are there watching all of the shows. Ohhhhhhh nooooo
Me: Sniper takes off his aviators to wipe away a single manly tear. At last his parents are proud of him. And his tiny shorts, and mudcaked chest hair.
Her: And then he proceeds to wake up, the sun peeking through the shades in his van's windows. He rubs his eyes and shakes his head as he stands to stretch. He walks over to the coffee pot next to the small sink and dumps it down the drain. "Now I remember why I stopped drinking this crap before bed." He mumbles as he starts his day.
Me: What if he's been overexposed to Australium while he's over there, but his chest hair grew in in the shape of New Zealand? Alas, he has been found out.
Her: Oh my god Laj no xD the funny thing is that he has stubble, arm hair, and leg hair, but no chest hair. It's hilarious.
Me: We have never seen his chest entirely exposed. He could be one big treasure trail, for all we know.
Her: Goodness gracious that would be one hell of a sight oAo
Me: I see no way for Sniper not to at least be moderately hairy all over. Maybe he's reverse-Saxton Hale...hairy everywhere save an Australia-shaped bald patch.
Her: Sniper is becoming more of a dork and I love it.