The last four months in a few paragraphs
It's been a long time. Again. When I left off in May I was just starting on the Sertraline. Four months on and I am in a very different place.
A and I didn't get back together. I was devastated but the more time passes, the more I realise it was for the best and perhaps I should actually be thanking her for setting me free. If she hadn't, I know I would have gone back, hoping things would change, but knowing, in my heart of hearts, that they wouldn't.
I moved into my house in June. It's all I ever wanted in a house and I particularly love my garden. At one point the garden was clearly well looked after and cared for but during the last couple of years it has been allowed to run wild. I have spent many a happy and therapeutic hour outside, chopping things back and removing armfuls of bindweed and bramble!
So all the above, combined with the sertraline means that for the most part, I have been feeling pretty good. I've had low moments but not as low and not as long as previously. I'm not saying I'm cured, but I'm certainly feeling more positive.
I've also met someone else. I joined a dating site after A and I split. It was almost certainly too soon but I wanted to flirt and feel like someone wanted me again. I flirted a little with the hobbit when he came down to see me in June but then I held back. I knew I needed to work on me and I didn't want him to be a rebound thing. I'm glad I did as I didn't want to hurt him. I will always love him - I hope he knows that - and if I were ever to be with a man, it would be him. The problem is, I want and need a woman.
Which brings me onto JJ. She complains that I was hard to get a date out of and she was right. I was hurt, cautious, and not sure I was ready. When I met her, I liked her but struggled to know if there was a spark. It turns out that essentially, we were both waiting for the other to make the first move. I spent this weekend with her. It is like a breath of fresh air. I've really fallen for her which scares me but it feels so right.
So why should it scare me if it feels right? Because I'm waiting for it to go wrong. I'm waiting for me to mess it up. There is no crazy ex in her background (no ex at all) so my slightly jealous nature over a partners first love plays no part. But I have an ex. I have two/three. And the problems of two of those relationships still haunt me mentally and physically. One physical issue has led to an embarrassing conversation or two already and I'm worried that I am going to be the one freaking her out with my past.
I know I'm a worrier. I should just enjoy the relationship and live for the moment. I want to be happy but the moment that seems on the cards, I seem push it away, harder than ever before. I don't want that this time. I really don't.
A and I didn't get back together. I was devastated but the more time passes, the more I realise it was for the best and perhaps I should actually be thanking her for setting me free. If she hadn't, I know I would have gone back, hoping things would change, but knowing, in my heart of hearts, that they wouldn't.
I moved into my house in June. It's all I ever wanted in a house and I particularly love my garden. At one point the garden was clearly well looked after and cared for but during the last couple of years it has been allowed to run wild. I have spent many a happy and therapeutic hour outside, chopping things back and removing armfuls of bindweed and bramble!
So all the above, combined with the sertraline means that for the most part, I have been feeling pretty good. I've had low moments but not as low and not as long as previously. I'm not saying I'm cured, but I'm certainly feeling more positive.
I've also met someone else. I joined a dating site after A and I split. It was almost certainly too soon but I wanted to flirt and feel like someone wanted me again. I flirted a little with the hobbit when he came down to see me in June but then I held back. I knew I needed to work on me and I didn't want him to be a rebound thing. I'm glad I did as I didn't want to hurt him. I will always love him - I hope he knows that - and if I were ever to be with a man, it would be him. The problem is, I want and need a woman.
Which brings me onto JJ. She complains that I was hard to get a date out of and she was right. I was hurt, cautious, and not sure I was ready. When I met her, I liked her but struggled to know if there was a spark. It turns out that essentially, we were both waiting for the other to make the first move. I spent this weekend with her. It is like a breath of fresh air. I've really fallen for her which scares me but it feels so right.
So why should it scare me if it feels right? Because I'm waiting for it to go wrong. I'm waiting for me to mess it up. There is no crazy ex in her background (no ex at all) so my slightly jealous nature over a partners first love plays no part. But I have an ex. I have two/three. And the problems of two of those relationships still haunt me mentally and physically. One physical issue has led to an embarrassing conversation or two already and I'm worried that I am going to be the one freaking her out with my past.
I know I'm a worrier. I should just enjoy the relationship and live for the moment. I want to be happy but the moment that seems on the cards, I seem push it away, harder than ever before. I don't want that this time. I really don't.