Fic: Walking away from my heart. [Chapter 4/?]
Title: Walking away from my heart.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Darren Criss/Chris Colfer
Summary: Darren and Chris broke up a week before filming their last Klaine scene. They aren’t able to stay professional about it because they realize that the pain is too much to bear while having to film a screenkiss. So how are they supposed to carry on playing a lovey-dovey couple? Will they get through it without anyone noticing or will their personal life destroy everything they stand for?
Disclaimer: I do not own any persons in this. I respect Darren and Chris and I don’t claim that any of this happened, it’s all just a product of my imagination.
Author's Note: I want to apologize for the angst. Sorry! =) Also I made a fangirl-tumblr, so if you want to keep up with my writing or just want to hit me up you can do it here.
[Chapter 1]
[Chapter 2]
[Chapter 3]
It wasn't like Darren was feeling any better.
He always tried to act a lot stronger than he was, a lot more confident and he never failed.
He had always been the funny geeky guy and he just really wanted to keep up with that so no one would notice.
Darren was an actor so of course it wouldn't be hard for him to smile even though he felt like crying.
But who was he kidding besides himself?
He knew very well what was going on and that he was nothing more but a coward, a selfish bastard that couldn't care less about hurting the person he loved most and at the same time he realized that this just wasn't him at all.
He slumped down on the couch standing in his apartment, his head buried in his hands.
Chris's voice was echoing in his head and he desperately tried to get it to shut up.
Today had been rough...even rougher than the past days.
It just felt so real by now.
He didn't even know why he was hurting Chris, himself, them so much.
Darren was just so damn scared of disappointing people.
He always tried to live up to high expectations and it had always worked for him but right now he had brought himself down.
Darren knew he should call Chris and tell him he was sorry for hurting him, for telling him he didn't love him.
Fuck!
So he figured he was a liar as well.
The young man laid back on the couch, still memorizing their argument earlier.
He just hated himself so much.
What was he so damned scared of?
He was lying there for 10 more minutes, blaming himself quietly and when he couldn't take it anymore he got up again, sat on his couch and finally dialed Chris's number.
His heart was racing and beating in his chest, so hard it hurt and he couldn't breathe.
The phone rang, the sound was pounding in his ears, his hands were sweating.
What was he supposed to say anyway?
"I'm sorry for breaking you? "
"Please forget everything I said and did and just act like I didn't hurt you?"
"Hey Darren.", Chris voice echoed in his head, strangely low and raspy.
"Hey...I uhm...I..."
"You wanted to call me so we can meet up and talk. Fine...tell me where and when. I'll be there."
Chris really tried to sound calm, unaffected and just not so fucking weak.
"I can come over if you want.", Darren finally said, his voice shaking and unsure.
"No...I'll come over...you know the other's will want to join us when they see you in my trailer...so it will be more...private I guess...and we don't have to fake it."
Darren was shaking with nervousness.
"Sure...see you."
"Yeah...bye."
They hung up and both men let out a deep sigh.
Chris had no idea what he was going to say or what to do and neither did Darren.
It felt like going insane.
Chris tried his best to focus on the traffic but his mind kept drifting off, playing out every scenario in his head.
Darren screaming at him and he screaming back.
Darren and him breaking down crying.
Darren telling him there was no chance he would take him back.
Darren opening the door, pulling him into a affectionate hug, whispering "I'm sorry, I love you, don't ever leave me.".
Chris shook his head, stopping himself.
He wasn't supposed to keep his hopes high.
When he stood in front of Darren's apartment complex he took a deep breath.
Even though he wasn't sure if he could do it he knew he needed to.
He needed to know why Darren stopped loving him and why he just left without turning back.
Sure, he had screamed and cursed but he couldn't believe Darren would just leave like that.
They were in a relationship after all.
Chris slowly walked upstairs to the other man's apartment.
His breath hitched when he knocked and there he was.
Darren Criss.
The love of his life.
The man that hurt him so much it didn't even hurt anymore.
He just felt so numb when he saw him.
"Hey."
"Hi.", they said coldly.
Darren let him in and Chris sat down on the couch.
"Do you...do you want something to drink?", Darren asked awkwardly.
"Yeah...please.", Chris said, not facing the other man.
He just couldn't.
Darren went up to his fridge, opening it, grabbing a can of the diet coke he always bought for Chris.
