So this is Christmas...
Tonight I went to church, to watch Hurricane sing. I never go to church, and while I'm not sure I will become a regular customer, I do believe that I get something out of church--or, the silence and the release of my thoughts--that I don't get anywhere else. Since it's Christmas, the entire mass was done by candlelight, and as I looked out over all of these people--all these families, friends, neighbors, strangers--I started to cry and I haven't stopped since.
I have always considered myself invincible. Physical pain is nothing to me, emotional pain almost enjoyed for the fact that it forces change. I am a perfectionist, a control freak (over myself, and no one else), plagued by demons, struggling to free my heart. I don't admit when I'm hurt because I don't know how, so instead I let it boil, a personal and uncontrollable fire of anguish that rips at my insides and turns me in circles. I am stubborn, insistant on making all the mistakes myself, and sometimes shocked by end results that I predicted before I put myself in such a debacle. I am scared of strong love, because it makes me doubt my strength in myself. I take everything to extremes, whether its "losing a few pounds," my grades, my behaviors. I open my mouth in places I shouldn't, because I forget that not everyone wants to be attacked to be improved. I have incredible confidence in myself--but incredible doubt when I'm put in social situations and expected to relate. I've got a good heart, and I'd lay down and die for the people in my life, but I'm also the last person willing to sit quietly when I need to. I'm stoic, apathetic, quiet, not easily amused. I like having my personal space invaded. I love it when people remember my birthday, because it makes it special to me. I love spontaniety. But I'm dark at times, silent when my assurance is needed, lacking in patience, and quick to run when I feel myself starting to lower my guard. I'm an asshole and a half. I hurt people. I never do so with the intention of hurting people--rather, with the desire to protect some aspect of myself, but all I manage to do is lose people. I'm like an addicted gambler...I never know when to stop placing my bets, and in the end, I wind up broke as hell.
That said...I have some things to say. While some may point out that I'm merely doing this because my "life has gone to shit," I don't see that as the case. Rather, I refuse to let another moment go by without these certain points being said, because it's Christmas, because they matter to me, and because I'm going to suck up my pride and admit that, most of the time, ya'll are right. So here we go.
This Christmas...
I want Lisa to know that I'm leaving her comment up, because its true...and that I appreciate her truths.
I want Greg and Larry to know that their messages to me over the course of the year, despite my long-felt hiatus from reality, were wonderful...and I appreciated them.
I want Jayne and Meg to know that I'm sure they're right, I do have demons and a horrible knack for being a bitch...but that, should the need arise, I will always be here.
I want Court to know that, every day, her friendship is a beacon for me...and that I only hope I return the favor with as much zest and love as I feel I receive.
I want Kassie to know that my conversations with her, our adventures, and all the long years of presence are unmatchable...and valuable.
I want my suitemates--Julie, Rachel, Tamela, Melissa--to know that I truly love living with all of them, the diversity, the sense of humor, and the way everyone looks out for one another.
I want Jenna to know that our weekend dinner and driving dates are often the highlights of my weeks...that I love how our friendship works that way. And...THANKYOU for the millions of grocery store runs that you so graciously give me.
I want Heather to know that I look up to her and respect her--in more ways than I feel are appropriate to list on a livejournal. Regardless, she is an inspiration to me.
I want my brothers to know that, in the past few years, their silent criticism of me has been a motivation to make myself better--because I'm sick of being a disappointment.
I want Katy to know that I look back on the time I spent with her, and I know I'm lucky, because she's amazing, and showed me how to love my life, and myself...and showed me what it means to truly love the people around you, love your family...immeasurable lessons, also innapropriate to list on a livejournal.
I want T to know that I learned more about myself in the course of our friendship than I ever hoped to learn about anything...and that her criticism of me is a propellant, a division in my life, and a great thing.
I want Katie Hall to know that the IMs she sent me over the year, even if I didn't get to respond to them, always made me laugh--and that the next time I get an IM from her, I'll hopefully answer her call to talk.
I want my parents to know that I respect them...that they are good parents...that they pushed me (finally) at exactly the right moment.
I want my "daughters," Madilene and Bethany, to know that I always see them watching me...that knowing their eyes follow me constantly makes me more aware of my baubles, more inclined towards that frozen heart thing of mine.
I want Sara to know that I was blown away by her refusal to quit on me...that it reminded me to not always have to run with my elbows out.
I want my Gma to know that I found my love for being pushed from the way she refused to back down against me, that she gave me my strength of character, and my bad attitude...but, by keeping me close to her all these years, she also gave me a vision into her life--and the power to change who I could be (Think: A Christmas Carol).
I want Kani to know that her faith in me--or, my strength--makes me remember that I have it when I forget it most. That she has that same strength, tenfold. I've been the victim of such strength too many times to count.
And there's still more...I'm sorry.
I want everyone to know that, this semester, I finished with a 3.7 GPA. While this may not mean a lot to most people, this is a huge achievement to me, given what I've done in the past. I needed to achieve something, needed to find a value in myself, needed to know I could push myself. But even if my grades are a personal effort, it was this entire year of 2005 that brought me to this place, that put me to where I could do this, and there are so many people who helped me get here.
Somebody wrote on my bathroom mirror, "I am beautiful." My family's cleaning ladies have not erased it...and neither have I. I wish it was written on my mirrors are school, because every day I see that, I remember. Those are three of the most valuable words I've ever received, and they--like so much else in my life--push me to be better.
I've always considered friendship something irrevokable, permanent, and unshakable. Though I am--let's face it--a pretty terrible friend sometimes...and even if I'm unforgivable, have hurt too many people, have ran away too often...these people I've shared my life with are people I admire, respect, and cherish. Even if I've lost them through my actions, even if I never speak to them again, I never want to let go of the impact they've had on my life...and one day, maybe I'll get my thousandth chance. If I'm lucky.
I realize I still have a lot of growing to do...and I'm trying, but sometimes I feel like I need a stun gun to get small details through my head.
I wrote a dozen letters this week, to everyone. I'm not going to mail them unless someone specifically asks for theirs. If your name is in this post...I have a letter for you. They vary in their contents. Comment or email me if you want yours.
This is the last post I'm going to make in this journal. It's turned into a virtual warzone. While I've loved the criticism and anger that people have pushed on me, I don't think anyone else quite sees it the way I do in that sense. There are also a bunch of people--Blake, Amy, Will, etc--that I'm not too sure I care about having an eye into my life anymore. It's served its purpose, kept me in contact with a lot of people, but I'm sure it's also caused a lot of pain. I'm trying to cut back. : ) Like a New Year's diet, right? Regardless...I feel its only appropriate for this to be my final disappearing act.
I love ya'll...Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year's.
*les*