Fic: Don't walk away in silence. [Chapter 5]
Title: Don't walk away in silence.
Author: lady_demolition
Rating: PG overall (maybe higher later but I don't know yet.) This chapter R! for language and a kind of sexual situation.
Summary: Kurt lost his trust in Blaine after he spilled that he might not be 100% gay.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in this. I don't claim that any of this happened, it's all just a product of my imagination.
[Chapter 1]: ( "You just wouldn't get my hints even if they were neon coloured, dancing and singing "KURT REALLY LIKES YOU!"")
[Chapter 2]: ("I'm not giving this up because you're having a little crush on a straight guy like you always do.")
[Chapter 3]: ( "If love is blind... Why do I see you so clearly now?" )
[Chapter 4]: ( He didn't know much about relationships or love, all he knew was that his heart skipped a beat whenever he heard Blaine's voice or saw him and even when he only thought of him. )
Kurt's phone vibrated merciless against his pillow.
He blinked his eyes open, sleepily looking around, how long has he been asleep?
He rolled his body to the other side of his bed, reaching his arm out to get his phone.
1 Message by Blaine.
"Of course.", he thought to himself, rolling his eyes.
He really just wanted to be left alone already.
All this confusion was way too much for him.
Yes, he had wished for love.
Yes, he had wished for a boyfriend.
But most definitely not like this, not with all this trouble and headspinning situations.
Kurt sighed, opening the message, running his hand through his unruly hair.
"I have to tell you some things about me Kurt. I'm really and still truly sorry about yesterday but I want you to know some things so you won't be as mad at/confused by me anymore. I'm sorry. Blaine."
He let his head sink back into the mattress.
What was he supposed to do?
Just write "Leave me alone Blaine?" or "Yeah, sure. No, I'm sorry?", he simply didn't know at all.
He decided to take a shower first.
The warm water felt so relieving against his skin and he could have stood there for hours, not caring that his skin would shrivel, just being in this pure silence, nothing around him but the sound of water running down his body.
When he got out he felt colder than he had ever before because he knew he was back in reality and he had to face it whether he liked it or not.
Kurt let out an annoyed sigh, drying his body. His hands were routinely reaching for his creams and lotions, rubbing them into his pale skin.
He quickly gelled his hair up, it seemed like it would take forever for him to finish these everyday tasks but if he was honest to himself, he wanted it to take so long.
He didn't want to face Blaine, he was embarrassed and at the same time he had to admit that he really wanted to kiss him again but it would probably take a while and depended on how their talk would go this time.
Kurt got dressed quickly, adjusting his tie.
He took a last quick look in the mirror, breathed in deeply, whispering 'courage' to himself and rushed out the house.
When he arrived school Blaine was again waiting for him, leaning against the gate, smiling at him awkwardly.
"Hello Kurt."
"Hi...", they greeted and you could tell they both felt incredibly uncomfortable.
"Can we talk after school? We could grab a coffee.", Blaine suggested and Kurt nodded.
"Alright then...see you."
"Bye.", Kurt said quickly, heading to his class as fast as he could.
"Fuck, that's going to be so damn awkward.", he thought to himself.
At the same time he was unbelievably nervous about what Blaine would tell him that time.
When the bell finally rang Kurt nearly knocked off the chair he was sitting on, jumping out of it and practically running outside.
He waited for Blaine and when he saw him coming his heart beat so hard he bet that everyone who was standing near him could hear.
What the hell should he expect?
Blaine greeted him with a hasty "Hi." and a grin, not making eye contact.
When they finally sat in the coffeeshop, awkwardly silent, sipping on their coffees, Kurt felt everything but relieved.
"So...", he started. "What did you want to tell me?"
Blaine cleared his throat, still not looking at him directly.
"I...wow this sucks, I thought I could just spill it like that but apparently it's harder than I expected."
"Just tell me Blaine.", Kurt was getting impatient, his eyes tried to fix with Blaine's hazel ones, failing.
Blaine looked away and Kurt didn't know if he did it on purpose or simply couldn't face him right now.
"First of all...I'm still sorry for yesterday...and the day before.", he sighed.
Kurt tried his best not to roll his eyes but nod understandingly.
Gosh, he had heard that for the 100th time now.