He hated that stuff but always made sure he had some in his apartment...just for Chris.
It broke his heart when he saw all the cans.
They practically lived together before he left and he just threw it all away.
Chris knew Darren better than anyone and it was just the other way around.
Darren knew Chris ways.
How he would drink dietcoke all around the clock.
How he was grumpy in the mornings and cuddly in the night.
How Chris's hand would always brush his when they were in public, telling him how much he wanted to hold it afterwards.
How couldn't he be ready to show the world how perfect this man was and how he was his?
"Thanks.", Chris muttered when Darren gave him the can.
"I'll be honest with you Darren...I don't know what we're supposed to talk about. I don't know what you could possibly say after you just left and told me you didn't love me."
There was silence.
"I'm scared.", Darren whispered.
"What?", Chris asked, his eyebrows raised.
"I said I'm scared Chris. I'm so fucking scared and I don't even know why. I want to love you and I want to go out and tell everyone what a fucking perfect person you are and how much you mean to me but I can't...I just can't."
"But why Darren? What's your point? Stop playing me, all you do is confusing me!"
"I'm sorry but don't you see how confusing this is for me?"
"How is this confusing for you? You're in love with a dude what the hell?"
"That's the point Chris! I've never been in love with a guy before. I have no idea how this works, I have no idea how to tell people. I've told everyone I'm straight...I've BEEN straight all my life and then you come along..."
"Are you blaming me for your inability to deal with your sexuality? You were the one who said you wouldn't give a shit about labels!"
They were screaming.
It was just like both of them had predicted.
They just let out all their frustration and anger and it was the worst thing they could do.
"I think I should leave...you're clearly not ready to talk.", Chris whispered, getting up.
Darren stood up as well.
"Oh but you are? You are the one who doesn't get how hard it is feeling like everything you do isn't good enough! You want my parents to know? Fine, I'll tell them and they'll judge me! Not because I'm gay or bi or whatever. No, they will fucking judge me for not telling them earlier, for not telling them when they asked me if I was gay. You already did all of this. You came out. You know exactly who the fuck you are but just look at me. I'm 24 and I have no goddamn clue who I am! I really want to be with you but you can't ask me to do this!"
"Why can't I? It's my fucking right Darren! You're my boyfriend! We are in a fucking relationship and I didn't make you didn't I? I could've told your brother or the world. I could have done it but I didn't because I love you and it just hurts so fucking bad that you apparently don't love me enough to at least tell your family so you can bring me home without me acting all weird...I want to smile at you and I want to hold your hand and I want to kiss you without breaking away as soon as a door creaks...I just want you to be proud of who you are and stop acting like it was such an issue. You grew up in fucking San Francisco...I grew up in Clovis and I made it! I'm out and I'm still alive...I don't want you to think I'm pushing you because I'm really not...I just don't understand. You told me you loved me, we had sex...you're at least bi Darren...there is no doubt so just stop."
"It's not that easy."
"Of course it is...'You fall in love with a person not a gender.' remember? If it happens it happens...stop fighting it!"
"I'm not...I'm just not sure. I want you to find someone who's good for you!", Darren was still yelling.
Chris felt like crying but he just couldn't.
He felt so incredibly numb and confused, shaking his head at the other man.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's supposed to mean that I want you to be free...and until I figured out who I am...I want you to be happy."
"You really think I'd be happy without you?", Chris asked, his eyes wide with disbelieve.
"Yes. Yes I do.", Darren said.
"Why?"
"Because I can't do this right now...I care about you so much but I just can't deal with this right now."
"You just don't want to deal with the ugly side of it all. Yes people will hate you and some will want to beat you up. It's part of it...and if you don't want to face this reality I have to live with every single day...I honestly doubt if you are the one...but I want you to know that I really thought you were.", Chris looked at Darren, right into his eyes and the older man broke the eye contact.
He just couldn't stand it.
"I'm so sorry...", Darren whispered.
"No you're not.", Chris spat, rushing to the door.
"Just let me figure this out for me! Please Chris! Don't leave it like that!", he screamed.
"You already did that to me...remember?"
And with that Chris slammed the door shut, leaving Darren alone in his apartment.
He broke down, sitting on the floor, sobbing when he realized how much of a fuck-up he really was.
