Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here
Why? Because I have and that is what this post it going to be mostly about. Me being hopeless and depressed. For the 3 other people who read this this post will be about me and how now that the manic phase is passing (is it?) I am not looking forward to the crash ahead. Because that is what happens after a high and the higher the high the harder the fall. I have gotten more done in the last 2 weeks than I have in the 2 years. No really… I was looking forward to riding the wave of manic through at least Archon, but alas I feel the impending fall already. My mind is turning against me as I type. The tears fall freely. Why is this so damn hard to get ahold of? Why the hell cant my Dr. just put me on the right medicine? Why does my mind always have to be against me? This damn disease has cost me more than I am willing to ever loose. I have lost countless friends, countless SO’s, countless jobs, and just plain countless. For you who are reading this who are in the know of my ways, rest assured I am not intending to harm myself… yet. I have made several promises to my children that I will never do that again. Damn it… So what option do I have left? Get better you say… I laugh, and I laugh hard. I am 40 soon to be 41 and have been in the psychiatric system for over 20 years. I have never been free of this misery and I doubt I ever will. The closest I came was when I had the ECT’s. But due to the memory loss, money and transportation issues that is not an option. I think of all those things the memory issue is the killer of the issue, the other two can be worked around. I already don’t remember Raven’s birth. I can no longer with any certainty say I haven’t seen or been to something or somewhere. I don’t know I might have and have been proven wrong in the past that yes indeed I did. I would hate to loose the last years I have with my mom… but then again I would. My councilor tells me it is unhealthy for me to be living with my mother. He tells me it is only making me worse. But what choice do I have? And just when I was getting some hope back it all comes crashing down tonight. What did it you ask? My sewing machine is not working. Yes something that simple. But its not just the machine but the following thought process that does it. One thought leads to the next and the next thing you know I’m crying and thinking of suicide. If it weren’t for all the damn pain… And life is nothing but pain for me. I don’t want to die… I just want all the damn pain to stop! If dying accomplishes this then that’s what I want. Wow, maybe I will have to take myself to the hospital tonight. I’m all packed. Did that a month or two ago. Just a few things to add to the bag and I’m all set to go. I will need a ride though. Hmmm… Sigh, I hate life. I hate MY life. Going to go to the hospital now.