Lapsing
So it seems I'm lapsing again. I've been thinking too much again. And I've been thinking about people I probably shouldn't be thinking of. I really need to learn to let go of the past. That's really hard for me to do. I haven't talked to her in about a year or so I'd say. But God right now I miss her so much. Kinda stupid, isn't it? I know letting her out of my life was for the best. I know it was for the best that I don't talk to her anymore. I know we were just causing each other pain. But God sometimes I miss her. I know that we've both changed so much we probably would barely recognize each other now. But... I miss her. I kinda hope to see her at Faire this summer. I'd like to be able to walk up to her, and say in all honest that I'm sorry for the hurt I caused her. I would walk up, say I'm sorry and probably walk away. If she wished to talk more, I would talk. But I wouldn't push or anything. Just... *sighs* Damn, I thought I was past this. I thought I had finally said my goodbyes and let her go. Guess not huh? I do find it kinda funny that I still miss her, but I don't miss him. I'd be fine not talking to him anymore. The problem with seeing her at Faire is I'd probably see him too. I think of him less than I think of her and when I do it tends to be of a negative sort. I kinda wish I had seen things clearer at the time, but like they say, hindsight is 20/20. *sighs* I don't know. I really don't. Life goes ever on I guess. I just have to keep looking forward.
I've also been thinking too much about another person that I probably shouldn't. We still talk sometimes, but that's few and far between. I keep debating whether I should continue to talk to him or not. I really don't know right now. I still have trouble sometimes, talking about that situation. Someday I hope to be able to look back on it without so much pain. But right now, I just want to curl up into a ball.
Curling up into a ball... it's sounds really nice right now. I kinda want the world and everyone to just go away. But then, that might just be the depression talking. Or the fact that I've had to deal with far too many people at work this week. Doesn't it suck that one of the busiest times at work is finals week? I'm almost done with finals, have one more on Friday. I really need to study for it, I just have no will to. I kinda just don't care anymore. But this is one of the classes I need. Failing a history class when I'm a history major just won't do. But I just don't care. I was done with classes a month ago. It's so hard to care about it anymore. I've put forth so much work this year, I'm ready to be done. I'm tired. That deep in my bones tiredness. I'm tired of working so hard, tired of trying to be more than I am, tired of pretending. So very tired.
You know what else sucks? Being stuck between two friends. Realizing that there is awkwardness when the two of them are together with me, even if there are other people around. Feeling like I'm can't be too close to one without hurting the other. Of a similar note, it kinda sucks being the one gal with a group when all the guys view you as a gal and are at least slightly interested in you. I had a lot of fun at the St. Louis Ren Faire, but felt kinda awkward in the hotel. I'm not sure I'm going to want to do something like that again. I can't even really describe how I felt, it just... *sighs* Yeah.
Damned depression. It's springtime. I shouldn't be feeling depressed. I need to get outside more. I think I need to spend more time out in the sun. And I really need to get back to studying. I really need to do well on this final. I really really do.
-Mornië