(no subject)
just had a really deep chat with harkin about religion and life and stuff. it was really nice to be able to talk about it.
fuck i think im growing up.
i dunno im really confused about the whole thing. i guess ill just assimilate the knowledge and stuff.
ever since i said to sandy im probably in the original hell cause i cant feel god, and he said you probably can, just dont know about it. then i thought hmmm perhaps this feeling is god. now i cant help but think of it as god and i dont like it. cause now i feel different and i feel like i have to be someone and i dont want to. gaaaaah.
on the plus side talked in length to sandy about everything and now i feel sooooooo much better about everything. i understand more, and thats what was upsetting me was not understanding. but now i understand, and i know more and i feel better.
and i could tell he was upset about something but he wudnt say as usual so i pressed him and hes afraid hes going to lose me.
which he most emphatically isnt cause i loves him muchly. and i love our relationship and i love being around him. he makes me feel better about me, and makes me a better person. i get up earlier for one lol. hes so much like me as well and i love it.
apparently when he went to manchester his mate phil asked about the pic of me and he said 'mate i think i've finally found a girl that understands me' and phil told him 'bloody hell hang on to her cause no1 else does!' he he.
but its nice to be able to share myself with someone. usually im afraid of letting anyone too far in cause i can be hurt a lot if anyone gets in. but i want him there. and im not in the least afraid. :)
fuck i think im growing up.
i dunno im really confused about the whole thing. i guess ill just assimilate the knowledge and stuff.
ever since i said to sandy im probably in the original hell cause i cant feel god, and he said you probably can, just dont know about it. then i thought hmmm perhaps this feeling is god. now i cant help but think of it as god and i dont like it. cause now i feel different and i feel like i have to be someone and i dont want to. gaaaaah.
on the plus side talked in length to sandy about everything and now i feel sooooooo much better about everything. i understand more, and thats what was upsetting me was not understanding. but now i understand, and i know more and i feel better.
and i could tell he was upset about something but he wudnt say as usual so i pressed him and hes afraid hes going to lose me.
which he most emphatically isnt cause i loves him muchly. and i love our relationship and i love being around him. he makes me feel better about me, and makes me a better person. i get up earlier for one lol. hes so much like me as well and i love it.
apparently when he went to manchester his mate phil asked about the pic of me and he said 'mate i think i've finally found a girl that understands me' and phil told him 'bloody hell hang on to her cause no1 else does!' he he.
but its nice to be able to share myself with someone. usually im afraid of letting anyone too far in cause i can be hurt a lot if anyone gets in. but i want him there. and im not in the least afraid. :)