Sleep to Dream......
It has been so long since i was able to sit down and type out my feeling about anything completely real. There are tidbits here and there.. little glimpses into my soul and the life aroung me.. but not much. I started to feel as If i was becomming unglued from myself. Imissed not being able to look back and see what I was feeling to make it more real.. more clear.
Life has been yet another rollercoaster.... Loss... Pain.. anger. In the short span of 2 months I have become a lover, a mother, a friend, a sister, a nurse and a killer. I have lost friends.. I have gained family.. I have let go of the past and grabbed ahold of my future. I am still not happy, but I am not sad either. I have reached a medium where the 2 simplest emotions have intertwined themselves and I cannot see either. What do i feel.?....Pain....Lust.....Longing.
Pain:.... is the dominant at this time.. it has been 7 days since i was gutted... i feel so ashamed that i was not responsible. I talk to so many people about the importance of being safe sexually. That even once without protection is enough to change your life completely. How much of an idiot could i have been?.. Giving my trust and letting lust override just to feel something different.
I felt nothing but embarrasment and pain and loss. I stil feel empty and all I really want is for him to come back and apologize and hug me in the way that we did when we were the best of friends. Do I need him in my life.. NO.. in fact I still pretty much dispise him. Call me crazy... call me fucking pathetic, but until you go through it you can lick my goddamn twat. I guess I just need to know that ... fuck i don't even know what i want to hear from him
Lust:.... I am beginning to desire once again.. I have been w/o Urban for a bit and I am ready to pick u where we left off.. We got a few things talked about and left the door open to restart when things got less crazy. I am for certain not letting things be the way they used to be.
I have another interest on the horizon. i was actually inspired by something that CORROSION said last week. So I have joined a lot of bbw sites, elists and the like. I love my body and I was so bummed that i was attracting and being attracted to men that were not apprciative to my form. So I am in wait.
Longing....... I will continue to long for my happiness. It will come soon... but for now.... I sleep
Life has been yet another rollercoaster.... Loss... Pain.. anger. In the short span of 2 months I have become a lover, a mother, a friend, a sister, a nurse and a killer. I have lost friends.. I have gained family.. I have let go of the past and grabbed ahold of my future. I am still not happy, but I am not sad either. I have reached a medium where the 2 simplest emotions have intertwined themselves and I cannot see either. What do i feel.?....Pain....Lust.....Longing.
Pain:.... is the dominant at this time.. it has been 7 days since i was gutted... i feel so ashamed that i was not responsible. I talk to so many people about the importance of being safe sexually. That even once without protection is enough to change your life completely. How much of an idiot could i have been?.. Giving my trust and letting lust override just to feel something different.
I felt nothing but embarrasment and pain and loss. I stil feel empty and all I really want is for him to come back and apologize and hug me in the way that we did when we were the best of friends. Do I need him in my life.. NO.. in fact I still pretty much dispise him. Call me crazy... call me fucking pathetic, but until you go through it you can lick my goddamn twat. I guess I just need to know that ... fuck i don't even know what i want to hear from him
Lust:.... I am beginning to desire once again.. I have been w/o Urban for a bit and I am ready to pick u where we left off.. We got a few things talked about and left the door open to restart when things got less crazy. I am for certain not letting things be the way they used to be.
I have another interest on the horizon. i was actually inspired by something that CORROSION said last week. So I have joined a lot of bbw sites, elists and the like. I love my body and I was so bummed that i was attracting and being attracted to men that were not apprciative to my form. So I am in wait.
Longing....... I will continue to long for my happiness. It will come soon... but for now.... I sleep