I'm back-tracking a bit
On the Fourth of July, which we spent at Stoney Creek as we have done for the last 16 years, Jordan had been in IN for a week already and he and I talked in private a bit about a few things, and we agreed it didn't feel like JULY yet. Maybe it was just the over-whelming feeling about how quickly the time was going; high school graduation and all it's fol-de-rol, getting everything done for him to get to Lincoln Tech, getting ready for the birthday/graduation party weekend. When we started looking into him going away to school, it was February. Thinking forward to the whole plan of events seemed like it was a long way off...........and then, all of a sudden we're there.
Didn't seem like it could be so already.
When I was a child, it seemed as if summer was practically OVER by my birthday. Now,(in case any readers don't know) my birthday is August 7th. When I was a child, we started thinking about back-to-school stuff around then. In fact, if I wanted something cool for school in my teens, I spent my own birthday money on it as there was not a lot of money for my mother to get 5 children ready for September. (We NEVER started school before Labor Day when I was growing up!) I am definitely having that HUGE feeling that my summer is over already. Pennsic is over, for goodness sake!
I know, it's the 21st and Labor Day IS almost here but this year it just feels really REALLY SAD. Not technical scientific summer--that's not over until Hobbit Day in September (yes, I'm BEHIND again in my summer reading!)The light is already noticeably going away. I have trouble with that. You know......SAD.......Seasonal Affective Disorder. And that's all some of this might be.
There's a couple of things that make me quietly sad; almost nothing I can really put my finger on.
I am still disturbed at the people who made NO acknowledgment at all to my child on the event of his high school graduation/18th birthday--and I'm just talking about a card or even an e-mail with an electronic "atta boy." I fuss so much over other people who bullshit me with how I am so important to them. Well, THIS was important to me.
HERE'S the point, when I have put myself out for other people--sewing, gifts, places to live, food for their faces, rides, emergency moves, WHATEVER--it came right out of my children's mouths, so to speak. My children did without--without EVER complaining so I could do for my "friends." I am slowing down a bit now and my energy will be conserved for my immediate family. The magic words, like a zen mantra: John......Jeremy.......Johanna......Jessalin......Jilliann......Jordan.....Jacob.
YES, I will get them tattooed on me before I'm dead.
One of the things I am divesting myself of at the end of August/summer is the small child (even if he has a J name, too!). Hopefully, he will go to pre-school and it will be a better transition for him than another freaky SCA slut girlfriend with personality problems that Adam brings into his life, and I can worry less about him. I have no faith that Adam will ever be a good father or a good man and I have to trust to the universe that we've done enough for Joey. At the same time, I will no longer be used and I do not care to have daily contact with a man who treats me like shit and is too busy worrying about his next sexual encounter to worry about whether his sons will have what they need. I divorced him for a reason.
Yes, he reads this but pretends he doesn't see it.
So, LOOK into that vasectomy, guy, like you said you would. You don't need to reproduce anymore. You can't take care of yourself let alone a couple children without free help from me and my family, or loans from your mommy.
Anyway, Joey WILL be going to pre-school according to Adam--even if he HAS to borrow the money. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I could just choke. Adam is a loser, and always will be. He waited until just yesterday to go apply for assistance. He couldn't find the place without calling here. He didn't spend 10 minutes on the whole thing. He's most likely waited too long. AND he could have had help for the last two years to make his child's life better but he was too much of a whiner and a baby to handle anything. His excuse? Oh no, I can't do anything because Cyrena might ask for custody. WELL, you know what? YOU LOST ME THERE FOREVER when you admitted that you told Heather #1 (who physically and verbally and emotionally abused your child) that you WOULD give Joey back to his mother JUST TO KEEP THAT LITTLE CRAZY NUTCASE #1 IN YOUR HOME so you could get laid.
Let me repeat that, in order to convince the first crazy Heather to stay with him, he offered to give Joey back to Cyrena, his mother. Like I said, it's all about his dick. His twelve-year old is more mature than he is. I have no respect for him and any sad single-father stories are all bullshit and designed to get something for him--not his child.
