No Subject
Had a dream that asshole called me up and started acting like nothing had happened at all. I tried at first to act like I didn't recognise his voice. But then told him quite plainly that he had made me feel like nothing at all. That my suspicions were right. He just needed a place to stay & had no intentions of keeping better contact or "be a better friend" promise. He kept repeating "I'm sorry" and making crying noises. I told him my America trip was so good for me and his "visit" was not. Visiting Armie made me feel so much more valued/confident & believe in friendships (thought now I feel like everyone thinks I'm messed-up and I'm just bothering people). And his using me soiled a lot of that. I then asked him what he wanted by calling. I brushed aside "I wanted to call a friend" crap and asked again. He was in the area again. So I sarcastically went-off on "of course that's why, you needed a place to stay". That I wasn't a big idiot now. I told him quite plainly that if he had wantes to apologise he would have done something meaningful instead of calling to get something. He hung-up.
I think this dream was my brain giving me closure on it. And to remind me that I'm not as gullible as I was then (actually have have less belief than I should have). I don't usually think of Trevor Cardinell now though. It's been like 7 years since I've had any contact (he removed me from Facebook about 2 years ago even). He never intended to keep contact. I didn't expect much anyway after I only had sporadic contact the first bit of 2009 and nothing at all after. I figured the friendship was over by the end of it after he made a new LiveJournal account & a Twitter without adding me to either. And having been used helped me just be all "fuck it".
I had a dream about him awhile ago too. I dreamt he was posting a lot of awful things on me onto his blog. On waking I told myself that he would have no reason to, especially since he hasn't used his blog in a long time either. But after my stalker's attacks & unwanted contact I am very leery about things like this. So after a day of not being able to shake the dream I went to his blog to confirm to myself that there would be nothing there new about me. And there wasn't. But there also wasn't any mention of me where there used to be either. Sometime since 2009 when I last viewed it he had edited his 'trip to Nova Scotia' entry to remove all mention of me. Like it still has the things he did here, and the daytrips we took, but I was not mentioned at all now (not even since I organised a lot of it). Other people were still, like his sister, but there isn't even a "my friend in Nova Scotia". It didn't exactly hurt or what-not but it didn't help how I feel so worthless/pointless/nothing I ever do has any lasting meaning/if I stopped existing everyone would go on completely fine.
I think this dream was my brain giving me closure on it. And to remind me that I'm not as gullible as I was then (actually have have less belief than I should have). I don't usually think of Trevor Cardinell now though. It's been like 7 years since I've had any contact (he removed me from Facebook about 2 years ago even). He never intended to keep contact. I didn't expect much anyway after I only had sporadic contact the first bit of 2009 and nothing at all after. I figured the friendship was over by the end of it after he made a new LiveJournal account & a Twitter without adding me to either. And having been used helped me just be all "fuck it".
I had a dream about him awhile ago too. I dreamt he was posting a lot of awful things on me onto his blog. On waking I told myself that he would have no reason to, especially since he hasn't used his blog in a long time either. But after my stalker's attacks & unwanted contact I am very leery about things like this. So after a day of not being able to shake the dream I went to his blog to confirm to myself that there would be nothing there new about me. And there wasn't. But there also wasn't any mention of me where there used to be either. Sometime since 2009 when I last viewed it he had edited his 'trip to Nova Scotia' entry to remove all mention of me. Like it still has the things he did here, and the daytrips we took, but I was not mentioned at all now (not even since I organised a lot of it). Other people were still, like his sister, but there isn't even a "my friend in Nova Scotia". It didn't exactly hurt or what-not but it didn't help how I feel so worthless/pointless/nothing I ever do has any lasting meaning/if I stopped existing everyone would go on completely fine.