Grrr...I miss you cupcake!
Excellent time last night at my most dearest friend's surprise engagement party. Now I don't have to keep my mouth shut anymore! YAY! The next couple months are gonna go fast now.
It was a good break, and the getting ready for the wedding will be a good distraction, too. I've had my plans thrown into the wind, and now I'm having doubts and longings. I've been looking at houses for my Dad. We're kicking around the idea of finding something big enough for all of us, or with an attached apt for him. Then he could keep a condo where he is now and yet have a place to stay here closer to family whenever he wants. Maybe stay here a few months, there a few, however he wanted.
I like this idea. We'd see him more often and we'd be able to keep an eye on him. I worry a lot about him being alone now, he falls too often and he doesn't eat, he needs someone to just be there. Like he said, it's not a matter of being with someone 24 hrs a day, it's just knowing that someone else it there in the house somewhere. We're all very private people, we like our own space, but also like to sit down to dinner and maybe watch a movie or just chat. I would love to be able to start my days like I do when we're there. Get up, make coffee and spend an hour chatting with my Dad over coffee and laughing at the Stephanie Miller show. I like knowing that he eats when I cook. When we were there a couple weeks ago I make a turkey and before everyone else had even sat down he'd eaten his and was wanting more. He'll eat if someone's there to enjoy it with. He's so alone. 30 years of living with the love of your life and then losing them suddenly, he doesn't know how to be alone anymore.
So I found this house. And I have fallen in absolute LOVE with it. It's amazing. Everytime I look at the pictures of it or the ones I took when we went to see it I can see all of us there. I can see making meals in that kitchen while Rhi does her homework at the table and gets help from my Dad. I can see sitting out on the deck having coffee looking over the river. I can see having friends over to watch the fireworks that they shoot off cross the river in the park. The one end is an entire master suite that my Dad could have all to himself. Large bedroom and a den off that, one side both floor to ceiling glass doors looking over the river. A bathroom, 3 closets. All in it's own little wing. There's room for James to have a nice office and me a craft room/sewing studio with WINDOWS. A nice big room for Rhi again. There's a park next door for the dogs and enough room to fence off a bit of yard for them, too. There's windows everywhere, the side facing the river are all floor to ceiling, too. Room for a garden, a neat kind of boxed area in the kitchen for an small indoor one. And I have never seen so many closets and storage in my life, and all usefully done, no wasted space.
I love this house. I could see living there the rest of my life. I can see it very easily. But it's here. It's not in the cities, or closer to James' job. That was the plan. Let Rhi finish HS and then when she goes off to college, we move closer to the cities. Where our friends are. Where there's things to do. But then part of tells myself, it's also more expensive. We'd never find a place like this there for what this is going for. It's in town, yet the way it's situated it's like it's not, you can't even see it from the street. And it's really not that far to go down to the cities, we just did it last night. And if need be we have friends we can stay with there, too, anytime.
I need to do some hard thinking. If we did move down there, I'd have to quit my job. And while it pisses me off sometimes, I do love it. I'm starting to make some connections here, finding new friends that are supportive and finding my path again. I don't know if I want to leave that either, it's too hard to find. I've got my volunteer groups and while I know I could do the same thing in the cities, they're smaller groups here. The PRIDE group, we're really doing things and getting bigger every year, I want to grow with that. I want to be there when we are finally big enough to have our own parade here for the first time.
When I was dealing with all the back stabbing, manipulative BS all I could think of was moving away from here. But now, with the changes I've made, I think I could still be happy here. I've got things to look forward to again. I've got new friends and support growing with them. They're encouraging and want to do new things and try things and do more than sit in a bar or basement doing the same shit over and over.
But I want out of here, that hasn't changed. I hate renting. I hate having that feeling that someone else can walk in here anytime they want, that I have to ask to paint something or change something. Don't get me wrong, we have a great land lady and our side of the duplex is amazing for what we're paying! It's great. But it's not ours. And there's always someone else on the other side of the wall. And there's no yard for my Bou to run in. And I'm stuck in a basement again for a studio. Granted, it's bigger, but there's no light, I can't see shit and the stupid heating vent is right over my head - it's like sewing in a sauna. I want light, closets, AIR, windows to open.
I want that house. I want my Dad with it. I want to be able to spend his final years with him, and I can see that in this house. It's very "him", the design of it and the way it's laid out. None of this cookie cutter crap that looks like it rolled off a line somewhere.