He is still "dating" crazy Heather #2, another tent tramp he picked up at an event. It doesn't matter that this woman is borderline personality disorder and breaks up with him every other week; he's still trying to get her to move in with him. Nice..........subject your children to another person who is either ADHD, in therapy, should be in therapy, dislikes small children or all of the above.
I am as worried for the child of his that's not mine as for the one that is.
BUT, Joey needs pre-school anyway--and I would still be a little wistful that the time has passed so quickly. He wasn't even two when he came to live with us. He is a pretty good and VERY bright child. He is bored here. He is ready for school and he needs other children his own age to play with and a good place to play. My home is not for little guys anymore and even with a play gym in the yard that I got for free and some of his own stuff here, it's not the same kind of environment he needs. I'm not trying to justify this decision; it's time. It just makes it easier for everyone if he thinks he's going to school and I know there will be trained and qualified people to watch him instead of the freaks his father brings home.
Does that fact that Adam is a loser and can't really take care of his children make me gleefully, vindictively happy??? NO, it makes me incredibly sad. We've done what we could. John, who should have a child because he'd make an excellent father, will have none because he is with me. This was as close as he came and he is going to miss that little guy with all his heart. BUT under no circumstances will I allow anyone to use us or cheat us or lie to us or disrupt our lives, if I can help it.
Then there's the education/job thing. John, Jessalin and I worked our bums off to finish some associate degrees and with the complications of bad economy, bad transportation and bad luck--none of us are finding a job that we can be proud of.
NO, I'm not moving out of state. I won't disrupt my child/children. Although there are other siblings to help out my parents when they become infirm, John's sisters live elsewhere and he expects to be the caretaker when his parents can no longer take care of themselves. Besides, as long as MOST of my children live here (MI-Detroit Metro area), I'm NOT going anywhere. There's more important things to consider when hunting for a job, but right now we are a little discouraged. John is always wishing that he didn't bail on college before for a quick fix job, and we both don't understand people who've blown off finishing their degrees when they had a chance, but we're set on the "slow, part-time, gotta pay our own bills because we're adults" type of education.
The saddest thing, we've both had to turn down full-paid offers to continue our educations. There's no way for even one of us to go while the other works and still be able to pay the bills but I feel really bad for John. I love my house, we're keeping Jacob in L'Anse Creuse school district, and helping Jessalin and Jordan to finish college/tech school. Even when keeping those things in mind, the light at the end of the tunnel seems very tiny and dim. In reality, Jacob has six more years in public school, Jessalin has two (or maybe more-if she goes part-time) for her bachelor degree and Jordan's tech program is for 16 months. I'm sure THAT will all sneak up on me when the time comes.
I'm hoping when the child is not here daily (I think I really forgot how much you DON'T get done with a little guy at home!), that I will be able to do more sewing for Sidhe_Cats and be able to make some decent cash on the side. I've got Johanna to kick my butt and that will help me get organized.
SO, another thing I am divesting myself of is sewing mooches. Cash upfront, no sewing jobs until the last one is paid for, do your own shopping for fabric, BUY THREAD for your project, etc. etc.
STUFF also is getting the best of me. I can't find things I know I have. I waste time looking for things. I can't finish projects because something is missing that I JUST had my hands on. I used to love the "rich" feeling that having all this stuff gave me NOW it makes me sad that I've wasted the money. It's taking WAY longer to "un-pack" than I could have imagined. I can't believe that all this stuff was just stacked up, boxed, ....whatever.... at the apartment. I'm trying to sort stuff down to what I really want to keep, display, sew, craft, dust and pay insurance on. It is overwhelming and I am so down on myself for having all this STUFF, not keeping it organized and not being able to finds things when I need them. I find myself just moving things from pile to pile. And, make no mistake, I am getting rid of things--lots of stuff--by e-Bay, free-cycle, Salvation army.
