fic - P!ATD - all the wrong reasons
all the wrong reasons - Part Two of the Right Where It Belongs series
lady_deathangel ~*~ 3,879 words ~*~ NC-17 ~*~ AU ~*~ sexual content, femmeslash ~*~ Bren/Audrey, mentions of Ryan/Jac, implied Ryan/Bren
|| DISCLAIMER: This is in no way true. If you came across this by googling your own name or the names of close friends of yours, now might be a good time to hit the back button.
So! Remember that time I wrote about girl!Brendon and Ryan and blowjobs? Well, I decided to continue on in that 'verse. This has actually been finished for a while, but I went over it tonight, fine-tuned it, and I really hope you guys like it. Set during late 2005 - early 2006.||
Part One
It’s been three days and they haven’t talked about it. Ryan and Bren are clearly pretending that nothing happened which is fine. It’s fine because Bren doesn’t want to have to discuss it, which would be awkward; she really doesn’t want to have to admit just how deep under her skin Ryan’s gotten since then, either, because that makes her into such a cliché. Granted, she was halfway in love or like or whatever with Ryan way before she had his dick in her mouth, but she doesn’t want to think about that, either.
She doesn’t want Brent to find out, she sure as hell doesn’t want Spencer to find out, so it’s fine. For three days Bren and Ryan just . . . act normal. Maybe there’s a little more tension there, Ryan looking at Bren with dark eyes, every touch like a dare or a challenge. He’s thinking of the other ways she wouldn’t let him touch her, Bren knows. She ignores it because it’s just easier that way.
Four days later, it’s been a week. A week of fighting over cherry Pop Tarts like usual, and of falling asleep on each other while they make their way through the middle of nowhere, also like usual. And then it’s been ten days. And then two weeks. Still nothing. Ryan hasn’t told anyone and Bren’s crush might as well not exist, that’s how often she acknowledges it. When it has been exactly fifteen days and Bren has unsuccessfully tried to convince herself to stop counting, Ryan meets Jac.
It should be more unsurprising than it is. Ryan’s been e-stalking Jac Vanek for months, getting excited whenever she’s paid him any attention at all, keeping tabs on her online activity and generally being a big, giant creep. It’s just that Bren never thought he was serious. It’s stupid, maybe. It’s not like Ryan wasn’t just as serious about Pete Wentz, but that was different. That was Pete, Pete who is the exception to almost every rule in the book. Ryan’s deep love for, attraction to and obsession with Pete is why they are where they are.
So it’s not unprecedented for Ryan to be really fucking serious about the celebrities and, in Jac’s case, pseudo-celebrities that he can’t stop thinking about or talking about. She shows up to a show, though, gets backstage and starts flirting with Ryan who lights up and flirts back and Bren is shocked stupid.
Three days later, Ryan and Jac are “official”. From internet stalker and stalkee to scene king and queen boyfriend/girlfriend. Ryan’s unbearable, talking about her all the time, talking to her when he’s not rambling on about how great a couple they make. He tells Bren that they’re dating and when he looks at her it’s different from the way she’s gotten used to over the last two weeks.
Another two days after that, Bren meets Audrey.
Audrey fucks with things worse than Jac does. Bren’s been watching Ryan be with other people for a long time, now. He’s got a type when it comes to girls, one that Bren doesn’t fit (slender, petite, blonde). He’s got a type when it comes to guys, too, and Bren’s used to seeing him flirting with them, touching them, leaving with them. She’s never had a problem with it before and even now, after everything, it’s almost a relief. If Ryan breaks her heart, she can get over him quietly and they can avoid the cliché, scorned lovers bullshit that will either end in a multi-platinum album or a horrible VHI special.
Bren doesn’t mind Jac at all. She knows next to nothing about her and that suits her just fine. Jac’s a scene queen (whatever that is) and she drinks (whatever, so does Bren) and she’s a model/photographer (sort of, Bren’s seen her pictures and they look like glamorized myspace shots, but again, whatever). When Jac joins them backstage it’s almost nice to have another girl around, even if she’s taken and doesn’t leave Ryan’s side.
Audrey, though, throws everything off. After she shows up, Bren stops counting things in days. She forgets how long ago she hooked up with Ryan, how long Ryan’s been dating Jac. Instead, Bren finds herself obsessed. Not for any good reason, either. Audrey’s kind of a bitch, exclusive and always assessing, always watching. She shows up with Jac one night, all bold hair and brash mouth, and she stares at Bren through the whole set. Bren’s wearing her usual mini-dress-nee-church-frock, but she feels naked.
