Fic: My loneliness is killing me.
Title: My loneliness is killing me.
Author: lady_demolition
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Darren Criss/Chris Colfer
Summary: Darren phones his best friend because he felt lonely. Have I mentioned that I suck at summaries? Just read it please and ignore my inability.
Disclaimer: I do not own any persons in this. I respect Darren and Chris and I don't claim that any of this happened, it's all just a product of my imagination.
"I miss you.", Darren blurted out, not caring about even saying hello to Chris after he dialed his number, craving to hear his best friend's voice as soon as possible.
"Whoa Darren! Hey, hello. Well I miss you too man. How are you?", the younger man laughed nervously.
"No...Chris. I miss you. Like...I really miss you. I just wanted to let you know.", he didn't even know what the point of this call was, what was he even saying?
He was just so overwhelmed with loneliness.
Not that Darren was alone, there were plenty of people around him all the time, whether they were fans or friends or crewmembers, there was always someone there.
But they weren't Chris and Darren couldn't help but feel lonely in these crowds of people.
He needed Chris right here with him and he didn't know why but he knew that he wanted him to be there so desperately he could cry.
"Are you drunk?", Chris laughed that laugh Darren loved most.
It just sounded so sincere and happy.
"No, no I'm not I just...I'm bored. I wish you'd be there..."
Fuck.
Did he really just say that?
He bit his tongue thinking of something to say to make it less weird.
"...because then we could have a Harry Potter marathon and eat shitloads of redvines like we always do."
"I really wish you were here too...it's so boring. I can't cry over Harry Potter with anyone here properly right now.".
Darren laughed softly, trying to cover up the awkward beginning of this call.
Then there was silence.
"Darren?"
Darren was absent, thinking about why he called Chris in first place, hating himself for being stupid like that.
"I miss you too."
Darren felt his stomach sink.
He didn't say anything.
Couldn't say anything.
He just listened to the other man's steady breathing.
"A-are you still there? The connection isn't always good here...so can you still hear me?"
Darren shook his head, coming back into real life slowly.
"Yes, yes I'm still there."
"Good."
"Yeah..."
"Darren?"
"Yes?"
"What is this?", Chris asked, his voice shaking slightly.
"What is what?", Darren shut his eyes, knowing what was coming.
"Just...all of this. With us I mean. I-I don't think this is what best guy friends do."
"What do you mean?", Darren played stupid, thinking that it would rescue him.
"We watch movies cuddled up next to each other, you kiss my cheek and tell me you love me everytime you're drunk and you did once when you weren't. You kissed me on the glee tour even though you didn't have to and it felt...real. Gosh I know I really shouldn't talk about this like that but I can't take it anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to think Darren. It's like with Kurt and Blaine in the beginning. Kurt loves Blaine, Blaine doesn't realize and keeps flirting with him, keeps keeping his hopes high and...he just doesn't notice. And now you call me to tell me you miss me. Just put one and one together. You sleep in the same bed as me and spoon me when you sleep over...do you do this with all of your buddies?"
"Of course not."
"Then why? Why do we do this? Why do we miss each other to the point where it hurts?"
"Because...", Darren stopped.
How was he supposed to explain himself?
"Darren...you already told me you were straight and I'm not stupid...I know that - you probably didn't know what you were doing but it did something to me. And it hurts because I have to constantly remind myself that you're straight and I am gay so I can realize why it wouldn't work out the way I want it to work out. I don't blame anyone but myself Darren. I guess you didn't know better...if it's just...a deep friendship for you that's fine because I can live with that as long as you don't hate me for saying those things...I just said...fuck.", Chris cursed, feeling relieved the truth was out but at the same time he felt like crying with frustration and a light feeling of regret creeped through his body.
"I could never hate you Chris. I-I just couldn't."
"Why not? You probably are fed up with me right now because I'm like some whiney girl who has a crush on you but you don't and keeps talking about it. I-I can get over this...I promise and I guess it's good we can't see each other for a while so I'll have enough time to try."
"Don't say that."
