today fucking sucks
i got a call from my mom when i woke up this morning telling me that my grandma's heart had stopped and that she was in the emergency room. so i called my boss and totally failed to keep my shit together on the phone and he told me no problem, take the day off. i took a bus down to the hospital where i alternately spent my time holding my barely responsive grandma's hand and minding my nephew out in the waiting room.
this would be enough for anyone right? watching a family member thinking that every breath she takes could be her last?
i find out also that my aunt has leukemia and my cousin has lymphoma. who in my family hasn't had cancer at this point? my father and mother. me and my sis and one of our cousins. that's it.
my life is already full of constant pain and stress (bodily and work related, in that order), i don't have an appetite any more and occasionally i find myself asking, "so what's the fucking point then?" but we just keep going. i don't want to die but i want things to get better. i love my grandma and i know that death is terrifying but she's in so much pain and so tired and she's barely there. i don't know how things could get better for her at 96.
i want so badly to believe that there is an afterlife when life is this hard, and so much harder for others. when brilliant people who should live forever die, or are driven to suicide. existence seems unbearably unkind and unfeeling... which it is. i know this and i have embraced an indifferent universe as my philosophy, but that doesn't mean i like it.
on her way out my mom hugged me and whispered "i know it's not what you believe, but it's all part of His plan. things will work out." and I replied with "and when bad things happen that's all part of the plan too, huh? for an all-powerful being he sure is a dick."
we agree to disagree.
and now joel is stuck working a 16-hour shift because his workplace sucks and i am all alone and desperately needing to cry or grieve or something but i don't know how to un-compartmentalize.
it's times like this i wish i had more close friends in the city.
this would be enough for anyone right? watching a family member thinking that every breath she takes could be her last?
i find out also that my aunt has leukemia and my cousin has lymphoma. who in my family hasn't had cancer at this point? my father and mother. me and my sis and one of our cousins. that's it.
my life is already full of constant pain and stress (bodily and work related, in that order), i don't have an appetite any more and occasionally i find myself asking, "so what's the fucking point then?" but we just keep going. i don't want to die but i want things to get better. i love my grandma and i know that death is terrifying but she's in so much pain and so tired and she's barely there. i don't know how things could get better for her at 96.
i want so badly to believe that there is an afterlife when life is this hard, and so much harder for others. when brilliant people who should live forever die, or are driven to suicide. existence seems unbearably unkind and unfeeling... which it is. i know this and i have embraced an indifferent universe as my philosophy, but that doesn't mean i like it.
on her way out my mom hugged me and whispered "i know it's not what you believe, but it's all part of His plan. things will work out." and I replied with "and when bad things happen that's all part of the plan too, huh? for an all-powerful being he sure is a dick."
we agree to disagree.
and now joel is stuck working a 16-hour shift because his workplace sucks and i am all alone and desperately needing to cry or grieve or something but i don't know how to un-compartmentalize.
it's times like this i wish i had more close friends in the city.