How was he supposed to fix what he had already broken into a million pieces?
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Darren Criss/Chris Colfer
Summary: Darren and Chris broke up a week before filming their last Klaine scene. They aren’t able to stay professional about it because they realize that the pain is too much to bear while having to film a screenkiss. So how are they supposed to carry on playing a lovey-dovey couple? Will they get through it without anyone noticing or will their personal life destroy everything they stand for?
Disclaimer: I do not own any persons in this. I respect Darren and Chris and I don’t claim that any of this happened, it’s all just a product of my imagination.
Author's Note: I want to apologize for the angst. Sorry! =) Also I made a fangirl-tumblr, so if you want to keep up with my writing or just want to hit me up you can do it here.
[Chapter 1]
[Chapter 2]
[Chapter 3]
It wasn't like Darren was feeling any better.
He always tried to act a lot stronger than he was, a lot more confident and he never failed.
He had always been the funny geeky guy and he just really wanted to keep up with that so no one would notice.
Darren was an actor so of course it wouldn't be hard for him to smile even though he felt like crying.
But who was he kidding besides himself?
He knew very well what was going on and that he was nothing more but a coward, a selfish bastard that couldn't care less about hurting the person he loved most and at the same time he realized that this just wasn't him at all.
He slumped down on the couch standing in his apartment, his head buried in his hands.
Chris's voice was echoing in his head and he desperately tried to get it to shut up.
Today had been rough...even rougher than the past days.
It just felt so real by now.
He didn't even know why he was hurting Chris, himself, them so much.
Darren was just so damn scared of disappointing people.
He always tried to live up to high expectations and it had always worked for him but right now he had brought himself down.
Darren knew he should call Chris and tell him he was sorry for hurting him, for telling him he didn't love him.
Fuck!
So he figured he was a liar as well.
The young man laid back on the couch, still memorizing their argument earlier.
He just hated himself so much.
What was he so damned scared of?
He was lying there for 10 more minutes, blaming himself quietly and when he couldn't take it anymore he got up again, sat on his couch and finally dialed Chris's number.
His heart was racing and beating in his chest, so hard it hurt and he couldn't breathe.
The phone rang, the sound was pounding in his ears, his hands were sweating.
What was he supposed to say anyway?
"I'm sorry for breaking you? "
"Please forget everything I said and did and just act like I didn't hurt you?"
"Hey Darren.", Chris voice echoed in his head, strangely low and raspy.
"Hey...I uhm...I..."
"You wanted to call me so we can meet up and talk. Fine...tell me where and when. I'll be there."
Chris really tried to sound calm, unaffected and just not so fucking weak.
"I can come over if you want.", Darren finally said, his voice shaking and unsure.
"No...I'll come over...you know the other's will want to join us when they see you in my trailer...so it will be more...private I guess...and we don't have to fake it."
Darren was shaking with nervousness.
"Sure...see you."
"Yeah...bye."
They hung up and both men let out a deep sigh.
Chris had no idea what he was going to say or what to do and neither did Darren.
It felt like going insane.
Chris tried his best to focus on the traffic but his mind kept drifting off, playing out every scenario in his head.
Darren screaming at him and he screaming back.
Darren and him breaking down crying.
Darren telling him there was no chance he would take him back.
Darren opening the door, pulling him into a affectionate hug, whispering "I'm sorry, I love you, don't ever leave me.".
Chris shook his head, stopping himself.
He wasn't supposed to keep his hopes high.
When he stood in front of Darren's apartment complex he took a deep breath.
Even though he wasn't sure if he could do it he knew he needed to.
He needed to know why Darren stopped loving him and why he just left without turning back.
Sure, he had screamed and cursed but he couldn't believe Darren would just leave like that.
They were in a relationship after all.
Chris slowly walked upstairs to the other man's apartment.
His breath hitched when he knocked and there he was.
Darren Criss.
The love of his life.
The man that hurt him so much it didn't even hurt anymore.
He just felt so numb when he saw him.
"Hey."
"Hi.", they said coldly.
Darren let him in and Chris sat down on the couch.
"Do you...do you want something to drink?", Darren asked awkwardly.
"Yeah...please.", Chris said, not facing the other man.
He just couldn't.
Darren went up to his fridge, opening it, grabbing a can of the diet coke he always bought for Chris.