Anyway, John and I dumped some of my toys and some of our magic cards on a guy who owns a comic store to pay for our trip to Pennsic. I didn't spend household money on a vacation. THAT was a good feeling as I had one of the BEST times ever (and I NEVER got drunk either!!!). I was sorry to let go of only one thing. I won't push myself to let go of my STUFF like that again. It actually gave me some real anxiety but I keep reminding myself that it's just stuff. Also, when the old geezers (like me) are gone, no one will want the stuff I'm saving. It's only "collectible" at the right time. Maybe that's one of the things that is making me sad. My IMPORTANT stuff really is just stuff.
There's another stupid money thing that's making me.........well, it's hard to do anything or feel good about your life when you are in pain. I am surprised that I function sometimes and I am amazed at how people can deal with worse than this all the time.
My teeth are falling apart. We have no dental insurance. Sometimes, I am in a great deal of pain. It's affecting my sleep patterns. I keep hoping the latest tooth to bother me will just fall all the way out and I'll be done with it. No sooner does one stop hurting than another starts. John is worried. No over-the-counter stuff helps when it's really bad. I chew on the inside of my mouth to make the tooth pain go away. It makes me feel older than I usually do. Right now, my lottery dream has slipped to just enough money for a good van, pay off the house, and get us all to the dentist. No one else is having huge problems like me but they will if they don't get to a dentist.
The news, the political crap, the illegal war in Iraq, people talking about re-instating the draft...........I'm sick of it and yet I remain a news addict.
All in all, right now I feel like we're treading water. I'm too tired and in pain to lift myself up from the after-Pennsic summer's almost over SLUMP. If I can't get myself out of a funk, HOW am I going to help everyone else I care about??
Jessalin just got bad news on the job front. She's got her work study job at the college but was trying for a payroll one. She was pretty upset and I'm sure I didn't say the things I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I believe eventually she'll find someone who appreciates her worth. I want to tell her not to get down on herself. I want to tell her how MUCH I love her company. I want to tell her to be brave and upbeat and to love herself.
What I hate about how I feel is that I can't be the kind of person I want to be.
This will be a really bad winter if I don't buck up and deal. And, of course, it will be here faster than I think.
Tomorrow, I promise a good story or two.
Sorry.
LL
Didn't seem like it could be so already.
When I was a child, it seemed as if summer was practically OVER by my birthday. Now,(in case any readers don't know) my birthday is August 7th. When I was a child, we started thinking about back-to-school stuff around then. In fact, if I wanted something cool for school in my teens, I spent my own birthday money on it as there was not a lot of money for my mother to get 5 children ready for September. (We NEVER started school before Labor Day when I was growing up!) I am definitely having that HUGE feeling that my summer is over already. Pennsic is over, for goodness sake!
I know, it's the 21st and Labor Day IS almost here but this year it just feels really REALLY SAD. Not technical scientific summer--that's not over until Hobbit Day in September (yes, I'm BEHIND again in my summer reading!)The light is already noticeably going away. I have trouble with that. You know......SAD.......Seasonal Affective Disorder. And that's all some of this might be.
There's a couple of things that make me quietly sad; almost nothing I can really put my finger on.
I am still disturbed at the people who made NO acknowledgment at all to my child on the event of his high school graduation/18th birthday--and I'm just talking about a card or even an e-mail with an electronic "atta boy." I fuss so much over other people who bullshit me with how I am so important to them. Well, THIS was important to me.
HERE'S the point, when I have put myself out for other people--sewing, gifts, places to live, food for their faces, rides, emergency moves, WHATEVER--it came right out of my children's mouths, so to speak. My children did without--without EVER complaining so I could do for my "friends." I am slowing down a bit now and my energy will be conserved for my immediate family. The magic words, like a zen mantra: John......Jeremy.......Johanna......Jessalin......Jilliann......Jordan.....Jacob.
YES, I will get them tattooed on me before I'm dead.
