(no subject)
GODDAMNIT I CAN NEVER FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE CUTS WORK. Sorry, this would be under a cut, but I'm just not smart enough to figure out LJ's shit.
Whiny rant below.
I feel a bit debilitated.
This is an example of a fairly common occurrence in my life. I had to end a shower prematurely because I was in danger of passing out. My neurally mediated hypotension (AKA neurocardiogenic syncope, or vasovagal syncope) is having a bad day.
To refresh memories, I got diagnosed with this a few years ago, but I've been having the symptoms of it ever since I hit my teens. To define it: Normally when someone goes from laying down or sitting to standing, their blood begins to pool in their leg and lower body veins. Your body notices the blood pressure drop, and compensates by constricting the lower body veins to push blood back up to the brain and equalize your blood pressure across your body again. In my body, the trigger that starts this process is broken. Broken to the point that it actually perceives the blood pressure drop as a *raise* in blood pressure. My body, when I stand, will sometimes open the veins in my legs and lower body further, allowing more pooling. This leads to a lot of weakness, lightheadedness, and if I don't sit or lay down, passing out.
It has better and worse days. Some days I could stand for hours and not feel a thing. Some days I get lightheaded right after getting up, and I stay weak, lethargic and faint-y all day. There are no real treatments or cures for it. Some people find relief from some of the symptoms by using bronchial dilators, like in asthma medication. You can improve your symptoms by drinking loads of water and eating loads of salt. Something to do with thickening the blood, I never quite understood it. I try and do that. Cardio exercise can help. Good sleep, a balanced diet.Eventually, some people simply lose the disorder as they age. Around 40 it just....goes away.That would be nice.
It's silly to whine about. I could have a lot worse of things. Shingles, or cancer, or a cleft palate or seizures. Any number of ailments. But when you combine this disorder with pretty nasty asthma and anemia, they all kinda gang up on each other and turn me into a really weak individual. I work hard, every day, just to function at the same level as everyone around me. I can't work any job with consistent standing. Cashier, waitress, airports, shops, restaurants. I might be good on the job Monday and Tuesday, but not be able to stand for my full shift, or even the first hour, Wednesday and Thursday. And Friday wouldn't matter because I'd already be fired. I lost three jobs before I even knew why I couldn't handle an eight hour shift on my feet.
The point is, I feel like yeah, I could start exercising like a fiend, try and find the money for the asthma medication, try and find the money to eat a consistantly high quality diet. But I shouldn't fucking have to. Everyone around me if functioning on minimal care, why can't I? I don't want to put THAT MUCH EFFORT into just being average.
But if I don't, I'm never going to really be able to do things like exploring the world. Running a marathon. Hiking, camping, relay races, touring a city on foot, biking a trail, walking in the heat for god's sakes can make me need to take a sit down. I feel like a fat person with diabetes and a heart murmur, and I'm an underweight 20 year old. These are essentially the best years of my life, and I have to drinks gallons of water a day, and if I was doing it right eat six small meals a day with high sodium content and exercise consistently, every day, just to function on the same level as other women my age.
I'm tired, guys. I hate it. I'm always tired, I'm always weak, I get lightheaded from fucking everything. I get numbness a lot from lack of circulation. I've got too many things wrong with me to be able to treat them all. Argh.
I'm really curious to know what it feels like to be normal and healthy.
*post-script* I think what really bothers me about it is that it's not a visible illness. People can't just look at me and say "Oh, that young woman there has something wrong with her". So I feel like when I show how weak I'm feeling, people judge me as just being lazy or whiny, such as when I say I need to have a sit-down or I ask for people to slow down when we're walking somewhere. I just don't like how it makes me feel like I'm being judged, so I push myself to go farther than I should and end up being even more weak for the rest of the day because I tried too hard. Mnrrrr.
Whiny rant below.
I feel a bit debilitated.
This is an example of a fairly common occurrence in my life. I had to end a shower prematurely because I was in danger of passing out. My neurally mediated hypotension (AKA neurocardiogenic syncope, or vasovagal syncope) is having a bad day.
To refresh memories, I got diagnosed with this a few years ago, but I've been having the symptoms of it ever since I hit my teens. To define it: Normally when someone goes from laying down or sitting to standing, their blood begins to pool in their leg and lower body veins. Your body notices the blood pressure drop, and compensates by constricting the lower body veins to push blood back up to the brain and equalize your blood pressure across your body again. In my body, the trigger that starts this process is broken. Broken to the point that it actually perceives the blood pressure drop as a *raise* in blood pressure. My body, when I stand, will sometimes open the veins in my legs and lower body further, allowing more pooling. This leads to a lot of weakness, lightheadedness, and if I don't sit or lay down, passing out.
It has better and worse days. Some days I could stand for hours and not feel a thing. Some days I get lightheaded right after getting up, and I stay weak, lethargic and faint-y all day. There are no real treatments or cures for it. Some people find relief from some of the symptoms by using bronchial dilators, like in asthma medication. You can improve your symptoms by drinking loads of water and eating loads of salt. Something to do with thickening the blood, I never quite understood it. I try and do that. Cardio exercise can help. Good sleep, a balanced diet.Eventually, some people simply lose the disorder as they age. Around 40 it just....goes away.That would be nice.
It's silly to whine about. I could have a lot worse of things. Shingles, or cancer, or a cleft palate or seizures. Any number of ailments. But when you combine this disorder with pretty nasty asthma and anemia, they all kinda gang up on each other and turn me into a really weak individual. I work hard, every day, just to function at the same level as everyone around me. I can't work any job with consistent standing. Cashier, waitress, airports, shops, restaurants. I might be good on the job Monday and Tuesday, but not be able to stand for my full shift, or even the first hour, Wednesday and Thursday. And Friday wouldn't matter because I'd already be fired. I lost three jobs before I even knew why I couldn't handle an eight hour shift on my feet.
The point is, I feel like yeah, I could start exercising like a fiend, try and find the money for the asthma medication, try and find the money to eat a consistantly high quality diet. But I shouldn't fucking have to. Everyone around me if functioning on minimal care, why can't I? I don't want to put THAT MUCH EFFORT into just being average.
But if I don't, I'm never going to really be able to do things like exploring the world. Running a marathon. Hiking, camping, relay races, touring a city on foot, biking a trail, walking in the heat for god's sakes can make me need to take a sit down. I feel like a fat person with diabetes and a heart murmur, and I'm an underweight 20 year old. These are essentially the best years of my life, and I have to drinks gallons of water a day, and if I was doing it right eat six small meals a day with high sodium content and exercise consistently, every day, just to function on the same level as other women my age.
I'm tired, guys. I hate it. I'm always tired, I'm always weak, I get lightheaded from fucking everything. I get numbness a lot from lack of circulation. I've got too many things wrong with me to be able to treat them all. Argh.
I'm really curious to know what it feels like to be normal and healthy.
*post-script* I think what really bothers me about it is that it's not a visible illness. People can't just look at me and say "Oh, that young woman there has something wrong with her". So I feel like when I show how weak I'm feeling, people judge me as just being lazy or whiny, such as when I say I need to have a sit-down or I ask for people to slow down when we're walking somewhere. I just don't like how it makes me feel like I'm being judged, so I push myself to go farther than I should and end up being even more weak for the rest of the day because I tried too hard. Mnrrrr.