He hated that stuff but always made sure he had some in his apartment...just for Chris.
It broke his heart when he saw all the cans.
They practically lived together before he left and he just threw it all away.
Chris knew Darren better than anyone and it was just the other way around.
Darren knew Chris ways.
How he would drink dietcoke all around the clock.
How he was grumpy in the mornings and cuddly in the night.
How Chris's hand would always brush his when they were in public, telling him how much he wanted to hold it afterwards.
How couldn't he be ready to show the world how perfect this man was and how he was his?
"Thanks.", Chris muttered when Darren gave him the can.
"I'll be honest with you Darren...I don't know what we're supposed to talk about. I don't know what you could possibly say after you just left and told me you didn't love me."
There was silence.
"I'm scared.", Darren whispered.
"What?", Chris asked, his eyebrows raised.
"I said I'm scared Chris. I'm so fucking scared and I don't even know why. I want to love you and I want to go out and tell everyone what a fucking perfect person you are and how much you mean to me but I can't...I just can't."
"But why Darren? What's your point? Stop playing me, all you do is confusing me!"
"I'm sorry but don't you see how confusing this is for me?"
"How is this confusing for you? You're in love with a dude what the hell?"
"That's the point Chris! I've never been in love with a guy before. I have no idea how this works, I have no idea how to tell people. I've told everyone I'm straight...I've BEEN straight all my life and then you come along..."
"Are you blaming me for your inability to deal with your sexuality? You were the one who said you wouldn't give a shit about labels!"
They were screaming.
It was just like both of them had predicted.
They just let out all their frustration and anger and it was the worst thing they could do.
"I think I should leave...you're clearly not ready to talk.", Chris whispered, getting up.
Darren stood up as well.
"Oh but you are? You are the one who doesn't get how hard it is feeling like everything you do isn't good enough! You want my parents to know? Fine, I'll tell them and they'll judge me! Not because I'm gay or bi or whatever. No, they will fucking judge me for not telling them earlier, for not telling them when they asked me if I was gay. You already did all of this. You came out. You know exactly who the fuck you are but just look at me. I'm 24 and I have no goddamn clue who I am! I really want to be with you but you can't ask me to do this!"
"Why can't I? It's my fucking right Darren! You're my boyfriend! We are in a fucking relationship and I didn't make you didn't I? I could've told your brother or the world. I could have done it but I didn't because I love you and it just hurts so fucking bad that you apparently don't love me enough to at least tell your family so you can bring me home without me acting all weird...I want to smile at you and I want to hold your hand and I want to kiss you without breaking away as soon as a door creaks...I just want you to be proud of who you are and stop acting like it was such an issue. You grew up in fucking San Francisco...I grew up in Clovis and I made it! I'm out and I'm still alive...I don't want you to think I'm pushing you because I'm really not...I just don't understand. You told me you loved me, we had sex...you're at least bi Darren...there is no doubt so just stop."
"It's not that easy."
"Of course it is...'You fall in love with a person not a gender.' remember? If it happens it happens...stop fighting it!"
"I'm not...I'm just not sure. I want you to find someone who's good for you!", Darren was still yelling.
Chris felt like crying but he just couldn't.
He felt so incredibly numb and confused, shaking his head at the other man.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's supposed to mean that I want you to be free...and until I figured out who I am...I want you to be happy."
"You really think I'd be happy without you?", Chris asked, his eyes wide with disbelieve.
"Yes. Yes I do.", Darren said.
"Why?"
"Because I can't do this right now...I care about you so much but I just can't deal with this right now."
"You just don't want to deal with the ugly side of it all. Yes people will hate you and some will want to beat you up. It's part of it...and if you don't want to face this reality I have to live with every single day...I honestly doubt if you are the one...but I want you to know that I really thought you were.", Chris looked at Darren, right into his eyes and the older man broke the eye contact.
He just couldn't stand it.
"I'm so sorry...", Darren whispered.
"No you're not.", Chris spat, rushing to the door.
"Just let me figure this out for me! Please Chris! Don't leave it like that!", he screamed.
"You already did that to me...remember?"
And with that Chris slammed the door shut, leaving Darren alone in his apartment.
He broke down, sitting on the floor, sobbing when he realized how much of a fuck-up he really was.
How was he supposed to fix what he had already broken into a million pieces?