"And secondly...the reason I'm being like this is...well...the reason I'm so unsure about myself is that...I didn't come out to my family yet and honestly as far as I'm concerned I'm not ready to call myself gay until I know for sure."
This time Kurt did roll his eyes.
Blaine looked hurt by that and he felt bad immediately.
"I know this sounds stupid but...I don't want to be gay Kurt..."
Kurt froze.
Was he serious?
"It's not that I'm ashamed I just...you don't know my dad...I was raised to believe that being gay was something you could change about yourself and you should. So...I've tried. Many times. Before Rachel."
Kurt just sat there, stiff and the thought of Blaine kissing so many other girls before Rachel or doing things to them Kurt didn't and really didn't want to know about, made him feel sick.
"I'm just so...", Blaine continued. "I'm just so confused and when I noticed how different it felt being around you...I got scared, I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't like kissing you because I did but...it also terrifies me how much I liked it...how much I like...you.", he finally blurted out.
Kurt was still not moving, his eyes looked so empty.
"So...I'm part of a little experiment you're doing right now?...Rachel and I are only being tested?", Kurt said, his voice somewhere between sad and angry.
"No, no you get it all wrong again.", Blaine assured. "What I'm basically trying to say is...I'm afraid to admit I'm gay, like a 100% and you scare me because I really am feeling something for you I can't quite understand myself right now.", he let out a shaky breath.
"This came out all wrong again...fuck.", he cursed, letting his head sink down in his hands.
"No...I think I understand...well at least some of your rambling.", Kurt said.
"It's just...you amaze me Kurt, you really do. You're so inspiring. I mean...you're so sure about yourself and look at me.", he kept on ranting.
"I'm not as sure about myself as I liked to be either Blaine. Don't let yourself be fooled just like that, like everybody else does.", Kurt whispered bitterly.
He got up, leaning to Blaine's ear.
"The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm gay and that's it. I will help you through it...promise."
"Thanks...it's just so hard.", Blaine mumbled, not looking up.
"You can come over tonight...if you want to I mean.", Kurt offered. "We probably can talk more openly then...just text me.", he said before leaving.
His head spinning even more, just a mess of words running through it.
Author: lady_demolition
Rating: PG overall (maybe higher later but I don't know yet.) This chapter R! for language and a kind of sexual situation.
Summary: Kurt lost his trust in Blaine after he spilled that he might not be 100% gay.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters in this. I don't claim that any of this happened, it's all just a product of my imagination.
[Chapter 1]: ( "You just wouldn't get my hints even if they were neon coloured, dancing and singing "KURT REALLY LIKES YOU!"")
[Chapter 2]: ("I'm not giving this up because you're having a little crush on a straight guy like you always do.")
[Chapter 3]: ( "If love is blind... Why do I see you so clearly now?" )
[Chapter 4]: ( He didn't know much about relationships or love, all he knew was that his heart skipped a beat whenever he heard Blaine's voice or saw him and even when he only thought of him. )
Kurt's phone vibrated merciless against his pillow.
He blinked his eyes open, sleepily looking around, how long has he been asleep?
He rolled his body to the other side of his bed, reaching his arm out to get his phone.
1 Message by Blaine.
"Of course.", he thought to himself, rolling his eyes.
He really just wanted to be left alone already.
All this confusion was way too much for him.
Yes, he had wished for love.
Yes, he had wished for a boyfriend.
But most definitely not like this, not with all this trouble and headspinning situations.
Kurt sighed, opening the message, running his hand through his unruly hair.
"I have to tell you some things about me Kurt. I'm really and still truly sorry about yesterday but I want you to know some things so you won't be as mad at/confused by me anymore. I'm sorry. Blaine."
He let his head sink back into the mattress.
What was he supposed to do?
Just write "Leave me alone Blaine?" or "Yeah, sure. No, I'm sorry?", he simply didn't know at all.
He decided to take a shower first.
The warm water felt so relieving against his skin and he could have stood there for hours, not caring that his skin would shrivel, just being in this pure silence, nothing around him but the sound of water running down his body.
When he got out he felt colder than he had ever before because he knew he was back in reality and he had to face it whether he liked it or not.
