Gorgeous
This is the second version of this fic. I edited it while listening to Koe Wo Kikasete... me who usually doesn't listen to Big Bang... the feeling of the song got to me so bad... maybe you should try read the fic while listening to it?
Title : Gorgeous
Pairing : Sihan
Rated : R
Warning: Character death (AGAIN?!)
Theme: Gorgeous from the Super Junior 100 fic Challenge
Disclaimer: As much as I would like it, they're not mine
Note: I, sadly, have no medical knowledge, I wrote this with my logic only...
Geng was gorgeous in everything he did, Siwon mused, watching his lover ad he was asleep. Absolutely gorgeous, even if nothing special happened. The sun had been created to shine on his almost golden skin, the light to reflect in his deep eyes... The way he smiled, somewhat shy yet always sincere... the way he moved. as if grace and fluidity were words invented for him, as if the dictionary missed something in it to describe the phenomenon of Geng’s existence and needed those words to do so…Wasn’t gorgeous one of those too?
Nothing of everyday life routines was more beautiful to Siwon’s eyes than seeing his boyfriend cook for the both of them. The dedication with which he prepared everything, all the little attentions he put while pulling up the plates, his soft humming as he was meeting with the pans and pots, knowing that Siwon was watching him, but still acting as if he wasn't conscious of it at all.
Yes, Geng was gorgeous when he cooked.
Even doing the laundry was making Geng gorgeous. In the same way that he was putting all his efforts in cooking, his efforts to fold everything perfectly were so remarkable. Even if Siwon unfolded one by error, and Geng would go mad and shout at him with an angry voice, using still heavily accented Korean while he was refolding the cloth, he had this radiance that nobody else would have while doing such a chore, it looked so easy, not bothersome at all for him to do it…
Yes, Geng was gorgeous when he did the laundry
When Geng was reading, there was this cute little frown of concentration on his face. He was getting so absorbed, especially when he read in his native language, because he fully understood everything, he forgot everything around him… even Siwon’s arm around his waist… Sometimes kisses in his neck weren’t enough to make him stop… There was nothing, no one but himself that could make him get out of his book, and Siwon could look at him hours and hours….
Yes, Geng was gorgeous when he read.
When Geng was dancing… it was like an illumination from God Himself. Those amazing curves, infinitely delicate but still so masculine, the way his limbs moved, all the grace he could deploy… it was as if his feet weren’t even touching the floor as he hopped and turned…on his toes, on his whole feet… Rhythm seemed to flow through him, it looked like he had been synchronized to it. That body had no limits… maybe it was going against God, in a sense… it didn’t matter at all, though. (Yes, he really thought that...)
Yes, Geng was gorgeous when he danced.
And when the Chinese was singing… it was paradise. His voice was one of an angel, so soft yet so strong, so pure… as if it was his soul instead of music notes that we had the chance to hear. And how serene he was looking, the peace on his traits as his voice echoed in the auditorium of Siwon’s heart, making the Korean shivers so much he was often brought to tears when he had the chance to hear the magnificent voice long enough.
Yes, Geng was gorgeous when he sang.
When he was kissing Siwon, Geng was breathtaking. The way he placed his body in order to be the closest possible from Siwon, how his arms encircled the taller’s neck… The soft, lovable sighs of delight he was making were to Siwon’s ears the best song ever written. How his eyes were shining after they parted, showing all the love they could, keeping Geng from talking in order to express his love.
Yes, Geng was gorgeous when they kissed.
Not a single one of the previous things could beat the sight Siwon had of Geng when they were making love. A sweating body under his, longs, flexible legs around his waist, and… the man… writhing from pleasure, screaming his name in the greatest symphony as the back arched, the way those eyes were never completely opened because of lust, but never quite closed so the lovers could look at each other and realise how much they were lucky to have each other. The taste of a tongue, so spicy and passionate… Arms around his shoulders as if the both of them would fall from pleasure, hands marking his back… and this backside, meeting with each of his thrusts with perfect synchronism, making them want to be together for eternity…
Yes, Geng was absolutely gorgeous when they made love.
Definitely, in all the things he did, Geng was gorgeous.... all..... but one.
Dying
How can you be gorgeous when your skin has lost its magnificent golden color, your eyes does not open anymore, your mouth is only parted for ragged breathing, not to speak, kiss or moan and scream, when moving is some luxe that you can’t afford yourself…. How can you be?
You can’t.
