Dreamseeker
I wasn't able to start writing Chapter 16, so I went with my "inspiration of the moment"
Title: Dreamseeker
Pairing: Sihan
Rating: R
Summary: All I wanted was to understand your pain... I only got it worse...
I don’t know if I should do this. I can hear your voice, telling me not to do it, to stop being stupid…
Is it really your voice? I don’t remember the last time I heard it…
We seriously shouldn’t have invented this machine, love…Your dreams should have stayed yours, and only yours. Why have I been so curious? Hearing you say that they were premonitions of the future wasn’t enough? No, I had to ask you to show them to me… I was too immerged in my own closed up views, what I thought was true, to believe your word.
You should have said no… I should have never asked. But… I only wished to understand your pain when you woke up at night, crying and wanting me to comfort you by making love to you until you couldn’t take it anymore… All I wanted was to share your pain… If only holding you against me had been enough…
The last time you spoke to me… did you still have your accent?
You said it wouldn’t be possible… that there would never be a way for me to see your dreams with you. You were so sceptic about the whole project… kept telling me to let go, that nothing good would come out of it. You asked me oh so many times why your word wasn’t enough. That wasn’t it. There was a difference between understanding and sharing.
One day, I managed to do it, this machine that would let me see your dreams... Oh, how you were fearful to let me put those little electrodes on your head… It was risky and the both of us knew it. Took hours for you to fall asleep… and I stayed with you all along.
Do you remember that? When I would lie next to you, my arm around your waist, and sing to you so you would sleep? Do you think of that when you’re not dreaming?
Do you even think of me at all?
I spent whole night awake, holding your hand while you were off in your other world, seeing the catastrophe on the screen. No wonder you were waking up in tears… I still have nightmares about it myself. Can’t believe the world can turn up like that. The world can’t simply end… I still thought that it was your own fears that were turning into nightmares, that all those years of fearing the future had made you like that… Oh, how wrong I was…
One night I had fallen asleep while you had the machine on your head. Your first dreams of the night had been joyful and sweet, I thought you would finally get a little bit of rest, so I took advantage of it to rest myself… until you woke up screaming, shaking me to wake me up, asking me if the machine was recording on video what you had just dreamt about.
Oh, how I regret not believing you… I could have protected you…
It had happened. This huge wave, washing over islands, turning them into new age Atlantis. How could I deny that you were having predictions? The video on the machine and what we saw on TV… it was the same… That night, you cried hysterically, not wanting to use the machine. How you screamed at me, telling me that since we started using it, that we had no couple life… that you felt like a laboratory rat, not my lover anymore.
I remember how I proved to you that I loved you; that you were, before everything else, no matter what, my lover, my soul mate, the one I wanted to spend my life with. How you screamed from our shared desire, your nails digging in my back, legs around my waist as I was getting lost in your offered body, lost deep inside you... with you. What I remember the most is the whispered “I love you” you granted me right before we fell asleep, our cooling bodies still intertwined.
Do you still love me?
The machine lay forgotten after that. I was too scared to see those dreams again… but on your side, everything was getting worse and worse… and you kept on telling me that you saw it coming when we saw catastrophes on the evening news. You had stopped going to work, you were too depressed to hide it. You were refusing my kisses, telling me you weren’t worth them anymore.
You weren’t the same anymore, guilt choking you day by day. You were craving for a way to help those people you say dying in your dreams. I wished I could have found a secure way for you to do that… but all I ended up doing is another machine.
I wanted my dream to fuse with yours, so we could be together, so I could hold you even mentally. I had pushed my beliefs aside long ago… you were now the one I believed in. If I were to go to Hell for that… it will be okay, at least I would have done everything for you.
Only, I never knew that Hell was on Earth… Did you?
We fought over that new machine, more than once. I wanted a better way to share your pain, you wanted to spare me from it. You cried so much, clutching my clothes while I was rubbing your back.
If only you hadn’t decided to act without telling me. You should have told me… What were you thinking?! One night, after a dream, you woke up in panic, and… do you remember what you did? You ran to a police station, telling them what would happen, that this and this quarters of the city needed to be evacuated. They didn’t believe you, thought you were on drugs, maybe.
When it happened for real, however…You were back at home, cooking supper while I was coming back from buying that milk you had been missing for your recipe. I remember that milk. The brand, the expiration date, the number of litres… I still remember the feeling of it in my hand as I arrived in front of our house, and saw the police cars.
They put you on arrest. Thought you had done some terrorist attack, or that you were linked with a criminal organization. They didn’t know you… you were too kind for that. All you had wanted was to help, nothing more. I had one last chance to help you… I took the recordings from the first machine, and I brought those tapes to them.
If only I had known that it would seal your fate instead of getting you out of there. Understanding your capacity, and knowing that I had a machine that could let them see those dreams of yours… they barged in our house, and they took the machine away from me.
Do you remember the color of our bedroom’s walls? You chose it…
I never saw you since the day they arrested you. They never let me kiss you goodbye, never let me tell you how sorry I was. I tried everything to save you, but I can’t undo the horror I have done. My attempts in sharing your pain, sealed you forever in it instead.
You who had accused me of turning you into a laboratory rat… that’s what they have done with you. Now you are plugged on this machine at each hour of the day, they keep on drugging you so you’ll never wake up, so your dreams are the longest possible. Yes, they did manage to use them to save people. You would probably be happy about that… but did they really needed to sacrifice your life?
At least I have some friend at the government who managed to sneak out some information about you. I’ve been told that all those drugs in your organism… they are destroying your lifespan. You have barely a year to live… I’ve also been told that you now need an oxygen mask because your breathing capacities are going away. They don’t feed you with real food; you lost as much weight as it is possible. Since they need you to be alive, you are plugged to an IV… I don’t want to see you like that…
Is it still you?
It’s my only choice, love. If I want to reach you, there’s only one last chance. I have to try the other machine. I know it’s risky, I know that there are only 25% of chances that I actually reach your dreamscape. I also know that I have high chances of dying if it fails. I spent days asking myself if I should… spent days wondering what would you say of it. I’m still realistic; I know that you would be against it.
But how do you expect me to live without you? I spent nights hugging your pillow, smelling you until it was all gone. I can’t even open my underwear drawer without finding one of yours… Pictures of us are everywhere… I still hear your moans when I lay in bed, fighting the tears as I crave to hold you against me. I miss your smile, while I don’t even remember what your laugh sounds like… I wanted to spend my lifetime with you… and you’re gone. Because of me and my stupid inventions.
At least you can’t see my trembling hands as I install those electrodes on my own head. Now I understand why they scared you so much… they terrify me. Not so tough anymore, huh? Wait for me, darling. You won’t be alone anymore… If I can’t reach you, if your dreams can’t become mine, then I won’t mind dying, because without you, it’s worthless…
Tell me, Geng… Do we suffer this much when we dream?