When they get off stage, Audrey’s cool and collected and she just looks when Bren reaches out to shake her hand. It would be easy to overlook, Bren’s used to getting brushed off by would-be groupies and looked at as some kind of obstacle to the sex they’re not going to have anyway, the gatekeeper to Spencer, Ryan and Brent’s pants. But Audrey never leaves. She and Jac are inseparable except for when Jac is with Ryan (on her knees, Bren wonders, or on her back or neither?) and that’s when she starts talking to Bren. It’s nothing interesting at first and Bren can never remember their conversations later, can only remember Audrey’s proximity and her voice and her eyes, shrouded in makeup but always trying to see their way under Bren’s skin.
“She thinks your hot,” Ryan tells Bren one night.
Bren is lost in thought, remembering the feel of Audrey’s hands on her shoulders the last time they were together. She can’t seem to forget it, the way fingernails scratched lightly at the back of her neck, the way Audrey squeezed gently and held on for no reason.
“What?” Bren asks, looking up dumbly.
Ryan’s smirking a little, that ridiculously smug look he gets sometimes. “Audrey. She thinks you’re hot.”
Bren feels herself flush a dull red and crosses her arms over her chest. “She does not,” she mutters, feeling petulant.
And the thing is, Audrey talks so much shit about Bren. Not in a mean way, necessarily. She’s just got an opinion on Bren’s hair and her clothes and the perfume she uses and none of them are very good. Besides that, Bren’s seen the girls Audrey hangs out with, the ones she thinks are beautiful. Compared to them, Bren is flat and round, nothing like their brilliant, sharp edges.
“Does so,” Ryan says. “I told her I think you’re straight but she says she’s not so sure.”
Bren’s mouth opens and closes and opens again. “I’m. Um.”
Ryan laughs and pokes her in the knee. “If you’re interested, you should go for it. She’s pretty cool and you guys hang out all the time anyway.”
Bren wants to tell Ryan that relationships are built on more than not being uninterested and hanging out sometimes. There are things like compatibility to take into account. And attraction. And sexuality. If she’s being honest with herself, though, Bren’s thought about it before. A lot. Not the dating a girl thing, but the dating Audrey thing. In fact, people have been pushing the two of them together since Audrey turned up backstage weeks ago and Bren wonders what they knew then that she’s only just considering now.
“You could double-date with me and Jac,” Ryan wheedles, and Bren looks up at him and feels her heart constrict.
Ryan’s moved on, she realizes. Maybe all that stuff before Jac, the way Ryan looked at her and touched her, maybe it was all in Bren’s head. It’s obvious now that he likes Jac. He’s with Jac. When Jac’s sucking him off, he’s not thinking of Bren. When he’s in the backseat with his hand down his pants trying so hard to be quiet, he’s not thinking of Bren. The strange thing is, as much as it hurts, Audrey’s been on Bren’s mind at least as much as Ryan has. They get along well enough and Bren’s . . . curious. Maybe that’s all Bren really needs. Maybe that’s enough.
“Maybe,” Bren says and from the look on Ryan’s face, he knows it’s as good as a yes.
_._
Audrey’s intense. If she looks intense from the outside in, she’s especially intense when she’s right there all the time. Her jokes are harsh, her hands heavy, her eyes sharp. She’s filthygorgeous and she’s all Bren’s and Bren . . . doesn’t know what to do with her. At least when Bren was watching Audrey watch her, there were no expectations. It was Audrey’s choice to do it and Bren couldn’t help but notice it. Of course, Bren didn’t have to get obsessed, either, but she did.
Now she has Audrey to herself and it’s strange. Not because Audrey’s a girl, although that’s part of it. With a boy, Bren would know her place. With another girl, there’s an entirely different set of rules to try and decipher. Still, Bren thinks she’s doing okay with that, even if she does have to ask Spencer and Brent for advice sometimes (because seriously, who knew Audrey was going to be such a girl?). No, it’s strange because Audrey is like a handful of lightning. Too hot to hold onto, too bright to look at dead-on.
She’s not comfortable, the way she fits in Bren’s life, and Bren’s not comfortable with her. They never quite settle, always drawing close and sparking, like Bren’s the conduit and Audrey’s the electricity. It’s not a bad thing, it just means they don’t actually have things to talk about and they can never really sit still and just be. They’re always drinking together or out, walking around, dancing, falling into each other and sharing heated, whiskey-soaked kisses.
