August 30TH, 2012
Well an attempt at another entry after the one I tried before this ended-up different than I planned.
Well the past two weeks have been urgh to the point that I am so damn run-down. Things actually seemed a bit alright after going to the AVEX, and eating good food and just getting out of the house. I started talking again to someone who I thought had dropped me, after finally admitting I was scared to talk after weeks of not talking along with my birthday going by. I even tried coming back to Twitter a bit since I was feeling a bit relieved/things might not be good but at least they were stable. But pretty much after things just fell.
-----
I got railed at on Twitter, I didn't want to make the mistake of replying in a panic again (my panicked try at 'I am upset you can read my protected entries when you have me removed/Blocked. I can't see any of your things. And it hurts that I am systematically Blocked still.' got me re-removed). Well that calm response got put off as I got sick (and a high fever really hinders thinking). But I didn't get to wait as said person decided to remove me from one of their LJs [It feels like they did it to be cruel. There really is no reason to remove me from RP accounts since I'm not bothering anyone there, and there is no place for Lorel even if I was wanted back. And knowing how removals/Blocks/filters make me feel, and after my begging on it, it feels like it was just done to remind me of my disposability :/ (I don't know what the person meant who Followed me back again, and then Blocked me right after. Was it a mistake, or was it to draw attention to it for maximum effect? I don't know any more. But I'm Blocked so I can say nothing even if I had the courage.)]. I replied in a panic and tried to explain how I feel, why I left Twitter, & that I need proof instead of pacifying words.
But no-one gets broken trust. Or that I'm not going to believe a person wants to talk to me when they ignore my txts or IMs for weeks. Or that I'm not going to feel they love & want anything to do with me if they remove me. I eventually just left Twitter because I didn't feel wanted on it, or really that I was even wanted to exist. Which is exactly what I stated, I never said that I didn't want to talk to anyone, or anything like that. I left because I felt so damn alone. I just wanted to feel that things would be alright. I just wanted contact from people. I wanted to feel that things I had done and the relationship that I had with people meant something. I wanted proof of things, something to hold onto and believe in.
It feels like words just dissipate once they leave my mouth or hands. That sound happens, but is just into air. None of my fears or feelings seem to mean anything. Nothing I have ever done mattered.
-----
I don't know if I'd be so numb if I wasn't sick, or if I'm too beaten-down anyway. But maybe being sick is a bit of a blessing right now.
I had an odd cough after the AVEX that I at first took as caused by said AVEX (so many things I'm allergic to). It feels wet, but is not productive (no phlegm), and isn't like my asthma or allergies. But it got worst, and more and more persistent, and I developed a fever & other symptoms. So I went to outpatients (I couldn't have got an appointment with my doctor for at least a week), and was told it's a virus. They gave me another inhaler to take so that all the coughing doesn't trigger a bad asthma attack, and told me that there is something going around, but if the cough got worse to come back & they'd check for pneumonia. The cough is worse (it hurts to breath), and I've not gotten better, but getting a drive up to it has been arduous.
-----
So to try as a last ditch thing to distract myself, I decided to try a restart of "Vampire: The Masquerade -- Bloodlines".
I had a hard time getting it to work, and I got a stop driver BSoD during install. It wasn't saving screenshots on the first install (screenshots are one of the funnest parts!), so I uninstalled/reinstalled and that night it worked fine. I got up until getting the morphine, and after the game froze when I got to meeting Vandal I decided to go to bed. The next day I couldn't get it to stop opening in windowed mode, and even forcing "-fullscreen" didn't cause it to fill the screen. So I tried to to reinstall again, and after several BSoDs got it to finish. But it kept saying the game was already patched despite regedit claiming the version wasn't 1.2 so I tried system restoring. None of my restores would complete, so I have decided to reformat.
Reformatting has been something I've debated for awhile since I've increasingly been getting vague driver errors, and my Shaglehod often won't recognise if external drives are attached to it and has given me cryptic "The path is too deep" & such errors. I really want to play Bloodlines, System Restore failing, and the constant failure to recognise my main external Sebastian is just the decider.