One of the things I am divesting myself of at the end of August/summer is the small child (even if he has a J name, too!). Hopefully, he will go to pre-school and it will be a better transition for him than another freaky SCA slut girlfriend with personality problems that Adam brings into his life, and I can worry less about him. I have no faith that Adam will ever be a good father or a good man and I have to trust to the universe that we've done enough for Joey. At the same time, I will no longer be used and I do not care to have daily contact with a man who treats me like shit and is too busy worrying about his next sexual encounter to worry about whether his sons will have what they need. I divorced him for a reason.
Yes, he reads this but pretends he doesn't see it.
So, LOOK into that vasectomy, guy, like you said you would. You don't need to reproduce anymore. You can't take care of yourself let alone a couple children without free help from me and my family, or loans from your mommy.
Anyway, Joey WILL be going to pre-school according to Adam--even if he HAS to borrow the money. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I could just choke. Adam is a loser, and always will be. He waited until just yesterday to go apply for assistance. He couldn't find the place without calling here. He didn't spend 10 minutes on the whole thing. He's most likely waited too long. AND he could have had help for the last two years to make his child's life better but he was too much of a whiner and a baby to handle anything. His excuse? Oh no, I can't do anything because Cyrena might ask for custody. WELL, you know what? YOU LOST ME THERE FOREVER when you admitted that you told Heather #1 (who physically and verbally and emotionally abused your child) that you WOULD give Joey back to his mother JUST TO KEEP THAT LITTLE CRAZY NUTCASE #1 IN YOUR HOME so you could get laid.
Let me repeat that, in order to convince the first crazy Heather to stay with him, he offered to give Joey back to Cyrena, his mother. Like I said, it's all about his dick. His twelve-year old is more mature than he is. I have no respect for him and any sad single-father stories are all bullshit and designed to get something for him--not his child.
He is still "dating" crazy Heather #2, another tent tramp he picked up at an event. It doesn't matter that this woman is borderline personality disorder and breaks up with him every other week; he's still trying to get her to move in with him. Nice..........subject your children to another person who is either ADHD, in therapy, should be in therapy, dislikes small children or all of the above.
I am as worried for the child of his that's not mine as for the one that is.
BUT, Joey needs pre-school anyway--and I would still be a little wistful that the time has passed so quickly. He wasn't even two when he came to live with us. He is a pretty good and VERY bright child. He is bored here. He is ready for school and he needs other children his own age to play with and a good place to play. My home is not for little guys anymore and even with a play gym in the yard that I got for free and some of his own stuff here, it's not the same kind of environment he needs. I'm not trying to justify this decision; it's time. It just makes it easier for everyone if he thinks he's going to school and I know there will be trained and qualified people to watch him instead of the freaks his father brings home.
Does that fact that Adam is a loser and can't really take care of his children make me gleefully, vindictively happy??? NO, it makes me incredibly sad. We've done what we could. John, who should have a child because he'd make an excellent father, will have none because he is with me. This was as close as he came and he is going to miss that little guy with all his heart. BUT under no circumstances will I allow anyone to use us or cheat us or lie to us or disrupt our lives, if I can help it.
Then there's the education/job thing. John, Jessalin and I worked our bums off to finish some associate degrees and with the complications of bad economy, bad transportation and bad luck--none of us are finding a job that we can be proud of.
NO, I'm not moving out of state. I won't disrupt my child/children. Although there are other siblings to help out my parents when they become infirm, John's sisters live elsewhere and he expects to be the caretaker when his parents can no longer take care of themselves. Besides, as long as MOST of my children live here (MI-Detroit Metro area), I'm NOT going anywhere. There's more important things to consider when hunting for a job, but right now we are a little discouraged. John is always wishing that he didn't bail on college before for a quick fix job, and we both don't understand people who've blown off finishing their degrees when they had a chance, but we're set on the "slow, part-time, gotta pay our own bills because we're adults" type of education.