Even if it’s always a charged push-and-pull between them, they have fun. It’s mostly convenient at first. Bren likes dating Audrey because it means she can relax with someone and be herself. Audrey teases Bren about what a dork she is, sometimes, but Audrey’s also always the one pulling out her camera and hamming it up with Bren in shot after shot and laughing at Bren’s stupid jokes. They go to fucking Disneyland together and Audrey doesn’t laugh at Bren’s excitement, she just smiles and wears the Minnie Mouse ears that Bren buys for her completely unironically and drags her around to her favorite rides. Bren maybe falls a little in love.
Despite all of that, it’s never easy between them. If they’re not having a great time, they’re colliding with each other. Harsh words, stupid fights, hollow silences. At least for a while they have Jac and Ryan around to offset their constant tension, sexual and otherwise. For almost two months the four of them do everything together, from trips to the Laundromat to date nights. It’s almost scarily intimate. Jac and Audrey have no boundaries and Bren and Ryan are close enough to each other that the lines blur sometimes. Bren sits in Audrey’s lap and watches Jac and Ryan make out on a Monday. On Wednesday, Jac is on the other side of the couch while Audrey sucks hickeys into Bren’s hips.
Bren should probably be more uncomfortable with it than she is, but it’s not such a big deal. At least, it’s not such a big deal to any of them. Ryan, who is one of the most private people Bren has ever met, doesn’t seem to mind that Bren and Audrey overhear him going down on his girlfriend, so Bren tries not to mind that Ryan and Jac are always around. She kind of likes being able to see Ryan like this and maybe the parts of her that aren’t in love with Audrey are enjoying being in what could almost qualify as a relationship with him.
Ryan and Jac break up in January and after that, everything gets a little out of control. Ryan’s bitter again and Bren hates having to deal with him when he’s like that. He always looks at her a little differently, like he expects her to betray him, but he holds onto her more tightly than ever, like she’s the only good thing he’s got left. Bren tries to be a good girlfriend to Audrey, but there’s a rift there. Audrey talks shit about Ryan all the time and when Bren defends him, Audrey gets pissed.
“You know, are you sure you two never fucked? Because you act like you’re really fucking obsessed with him, Bren. Do you want him to fuck you? Is that it? Because we both know you don’t want to fuck me,” Audrey says one night, just another version of the same fight they’ve been having for almost a month, and Bren manages a strangled fuck you before hanging up and burying her face in her pillow.
Bren’s torn between her band, Ryan, and her girlfriend and it really fucking sucks.
“I’m never dating anyone ever again,” Bren declares after another spectacular fight, shuffling over to Spencer and collapsing in his lap.
Spencer holds her close and pats her on the head and Bren tries not to sniffle. Girls don’t cry. Not on tour. Only pussies do that.
“She’s such a bitch sometimes,” Bren continues. “Spence . . . I think we should break up.”
Spencer doesn’t say anything, he’s good like that, just rubs her back and kisses her forehead when she starts shaking.
The problem is, Bren’s in love. She likes the way Audrey feels in her arms, the way Audrey kisses, the way Audrey smells and the sound of her voice. She hates it because it makes everything even more fucking complicated. Bren wants Audrey to be happy. She wants Audrey to be happy with her. It’s not like Bren magically knows what to do, either, because she’s still new to this, not entirely sure what she’s doing, and it’s not like Audrey helps. Audrey yells. Audrey gets pissed off. Audrey doesn’t ever say, hey, Bren, here’s what you could do better.
Communication’s the cornerstone to any good relationship, right? That’s the kind of shit Spencer used to parrot when they were in Maryland, Ryan and Bren at each other’s throats over lyrics or arrangements or whose turn it was to do a grocery run. If they can’t communicate, and it’s obvious that they can’t (Bren’s afraid to even try, because she’s afraid of being pushed away), then they should just end it. Save themselves the heartache.
Bren doesn’t break up with Audrey. She can’t. She decides to have sex with her, instead.
It’s a pretty easy conclusion to come to. Sex is important in relationships and Bren feels a little bad for never putting out. Jac and Ryan used to ask about it, sometimes, and Audrey would smirk and say something about easing Bren into alternative lifestyles.
“We weren’t all born muff-divers like you, Ryan,” she had said.
Not that Audrey hasn’t pushed. She has. Especially lately. Most of their fights have included, in some way or another, the lack of sex in their relationship. Bren can’t think of anything else to help and she does love Audrey, right? It’s the right thing to do.