Kurt let out an annoyed sigh, drying his body. His hands were routinely reaching for his creams and lotions, rubbing them into his pale skin.
He quickly gelled his hair up, it seemed like it would take forever for him to finish these everyday tasks but if he was honest to himself, he wanted it to take so long.
He didn't want to face Blaine, he was embarrassed and at the same time he had to admit that he really wanted to kiss him again but it would probably take a while and depended on how their talk would go this time.
Kurt got dressed quickly, adjusting his tie.
He took a last quick look in the mirror, breathed in deeply, whispering 'courage' to himself and rushed out the house.
When he arrived school Blaine was again waiting for him, leaning against the gate, smiling at him awkwardly.
"Hello Kurt."
"Hi...", they greeted and you could tell they both felt incredibly uncomfortable.
"Can we talk after school? We could grab a coffee.", Blaine suggested and Kurt nodded.
"Alright then...see you."
"Bye.", Kurt said quickly, heading to his class as fast as he could.
"Fuck, that's going to be so damn awkward.", he thought to himself.
At the same time he was unbelievably nervous about what Blaine would tell him that time.
When the bell finally rang Kurt nearly knocked off the chair he was sitting on, jumping out of it and practically running outside.
He waited for Blaine and when he saw him coming his heart beat so hard he bet that everyone who was standing near him could hear.
What the hell should he expect?
Blaine greeted him with a hasty "Hi." and a grin, not making eye contact.
When they finally sat in the coffeeshop, awkwardly silent, sipping on their coffees, Kurt felt everything but relieved.
"So...", he started. "What did you want to tell me?"
Blaine cleared his throat, still not looking at him directly.
"I...wow this sucks, I thought I could just spill it like that but apparently it's harder than I expected."
"Just tell me Blaine.", Kurt was getting impatient, his eyes tried to fix with Blaine's hazel ones, failing.
Blaine looked away and Kurt didn't know if he did it on purpose or simply couldn't face him right now.
"First of all...I'm still sorry for yesterday...and the day before.", he sighed.
Kurt tried his best not to roll his eyes but nod understandingly.
Gosh, he had heard that for the 100th time now.
"And secondly...the reason I'm being like this is...well...the reason I'm so unsure about myself is that...I didn't come out to my family yet and honestly as far as I'm concerned I'm not ready to call myself gay until I know for sure."
This time Kurt did roll his eyes.
Blaine looked hurt by that and he felt bad immediately.
"I know this sounds stupid but...I don't want to be gay Kurt..."
Kurt froze.
Was he serious?
"It's not that I'm ashamed I just...you don't know my dad...I was raised to believe that being gay was something you could change about yourself and you should. So...I've tried. Many times. Before Rachel."
Kurt just sat there, stiff and the thought of Blaine kissing so many other girls before Rachel or doing things to them Kurt didn't and really didn't want to know about, made him feel sick.
"I'm just so...", Blaine continued. "I'm just so confused and when I noticed how different it felt being around you...I got scared, I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't like kissing you because I did but...it also terrifies me how much I liked it...how much I like...you.", he finally blurted out.
Kurt was still not moving, his eyes looked so empty.
"So...I'm part of a little experiment you're doing right now?...Rachel and I are only being tested?", Kurt said, his voice somewhere between sad and angry.
"No, no you get it all wrong again.", Blaine assured. "What I'm basically trying to say is...I'm afraid to admit I'm gay, like a 100% and you scare me because I really am feeling something for you I can't quite understand myself right now.", he let out a shaky breath.
"This came out all wrong again...fuck.", he cursed, letting his head sink down in his hands.
"No...I think I understand...well at least some of your rambling.", Kurt said.
"It's just...you amaze me Kurt, you really do. You're so inspiring. I mean...you're so sure about yourself and look at me.", he kept on ranting.
"I'm not as sure about myself as I liked to be either Blaine. Don't let yourself be fooled just like that, like everybody else does.", Kurt whispered bitterly.
He got up, leaning to Blaine's ear.
"The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm gay and that's it. I will help you through it...promise."
"Thanks...it's just so hard.", Blaine mumbled, not looking up.
"You can come over tonight...if you want to I mean.", Kurt offered. "We probably can talk more openly then...just text me.", he said before leaving.
His head spinning even more, just a mess of words running through it.