Normally the whole back-up process would have me upset & nervous, but I just don't care right now. I dread getting my wireless adaptor to work again though, but copying 70GBs of stuff is meh (except for going through saddening old files). I don't even know if I'll reinstall some things either. I haven't signed into IM programs in ages (the 'Invited to chat' & the amount of screen-names just being e-mail addresses now is heartbreaking), and though I'd love to talk to malruxia again, and play UNO with Douchette, I just don't have the capacity for such programs. And I have a few timed tweets I should probably delete in TweetDeck, but I doubt I'll even be about online when they are scheduled for, and I'm not really using TweetDeck especially now that I did that Olympic stuff. So yeah after this week, any from TweetDeck tweets from me were set-up in March.
I do know that Bloodlines will be one of the early things I do install though. But if it doesn't help; well I probably won't be around much as I have said before.
I can't take the filtering, removals, Blocks, ignoring or any of it. I can't take being so scared to even contact people (to even say 'hey' to people). Leaving people be seems to be the wrong thing; being sociable seems to be the wrong thing. I get told to go back to Twitter, so I tweet things & let things go to it, and yet I get hardly any replies. People would rather unFollow me than respond to anything. I can't take any more broken promises. I can't take words that feel pacifying and never are backed-up by any proof. I can't take feeling so alone. I can't take that everything I have every done never mattered. I don't know what people want me to do. I don't know what they expect me to say.
I just can't handle things anymore.
-----
And I really don't think most of the people understand that things just aren't crap online. Online feels the worst because it is my sanctuary, and one of my main places where I have confidence & worth. But there is a lot of family crap (most of which I have mentioned before) and such as well.
Firstly I mentioned about Uncle Bill's death last year, and how I only found-out by reading his obituary. Well my Great-Aunt Isabel died and again I only found-out from reading the newspaper. I was actually closer to her than Bill as almost every Sunday we'd go to her place for dinner when I was little. So this time I decided to try to be the better person and sent my Aunt & Uncle a sympathy card. I received it back with 'Return To Sender' on it.
---
Tuesday was my middle adoptive sister's birthday. I bought her a present months ago, but I still have not decided whether I will give it to her or not. She has been even more terrible the past few months, and has enjoyed almost daily reminding me that I only live where I do because 'my mother didn't want me'. Which I am quite aware of and have accepted. I also know that this place is not my home, but since I've never really had one (besides from when Mom & I first moved into her house) I really am not bothered by it. But it is the fact that she finds enjoyment in reminding me that bothers me. She also enjoys getting me upset by saying I 'deserved what happened in Grande Prairie', and that my mother's now ex' (the one who gave her the choice of him or me staying) was 'right' (he often told me to 'apologise to my mother for ruining her life'). She also likes to bring-up when Trevor stayed here and how he pretty much just used us (staying here over a month with a friend, making promises, and then dropping contact when he left). But I would still give her something to try to be a better person, if she hadn't done as she did on my own birthday. So I am really debating if I should give her something after she woke me up yelling on it, and made her mother cry (telling her she should just die among other things)--something she refuses to apologise for.
---
My education fund is still 'missing', and right now I'm waiting for what that family friend can work-out for a plan to see about getting it back. I did all I could to prove my identity, (excluding a blood test, fingerprints, and paying at least $500 ($50 a page) for not fully complete medical records from when I was in Alberta) and I still am not being given access to it. This money is really my only way that I will be able to go back to school besides getting saddled with debt with another Student Loan. I was counting on it being safe and there for me. I haven't really looked around at things (but I am interested in Acadia), because my finances aren't very good besides, but my plan it to try to finish my Western Histories minor as well as take adult eduction classes for help on writing essays. But right now I don't feel I am seen as a person, and that my education is less important than taking-off with the money my late-grandfather left me.