There’s no easy way to bring it up, though. Audrey isn’t Ryan. Bren can’t just say, “I want to fuck you.” Bren still lives in fear of Audrey rebuffing her because Audrey’s cool and experienced and Bren is just not. Every other girl in the history of the world who has been at all like Audrey has never even been nice to Bren, let alone wanted to have sex with her. Bren doesn’t quite get it and if she doesn’t get it, she definitely doesn’t know how to bring it up with Audrey.
It’s that communication thing again, but whatever. Bren’s made up her mind. She thinks about it every day while she and Audrey are apart and thinks about talking to Spencer or Ryan or Brent, but decides against it. She can handle this. It’s her girlfriend. She can totally handle having sex with her girlfriend.
The next time they’re together, Bren’s so nervous her palms get sweaty and she can’t stop rambling about nothing. Audrey puts up with it for a little while before she straddles Bren’s lap and kisses her, fast and hard and slick. Bren makes a small sound and melts, hands coming up to cup Audrey’s small hips and pull her closer. They kiss like that for a while, hands shoving under shirts after several heated minutes, fingernails scraping over taut bellies and the thin fabric of Audrey’s bra, the padded cups of Bren’s.
When Audrey pulls back with a delicate lick to the parted seam of Bren’s lips, there’s a moment where Bren nearly backs out of the whole thing. She doesn’t even know why she’s considering it except that she doesn’t want to lose this and go back to being in unrequited love with her guitarist and because she loves Audrey, Audrey’s beautiful and hot and Bren wants this, she does. Audrey’s her girlfriend.
“Hey,” Bren says breathlessly, her lips moving against Audrey’s to form words.
Audrey smiles and tugs at Bren’s bottom lip with her teeth the way she knows Bren likes. There’s an answering tug between Bren’s legs and she groans, moving her hands from Audrey’s hips to the hem of her shirt.
“Naked,” Bren says. “Naked would be so good right now.”
Audrey pulls back to stare at her for a moment before sighing. Her fucking finally is muffled by her shirt as Bren pulls it up and over her head. Audrey doesn’t waste any time in tugging Bren’s off and Bren shivers because she’s never been so exposed in front of another person before, not in this context. Suddenly, she doesn’t want to get completely naked. Just the thought is terrifying. She leans up to kiss Audrey again instead, licking deep and reaching around Audrey’s back to unhook her bra.
They kiss, tongues moving wetly in mouths, while the straps of the bra slide off of Audrey’s slim arms, and then Bren moves before she can talk herself out of it. She kisses her way down Audrey’s neck, pausing to suck at the base of her throat and leave a mark. Audrey makes a sound, half-pleasure and half-annoyance, and Bren just grins to herself and continues moving her lips downward.
The sound Audrey makes when Bren drags the flat of her tongue over one nipple is breathy and ragged and Bren does it again, more boldly this time. Even though Audrey has to know this is Bren’s first time, she doesn’t give any tips, doesn’t tell Bren what to do (not like Ryan did, and fuck, why is Bren thinking about him now?). Bren’s going off of pure instinct, wrapping her lips around Audrey’s nipple and sucking, gentle at first and then harder. She must be doing something right because Audrey’s hands come up to tangle in Bren’s hair, and they tighten their grip when Bren moves her mouth to Audrey’s other breast.
“Fuck,” Audrey whimpers, and Bren glances up to see those liquor brown eyes staring back like always. “You look so fucking good. Knew you would.”
Bren lifts her mouth and slides one hand between Audrey’s legs, heel of her palm grinding up. Audrey shifts, restless, and gasps sharply.
“I want to watch you eat me,” Audrey says, the words dark and intimate and oh, Bren hadn’t been sure about going that far just yet but okay. Okay, she can do that.
Bren leans up and licks into Audrey’s mouth before saying, “lie back.”
Audrey smirks and does as Bren asks, tilting her hips up when Bren moves to tug down her loose skirt. Audrey’s legs are pale, her panties a deep pink. Bren is more nervous about this than she was about blowing Ryan, more nervous than she was when she kissed Audrey for the first time. She kneels between Audrey’s legs, sliding her hands up smooth thighs and leaning down to press a kiss to the skin low on her abdomen.
Bren hesitates for a split second before sliding off Audrey’s underwear and then she kisses her again, this time just above the small, triangular patch of pubic hair that hasn’t been shaved completely off. Audrey whispers something that might be Bren’s name and Bren should know how to do this. She’s seen porn with Ryan and Spencer and Brent and Pete, she knows where her own clit is (and that’s more of an advantage than most guys have as far as Bren knows). She leans forward, using her thumbs to part Audrey’s folds, and licks a hot stripe over damp skin.
