Tell me where we go from here 45/47
Chapter 45
Dean didn't know what to do, how to react. A part of him wanted to believe Cas that stuff like touching and kissing was still okay but a bigger part of him just knew that that was Cas' way to find a compromise for them. Cas had said that he didn't like sex and kissing was a part of sex, right? So how could he still like it?
What made things even more complicated was the fact that every night when they lay together in bed Dean had to fight against his sexual desires. Cas was so close, he felt his warm body pressed against him, felt the lean muscles of his chest under his palm, smelled Cas' scent when he buried his nose in the nape of his neck. All that went straight to his dick.
Especially knowing what he couldn't have led to even more stubborn erections. He tried to hide them from Cas, which was difficult because Cas really liked to spoon with Dean playing the big spoon so yeah, it was hard to hide, pun clearly intended.
"Let me." One night Cas reached for him and pressed his palm firmly against Dean's growing erection. It would be so easy to give in to the temptation.
"It's okay, Cas." With all the willpower he had Dean rejected Cas' offer and pried his hand off him.
Then he bolted out of the bed and fled to the bathroom.
Dean sat down on the closed toilet and let his head fall back against the cool tiles. With closed eyes he palmed himself through his underwear. He was still achingly hard. With guilt eating at him he pushed the waistband down to free himself. He needed the release, just for a moment. Furiously he started to jack himself. Too rough, too dry and almost painful. He came in a grim orgasm, not really more than a body function.
Was that what an orgasm felt for Cas? A reaction to stimulation?
When he came back to his room a while later, Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for him.
"Dean, I never said ..." He stopped, probably lost on how to put their dilemma in words.
"I know, Cas." Suddenly he felt tired. He just wanted to crawl in bed and hold Cas in his arms.
Cas looked at him for a moment and Dean wondered what he could read in his expression. To is surprise Cas slipped under the covers and held them open for him.
Dean hesitated for a moment but then followed the invitation and Cas welcomed him with open arms.
Why the angel still put up with him he had no idea.
The Mark was more active these days. Every time he saw Cas bending over to pick something up or stretching for a book on the upper shelf or just standing there with that little tilt of his head, the urge was there to just grab him and to fuck him against the next wall. He never gave in but the urge was there.
It was easier when Sam was with them. Then they talked about the research and the interesting stuff Sam had read over the day. Dean would talk about his day, the work he'd done on the car or around the bunker. About his trips to town and what new gossip Margret at the grocery store had told him. Usually Cas listened more than he talked on those occasions, content with listening to the familiar banter between the brothers, but from time to time put in a thought or an amusing anecdote. It was good.
The nights however … Dean almost feared the nights by now. He was close to asking Cas to go back to his own room but he couldn't bring himself to do that. He wanted to have Cas close and for sure Cas wanted to be close to him, that was not the problem. What they wanted to come out of that closeness, that was were it got complicated.
At night it felt like there were miles between them and Dean didn't know how to bridge this gap. If he was honest, he felt like he'd already lost Cas and they were just too stubborn to accept it.
The tension between them grew and the mood was so bad that even Sam felt it and of course his solution was to talk about it. That little bastard tried to sneak up on Dean while they were preparing dinner, the fact that Sam wanted to help should have triggered Dean's alarm bells, he realized that later, but for some reason Sam's question if everything was alright between him and Cas blindsided him. Was it this obvious? Had Cas told him something? Or maybe Cas had ask him to ask Dean ...
Dean shook his head to get those questions out of his mind and just assured Sam that everything was fine. Then he sat him on onion chopping duty, just because he could, let that bitch cry a little for being so nosy. Too bad that Dean kept his knives sharp and Sam wasn't suffering too much from that.
Then one day Hannah called. Why she needed Cas' help Dean didn't know but it was probably a good thing to go separate ways for a few days to clear their heads. Maybe then they would find the courage to end this instead of dragging a dead horse around.
When it was time for Cas to leave, they hugged and Cas promised to be back soon and that he would call when he could. Then he was gone.
The first hour or so it felt weird. Dean wasn't sure if he should miss him or be relieved that Cas wasn't around at the moment but he was pretty sure that he shouldn't feel this numb.
It was that numbness that made him seek out Sam's company that evening. He couldn't bear being alone in his room where everything reminded him of the fact that Cas wasn't there.
It was that numb feeling that made him talk.
