burnout
I suppose it's late, and I am in desperate need of a good sleep, but I was thinking today about how school starts on Wednesday. That is, of course, assuming I can pay my tuition through last-second student loans, federal money, or some other miracle.
On CCU's website, there are tons of articles about Welcome Week, orientations, and activities for all new and returning students. Usually, I get really excited about school starting. It always feels fresh and new and I get optimistic about which classes I will be taking.
That isn't happening this time around.
I'm...I'm worn out. There is no other way to describe it. I'm tired of school. What's worse(?) is that I don't think that it is my depression returning. Rather, I'm just tired. I don't know how much right I have to say this, but I feel like I've just been beaten down so many times by so many things for so long.
I have angels for both friends and family, who have helped me out of some really tough and scary situations, but...I'm tired of that, too. I'm tired of being rescued and I'm tired of having to go through situations where the rescue is needed at all.
For as long as I can remember, I've tried to have the "if you fall, get back up again" attitude. Things will always work out. Things will turn out the way they are supposed to. Every since I was little, I've looked forward to my education and my career and my life.
I just don't have that anymore. As I told Jenn, I feel like I've gone into 'survivalist' mode, where I'm not depressed, but I'm also not energetic nor optimistic. I'm starting to feel numb to everything. Everything now is just a matter of going through the motions and just accepting my usual run of luck.
....and I just found a note on my front door telling me that I have a balance due on my rental agreement. In the scheme of things, it's really not that much money, but it's money I don't have to spare. (Is it unhealthy when you start thinking that $20 is too much to spend for five days' worth of groceries?)
I guess, you just get beat down so many times that after a while, you just stay down.
On CCU's website, there are tons of articles about Welcome Week, orientations, and activities for all new and returning students. Usually, I get really excited about school starting. It always feels fresh and new and I get optimistic about which classes I will be taking.
That isn't happening this time around.
I'm...I'm worn out. There is no other way to describe it. I'm tired of school. What's worse(?) is that I don't think that it is my depression returning. Rather, I'm just tired. I don't know how much right I have to say this, but I feel like I've just been beaten down so many times by so many things for so long.
I have angels for both friends and family, who have helped me out of some really tough and scary situations, but...I'm tired of that, too. I'm tired of being rescued and I'm tired of having to go through situations where the rescue is needed at all.
For as long as I can remember, I've tried to have the "if you fall, get back up again" attitude. Things will always work out. Things will turn out the way they are supposed to. Every since I was little, I've looked forward to my education and my career and my life.
I just don't have that anymore. As I told Jenn, I feel like I've gone into 'survivalist' mode, where I'm not depressed, but I'm also not energetic nor optimistic. I'm starting to feel numb to everything. Everything now is just a matter of going through the motions and just accepting my usual run of luck.
....and I just found a note on my front door telling me that I have a balance due on my rental agreement. In the scheme of things, it's really not that much money, but it's money I don't have to spare. (Is it unhealthy when you start thinking that $20 is too much to spend for five days' worth of groceries?)
I guess, you just get beat down so many times that after a while, you just stay down.