---
Also my Sea Monkeys are starting to die. My 3 large males (including Julius), and a female have been floundering around the bottom of the tank. I moved them to another glass with some of the tank water as suggested by Sea Monkey Worship, but when I checked on them the next day Julius kept following me around the side so I decided isolating them was cruel if they were going to die anyway. I actually think he was asking me to move them back. I've been too worried/dreadful to check on them yet today, but I will before I go to bed (it's also a feeding day). I need to get the tank set-up soon as well as it is getting colder and I don't want to lose all that are left.
But there is some good news in that I have a very pregnant female, a few other adults, and lots of younger Sea Monkeys swimming around. I thoroughly plan to have them & care for them for the foreseeable future, so I really, really want them to keep doing well.
-----
But I want a lot of things. I want to feel like a person, I want to have promises kept, I want to be able to not be so scared & trust, I really want a hug, I want adventures to look forward to, I want my family to care, I want to be able to eat Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners, I want to be remembered on my birthday, I want my education money back, I want to get my knee sorted, I want to see about my jaw, I want good contact from people, I want people to not ignore me on Twitter & online, I want to feel like I am not just talking to air, I just want people to sillily respond to tweets, I want to be unfiltered, unBlocked, and added back, I want to just have the friends that I thought I had, I want things I have been involved in doing to exist, I want those things to have mentions, I want to not be terrified that things will be deleted, I want to send & receive stuff in the mail with more than just one person again, I want my RAZR to be more than just a fancy clock again, I want to have silly & random conversations with people again, I want to be able to say 'Hippo Burpdae' to people without fear they'll remove me, I want to feel like I am wanted to exist, I want to feel that there is a point to it.
And so I am pathetic.
-----
Anyway I'll stop rambling now. I need to work on my back-up, have a bath, & make sure my tank works anyway. And try to get to bed early & get sleep if I can breath. Maybe it will help me feel less run-down? I'm hoping to get a drive to outpatients as well. Tomorrow night will probably be devoted to the big install -____-
Well the past two weeks have been urgh to the point that I am so damn run-down. Things actually seemed a bit alright after going to the AVEX, and eating good food and just getting out of the house. I started talking again to someone who I thought had dropped me, after finally admitting I was scared to talk after weeks of not talking along with my birthday going by. I even tried coming back to Twitter a bit since I was feeling a bit relieved/things might not be good but at least they were stable. But pretty much after things just fell.
-----
I got railed at on Twitter, I didn't want to make the mistake of replying in a panic again (my panicked try at 'I am upset you can read my protected entries when you have me removed/Blocked. I can't see any of your things. And it hurts that I am systematically Blocked still.' got me re-removed). Well that calm response got put off as I got sick (and a high fever really hinders thinking). But I didn't get to wait as said person decided to remove me from one of their LJs [It feels like they did it to be cruel. There really is no reason to remove me from RP accounts since I'm not bothering anyone there, and there is no place for Lorel even if I was wanted back. And knowing how removals/Blocks/filters make me feel, and after my begging on it, it feels like it was just done to remind me of my disposability :/ (I don't know what the person meant who Followed me back again, and then Blocked me right after. Was it a mistake, or was it to draw attention to it for maximum effect? I don't know any more. But I'm Blocked so I can say nothing even if I had the courage.)]. I replied in a panic and tried to explain how I feel, why I left Twitter, & that I need proof instead of pacifying words.
But no-one gets broken trust. Or that I'm not going to believe a person wants to talk to me when they ignore my txts or IMs for weeks. Or that I'm not going to feel they love & want anything to do with me if they remove me. I eventually just left Twitter because I didn't feel wanted on it, or really that I was even wanted to exist. Which is exactly what I stated, I never said that I didn't want to talk to anyone, or anything like that. I left because I felt so damn alone. I just wanted to feel that things would be alright. I just wanted contact from people. I wanted to feel that things I had done and the relationship that I had with people meant something. I wanted proof of things, something to hold onto and believe in.
