time for a major update...
Ok...it's been a while since I felt like updating. Sorry...but
it's been some tough times lately..i'll explain finally today though.
Ok...from the begining of the month...and i'll try not to be too
lengthy about the early stuff. Well..on (and around) my birthday chris
was bugging me to go with him to Dallas with his family. I don't
mind spending time with his family...but sometimes i just want my time
to be with me and people i feel close and comfortable with. I
guess I didn't want to go because I wanted to spend my day how I
wanted. Not only that, but sometimes i think that i get invited because
chris nags his parents till they says yes, or they allow me to because
he goes and tells them what my financial status is and they feel bad
for me of something...i don't know. It just makes me wonder
sometimes what the motivation is. It is ok for me if it's just
because they like me and want to include me, but somethings in the past
make me think otherwise. I'm not an idiot reguarding the real
world...I've been poor all my life and am quite used to it, there is no
need for pity...only understanding if I say I can't do something.
Anyways I ended up going and I did have a good time (which I did think
i'd have a good time so don't get me wrong, it's just the pricipal of
the thing). Other than that...well chris and I not too long ago
had a little fight again. It really started boiling my blood when
he told me to do his laundry...I told him I had homework to do and he
kinda told me in an annoyed tone that he guessed he'd just do it
later. So I did as he asked since he got pissy about it, but then
the next day or so he didn't call me to tell me he wasn't coming home
at all (which i would at least like a call so I know he's not dead
somewhere ya know?) and a few other things too that just really ticked
me off. I finally somewhat talked to him about the issues (more
like i talked and didn't let him talk much [well type since we were
online]). When he got home we had a more civil conversation...I
said a few things a little too harshly online...which was unfair of me
i admit. I had no intentions of breaking up...I just wanted him
to realize that there are other guys out there, and I stay with him
because I love him..not because i'm afraid I couldn't find someone
else. I do nice things like laundry just to be nice...not because
i'm a servant to him. He got the point and we worked things out
fairly well, which was good. Unfortunately the reason I may have
been more harsh then normal is because that evening when I was
chattting online with him ...I also found out that my beloved horse had
to be put down the following morning. I'm still heart broken
about that...we put her down on Thursday June 17th. It really hit
me hard cause I had known her since I was seven years old. I
remember that for the rest of my childhood I idolized her...I'd draw
nothing other than pictures of her...EVERYTHING was about my girl
Missy. I'd go to my riding lessons and pretend she and I were in
competitions and we were always the champions (as if anything else but
number one would do in my childhood fantisies). I remember Missy
liking me best out of all the other riders...we had a special bond she
and I. She had a wild temperment except so much for me...she was
calm with me. Sometimes my instructor even would call me back to
the stable to calm her down for another rider. When I turned ten
Lynn (my instructor) decided to sell her to us...she saw that missy and
I were bonded, and since I had moved I couldn't be with her
anymore. I was over joyed to get missy...and up till high school
i spent just about every waking moment with her. But high school
came...and I had to leave her..I didn't have time to spend with
her...and when I did I was just too tired. This is how it has
been for college too. In her older years I hadn't riden her for a
while cause I knew she had arthritis...and knew it hurts her to bare my
weight along with her own...so i'd go out ever now and then and give
her an apple or take her out for grazing. It just wasn't what I
wanted to give her though. There were so many things I wanted for
her...a proper stall, endless running space (she always loved
speed...and I loved it with her). I just can't say enough...I
wanted more....more time especially. God I miss her. I'll
never see her again again...it's like loosing my best friend. I
feel that i didn't give her the attention she deserved for the past few
years...and i feel aweful about that. I hope she forgives my
faults. I truly did love her. Even though it's been a few
days since she died...every night right before i go to sleep i end up
crying cause i think of her. No horse will ever top her...she
will always be my favorite girl. Maybe sometime I'll post a link
to a picture of her if I get around to it. You'll see how pretty
she was too. Very light grey...almost white...and so beautiful...