Eclipse play-by-play snarkcap
So, having evidently nothing better to do on a Saturday night, I found a cam of Eclipse and watched it.
I barely made it through the first Twilight movie, but was mildly entertained by New Moon, so I tried to keep an open mind about this installment. Needless to say, my unforgiving snarky side took over quickly. While I didn't find the movie completely without merit... if you love the series and this movie, I'd highly advise skipping over the rest of this entry.
-- The SpeedyVampire effects in these movies will never stop being cheesy.
-- Does Kristen Stewart ever crack a smile in these movies? I think she did maybe once in New Moon. Pattinson's no better.
-- He sabotaged her truck just because he didn't like she was going to see Jacob? Guy did that to me, he'd be looking for someone else to spend eternity with. But of course Bella just offers a token display of anger and goes right back to status quo.
-- I just can't stand Edward. Period. I don't think it's a coincidence that he was absent for most of New Moon and so far that's been the least draggy installment of the series for me. I can't stand Bella much either, and certainly don't get why Edward and Jacob get into such pissing contests over her, but at least she showed some hints at a personality once she was around Jacob.
-- Bella's dad is officially the closest person this movie has to awesome. Guess it skipped Bella's generation.
-- Okay, the t-shirt quilt thing was kind of aww-worthy.
-- "I do trust you." Yeah, because nothing says trust like killing your girlfriend's truck so she doesn't visit the hot werewolf guy who's crushing on her. Oh, wait, he played the "it's him I don't trust" card.
-- Experiencing the same problem I had with the first Twilight movie, not being able to go more than five minutes or so without pausing it to get a snack or take a piss. This bodes well.
-- Wow, 20 whole minutes before a gratuitous shirtless wolfpack moment! DRINK!
-- Wow, someone in Forks who doesn't think the sun shines out Bella's ass. Point in Leah's favor.
-- Team Edward or Team Jacob? Right now they're both pretty much controlling jerks, so it doesn't really matter.
-- Ten minutes later, more wolfy abs. DRINK! Love the catcalls. *g*
-- "Doesn't he have a shirt?" HA. Okay, that was actually pretty good.
- Oh yeah, territory-marking is SO hot.
-- So there's some subplot about a vampire army in Seattle. Eh.
-- Ugh, more "I know what's best for you and you don't" crap from the boys in Bella's life. And God, WHY are they so eager to fight for this girl?
-- "I kissed Bella and she broke her hand punching me in the face. Total misunderstanding." Almost funny. Almost.
-- Wow. Someone finally presents a logical, coherent argument for Bella to at least slow down and consider what she's doing... and Bella again goes LALALA MY LOVE FOR EDWARD TRUMPS YOUR SILLY LOGIC.
-- Vampire army subplot still boring.
-- God, I'm not even an hour into this thing yet?
-- Kristen Stewart's wig should have its own place in the credits.
-- As usual, the peripherals have a more interesting story than the mains. IMO Alice and Jasper were sweeter in that one moment than Edward and Bella have been over the course of the entire series. Not that that really says much.
-- The shirt disappears again! DRINK!
-- God, the circular logic KILLS me. "Turn me." "No, I can't because you'll lose your soul." "Okay, do me." "No, I can't because it'll kill you." "Then turn me." "No." "Then do me." "No, not until we're married." What, a piece of paper's going to save you from ripping her throat out? If you plan on doing her, you have to turn her. Just dump her and stick to it this time, you selfish twat.
-- Least sexy makeout scene EVER.
-- That ring is HUGE. And not at all attractive.
-- Engaged. Gee, who saw THAT coming?
-- Great, back to the army crap. Guess at least it's a break from Edward and Bella.
-- Wolfpack abs again! If this were a real drinking game, I might be tanked enough to actually enjoy this movie by now.
-- The Pacific Northwest scenery is wasted on these movies.
-- "Let's face it, I AM hotter than you." Oh, such a bad line it's awesome, and apparently the audience agrees.
-- So Edward admits Jacob may be better for her, can give her the human life he wants for her. Knowing that this later translates into Edward offering Bella to Jacob to make pretty werewolf babies with because vamp babies would kill her? *squirms uncomfortably*
-- Heh. There's more spark between Edward and Jacob than Edward and Bella - again, not that that means much. You guys both admit your love for Bella is what gets in the way of you being closer? Just ditch her already, then. It'd be better for all three of you, since I clearly won't get my favored "ROCKS FALL, EVERYONE DIES" ending.
-- They can't be what, more than a hundred feet from her telepathic fiance and they're making out? That strikes me as slightly, erm, stupid. Then again, not exactly thinking with their heads here, of course.
-- I was under the impression she was more torn in the book between Jacob and Edward? Not so much here. *shrug* If they're not going to bother trying to make the triangle convincing, why make any pretense of one at all?
-- Cheesy flying vampires! DRINK!
-- Wow, that death was really... was she supposed to look like a broken robot? Distracting.
-- That was what all the big "OMG they're building an army" scenes were building up to? That was the epic wolf/vamp showdown? Eh.
-- I'm exactly right for you, Bella... okay, saying it once is one thing, but when you KEEP. HAMMERING. IT? Not only is it douchey, but it means the battle's long past over. Pity. I actually kind of liked Jacob in New Moon.
-- "So it's not just about me." "No." *SNORT* Yeah, it wasn't about Edward at all when she spent three months doing nothing but moping and trying to kill herself because he left her.
In short: Meh. I think it's very safe to say I do not, and will never, 'get' this series.
Now, I'm going to go cleanse my brain with the last four episodes of The Last Airbender. I've been savoring Book 3 because it's the last, and now the end is finally near. WOES. :(
ETA: Because THIS never gets old.