It feels like words just dissipate once they leave my mouth or hands. That sound happens, but is just into air. None of my fears or feelings seem to mean anything. Nothing I have ever done mattered.
-----
I don't know if I'd be so numb if I wasn't sick, or if I'm too beaten-down anyway. But maybe being sick is a bit of a blessing right now.
I had an odd cough after the AVEX that I at first took as caused by said AVEX (so many things I'm allergic to). It feels wet, but is not productive (no phlegm), and isn't like my asthma or allergies. But it got worst, and more and more persistent, and I developed a fever & other symptoms. So I went to outpatients (I couldn't have got an appointment with my doctor for at least a week), and was told it's a virus. They gave me another inhaler to take so that all the coughing doesn't trigger a bad asthma attack, and told me that there is something going around, but if the cough got worse to come back & they'd check for pneumonia. The cough is worse (it hurts to breath), and I've not gotten better, but getting a drive up to it has been arduous.
-----
So to try as a last ditch thing to distract myself, I decided to try a restart of "Vampire: The Masquerade -- Bloodlines".
I had a hard time getting it to work, and I got a stop driver BSoD during install. It wasn't saving screenshots on the first install (screenshots are one of the funnest parts!), so I uninstalled/reinstalled and that night it worked fine. I got up until getting the morphine, and after the game froze when I got to meeting Vandal I decided to go to bed. The next day I couldn't get it to stop opening in windowed mode, and even forcing "-fullscreen" didn't cause it to fill the screen. So I tried to to reinstall again, and after several BSoDs got it to finish. But it kept saying the game was already patched despite regedit claiming the version wasn't 1.2 so I tried system restoring. None of my restores would complete, so I have decided to reformat.
Reformatting has been something I've debated for awhile since I've increasingly been getting vague driver errors, and my Shaglehod often won't recognise if external drives are attached to it and has given me cryptic "The path is too deep" & such errors. I really want to play Bloodlines, System Restore failing, and the constant failure to recognise my main external Sebastian is just the decider.
Normally the whole back-up process would have me upset & nervous, but I just don't care right now. I dread getting my wireless adaptor to work again though, but copying 70GBs of stuff is meh (except for going through saddening old files). I don't even know if I'll reinstall some things either. I haven't signed into IM programs in ages (the 'Invited to chat' & the amount of screen-names just being e-mail addresses now is heartbreaking), and though I'd love to talk to malruxia again, and play UNO with Douchette, I just don't have the capacity for such programs. And I have a few timed tweets I should probably delete in TweetDeck, but I doubt I'll even be about online when they are scheduled for, and I'm not really using TweetDeck especially now that I did that Olympic stuff. So yeah after this week, any from TweetDeck tweets from me were set-up in March.
I do know that Bloodlines will be one of the early things I do install though. But if it doesn't help; well I probably won't be around much as I have said before.
I can't take the filtering, removals, Blocks, ignoring or any of it. I can't take being so scared to even contact people (to even say 'hey' to people). Leaving people be seems to be the wrong thing; being sociable seems to be the wrong thing. I get told to go back to Twitter, so I tweet things & let things go to it, and yet I get hardly any replies. People would rather unFollow me than respond to anything. I can't take any more broken promises. I can't take words that feel pacifying and never are backed-up by any proof. I can't take feeling so alone. I can't take that everything I have every done never mattered. I don't know what people want me to do. I don't know what they expect me to say.
I just can't handle things anymore.
-----
And I really don't think most of the people understand that things just aren't crap online. Online feels the worst because it is my sanctuary, and one of my main places where I have confidence & worth. But there is a lot of family crap (most of which I have mentioned before) and such as well.
Firstly I mentioned about Uncle Bill's death last year, and how I only found-out by reading his obituary. Well my Great-Aunt Isabel died and again I only found-out from reading the newspaper. I was actually closer to her than Bill as almost every Sunday we'd go to her place for dinner when I was little. So this time I decided to try to be the better person and sent my Aunt & Uncle a sympathy card. I received it back with 'Return To Sender' on it.
