for noreen
ok well i was thinking of that talk i had with noreen. and i hope she is reading this cause i'm posting it for her. every once in a while i hear a song that just totally and completely brings me to my knees. this song did that to me. back when i was so depressed i couldn't see straight. back when i was in such a dark place i couldn't breathe. i heard this song in the car on my way to a friends house. i was going because i had told them i would. but i hurt so much inside, all i wanted to do was crawl into a whole and dissappear, i almost skipped the movie night and just went to my pastors house and knocked on his door. and i would have too if they hadn't called to tell me they were waiting for me. i just didn't have the strength to tell them i couldn't make it. i couldn't let them down that way. these were my kids. my youth group, my siblings and my children in some ways. so i went. but on the way i heard this song. and i just started to cry, uncontrollably. i had to pull over to the side of the road or i would have had a car accident. it wasn't until that moment that i realised what i was doing. and God just grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. and i woke up. and for that i will forever love Todd Agnew.
Still Here Waiting
by Todd Agnew
It's cold outside
Or is that just the chill I feel inside from standing here
Steeping in my shame
I can't deny
I'm surrounded by the very thing You freed me from
That's why I can't come home
I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting
I fail to see
Why You'd still be waiting to forgive me
After all that I have done
But I cannot say
That one time I returned and You had turned away
Your love never fails
I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting
You say, "Come home" and You'll be there
I can run into Your arms
I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting
you see. in my depression and my dispair i did not turn to God. i did not pour myself into my bible or prayer. i just didn't have the heart for it. i knew i should. i knew that if i did i would feel so much better. that everything would start to make sense again. but i couldn't. there was something inside of me that could not take that step. but the night that i heard this song i took a good long step back. and i realised... i'm killing myself. you cant survive without nourishment and i was starving myself for His word, His comfort, His forgiveness. i wanted to be punished. i'm not even sure why. but i knew if i went to Him i would be forgiven and redeemed and i felt like i should suffer. for doubting. for everything. but that night i fell on my knees. i couldn't pray, i didn't have words. so i just sat there and listened. and i started to write. i poured out my heart and soul in song to Him. and i realised that even though i couldn't speak. He knew.
You Know
by Dielle N Short
You're so close and yet so far away
the pain is welling in my soul till i cant breath and i cant say
the feelings i've hidden in the center of me
so how am i supposed to tell You
that i need You desperately
but You know
the secrets of my heart
the way i'm torn apart
and You breathe
the air inside of me
the truth so i can see
that You are everything i need
that You're only God for me
in my dispair and fear You are my joy
in my confusion and deciet when i succomb to my defeat
You're the beacon of my burden
in You're light i'll place my feet
i only wish that i could reach You
hold me close so i can see
what You know
the secrets of my heart
the way i'm torn apart
when You breathe
the air inside of me
the truth so i can see
that You are everything i need
and You're the only God for me
and somehow my burden's sweeter
when i stop and let You lead
and somehow my fear is weaker
when i cower in your creed
and somehow my pain is deeper
when i know i have made You bleed
and You know....
keep me in your prayers. and know that my prayers are with you. and this isn't just for noreen. :)
God Bless
Still Here Waiting
by Todd Agnew
It's cold outside
Or is that just the chill I feel inside from standing here
Steeping in my shame
I can't deny
I'm surrounded by the very thing You freed me from
That's why I can't come home
I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting
I fail to see
Why You'd still be waiting to forgive me
After all that I have done
But I cannot say
That one time I returned and You had turned away
Your love never fails
I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting
You say, "Come home" and You'll be there
I can run into Your arms
I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting
you see. in my depression and my dispair i did not turn to God. i did not pour myself into my bible or prayer. i just didn't have the heart for it. i knew i should. i knew that if i did i would feel so much better. that everything would start to make sense again. but i couldn't. there was something inside of me that could not take that step. but the night that i heard this song i took a good long step back. and i realised... i'm killing myself. you cant survive without nourishment and i was starving myself for His word, His comfort, His forgiveness. i wanted to be punished. i'm not even sure why. but i knew if i went to Him i would be forgiven and redeemed and i felt like i should suffer. for doubting. for everything. but that night i fell on my knees. i couldn't pray, i didn't have words. so i just sat there and listened. and i started to write. i poured out my heart and soul in song to Him. and i realised that even though i couldn't speak. He knew.
You Know
by Dielle N Short
You're so close and yet so far away
the pain is welling in my soul till i cant breath and i cant say
the feelings i've hidden in the center of me
so how am i supposed to tell You
that i need You desperately
but You know
the secrets of my heart
the way i'm torn apart
and You breathe
the air inside of me
the truth so i can see
that You are everything i need
that You're only God for me
in my dispair and fear You are my joy
in my confusion and deciet when i succomb to my defeat
You're the beacon of my burden
in You're light i'll place my feet
i only wish that i could reach You
hold me close so i can see
what You know
the secrets of my heart
the way i'm torn apart
when You breathe
the air inside of me
the truth so i can see
that You are everything i need
and You're the only God for me
and somehow my burden's sweeter
when i stop and let You lead
and somehow my fear is weaker
when i cower in your creed
and somehow my pain is deeper
when i know i have made You bleed
and You know....
keep me in your prayers. and know that my prayers are with you. and this isn't just for noreen. :)
God Bless