The saddest thing, we've both had to turn down full-paid offers to continue our educations. There's no way for even one of us to go while the other works and still be able to pay the bills but I feel really bad for John. I love my house, we're keeping Jacob in L'Anse Creuse school district, and helping Jessalin and Jordan to finish college/tech school. Even when keeping those things in mind, the light at the end of the tunnel seems very tiny and dim. In reality, Jacob has six more years in public school, Jessalin has two (or maybe more-if she goes part-time) for her bachelor degree and Jordan's tech program is for 16 months. I'm sure THAT will all sneak up on me when the time comes.
I'm hoping when the child is not here daily (I think I really forgot how much you DON'T get done with a little guy at home!), that I will be able to do more sewing for Sidhe_Cats and be able to make some decent cash on the side. I've got Johanna to kick my butt and that will help me get organized.
SO, another thing I am divesting myself of is sewing mooches. Cash upfront, no sewing jobs until the last one is paid for, do your own shopping for fabric, BUY THREAD for your project, etc. etc.
STUFF also is getting the best of me. I can't find things I know I have. I waste time looking for things. I can't finish projects because something is missing that I JUST had my hands on. I used to love the "rich" feeling that having all this stuff gave me NOW it makes me sad that I've wasted the money. It's taking WAY longer to "un-pack" than I could have imagined. I can't believe that all this stuff was just stacked up, boxed, ....whatever.... at the apartment. I'm trying to sort stuff down to what I really want to keep, display, sew, craft, dust and pay insurance on. It is overwhelming and I am so down on myself for having all this STUFF, not keeping it organized and not being able to finds things when I need them. I find myself just moving things from pile to pile. And, make no mistake, I am getting rid of things--lots of stuff--by e-Bay, free-cycle, Salvation army.
Anyway, John and I dumped some of my toys and some of our magic cards on a guy who owns a comic store to pay for our trip to Pennsic. I didn't spend household money on a vacation. THAT was a good feeling as I had one of the BEST times ever (and I NEVER got drunk either!!!). I was sorry to let go of only one thing. I won't push myself to let go of my STUFF like that again. It actually gave me some real anxiety but I keep reminding myself that it's just stuff. Also, when the old geezers (like me) are gone, no one will want the stuff I'm saving. It's only "collectible" at the right time. Maybe that's one of the things that is making me sad. My IMPORTANT stuff really is just stuff.
There's another stupid money thing that's making me.........well, it's hard to do anything or feel good about your life when you are in pain. I am surprised that I function sometimes and I am amazed at how people can deal with worse than this all the time.
My teeth are falling apart. We have no dental insurance. Sometimes, I am in a great deal of pain. It's affecting my sleep patterns. I keep hoping the latest tooth to bother me will just fall all the way out and I'll be done with it. No sooner does one stop hurting than another starts. John is worried. No over-the-counter stuff helps when it's really bad. I chew on the inside of my mouth to make the tooth pain go away. It makes me feel older than I usually do. Right now, my lottery dream has slipped to just enough money for a good van, pay off the house, and get us all to the dentist. No one else is having huge problems like me but they will if they don't get to a dentist.
The news, the political crap, the illegal war in Iraq, people talking about re-instating the draft...........I'm sick of it and yet I remain a news addict.
All in all, right now I feel like we're treading water. I'm too tired and in pain to lift myself up from the after-Pennsic summer's almost over SLUMP. If I can't get myself out of a funk, HOW am I going to help everyone else I care about??
Jessalin just got bad news on the job front. She's got her work study job at the college but was trying for a payroll one. She was pretty upset and I'm sure I didn't say the things I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I believe eventually she'll find someone who appreciates her worth. I want to tell her not to get down on herself. I want to tell her how MUCH I love her company. I want to tell her to be brave and upbeat and to love herself.
What I hate about how I feel is that I can't be the kind of person I want to be.
This will be a really bad winter if I don't buck up and deal. And, of course, it will be here faster than I think.
Tomorrow, I promise a good story or two.
Sorry.
LL