An epiphany which will hopefully be THE ONE.
I just realized tonight that I spend a minute more thinking about how to get people to like me, I would regret it at the end of my life. I've spent too much time thinking there is something gravely wrong with me and I've always hated it... I hate how I think sometimes that people can be really superficial or even stupid but continue to strategize about how to win them over. It defies logic. It does not make the slightest bit of sense.
The truth is that personal magnetism stems from confidence. I sometimes feel I have more skills than I need, but these are completely undermined by a lack of belief in their potency. And I have spent too much time worrying about other people to build myself up.
I have thought about it as is my wont and found out that there are less abstract ways to get around this problem:
1. Find a hobby that will enable me to meet more people. If there is a one in a hundred chance I will get along with someone in this new group, then it wouldn't bother me so much that I can't please everyone in the office. Plus a new hobby will give me something to think about other than my sickening fixation on other people's impressions. I'm in the office for more than 12 hours a day with no clear stuff to do other than to wait for my dad to finish up at his office and take me home--I have to get out. I just have to.
2. Seek out people who love me and draw strength from them. This has always been on my mind but the thought of never being able to save money makes me rethink asking people to lunch or to movies. But this is also very twisted--these moments are what we work to earn money for. I used to treat people just to cheer them up and not count the cost because that's what I felt money was supposed to be for--to buy sensory pleasure, hopefully the beginnings of happiness. I should apply this idea to myself. Therefore...
3. Spend more money on what makes me happy. Each day I think about how I need a bag that will fit everything including flats to commute in, a coat that doesn't look like it shrunk in the wash... but I also think about how at least P3,000 of my money should go into a time deposit each month so I put off buying stuff I need. Naturally, buying the stuff I *want* or even stuff I want to buy for my family is out of the question. So now I am postponing saving money, at least for this first year. Hopefully these investments in myself will pay off.
People have been telling me to stop being so serious and now I've finally decided that it can be done. The truth is that nobody expects me to be as responsible as I try to be all the time. Not my parents, not my brothers, not Gelo. But I will pursue no more of being a bad girl just to negate this serious image, breaking little rules in silly ways with sweaty palms, eventually deciding I'm better off treading the straight and narrow. There are more mature ways of effecting this change. I will begin Operation Get Happy tomorrow by shopping shamelessly.
* * *
These are stuff I've always wanted, with an everyday-wishing-to-buy-it-someday kind of wanting but never got around to buying because my spreadsheets told me I shouldn't:
1. Get hair straigthened anew with conditioning this time (because I can afford it now), get a spanky new haircut along with it.
2. A suit--a real matching one. With a skirt that makes me look sexy naman for a change (the current ones I'm using are high-waisted and long).
3. A bag that fits everything but doesn't make me look like a mother of three.
4. Storage bins, boxes, and cabinets to tame the mess in my room.
5. A label printer. I once saw this in a mag, but I have no idea where in the Philippines to buy such a thing.
6. New skirts and blouses to wear to work. In particular a crisp white blouse that goes with everything, and a black 3/4 sleeve knit top to wear with my cute-but-difficult-to-match-with-anything colored skirts.
7. Girly sandals for casual wear. I'm working now, I can't go on wearing my unlaundered-since-college Chucks everywhere.
8. Dance classes. Flamenco, Tango or Bellydancing. As in! Wishing for this one with "the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns".
The list is pretty long, but I know that getting at least one item once a month will improve my disposition dramatically. I remember buying my wallet from Girbaud sale on a whim--I sigh in satisfaction even till now each time I recall what a good purchase it was. Tomorrow I hope to find my big black bag. Wish me luck.
The truth is that personal magnetism stems from confidence. I sometimes feel I have more skills than I need, but these are completely undermined by a lack of belief in their potency. And I have spent too much time worrying about other people to build myself up.
I have thought about it as is my wont and found out that there are less abstract ways to get around this problem:
1. Find a hobby that will enable me to meet more people. If there is a one in a hundred chance I will get along with someone in this new group, then it wouldn't bother me so much that I can't please everyone in the office. Plus a new hobby will give me something to think about other than my sickening fixation on other people's impressions. I'm in the office for more than 12 hours a day with no clear stuff to do other than to wait for my dad to finish up at his office and take me home--I have to get out. I just have to.
2. Seek out people who love me and draw strength from them. This has always been on my mind but the thought of never being able to save money makes me rethink asking people to lunch or to movies. But this is also very twisted--these moments are what we work to earn money for. I used to treat people just to cheer them up and not count the cost because that's what I felt money was supposed to be for--to buy sensory pleasure, hopefully the beginnings of happiness. I should apply this idea to myself. Therefore...
3. Spend more money on what makes me happy. Each day I think about how I need a bag that will fit everything including flats to commute in, a coat that doesn't look like it shrunk in the wash... but I also think about how at least P3,000 of my money should go into a time deposit each month so I put off buying stuff I need. Naturally, buying the stuff I *want* or even stuff I want to buy for my family is out of the question. So now I am postponing saving money, at least for this first year. Hopefully these investments in myself will pay off.
People have been telling me to stop being so serious and now I've finally decided that it can be done. The truth is that nobody expects me to be as responsible as I try to be all the time. Not my parents, not my brothers, not Gelo. But I will pursue no more of being a bad girl just to negate this serious image, breaking little rules in silly ways with sweaty palms, eventually deciding I'm better off treading the straight and narrow. There are more mature ways of effecting this change. I will begin Operation Get Happy tomorrow by shopping shamelessly.
* * *
These are stuff I've always wanted, with an everyday-wishing-to-buy-it-someday kind of wanting but never got around to buying because my spreadsheets told me I shouldn't:
1. Get hair straigthened anew with conditioning this time (because I can afford it now), get a spanky new haircut along with it.
2. A suit--a real matching one. With a skirt that makes me look sexy naman for a change (the current ones I'm using are high-waisted and long).
3. A bag that fits everything but doesn't make me look like a mother of three.
4. Storage bins, boxes, and cabinets to tame the mess in my room.
5. A label printer. I once saw this in a mag, but I have no idea where in the Philippines to buy such a thing.
6. New skirts and blouses to wear to work. In particular a crisp white blouse that goes with everything, and a black 3/4 sleeve knit top to wear with my cute-but-difficult-to-match-with-anything colored skirts.
7. Girly sandals for casual wear. I'm working now, I can't go on wearing my unlaundered-since-college Chucks everywhere.
8. Dance classes. Flamenco, Tango or Bellydancing. As in! Wishing for this one with "the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns".
The list is pretty long, but I know that getting at least one item once a month will improve my disposition dramatically. I remember buying my wallet from Girbaud sale on a whim--I sigh in satisfaction even till now each time I recall what a good purchase it was. Tomorrow I hope to find my big black bag. Wish me luck.