All had started with Geng having frequent headaches which were making him dizzy and moody. Usual painkillers did nothing; the poor Chinese was still suffering, so much he had stopped dancing. Worried, Siwon had forced Geng to go to the hospital, when they discovered that the Chinese was struck with a rare, degenerative brain disease… that was why he had such horrible headaches…
However, Geng refused to stay at the hospital immediately,… he had things to do before, while he still could… So they left Beijing and went back to Korea for a few days, telling their friends about the bad news… Most of them ended up crying in Geng’s embrace, telling him that it wasn’t fair… but what could the dancer do? Since when life had been fair? He calmed them down, spending as much time with everyone as he could, because Siwon was forcing him to sleep when the headaches were strong, and the Korean was the one who took over calming everyone. Saying goodbye was the rougher part, because they all knew it was their last time with Geng, unless they went to China to visit him at the hospital, but all of them were so busy. Only Mi would have had some time, if it wasn’t that he ended up having a role in a movie… role that Siwon had declined in order to stay by Geng’s side…
When they came back to China, it took less than 24 hours in their home for Geng to fall on the floor, unable to walk anymore. Siwon had found him in their bedroom, crashed on the carpet, crying his eyes out and using all his forces he must use to try to get back up on his feet… but muscular force had left the Chinese… moving was getting impossible… For Siwon, it was definitive: Geng needed to be at the hospital, where people could take care of him in the best way possible… However, he found a lot of reticence in his lover and he had to beg Geng to go, leading the Chinese to tears. Soon both of them were crying, unable to accept that they wouldn’t be together all the time anymore.
It had been confirmed at the hospital that Geng’s capacities to move were crashing down… his brain was definitely attacked by the disease. The dancer was bedridden, only moving his head, his hands… nothing that asked too much effort, in other words. For the rest, Siwon was usually there to help him. The Korean was doing his best to hide his pain each time he realised Geng had weakened again. His gorgeous lover, his marvel, his joy in life, was slipping away from him… he wasn’t strong enough to let it pass without having his heart in pieces.
Later on, only a few week later, Geng’s eyes became unfocused as he started to see blurry and it only took a day for him to loose his sight. He had cried hysterically when he woke up the morning and realised that he couldn’t see anything anymore. Siwon had done his best to hold him down, himself crying because his heart was dying away with the smaller man. He had let Geng touch him all over, the sick one trying to remember what he used to see, just by touching. But nothing could heal the huge hole in Siwon’s heart each time he saw the forever closed lids with the eyes underneath still searching for light… it was hurting him to know they would search in vain.
The worst for Siwon was the simple idea of Geng being totally conscious of his state. Now that he was blind, the Chinese became horribly nervous, always yelping when being touched, because people took him by surprise all the time since he couldn’t see them coming. The taller had taken the habit to talk before barely passing his fingers on the nearest hand, waiting for its owner to acknowledge his presence. However, Geng’s blindness brought them a few laughs, surprisingly… Like this time when Siwon wanted to kiss his lover, but, because of Geng trying to reach for him, he ended up kissing an ear. They had started laughing softly, before Siwon held the beloved face to keep it from moving, and went for a loving kiss on the chapped lips. The smile he found on those same lips made Siwon feel all fuzzy inside… he knew Geng was smiling because he was still able to make his lover happy even in his poor state… Well, the lover would have said that only having the Chinese in his life made him happy… but it wasn’t that much important why or how, as long as they were happy no matter what…
“You know I love you, isn’t it, Geng?”
“Yes Siwon, I know…”
“No matter how bad your state is, I won’t stop….”
“You should… I won’t stay with you for much longer…”
“You will… don’t worry about that…”
“Just tell me… you’ll go on…”
They were both in Geng’s bed, Siwon tenderly caressing the other’s cheek as he was watching over his lover’s relaxed form, his head on his hand and his elbow on the Chinese’s pillow. There were moments like that in which the Korean knew that even if he fell in love with a man, God was still with him, because the man he fell for was the best blessing he could ever had… and he knew that if Geng had to go away, there had to be a reason, but that even death couldn’t made them part completely... they loved each other way too much for that to happen.
The two of them spent hours, days, and weeks snuggled like this, hoping for the Chinese’s state to stay stable for a while… until it was Geng’s mental capacities that started to be affected. He still had his voice, but talking became difficult… forming complete sentences, at some point, became impossible, in such a way Siwon thought of a young child learning to speak. The child would improve… Geng would go the other way around… He ended up only being able to say a few key words, like his love’s name. Now Siwon didn’t know what to do… if the dancer was losing his speech… will he loose his capacity to understand too? Without his eyes and without vocal communication, how will he knows what’s happening around him without being scared? Happily, he didn’t lose his comprehension, so the younger could still talk to his lover and have reactions from him.
