School Almost Over
Well, as a starting point, I failed my math exam. As I knew I would. Five minutes before it was over I had put myself into such a panic that I was frequently (though subtely) ripping at my hair and I could feel the tears about to flow. So, I handed it in with only one of the three word problems completed. I really hate math. Though, if it was a person I would probably not hate him/her all that much, I would just do my best to avoid him/her at all cost. I feel like I've been thinking in one way for so long (magic, fantasies, things that are not apart of the world's reality but became apart of mine so that I could guard myself) that I've lost the ability to think in any other manner. I just don't understand math. I can't see how math is apart of our lives. I know that it's very important and I understand how it is apart of life and why it is so significant, but visuals are very important to me and necessary in comprehension -- I just can't see it. When I think of numbers I don't understand how they fit in, what they do, how I can manipulate them to either solve or simplify the problem. I can solve math problems, sure, but only if they don't require any thinking and only if I've seen them before. I don't understand the structure of math. Oftentimes when I'm trying to figure something out, I actually visualize a black abyss in my head into which a number line leads. Sounds cheesy and stupid, I know, but I that's how I see it. Otherwise, I don't see anything. I just feel so stupid.
Same for piano. After my math final my mom decides that I really need an extra half hour for piano lesson -- great. She saw me break down last week after piano lesson...actually, no, she didn't. After last week's piano lesson I immediately walked away so that I wouldn't cry in front of my piano teacher and went to my room to break down. Although ordinarily Mom would have followed me and mixed comforting words along with the usual compliments (not my favorite thing, compliments...) and reprimends (not my favorite either, but then, apparently I have an authority issue), this time she sat and talked with Hidemi, my piano teacher, for a half hour. I didn't really mind, but I guess having not talked to her about it allowed her the ignorance of not understanding how I felt. It's sort of like when I was five or so and had a swimming teacher who thought that the best way to learn how to swim was to be immersed over your level -- sort of like the new foreign language teaching program. Unfortunately, for swimming it meant that she held me, who at that time was far too short to stand on the bottom of the deep end of the pool with my head still above the water, and periodically thrust me under the water and held me there for about five to ten seconds before letting me up. I don't know how much I've exaggerated this through memory, but I remember pleading with her to stop and how she wasn't exactly cruel about it, but even so continued to dunk me again and again while my mom just watched from outside of the pool. I guess the method sort of worked because I feel just as comfortable in the water as on land now...but still. And going back to the piano lessons, today I was taking the piano lesson earlier because usually my brother and I have lessons one after the other, but today Mom decided that Nathaniel needed an extra half hour so that he could brush up on his recital piece. I didn't care, really, because I knew that I probably wouldn't find anyone to hang out with anyway and I could come home and laze about before the lesson. Then Hidemi comes and as I'm following Mom into the livingroom, I keep repeating to my mom "Only a half an hour", "Only an half an hour", "PROMISE!" and I feel like she's leading me to a nurse for a shot. Then I'm sitting at the piano bench and basically Hidemi and Mom exchange evil glances and Mom runs out of the livingroom and into her office before I can say another word. So I'm stuck with an hour lesson.
It's not that I don't like Hidemi, it's just that I feel so obscenely slow and idiotic when I'm playing the piano. I can't remember any notes, I sound awful, and then when Mom comes in Hidemi and she exchange gushing words about how good I am and how jealous Mom is of my grace -- bullshit. I feel like an elephant on wheels who persistently tries to play the piano for two bystanders who apparently care a whole lot about whether or not I play. When I talked (yet again) to my mom about skipping the recital if not qutting the piano all together she says to me "But Dad loves to hear you play, he cries whenever he does out of joy." thus sending me into a major guilt trip. I don't think I've ever played the piano for myself and I've never enjoyed playing the damned instrument unless I was in the most peculiar of circumstances. Plus, I feel like I'm wasting Hidemi's time during our lessons and that Hidemi's both bored and frustrated that I'm so dumb. Her favorite lines to get me to work now include comments about how my brain's so small that I clearly cannot remember notes and how I shouldn't do this and this because my brain's too small and she doesn't expect this because my brain's too small...I know she's a nice person and she means well, but comments like those have a tendency to stick to me like barbed wire even as I tell them that they don't matter to me and that's it's foolish to care. And then I start thinking about math. And then I start thinking about the piano again. Today instead of trying not to cry, I ended up banging away at the piano (an action that Mom and Hidemi usually warn me against) repeating sections of my piece over and over and over again without stop and all completely in the wrong order. It was horrendous. And Mom and Hidemi just laughed, smiled, and joked about it. Neither of them even yelled at me for possibly damaging the piano. Mom even applauded when I at last stopped.
I just can't stand being so STUPID about piano and math. And Hidemi keeps talking about how it's so good for college, etc, etc, and I just want to ask if there's anything that's just as important as the piano. Maybe it's just my thing, right? But no, instead of dealing with my honestly both Mom and Hidemi throw random encouragement at me and then drive me into insanity as they attempt to get my brain to move. Mom is constantly ragging at me about how I should be really, really good at math, and Hidemi not only encourages me by giving compliments to my face and giving compliments to my mom, but also by insulting me. I don't know what I should believe. I think at this point I hate compliments because I have two prime examples of how compliments can feel so utterly fake and I don't feel like I can trust anything but insults.