I barely made it through the first Twilight movie, but was mildly entertained by New Moon, so I tried to keep an open mind about this installment. Needless to say, my unforgiving snarky side took over quickly. While I didn't find the movie completely without merit... if you love the series and this movie, I'd highly advise skipping over the rest of this entry.
-- The SpeedyVampire effects in these movies will never stop being cheesy.
-- Does Kristen Stewart ever crack a smile in these movies? I think she did maybe once in New Moon. Pattinson's no better.
-- He sabotaged her truck just because he didn't like she was going to see Jacob? Guy did that to me, he'd be looking for someone else to spend eternity with. But of course Bella just offers a token display of anger and goes right back to status quo.
-- I just can't stand Edward. Period. I don't think it's a coincidence that he was absent for most of New Moon and so far that's been the least draggy installment of the series for me. I can't stand Bella much either, and certainly don't get why Edward and Jacob get into such pissing contests over her, but at least she showed some hints at a personality once she was around Jacob.
-- Bella's dad is officially the closest person this movie has to awesome. Guess it skipped Bella's generation.
-- Okay, the t-shirt quilt thing was kind of aww-worthy.
-- "I do trust you." Yeah, because nothing says trust like killing your girlfriend's truck so she doesn't visit the hot werewolf guy who's crushing on her. Oh, wait, he played the "it's him I don't trust" card.
-- Experiencing the same problem I had with the first Twilight movie, not being able to go more than five minutes or so without pausing it to get a snack or take a piss. This bodes well.
-- Wow, 20 whole minutes before a gratuitous shirtless wolfpack moment! DRINK!
-- Wow, someone in Forks who doesn't think the sun shines out Bella's ass. Point in Leah's favor.
-- Team Edward or Team Jacob? Right now they're both pretty much controlling jerks, so it doesn't really matter.
-- Ten minutes later, more wolfy abs. DRINK! Love the catcalls. *g*
-- "Doesn't he have a shirt?" HA. Okay, that was actually pretty good.
- Oh yeah, territory-marking is SO hot.
-- So there's some subplot about a vampire army in Seattle. Eh.
-- Ugh, more "I know what's best for you and you don't" crap from the boys in Bella's life. And God, WHY are they so eager to fight for this girl?
-- "I kissed Bella and she broke her hand punching me in the face. Total misunderstanding." Almost funny. Almost.
-- Wow. Someone finally presents a logical, coherent argument for Bella to at least slow down and consider what she's doing... and Bella again goes LALALA MY LOVE FOR EDWARD TRUMPS YOUR SILLY LOGIC.
-- Vampire army subplot still boring.
-- God, I'm not even an hour into this thing yet?
-- Kristen Stewart's wig should have its own place in the credits.
-- As usual, the peripherals have a more interesting story than the mains. IMO Alice and Jasper were sweeter in that one moment than Edward and Bella have been over the course of the entire series. Not that that really says much.
-- The shirt disappears again! DRINK!
-- God, the circular logic KILLS me. "Turn me." "No, I can't because you'll lose your soul." "Okay, do me." "No, I can't because it'll kill you." "Then turn me." "No." "Then do me." "No, not until we're married." What, a piece of paper's going to save you from ripping her throat out? If you plan on doing her, you have to turn her. Just dump her and stick to it this time, you selfish twat.
-- Least sexy makeout scene EVER.
-- That ring is HUGE. And not at all attractive.
-- Engaged. Gee, who saw THAT coming?
-- Great, back to the army crap. Guess at least it's a break from Edward and Bella.
-- Wolfpack abs again! If this were a real drinking game, I might be tanked enough to actually enjoy this movie by now.
-- The Pacific Northwest scenery is wasted on these movies.
-- "Let's face it, I AM hotter than you." Oh, such a bad line it's awesome, and apparently the audience agrees.
-- So Edward admits Jacob may be better for her, can give her the human life he wants for her. Knowing that this later translates into Edward offering Bella to Jacob to make pretty werewolf babies with because vamp babies would kill her? *squirms uncomfortably*
-- Heh. There's more spark between Edward and Jacob than Edward and Bella - again, not that that means much. You guys both admit your love for Bella is what gets in the way of you being closer? Just ditch her already, then. It'd be better for all three of you, since I clearly won't get my favored "ROCKS FALL, EVERYONE DIES" ending.
-- They can't be what, more than a hundred feet from her telepathic fiance and they're making out? That strikes me as slightly, erm, stupid. Then again, not exactly thinking with their heads here, of course.
-- I was under the impression she was more torn in the book between Jacob and Edward? Not so much here. *shrug* If they're not going to bother trying to make the triangle convincing, why make any pretense of one at all?
-- Cheesy flying vampires! DRINK!
-- Wow, that death was really... was she supposed to look like a broken robot? Distracting.
-- That was what all the big "OMG they're building an army" scenes were building up to? That was the epic wolf/vamp showdown? Eh.
-- I'm exactly right for you, Bella... okay, saying it once is one thing, but when you KEEP. HAMMERING. IT? Not only is it douchey, but it means the battle's long past over. Pity. I actually kind of liked Jacob in New Moon.
-- "So it's not just about me." "No." *SNORT* Yeah, it wasn't about Edward at all when she spent three months doing nothing but moping and trying to kill herself because he left her.
In short: Meh. I think it's very safe to say I do not, and will never, 'get' this series.
Now, I'm going to go cleanse my brain with the last four episodes of The Last Airbender. I've been savoring Book 3 because it's the last, and now the end is finally near. WOES. :(
ETA: Because THIS never gets old.