Another comforting thought for the sane one of the two was that, according to doctors, Geng’s memory wasn’t affected, so even if he lost his comprehension, he would still be able to recognise the touches from Siwon, because they subconsciously followed a pattern Geng would surely remember.
One day, while Geng was sleeping, Siwon had stayed on the edge of the bed and had watched his lover, tears in his eyes. It definitely wasn’t fair… it was such a wonderful person, why did he had to suffer this much? He had lost a great part of him that made him himself. Most of his mobility, his sight, his speech… and from that exact day a little bit of his consciousness… Siwon should have felt relieved to know that the former dancer wasn’t trapped in his mind as much as before, but it was hurting him more than ever to know Geng was slipping away from him for real… if things were going on like that, it was only a question of time before he left for good… before even his vital functions get attacked… before his heart stopped by itself…
When Geng’s state finally became stable, there was barely anything left. The only answers Siwon could hope to have were smiles, soft acknowledgement sounds, sometimes a kiss or a hand closing around his if he was lucky. It was torture to come back every day, to see his love like that… but he still came, as he wanted to spend all the time he had left with Geng. The agency were getting moody about that, first they lost their main link to the Chinese market, second Siwon was declining many movies that could have made him a worldwide star… just to stay with his lover. It wasn't as if they had a heart, over there...
There is, amongst all those days, one which would stay in Siwon’s memory until his death… He had entered and softly, had kissed Geng’s lips, silently hoping for him to kiss in return.
Nothing happened.
Frowning, but only telling himself that Geng was too weak to return the kiss, he had taken his lover’s fragile hand, hoping for it to close with his…
Nothing happened.
Geng was definitely too tired, no kiss, no pressure of the hand… So Siwon had pressed their foreheads together, and, whispering, he asked: “Are you still here, Geng? Speak to me, my love… Just show me you’re here… I want to hear your voice...”
Nothing happened.
Telling himself that his lover had maybe lost his hearing capacities over the night, which clinging to no end on that idea, Siwon had stroked the Chinese’s cheek softly, lovingly, hoping for him to smile a little bit…
Nothing happened…. Again.
Only signs left?
The monitors
Worried to no end, Siwon had rushed to Geng’s doctor’s office, to find the man concentrated on a file, seemingly having problems with it, seeing on the way he was frowning. Lifting his head at the sound of Siwon’s arrival, the doctor smiled sadly.
“Mr. Choi… Please sit.”
Doing was he was told, the Korean saw that the file on the desk… was Geng’s… it was really a lost case, then? NO, it couldn't... Geng would be alright...
“His brain… the damage is now too great… He won’t show any signs of consciousness again… He’s asleep, or more like in a coma… and there’s nothing we can do… there was no way to save him from it… we did everything we could… and we only got it worse…”
“So… even if I try all day… he won’t react? Nothing?”
It couldn't be... Geng couldn't leave him without at least a Goodbye....no?
The doctor took off his glasses, closed the file with trembling hands and sighed deeply.
“Siwon… I’m serious… He barely has 24 hours left before everything is too ravaged to function… I’m so sorry but…"
Another sigh.
"Geng is dying.”
Without a word, Siwon had left the office and has rushed to Geng’s room. Cradling against himself his lover, the only one had loved that much, he had climbed in the bed and he stayed like that, listening to the Chinese’s breaths, hearing them being ragged and difficult. It was too much for him to bear, he kissed the delicate face, stroked his cheek, trying his best to remember what it felt like to have an healthy Geng with him, to be sure to remember as he would get older… because he would be alone… he felt his heart clench only by thinking about it. He would have wanted to follow his love, so they wouldn’t be on their own, both of them…. But his beliefs were telling him that life was meant to be lived, and most of all, that it was a poor memorial gift for Geng, who would have wanted him to go on… who had asked to go on without him.
“I… I’ll stay, because I’m know who won’t leave me completely… because I’ll love you forever, no matter where you are… but… I guess you were too gorgeous for this world, darling, and now Heaven is calling you back… watch over me, okay?”
They stayed like that all day long, and in the night, Siwon felt Geng go away from him. Even if he was crying, he could still look at the once gorgeous Chinese… and as he fell into eternal slumber, Siwon couldn’t help himself but to think that he was beautiful…
Yes, only beautiful.
How can you be gorgeous when your soul is gone?