So yeah, lots to think about. And in the meantime get him well enough to even just get up here and look at it, too.
It was a good break, and the getting ready for the wedding will be a good distraction, too. I've had my plans thrown into the wind, and now I'm having doubts and longings. I've been looking at houses for my Dad. We're kicking around the idea of finding something big enough for all of us, or with an attached apt for him. Then he could keep a condo where he is now and yet have a place to stay here closer to family whenever he wants. Maybe stay here a few months, there a few, however he wanted.
I like this idea. We'd see him more often and we'd be able to keep an eye on him. I worry a lot about him being alone now, he falls too often and he doesn't eat, he needs someone to just be there. Like he said, it's not a matter of being with someone 24 hrs a day, it's just knowing that someone else it there in the house somewhere. We're all very private people, we like our own space, but also like to sit down to dinner and maybe watch a movie or just chat. I would love to be able to start my days like I do when we're there. Get up, make coffee and spend an hour chatting with my Dad over coffee and laughing at the Stephanie Miller show. I like knowing that he eats when I cook. When we were there a couple weeks ago I make a turkey and before everyone else had even sat down he'd eaten his and was wanting more. He'll eat if someone's there to enjoy it with. He's so alone. 30 years of living with the love of your life and then losing them suddenly, he doesn't know how to be alone anymore.
So I found this house. And I have fallen in absolute LOVE with it. It's amazing. Everytime I look at the pictures of it or the ones I took when we went to see it I can see all of us there. I can see making meals in that kitchen while Rhi does her homework at the table and gets help from my Dad. I can see sitting out on the deck having coffee looking over the river. I can see having friends over to watch the fireworks that they shoot off cross the river in the park. The one end is an entire master suite that my Dad could have all to himself. Large bedroom and a den off that, one side both floor to ceiling glass doors looking over the river. A bathroom, 3 closets. All in it's own little wing. There's room for James to have a nice office and me a craft room/sewing studio with WINDOWS. A nice big room for Rhi again. There's a park next door for the dogs and enough room to fence off a bit of yard for them, too. There's windows everywhere, the side facing the river are all floor to ceiling, too. Room for a garden, a neat kind of boxed area in the kitchen for an small indoor one. And I have never seen so many closets and storage in my life, and all usefully done, no wasted space.
I love this house. I could see living there the rest of my life. I can see it very easily. But it's here. It's not in the cities, or closer to James' job. That was the plan. Let Rhi finish HS and then when she goes off to college, we move closer to the cities. Where our friends are. Where there's things to do. But then part of tells myself, it's also more expensive. We'd never find a place like this there for what this is going for. It's in town, yet the way it's situated it's like it's not, you can't even see it from the street. And it's really not that far to go down to the cities, we just did it last night. And if need be we have friends we can stay with there, too, anytime.
I need to do some hard thinking. If we did move down there, I'd have to quit my job. And while it pisses me off sometimes, I do love it. I'm starting to make some connections here, finding new friends that are supportive and finding my path again. I don't know if I want to leave that either, it's too hard to find. I've got my volunteer groups and while I know I could do the same thing in the cities, they're smaller groups here. The PRIDE group, we're really doing things and getting bigger every year, I want to grow with that. I want to be there when we are finally big enough to have our own parade here for the first time.
When I was dealing with all the back stabbing, manipulative BS all I could think of was moving away from here. But now, with the changes I've made, I think I could still be happy here. I've got things to look forward to again. I've got new friends and support growing with them. They're encouraging and want to do new things and try things and do more than sit in a bar or basement doing the same shit over and over.
But I want out of here, that hasn't changed. I hate renting. I hate having that feeling that someone else can walk in here anytime they want, that I have to ask to paint something or change something. Don't get me wrong, we have a great land lady and our side of the duplex is amazing for what we're paying! It's great. But it's not ours. And there's always someone else on the other side of the wall. And there's no yard for my Bou to run in. And I'm stuck in a basement again for a studio. Granted, it's bigger, but there's no light, I can't see shit and the stupid heating vent is right over my head - it's like sewing in a sauna. I want light, closets, AIR, windows to open.
I want that house. I want my Dad with it. I want to be able to spend his final years with him, and I can see that in this house. It's very "him", the design of it and the way it's laid out. None of this cookie cutter crap that looks like it rolled off a line somewhere.
So yeah, lots to think about. And in the meantime get him well enough to even just get up here and look at it, too.