But tonight, you're on my mind.
Been doing a fair bit of thinking. And it's not been pretty.
Thank you to Marc, Nat, & Mark, who have been fantastic of late. Though, granted, it's hard to imagine a more disparate group of individuals.
So... basics. Please bear in mind I'm having trouble getting this down in words. Not sure if Jonathan & I are having problems, or I just feel odd because of the distance thing. Shall talk to him when I have alone-ish time, & my voice back. And I have a crush on someone. Which is thankfully dealt with, but might come up again in the fall. Feeling oddly desperate for love, & physical demonstrations thereof, but also I feel incredibly content when I'm out walking by myself. Only outside, though. Or at the gym. Being by myself, in the house, is... incredibly depressing. It's not the house, but just being. I don't get it.
Went to York. Usually this makes me feel awesome. But it didn't. Pretty much from the minute I got there I felt I shouldn't have come. Matty was good, initially, but then we went to Queen Street. And I didn't get to browse, really. Just went to The Friendly Stranger so they could buy bongs. (Though Matty's pipe is pretty sweet.) The rest of the four days there was substance abuse. Either pot or booze. I, of course, can abuse neither. So that sucked. And SO much poker it made me sick. Luke, at least, doesn't get high, so we had a couple nice talks. Accidentally kicked Matty out of his bed one night, 'cause we were falling asleep & Matty left to get high, then decided to sleep elsewhere. Whatever. Spent the weekend cleaning, basically, because I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO. Cooked, too. Which were both fine, as far as they went, but I'd have liked a bit more 'thank you's from everyone. Got so bad in my head I went nuts on Thursday. Completely. I just... lost it. Locked myself in Matty's room for an hour, crying & screaming & hyperventilating. Matty knocked, twice, let him in the second time. Hid behind the door. Good Matty, didn't stand for that, so cuddled me & started me feeling better. Then Dan came in to call his (ex)gf who lives at his house, missed the cue in 'dark room + Heather curled into ball + Matty saying 'not now man''. So I left. Matty came after me, but I went down an extra flight of stairs & he missed me at first. Anyway, came to talk to me again. Unfortunately said all the wrong things, pushed at me instead of holding me. I got more & more angry, to the point where I snapped & grabbed him by the shirt & shook him. I wanted to palm strike him in the nose & slam his head on the concrete block wall. For all you readers out there, I fucking LOVE Matty. I don't DO that to him. So relieved I stopped myself. Anyway, after that, I left. This is Jane & Finch area, at 2 A.M. on pub night, & I'm in summer skirt, tank & stocking feet. No coat. Raining. Cold. Etc. Wandering around until my stockings are shredded & I'm totally numb. So upset I threw up, then cried a lot, then threw rocks at pretty much everything. Went back to Calumet. Upstairs, took off my torn shirt & threw out my stockings, then went into the living room & sat. Sniped at everyone. Yeah, the bitch came out. Poor drunk boys were totally panicked & utterly lost. Told (not threatened, told) Luke that if he did one more thing I'd break a plate over his head. Talked about barbecuing Evan's hand. Just generally as nasty as I want to be. No-one knew what to do except Matty, who I explained things too when I came back. So he just sat there petting me. Luke, at least, had the presence of mind to apologize for clearly pissing me off. Only reason I cheered up was Drunk!Evan. Who is just so damn cute. So was okay by the time I went to bed.
Being alone is sucking. A lot. I don't even know why. I just get so overwhelmed with everything. Being around a group isn't helping either. It feels claustrophobic. And overbearing. And ... everything. Makes me crazy. Desperate. Unhinged. And it won't stop. I need either a weekend by myself in a preserve somewhere, or a weekend where I get constant love. Neither is exactly forthcoming.
I am so fucked.
*headdesk*
Thank you to Marc, Nat, & Mark, who have been fantastic of late. Though, granted, it's hard to imagine a more disparate group of individuals.
So... basics. Please bear in mind I'm having trouble getting this down in words. Not sure if Jonathan & I are having problems, or I just feel odd because of the distance thing. Shall talk to him when I have alone-ish time, & my voice back. And I have a crush on someone. Which is thankfully dealt with, but might come up again in the fall. Feeling oddly desperate for love, & physical demonstrations thereof, but also I feel incredibly content when I'm out walking by myself. Only outside, though. Or at the gym. Being by myself, in the house, is... incredibly depressing. It's not the house, but just being. I don't get it.
Went to York. Usually this makes me feel awesome. But it didn't. Pretty much from the minute I got there I felt I shouldn't have come. Matty was good, initially, but then we went to Queen Street. And I didn't get to browse, really. Just went to The Friendly Stranger so they could buy bongs. (Though Matty's pipe is pretty sweet.) The rest of the four days there was substance abuse. Either pot or booze. I, of course, can abuse neither. So that sucked. And SO much poker it made me sick. Luke, at least, doesn't get high, so we had a couple nice talks. Accidentally kicked Matty out of his bed one night, 'cause we were falling asleep & Matty left to get high, then decided to sleep elsewhere. Whatever. Spent the weekend cleaning, basically, because I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO. Cooked, too. Which were both fine, as far as they went, but I'd have liked a bit more 'thank you's from everyone. Got so bad in my head I went nuts on Thursday. Completely. I just... lost it. Locked myself in Matty's room for an hour, crying & screaming & hyperventilating. Matty knocked, twice, let him in the second time. Hid behind the door. Good Matty, didn't stand for that, so cuddled me & started me feeling better. Then Dan came in to call his (ex)gf who lives at his house, missed the cue in 'dark room + Heather curled into ball + Matty saying 'not now man''. So I left. Matty came after me, but I went down an extra flight of stairs & he missed me at first. Anyway, came to talk to me again. Unfortunately said all the wrong things, pushed at me instead of holding me. I got more & more angry, to the point where I snapped & grabbed him by the shirt & shook him. I wanted to palm strike him in the nose & slam his head on the concrete block wall. For all you readers out there, I fucking LOVE Matty. I don't DO that to him. So relieved I stopped myself. Anyway, after that, I left. This is Jane & Finch area, at 2 A.M. on pub night, & I'm in summer skirt, tank & stocking feet. No coat. Raining. Cold. Etc. Wandering around until my stockings are shredded & I'm totally numb. So upset I threw up, then cried a lot, then threw rocks at pretty much everything. Went back to Calumet. Upstairs, took off my torn shirt & threw out my stockings, then went into the living room & sat. Sniped at everyone. Yeah, the bitch came out. Poor drunk boys were totally panicked & utterly lost. Told (not threatened, told) Luke that if he did one more thing I'd break a plate over his head. Talked about barbecuing Evan's hand. Just generally as nasty as I want to be. No-one knew what to do except Matty, who I explained things too when I came back. So he just sat there petting me. Luke, at least, had the presence of mind to apologize for clearly pissing me off. Only reason I cheered up was Drunk!Evan. Who is just so damn cute. So was okay by the time I went to bed.
Being alone is sucking. A lot. I don't even know why. I just get so overwhelmed with everything. Being around a group isn't helping either. It feels claustrophobic. And overbearing. And ... everything. Makes me crazy. Desperate. Unhinged. And it won't stop. I need either a weekend by myself in a preserve somewhere, or a weekend where I get constant love. Neither is exactly forthcoming.
I am so fucked.
*headdesk*