"Why not? Isn't that what the right thing to do would be? Getting over it and carrying on even if it probably will never be the same way it was before?"
"Listen Chris.", Darren cleared his throat. "First of all you're everything but some whiney girl. You are Chris Colfer, a handsome, adorable, geeky, award winning young man. I-I have so much respect for you you probably can't imagine and I want to be honest for once. About me and...about us."
He heard Chris's breathing become faster.
"I-I'm in love with you Chris. I doubted it for so long. I lied to myself because I never thought about feeling something like that for another man but you made me realize that I could. Of course I don't sleep in the same bed with other guys or cuddle up with them...because they aren't you. You're special, you're not just some friend. You're my best friend and the one I want. I'm sorry I sound so schmaltzy right now but I...I just really have to get this all off my chest. I've kept it inside for way too long."
"You did.", Chris giggled, his voice high with excitement and nervousness.
"I-I really want to give this a try Chris.", Darren said, letting out a shaky, relieved sigh.
"Me too...b-but I've never...", he stopped.
"I know you've never been anyone's boyfriend but...if you let me, I'll try and be a perfect first one for you."
"But what if I suck at being a boyfriend?", Chris muttered his concern.
"You won't."
"How do you know?"
"I just know."
"But how?"
"You were right when you said I should put one and one together...I know because we've been boyfriends since we met."
"Y-wow...you're right...we've been in a relationship since we became friends.", Chris repeated when he realized.
"I practically lived at your place for a week straight.", Darren said, grinning when he thought back.
"Your toothbrush was in my bathroom...and you had your own space in my closet."
"I had.", Darren smiled.
"You still have..."
"Good..."
"I keep some of your clothes and deo there just in case you come over without telling me and decide to sleep over like you always do."
They were silent, smiling to themselves.
"I-I really love you."
"I really love you too...and I still can't believe it took me so long to understand."
"It doesn't matter...better now than never."
"You're right."
"I always am.", Chris laughed softly.
"You're right again."
Chris could hear that Darren was smiling, butterflies were going crazy in his stomach.
"I can't wait for you to come back.", Chris said.
"Maybe I can still catch a flight for tomorrow."
"That would be awesome!"
"It would! I need to see you as soon as I can."
"Me too! ... Darren?"
"Yes Chris?"
"W-When I see you...can I kiss you?"
Darren laughed at Chris's adorability.
"Of course you can! You're my boyfriend...you can do whatever you want with me."
"Are you suggesting...?"
"Maybe..."
They laughed.
"I have to go. I have a gig tonight.", Darren broke the silence.
"I know...I wish I could be there. I love hearing you play.", Chris said.
"And I love you...see you...hopefully very soon."
"Yeah."
"Bye."
"Bye."
"Bye...fuck I don't want you to hang up."
Darren laughed again.
"I don't want to hang up either but I have to...I'm calling again tonight."
"Good..."
"But everything I'm saying will probably be complete nonsense because I'll be tired as fuck."
"That's fine...I just need to hear your voice again and don't worry...you talked to me a lot...I know your nonsense.", Chris whispered.
"Haha you definitely do...talk to you later...I love you."
"I love you too...bye."
Chris hung up, turning around in his chair with a big grin, jumping when Ashley was looking at him with one eyebrow raised.
"WHO WAS THAT AND WHY DIDN'T I KNOW YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!?!?", she practically screamed at him.
"T-that was...uhm...that was...Darren.", he said.
It felt strange referring to Darren as his boyfriend but it sure felt right.
"W-wait are you guys...?"
"A couple? Yes...yes we are.", Chris was grinning like a mad man.
His eyes sparkling with happiness and Ashley couldn't help to hug him and press a kiss to his cheek.
"After all this time? Oh my god I'm so happy for you baby and you landed a hottie too...I'm so proud.", she hugged him even tighter.
After some time she let Chris go again, sitting next to him.
"So...I want to know everything...tell me what happened right now or I'm going to freaking burst!"
"Haha ok I'm telling you..."