Tell me where we go from here 42/?
Chapter 42
When they left the house Steve was sleeping in his bed and wouldn't remember any of this. At least that was what Cas had said and Sam hoped he was right. Cas hadn't wiped his memory completely, Steve was still the same man with the same memories but everything regarding to witchcraft should be kinda foggy. Sam wasn't sure how exactly that worked but he'd seen enough angels tampering with memories to know that it probably worked and that he didn't like it.
It was shady at least but the only solution they'd come up with. Except for killing the guy, of course.
"So, back to the construction site tonight?" Sam asked when they drove away from Steve's place.
"We've to find twelve more of those little fuckers." Dean nodded in agreement.
They had to wait until the site was closed for the night so they returned to the motel and Sam used the time for a much needed nap. What Dean and Cas were doing during that time he didn't want to know but he was too tired to think about that anyway.
With the case basically solved they went out for dinner that evening before they went back to the construction site. With Sam's notes and Cas sense for the black magic they found the hexbags quite easily but it took time to break open the walls even when they were working on three spots at once.
Again it was way after midnight when they were back at the motel but all the hexbags were burned and that was what counted. After a quick shower, Sam found dirt in places he didn't want to think about, he collapsed into his bed and slept soundly until morning.
The bunker was only a few hours away so they should make it there in the early afternoon. Cas drove behind them all the time, more or less, he stayed closer to the speed limit than Dean, and it was weird to know that Cas was close by but not in the back seat. And Sam would never get used to that monstrosity of a car tailing them even if Dean found it quite amusing.
"We should get him a white fur coat." Dean suggested with another glance in the rear view mirror. "And a little more bling-bling."
"Don't forget the music." Sam warmed up to that idea. "He needs the right music for that."
Sam smiled at that image in his head and when he glanced over to his brother he saw the same expression on his face. Their eyes met and their smiles widened.
Back in the bunker they unpacked and then settled in for a quiet evening. There was research waiting for Sam but he didn't get the feeling that he was getting somewhere with that so he put it off for another day.
They watched some TV but Dean and Cas excused themselves early and Sam just turned the volume up a little more. The bunker had thick walls but he didn't want to risk hearing anything he didn't want to hear. Judging by the way Cas had greeted Dean the day before Sam didn't want to picture what they would do in the privacy of their room.
However, the enthusiasm between Dean and Cas wore off rather quickly again, enough for Sam to notice that there was something going on. If it was something new or the same old problem Sam had never figured out in the first place he couldn't tell but he could tell that over the day Cas was almost constantly with him, doing research. Not that Sam minded, Cas was a great help with this, but he couldn't shake off the feeling that the angel used this as an excuse to avoid Dean.
His brother on the other and spent all his time with his car, doing maintenance work on the weapons and preparing meals in the kitchen. Also as if he was avoiding his boyfriend.
The tension in the bunker grew over the next few days and Sam was already looking for their next hunt just to get them out of the bunker again.
All three of them spent time together, sometimes watching TV in Sam's room, sometimes going out for the evening, but Dean and Cas together during the day became a rare sight. They did sleep in Dean's room and what they were doing behind closed doors was none of Sam's business but he did wonder. Cas didn't need to sleep anymore. Did he watch over Dean the whole night? Was that what was creeping Dean out?
One night Sam woke up in the middle of the night because he needed to use the bathroom and when he came back, still rubbing sleep out of his eyes and not quite awake, he noticed light in the library. Remembering a similar night Sam debated with himself if he should go and investigate or rather not. He didn't want to catch Cas watching porn again but in the end curiosity won.
It was indeed Cas sitting at the table in the far corner with Sam's laptop in front of him. Sam didn't need to see the screen to know what he was watching, the noises were quite telling.
Cas hadn't noticed him yet so Sam was about to leave him be but then Cas looked up and their eyes met.
"Sam." He just said. He didn't stop the video and he didn't look embarrassed gotten caught watching porn either. Okay, with Dean as his role model in this … Sam shrugged inwardly.
"Dean's sleeping?" He asked instead because it would just be embarrassing if Dean caught him and Cas in the middle of the night with the noises of porn in the background.
"Yes." Cas' attention returned to the screen but he didn't look like he enjoyed what he was seeing. He wore the same expression as if he was reading an ancient text. As if he tried to make sense out of something he couldn't quite grasp.
"You need help with anything?" Sam took pity on him and stepped closer. The last time he'd found Cas like this the angel had needed advice. Maybe there was still something left the angel wasn't quite sure about. Sam really didn't want to know too much about this but if he could help them, and Dean was suffering here as well, he could tell, than he would give the angel the sex talk.