Dean had never been a talker and talking about his feelings had never been a thing he wanted to do but for some reason it was like a levee broke inside him and the words needed to get out.
"I thought I had it under control, that I wouldn't do it." He said, his voice broken. "Turned out I did it every single time."
He had raped Cas, over and over again.
Of course Sam had a different opinion on that topic and it sounded so reasonable that Dean wanted to get convinced. He wanted to believe that he hadn't violated the man he loved. But he knew better.
"And do me a favor, just give it a try, okay?" Sam was always optimistic enough for both of them.
The next morning Dean slept in, they had been home late because they had to walk back most of the way back to the bunker. The waitress from the bar had given them a ride out of town, he remembered that, but then they had to walk. Which meant that Baby was still at the bar.
But first he had to get rid of that foul taste in his mouth and he could use a shave. And a shower would be awesome.
Feeling almost human again Dean headed for the kitchen for some coffee. Sam was nowhere in sight, probably still sleeping, that lightweight.
On the counter in the kitchen he found his phone but couldn't really remember putting it there. He had been pretty drunk last night.
He picked the phone up to see if he'd missed anything, which was not likely because most people who knew his number were in Heaven, one way or another, or were sleeping in the other room.
To his surprise he found a text message from Cas.
Breaking up via text message, was the first thought on Dean's mind and for a long moment he didn't dare to open it. When had Cas learned to text anyway?
Taking a deep breath he opened it. Three words. Nothing else. Three stupid little words that made his eyes water.
I love you.
"Cas, you romantic." He said in a hoarse voice but there was nobody there who could hear him anyway.
Dean saved the message and then just stood there in the kitchen, trying to wrap his head around this.
Cas was still willing to give this a try, even if Dean had acted like an ass. Maybe he should take the promise he'd given Sam serious, maybe he should just give them a chance and see where it would lead them. Maybe ...
Decision made Dean typed an answer.
Love you too.
His thumb hovered over the send button way too long before he muttered "Oh, hell." and pushed it. The message was out, there was nothing he could do about that anymore, so he turned his attention back the the important task at hand. Coffee.
When the coffee was ready and the bacon was sizzling in the pan, Sam found his way to the kitchen. Still in his sleepwear and with bed-hair and stubble on his face. Dean hoped he'd at least brushed his teeth.
"Coffee?" Dean asked but didn't wait for an answer to pour Sam a cup. Sam took it with a guttural grunt and then fell quite while he waited for the caffeine to take effect. In the meantime Dean had two plates with toast, bacon and scrambled eggs ready, just the right breakfast for a hangover.
"Thanks." Sam had recovered to words and gave him a tired smile.
"Eat up, we need to get Baby home." Dean reminded him but looking at Sam it would take a while until he would be ready for a trip into town. At least Cas had left his car, Hannah had picked him up, so they had a car to drive back to the bar. Dean wasn't keen on walking any length of distance at the moment, maybe not ever again.
Sam gave him another grunt which Dean took as affirmation.
They hadn't looked into another hunt and Dean was okay with some downtime. He would like to be home when Cas came back, here it would be easier to work things out than on the road.
Sam wasn't pushing on getting back to work either so they just relaxed for the rest of the day. They hadn't seen the latest season of Game of Thrones so that was a good way to kill the time. Along with killing characters, how they still had a cast big enough to run the show, Dean had no idea.
"Anything from Cas?" Sam asked when they settled in to marathon the season.
"Sent a text." Dean dug into the bag of snacks and started spreading the goodies on Sam's bed. It was Sam who would have to sleep with all the crumbs so Dean was totally fine with eating chips in here.
"Just that he's fine." Dean answered the unspoken question. The real message was nothing he wanted to share with his brother and Cas was fine, that had been hidden in that message as well.
"Any idea when he'll be back?" Sam asked and stretched out next to him, back against the headboard and remote in hand. "You bring the popcorn?"
"Of course I brought the popcorn." Dean tossed the bag over to him. "Didn't say, when he'll be back, I mean." It was hard to tell, he knew that. Being a hunter, being raised by a hunter, he knew how fragile plans were.
But it didn't matter when Cas would be back. He would be back, that was the important thing. And then they would find a way to make their relationship work.
C'mon, they had stopped an apocalypse or two. This should be a cakewalk.
Chapter 46
Masterpost