"My Shallow Heart..."
I'm two seconds from snapping, and nothing seems to be stopping.
Mom was rushed down to the Emergency room at the hospital she works at Tuesday night, after which she was promptly admitted. My dad got the call at 4 am on Wednesday, and stayed home--of course, I thought it was because my dog had died. He hadn't yet, but is close enough.
...nope, it was Mom with chest pains and a heart rate of 170 beats per minute (normal is about 60-80 tops). So yeah...didn't find out about that until Wednesday afternoon, which kinda put a damper on my AP Couth night. She has heart problems from both sides of her family, and needs another surgery. Other than that, I can't give much of an update on her. Why? Because we don't know a damned thing. And did I mention I'm as worried as all hell? Fucking. Fabulous.
I give my dog two to three days left to live. He's getting slower, not waking up much anymore, and sometimes he just stops breathing for a few minutes. He can't see, he falls down the stairs all the time. We have to carry him everywhere, and then there are hours at a time where he just cries because he's in so much pain.
What kills me the most?
He tries. My Golden tries so damn hard anyways to keep up, but his body isn't of the same mind. Coming home to hear him try to make it down the stairs to greet you, and fall, then struggle up and limp over to come to sniff you because his eyes no longer see, is just too much. The slow wag of his tail makes me smile, but want to cry. I know he hurts, I know he's miserable and he won't give up on his own but putting him to sleep is such a horrifying thought that I can't help but want nothing to do with it.
I'm selfish, I'm sorry. Tripping over the same silly golden retriever for 12 years of your life because he sleeps at the most inappropriate place at the side of your bed, and then having to take him to the vet only to say your final goodbyes and watch him take his last breath because of the lethal injection YOU agreed to...and then leave with the empty leash hanging in your hand which you know you won't need anymore...
And the guilt. Oh my fucking God, that damned guilt.
The guilt you feel when it's 3 in the morning and you have a test the next day, but you can't sleep b/c the dog is crying---and you get frustrated. You're angry, and you say things you don't mean to him just begging him to shut up...and it's not his fault. He can't control it. Then you storm off to bed in a huff, wishing he'd just get it over with and die already...
...but I don't mean it...
....I'm so so sorry....
....and I love him like no other....
Yet still, here I am, getting mad when I have no right to. If anyone has a right to be mad, its my Barney-dog at me. He should be mad at me for all the times I get irritated with him when he cries, or for being selfish and not taking him in so he can finally be put out of his misery because I'm too afraid to let go. For all those times I've lost my temper and told him to go away, or been too embarressed to have him around even though he's never once been embarressed or wanted to get rid of me.
He gives me unconditional love and great childhood memories...
...but what have I given back?
Shame? Smiles and praise with strings attached? Anger and resentment? Selfishness?
Don't get me wrong, I love my puppy dearly and we've had some awesome bonding experiences...but with what I've shown and how I've acted, the person it would mean the most to I don't think knows. And it's too late.
To my Puppy:
I'm sorry Barney. I'll never have enough time or be able to prove that to you, and it's my fault. My fault for wasting the time we had, and for not truely appreciating you until now, when our time together is nearly spent. I'd be amazed if you could ever find it in you to forgive me, and know that I love you. Thank you for all the time you've invested in our family, the endless joy you brought us, never once demanding or expecting anything in return, and for the patience you never ran out of no matter what the situation. Thank you for just being you. If there even is such a thing as Eternal Happiness and the Afterlife, you deserve the best either can offer.
...I'm just sorry I was never worthy of being your owner and friend...
Speaking of things I'm not worthy of, I owe an apology to my friends.
I haven't been there for any of you as I should, and for this I'm so incredibly sorry. I've been too wrapped up in my own stupid problems to even look around me and be there for you when you need it.
To Taylor and Jenna especially, who have made it as plain as day for me but I was too fucking blind and stupid to be a half-way decent friend and at least call.
I'm truely sorry, and I promise a change. Just give me a little time, and be patient when I mess up. I tend to do that a lot nowadays...
...
I feel a bit better now that all that is off my chest. Let's finish with some lyrics:
"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everythings all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk away!
