No Subject
I haven't been posting because there doesn't seem to be much point. I'll load up the update page and then feel like it doesn't matter. I haven't updated about replaying "The Legend of Zelda Oracle of Seasons" beyond those 2 Subrosian quotes. I started listening to "Welcome To Night Vale" [oh gawh, Cecil rambling about Carlos. And fugitive Hiram McDaniels(sp?). The Dog Park.] I didn't post about the crap Mothers' Day weekend. My garden/yard work. I did add more on my VLR entry. I haven't posted anymore about how much nonexistence hurts. And no more on my health recently [will say that my emergency inhaler tastes awful/makes me gag (I've been taking it more due to the season/air & Singular no longer being covered by my insurance). My jaw problem is effecting my ears now. And my previous urine tests have shown blood without infection, so waiting to see a specialist]. And my 25TH birthday is next Friday (June 21ST). But I feel so pointless.
When I deactivated my Twitter last it was to show that Blocking makes me feel like shit & to try to get people to not do it. I reactivated and since I was scared of it, they pounced on the Blocking. Either because it would hurt me and/or because I existed. I reactivated my Facebook for an hour to export my pictures to Photobucket, so I'd never have to go on there again. I checked that someone was still in my Friends when first activated, and I hadn't even been reactivated for 40 minutes before that got pounced to remove me. Like, fuck, I feel so hated. Like I am so disposable, and like my existence is a problem to some people. There used to be the kinda hope, like 'so-and-so hasn't removed me on such account, so maybe they don't hate me?' but fuck. There was the 'why do I have to be Blocked & removed everywhere' feeling of horror, an endless hole in my chest of 'why don't I matter?'. I wonder if it's enjoyable. And I'm scared to check anything. The eradication even feels malicious. And "I wish I could have done more" & "buddy-buddy" really upset me, because I pretty much got abandoned. All the IMs I sent, the text-messages (that asking by tweet I got confirmed they were being received) before people changed their numbers with new cellular-telephones (they didn't give the new numbers to me, and I was too scared to ask), the energy/trust & money (which took me almost a year to save-up) I spent just to hang-out (And made to feel like they were trying to leave without me knowing), the ignored cards (and the worry that they'd either been received & ignored, or got lost in the postal mail), all the stuff I tagged on Facebook with, my birthday. It being awful that I wasn't on Twitter, and then when I went back still being ignored, like people would rather stop Following me than give me any time of day. And then having someone yell at me for saying I was lonely & didn't trust. Expecting me to talk to a councillor when I couldn't even trust the people who I thought were my friends. I shouldn't be made to feel terrified to say "I feel ignored & it's really hurting me. I want you to keep your promises.", but that lead to me getting yelled at, have someone go around Blocking/removing/filtering/deleting, and belittle me. Why go talk to someone when I have no support? When I can look around and have so many things where I'm shown I'm utterly worthless. When I have no trust. Would it make anything better?
It's not going to change anything, and no matter anything nothing stops. I just don't have the worth. Fuck, nowhere feels safe at all. It feels like-as bad as it may sound-that hardly anyone cares if I'm even alive or dead, and that maybe some would even celebrate again like when I left. Everything hurts, and I often feel like I am drowning. Like it all crushes in/down and I can't breath.
I am not even there when I talk to people that still talk to me (which I do to those that don't ignore me). It always feels so transient. Like 'they'll be done with me' or 'what I'm saying doesn't really matter' (I asked someone what I did that mattered, and pretty much everything could be done by someone else, and probably better. Someone less scared, lonely, untrusting, and that their friends wouldn't hate). I don't expect anyone to think of me. Or a fear they are just talking out of obligation/guilt/pity. And even the people I do think care, and consider friends, I feel like I'm a bother to. So I've been shit at contact. And then guilt & anxiety makes me even more shit at it.
I'm pretty much surviving by hopping from distraction to distraction. But I often feel alone, exhausted, & pointless. And when I do extend or get amped-up things often go so pear-shaped. I should stress again that it isn't just with online, it's with everything. There is no 'sanctuary'. I have nowheres to stay overnight, & I get terrified everywheres online. I don't know how to keep dealing--So more distractions.
When I deactivated my Twitter last it was to show that Blocking makes me feel like shit & to try to get people to not do it. I reactivated and since I was scared of it, they pounced on the Blocking. Either because it would hurt me and/or because I existed. I reactivated my Facebook for an hour to export my pictures to Photobucket, so I'd never have to go on there again. I checked that someone was still in my Friends when first activated, and I hadn't even been reactivated for 40 minutes before that got pounced to remove me. Like, fuck, I feel so hated. Like I am so disposable, and like my existence is a problem to some people. There used to be the kinda hope, like 'so-and-so hasn't removed me on such account, so maybe they don't hate me?' but fuck. There was the 'why do I have to be Blocked & removed everywhere' feeling of horror, an endless hole in my chest of 'why don't I matter?'. I wonder if it's enjoyable. And I'm scared to check anything. The eradication even feels malicious. And "I wish I could have done more" & "buddy-buddy" really upset me, because I pretty much got abandoned. All the IMs I sent, the text-messages (that asking by tweet I got confirmed they were being received) before people changed their numbers with new cellular-telephones (they didn't give the new numbers to me, and I was too scared to ask), the energy/trust & money (which took me almost a year to save-up) I spent just to hang-out (And made to feel like they were trying to leave without me knowing), the ignored cards (and the worry that they'd either been received & ignored, or got lost in the postal mail), all the stuff I tagged on Facebook with, my birthday. It being awful that I wasn't on Twitter, and then when I went back still being ignored, like people would rather stop Following me than give me any time of day. And then having someone yell at me for saying I was lonely & didn't trust. Expecting me to talk to a councillor when I couldn't even trust the people who I thought were my friends. I shouldn't be made to feel terrified to say "I feel ignored & it's really hurting me. I want you to keep your promises.", but that lead to me getting yelled at, have someone go around Blocking/removing/filtering/deleting, and belittle me. Why go talk to someone when I have no support? When I can look around and have so many things where I'm shown I'm utterly worthless. When I have no trust. Would it make anything better?
It's not going to change anything, and no matter anything nothing stops. I just don't have the worth. Fuck, nowhere feels safe at all. It feels like-as bad as it may sound-that hardly anyone cares if I'm even alive or dead, and that maybe some would even celebrate again like when I left. Everything hurts, and I often feel like I am drowning. Like it all crushes in/down and I can't breath.
I am not even there when I talk to people that still talk to me (which I do to those that don't ignore me). It always feels so transient. Like 'they'll be done with me' or 'what I'm saying doesn't really matter' (I asked someone what I did that mattered, and pretty much everything could be done by someone else, and probably better. Someone less scared, lonely, untrusting, and that their friends wouldn't hate). I don't expect anyone to think of me. Or a fear they are just talking out of obligation/guilt/pity. And even the people I do think care, and consider friends, I feel like I'm a bother to. So I've been shit at contact. And then guilt & anxiety makes me even more shit at it.
I'm pretty much surviving by hopping from distraction to distraction. But I often feel alone, exhausted, & pointless. And when I do extend or get amped-up things often go so pear-shaped. I should stress again that it isn't just with online, it's with everything. There is no 'sanctuary'. I have nowheres to stay overnight, & I get terrified everywheres online. I don't know how to keep dealing--So more distractions.