My Experience With Depression (AKA The Insidious Little Beast)
Most, if not all of the descriptions I see of someone's experience with depression are major depression... Where they lose functionality, they contemplate suicide, their lives tailspin.
This has not been my experience.
I suffer from depression. There's no doubt of that. Yet mine is low grade. Insidious. Sneaky. Subtle.
My brand of depression is called dysthymia. It's chronic. It's not brought about by things, stress, events. It just is.
For a very long time, I've held it at bay with a low dose of Bupropion (generic Wellbutrin). I was doing so well that a year or two ago, I even reduced my dosage by half.
I recently realized that I should probably bump it back up.
What made me realize this? Not suicidal thoughts. Not the inability to make myself do things, or function normally. Not even a pervasive sadness.
What made me realize it was me thinking to myself that I didn't enjoy an activity that I've enjoyed immensely for a long time. Me thinking that it might be better to just stay home rather than go out and do it. Despite knowing that I do truly enjoy it. And me being self aware enough to realize that was odd.
I've been withdrawing from friends. I've been feeling as though they didn't like me anymore. I've been feeling like we just didn't click, through no fault of anyone... Just.. It was time. And I was alone again.
This was how I spend my childhood. My teen years. Even some college. I was outside looking in. Feeling disconnected. Alone.
Not worthless. Not suicidal by any stretch. I was functional, I had fun. I did things and had friends. But everything was just a little grey. I never cried myself to sleep, but I did lie there at night wondering if I'd ever fit. Wondering if people would care if I just disappeared.
I never felt like it was my fault. Never thought I was worthless. But I didn't really believe that anyone else could see it. And if they can't see it, then why would they care if I was around or not?
To an extent, that type of thing is normal. Everyone thinks something similar occasionally. But that is where I lived. That WAS MY LIFE.
Until I was diagnosed and started taking meds.... And then, suddenly that grey tint over everything was gone. And I realized that LIVING THERE IS NOT NORMAL. Visiting on occasion is. Constant residence isn't.
I'm lucky. I don't suffer major depression.
Yet, I DO suffer from depression. And I don't think I've ever seen an account of this particular brand. So I'm putting this out here. Because if that grey place is where you live? You should see if you can get help. It's not healthy. Sure, you're not likely to off yourself. But I'm here to tell you, seeing the world without that filter is lovely. And I don't want to live behind it again. Neither should you.
You may have to search for a medication that works for you. You may have to try more than one... I did. I found one thats side effects were negligible and acceptable. Don't give up.
And get help. It's so worth it.