Mom was rushed down to the Emergency room at the hospital she works at Tuesday night, after which she was promptly admitted. My dad got the call at 4 am on Wednesday, and stayed home--of course, I thought it was because my dog had died. He hadn't yet, but is close enough.
...nope, it was Mom with chest pains and a heart rate of 170 beats per minute (normal is about 60-80 tops). So yeah...didn't find out about that until Wednesday afternoon, which kinda put a damper on my AP Couth night. She has heart problems from both sides of her family, and needs another surgery. Other than that, I can't give much of an update on her. Why? Because we don't know a damned thing. And did I mention I'm as worried as all hell? Fucking. Fabulous.
I give my dog two to three days left to live. He's getting slower, not waking up much anymore, and sometimes he just stops breathing for a few minutes. He can't see, he falls down the stairs all the time. We have to carry him everywhere, and then there are hours at a time where he just cries because he's in so much pain.
What kills me the most?
He tries. My Golden tries so damn hard anyways to keep up, but his body isn't of the same mind. Coming home to hear him try to make it down the stairs to greet you, and fall, then struggle up and limp over to come to sniff you because his eyes no longer see, is just too much. The slow wag of his tail makes me smile, but want to cry. I know he hurts, I know he's miserable and he won't give up on his own but putting him to sleep is such a horrifying thought that I can't help but want nothing to do with it.
I'm selfish, I'm sorry. Tripping over the same silly golden retriever for 12 years of your life because he sleeps at the most inappropriate place at the side of your bed, and then having to take him to the vet only to say your final goodbyes and watch him take his last breath because of the lethal injection YOU agreed to...and then leave with the empty leash hanging in your hand which you know you won't need anymore...
And the guilt. Oh my fucking God, that damned guilt.
The guilt you feel when it's 3 in the morning and you have a test the next day, but you can't sleep b/c the dog is crying---and you get frustrated. You're angry, and you say things you don't mean to him just begging him to shut up...and it's not his fault. He can't control it. Then you storm off to bed in a huff, wishing he'd just get it over with and die already...
...but I don't mean it...
....I'm so so sorry....
....and I love him like no other....
Yet still, here I am, getting mad when I have no right to. If anyone has a right to be mad, its my Barney-dog at me. He should be mad at me for all the times I get irritated with him when he cries, or for being selfish and not taking him in so he can finally be put out of his misery because I'm too afraid to let go. For all those times I've lost my temper and told him to go away, or been too embarressed to have him around even though he's never once been embarressed or wanted to get rid of me.
He gives me unconditional love and great childhood memories...
...but what have I given back?
Shame? Smiles and praise with strings attached? Anger and resentment? Selfishness?
Don't get me wrong, I love my puppy dearly and we've had some awesome bonding experiences...but with what I've shown and how I've acted, the person it would mean the most to I don't think knows. And it's too late.
To my Puppy:
I'm sorry Barney. I'll never have enough time or be able to prove that to you, and it's my fault. My fault for wasting the time we had, and for not truely appreciating you until now, when our time together is nearly spent. I'd be amazed if you could ever find it in you to forgive me, and know that I love you. Thank you for all the time you've invested in our family, the endless joy you brought us, never once demanding or expecting anything in return, and for the patience you never ran out of no matter what the situation. Thank you for just being you. If there even is such a thing as Eternal Happiness and the Afterlife, you deserve the best either can offer.
...I'm just sorry I was never worthy of being your owner and friend...
Speaking of things I'm not worthy of, I owe an apology to my friends.
I haven't been there for any of you as I should, and for this I'm so incredibly sorry. I've been too wrapped up in my own stupid problems to even look around me and be there for you when you need it.
To Taylor and Jenna especially, who have made it as plain as day for me but I was too fucking blind and stupid to be a half-way decent friend and at least call.
I'm truely sorry, and I promise a change. Just give me a little time, and be patient when I mess up. I tend to do that a lot nowadays...
...
I feel a bit better now that all that is off my chest. Let's finish with some lyrics:
"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everythings all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk away!