---
Tuesday was my middle adoptive sister's birthday. I bought her a present months ago, but I still have not decided whether I will give it to her or not. She has been even more terrible the past few months, and has enjoyed almost daily reminding me that I only live where I do because 'my mother didn't want me'. Which I am quite aware of and have accepted. I also know that this place is not my home, but since I've never really had one (besides from when Mom & I first moved into her house) I really am not bothered by it. But it is the fact that she finds enjoyment in reminding me that bothers me. She also enjoys getting me upset by saying I 'deserved what happened in Grande Prairie', and that my mother's now ex' (the one who gave her the choice of him or me staying) was 'right' (he often told me to 'apologise to my mother for ruining her life'). She also likes to bring-up when Trevor stayed here and how he pretty much just used us (staying here over a month with a friend, making promises, and then dropping contact when he left). But I would still give her something to try to be a better person, if she hadn't done as she did on my own birthday. So I am really debating if I should give her something after she woke me up yelling on it, and made her mother cry (telling her she should just die among other things)--something she refuses to apologise for.
---
My education fund is still 'missing', and right now I'm waiting for what that family friend can work-out for a plan to see about getting it back. I did all I could to prove my identity, (excluding a blood test, fingerprints, and paying at least $500 ($50 a page) for not fully complete medical records from when I was in Alberta) and I still am not being given access to it. This money is really my only way that I will be able to go back to school besides getting saddled with debt with another Student Loan. I was counting on it being safe and there for me. I haven't really looked around at things (but I am interested in Acadia), because my finances aren't very good besides, but my plan it to try to finish my Western Histories minor as well as take adult eduction classes for help on writing essays. But right now I don't feel I am seen as a person, and that my education is less important than taking-off with the money my late-grandfather left me.
---
Also my Sea Monkeys are starting to die. My 3 large males (including Julius), and a female have been floundering around the bottom of the tank. I moved them to another glass with some of the tank water as suggested by Sea Monkey Worship, but when I checked on them the next day Julius kept following me around the side so I decided isolating them was cruel if they were going to die anyway. I actually think he was asking me to move them back. I've been too worried/dreadful to check on them yet today, but I will before I go to bed (it's also a feeding day). I need to get the tank set-up soon as well as it is getting colder and I don't want to lose all that are left.
But there is some good news in that I have a very pregnant female, a few other adults, and lots of younger Sea Monkeys swimming around. I thoroughly plan to have them & care for them for the foreseeable future, so I really, really want them to keep doing well.
-----
But I want a lot of things. I want to feel like a person, I want to have promises kept, I want to be able to not be so scared & trust, I really want a hug, I want adventures to look forward to, I want my family to care, I want to be able to eat Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners, I want to be remembered on my birthday, I want my education money back, I want to get my knee sorted, I want to see about my jaw, I want good contact from people, I want people to not ignore me on Twitter & online, I want to feel like I am not just talking to air, I just want people to sillily respond to tweets, I want to be unfiltered, unBlocked, and added back, I want to just have the friends that I thought I had, I want things I have been involved in doing to exist, I want those things to have mentions, I want to not be terrified that things will be deleted, I want to send & receive stuff in the mail with more than just one person again, I want my RAZR to be more than just a fancy clock again, I want to have silly & random conversations with people again, I want to be able to say 'Hippo Burpdae' to people without fear they'll remove me, I want to feel like I am wanted to exist, I want to feel that there is a point to it.
And so I am pathetic.
-----
Anyway I'll stop rambling now. I need to work on my back-up, have a bath, & make sure my tank works anyway. And try to get to bed early & get sleep if I can breath. Maybe it will help me feel less run-down? I'm hoping to get a drive to outpatients as well. Tomorrow night will probably be devoted to the big install -____-