And that ends that rant. Onto the next.
Come home, completely and utterly bored (excepting the piano lesson, of course). Then I realized that not only am I bored, but I also have work to do that isn't a part of school. Damn.
And I really wanted to get into that, but I wasted enough time talking about math and piano lessons. So, I have to go and finish at least one piece of work. Buh-bye!
-Katherine Chillingworth-
Same for piano. After my math final my mom decides that I really need an extra half hour for piano lesson -- great. She saw me break down last week after piano lesson...actually, no, she didn't. After last week's piano lesson I immediately walked away so that I wouldn't cry in front of my piano teacher and went to my room to break down. Although ordinarily Mom would have followed me and mixed comforting words along with the usual compliments (not my favorite thing, compliments...) and reprimends (not my favorite either, but then, apparently I have an authority issue), this time she sat and talked with Hidemi, my piano teacher, for a half hour. I didn't really mind, but I guess having not talked to her about it allowed her the ignorance of not understanding how I felt. It's sort of like when I was five or so and had a swimming teacher who thought that the best way to learn how to swim was to be immersed over your level -- sort of like the new foreign language teaching program. Unfortunately, for swimming it meant that she held me, who at that time was far too short to stand on the bottom of the deep end of the pool with my head still above the water, and periodically thrust me under the water and held me there for about five to ten seconds before letting me up. I don't know how much I've exaggerated this through memory, but I remember pleading with her to stop and how she wasn't exactly cruel about it, but even so continued to dunk me again and again while my mom just watched from outside of the pool. I guess the method sort of worked because I feel just as comfortable in the water as on land now...but still. And going back to the piano lessons, today I was taking the piano lesson earlier because usually my brother and I have lessons one after the other, but today Mom decided that Nathaniel needed an extra half hour so that he could brush up on his recital piece. I didn't care, really, because I knew that I probably wouldn't find anyone to hang out with anyway and I could come home and laze about before the lesson. Then Hidemi comes and as I'm following Mom into the livingroom, I keep repeating to my mom "Only a half an hour", "Only an half an hour", "PROMISE!" and I feel like she's leading me to a nurse for a shot. Then I'm sitting at the piano bench and basically Hidemi and Mom exchange evil glances and Mom runs out of the livingroom and into her office before I can say another word. So I'm stuck with an hour lesson.
It's not that I don't like Hidemi, it's just that I feel so obscenely slow and idiotic when I'm playing the piano. I can't remember any notes, I sound awful, and then when Mom comes in Hidemi and she exchange gushing words about how good I am and how jealous Mom is of my grace -- bullshit. I feel like an elephant on wheels who persistently tries to play the piano for two bystanders who apparently care a whole lot about whether or not I play. When I talked (yet again) to my mom about skipping the recital if not qutting the piano all together she says to me "But Dad loves to hear you play, he cries whenever he does out of joy." thus sending me into a major guilt trip. I don't think I've ever played the piano for myself and I've never enjoyed playing the damned instrument unless I was in the most peculiar of circumstances. Plus, I feel like I'm wasting Hidemi's time during our lessons and that Hidemi's both bored and frustrated that I'm so dumb. Her favorite lines to get me to work now include comments about how my brain's so small that I clearly cannot remember notes and how I shouldn't do this and this because my brain's too small and she doesn't expect this because my brain's too small...I know she's a nice person and she means well, but comments like those have a tendency to stick to me like barbed wire even as I tell them that they don't matter to me and that's it's foolish to care. And then I start thinking about math. And then I start thinking about the piano again. Today instead of trying not to cry, I ended up banging away at the piano (an action that Mom and Hidemi usually warn me against) repeating sections of my piece over and over and over again without stop and all completely in the wrong order. It was horrendous. And Mom and Hidemi just laughed, smiled, and joked about it. Neither of them even yelled at me for possibly damaging the piano. Mom even applauded when I at last stopped.
I just can't stand being so STUPID about piano and math. And Hidemi keeps talking about how it's so good for college, etc, etc, and I just want to ask if there's anything that's just as important as the piano. Maybe it's just my thing, right? But no, instead of dealing with my honestly both Mom and Hidemi throw random encouragement at me and then drive me into insanity as they attempt to get my brain to move. Mom is constantly ragging at me about how I should be really, really good at math, and Hidemi not only encourages me by giving compliments to my face and giving compliments to my mom, but also by insulting me. I don't know what I should believe. I think at this point I hate compliments because I have two prime examples of how compliments can feel so utterly fake and I don't feel like I can trust anything but insults.
And that ends that rant. Onto the next.
Come home, completely and utterly bored (excepting the piano lesson, of course). Then I realized that not only am I bored, but I also have work to do that isn't a part of school. Damn.
And I really wanted to get into that, but I wasted enough time talking about math and piano lessons. So, I have to go and finish at least one piece of work. Buh-bye!
-Katherine Chillingworth-