For a moment it looked like Cas wouldn't take him up on his offer to help him but then he looked up at Sam with such sadness in his eyes it broke Sam's heart.
"I'm not sure if Dean and I should be together." He finally said.
"That's bullshit." Sam burst out. He sighed and took a seat next to Cas, still avoiding to glance at the screen. However, he had heard similar words from Dean before.
"Cas." He started. "I've seen you and Dean pining for each other for years now. You love him and he loves you, that's obvious. So whatever this is, you can work it out. Together."
"We tried." Now his eyes darted back to the screen. "But I think it's time to admit that we won't find a solution."
Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, already regretting his next words.
"Okay, what exactly is the problem?" When Cas only stared at him, he added: "Sometimes it's easier for an outsider to see a way, you and Dean are probably too much involved."
Cas considered that for a moment.
"I don't get aroused." Cas came to the point without beating around the bush.
"You …" Sam cleared his throat. That was not what he'd unexpected.
"In the beginning it worked." Cas didn't meet his eye. "It was new and exciting. It was like it should be." He shook his head. "Now I hardly ever get an erection."
"Maybe it's a medical problem? You know, there is medication …" The last thing he wanted to do was to take Cas to the doctor. How would he explain an angel with performance problems anyway?
But if it helped Cas, Sam would do it. He sighed, what was his life?
"Dean thought that as well but my body is fully functional." Cas dismissed the idea and Sam breathed easier. No awkward visits to a doctor. "As for the pills, I tried them. Dean doesn't know. They don't work."
"How is this supposed to help you?" Sam gestured at the laptop. The video was finally over and the noises had stopped. However, there were still some very explicit suggestions on what to watch next on the screen.
"Dean thinks we just haven't found the right thing for me." Cas said with another glance at the screen.
It was possible, Sam had to admit. But the way Cas sat here, watching porn utterly unaroused, didn't speak for that theory. Maybe it was something different. An idea was forming in the back of his mind.
"I don't think watching porn is going to help you." Sam turned the laptop and closed the windows without really looking at them. Then he opened Google. Two minutes later his vague idea had turned into a solid theory. He was pretty sure he knew what was wrong with Cas and if he was right there was nothing wrong with him at all. But to confirm that …
"Cas." He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Why was he here in the middle of the night, discussing the angel's performance problems? "Can I ask you a few very personal questions? I have an idea but I need to know a few things."
At that Cas' face lit up with hope and Sam was pretty sure he would tell him everything if that would get him an answer for his problem.
"You can ask."
Okay, here goes nothing, Sam thought. Aloud he asked: "I know you like kissing Dean and being close to him, that's kinda hard to miss." He avoided the term cuddling, Dean would kill him for that one.
"Yes." Cas confirmed.
"Do you get aroused from that?"
"No."
"What do you like about it?"
Cas thought about that for a moment.
"It feels good. I like the closeness. It's comforting." He answered honestly.
"And sex? Do you like that?" A part of Sam really didn't want to go there, this was too private to discuss with your brother's boyfriend but on the other hand, who else could the angel ask?
"It doesn't hurt." Cas shrugged but avoided his eyes. "Dean is very careful to not do something I don't give my consent to."
Yeah, that sounded like Dean.
"But you don't enjoy it either." He had to make that point clear.
"Dean likes it." As if that made it okay. Maybe it did. In the end it was Cas' decision what he did or did not but he shouldn't feel obliged to do anything just because Dean liked it.
"Cas." Now Sam leaned in to lock eyes with him. "You don't have to do stuff just because he likes it. That's not how it's supposed to work."
Cas gave him a little smile. "Dean tells me that all the time."
Sam hadn't expected less. Dean would rather miss out on his own pleasure than to force his partner into something.
"But sometimes." Cas continued with those big sad eyes. "I just want to see him happy."
Sam didn't know what to say to that. Everything he'd heard over the last few minutes told him that Cas and his brother loved each other and that each of them tried to make the other one happy but couldn't find common ground to start from.
But maybe he could help with that. If he was right with his theory, and by now he was pretty sure he was, he could give them the answer they were looking for. How they would make it work he had no idea but he was sure they would find a way.
"So, Sam." Cas rubbed his hands on his thighs. "Do you know what's wrong with me?"
"I don't think there is anything wrong with you." Sam turned the laptop back to him.
"But …" Cas made a helpless gesture towards his crotch.
"Do you know what asexuality is?"
Chapter 43
Masterpost