Audrey’s flavor is so different from Ryan’s, tangy and almostsweet, and Bren is surprised that she likes it. She licks again, more eagerly this time, and adds a flick to her tongue when she reaches the hard bump of Audrey’s clit. Audrey’s hips jerk and she hisses out a breath above Bren, hands going to Bren’s shoulders. Bren smiles to herself and directs her attentions there, lapping at Audrey’s clit with the flat of her tongue over and over and over.
It doesn’t last long. Bren changes the angle of her tongue, slips her lips over the small peak of Audrey’s clit and sucks, and Audrey shudders. She’s not forming words anymore, just sounds, high-pitched and desperate. Bren grunts when Audrey grips the back of her head with one hand and licks harder, faster, suckling and then licking and then suckling again. Audrey’s noises change, going staccato and more breathless, and then her thighs clench around Bren’s head and she’s coming, hips pushing up against Bren’s mouth, hands clenching (her shoulder, her neck).
It’s not the same. Bren hates that she can’t stop thinking it, even as she’s giving Audrey’s clit one last lick, even as she’s crawling up Audrey’s body to kiss her with a wet and messy mouth. It was nice, Audrey’s nice, making her come was empowering and made Bren feel useful for once. Audrey’s voice didn’t settle like liquid heat at the base of Bren’s spine, though, and even though Bren can feel a faint throb of arousal between her legs, she’s not desperate to get off. She doesn’t even want to.
Audrey licks the taste of herself from Bren’s lips and cups Bren through her jeans, a delicate friction that feels good but isn’t right.
“No,” Bren says, pulling Audrey’s hand from between her legs and kissing away her girlfriend’s look of confusion. “This was just for you.”
“Oh,” Audrey says, looking pleased.
She buys it. She buys it the next time, too. She doesn’t the time after that, but she keeps her suspicions to gentle teasing. After that she starts calling Bren a freak, and then she starts calling her a cheating slut.
“If you’re not getting it from me, who are you fucking?” she demands.
Bren is too tired to dignify that with a response.
Five hours later, Bren's almost too sick to go on stage. The next day, Audrey calls and hangs up when Ryan answers Bren's cellphone because she's too weak to pick it up herself. Three days later they break up. Bren pretends she hasn’t been holding a mental countdown to their final destruction this whole time, tells herself it’s okay, she always knew. She’s pretty good at lying to herself, she’s just not any good at believing it.
Part Three
lady_deathangel ~*~ 3,879 words ~*~ NC-17 ~*~ AU ~*~ sexual content, femmeslash ~*~ Bren/Audrey, mentions of Ryan/Jac, implied Ryan/Bren
|| DISCLAIMER: This is in no way true. If you came across this by googling your own name or the names of close friends of yours, now might be a good time to hit the back button.
So! Remember that time I wrote about girl!Brendon and Ryan and blowjobs? Well, I decided to continue on in that 'verse. This has actually been finished for a while, but I went over it tonight, fine-tuned it, and I really hope you guys like it. Set during late 2005 - early 2006.||
Part One
It’s been three days and they haven’t talked about it. Ryan and Bren are clearly pretending that nothing happened which is fine. It’s fine because Bren doesn’t want to have to discuss it, which would be awkward; she really doesn’t want to have to admit just how deep under her skin Ryan’s gotten since then, either, because that makes her into such a cliché. Granted, she was halfway in love or like or whatever with Ryan way before she had his dick in her mouth, but she doesn’t want to think about that, either.
She doesn’t want Brent to find out, she sure as hell doesn’t want Spencer to find out, so it’s fine. For three days Bren and Ryan just . . . act normal. Maybe there’s a little more tension there, Ryan looking at Bren with dark eyes, every touch like a dare or a challenge. He’s thinking of the other ways she wouldn’t let him touch her, Bren knows. She ignores it because it’s just easier that way.
Four days later, it’s been a week. A week of fighting over cherry Pop Tarts like usual, and of falling asleep on each other while they make their way through the middle of nowhere, also like usual. And then it’s been ten days. And then two weeks. Still nothing. Ryan hasn’t told anyone and Bren’s crush might as well not exist, that’s how often she acknowledges it. When it has been exactly fifteen days and Bren has unsuccessfully tried to convince herself to stop counting, Ryan meets Jac.
It should be more unsurprising than it is. Ryan’s been e-stalking Jac Vanek for months, getting excited whenever she’s paid him any attention at all, keeping tabs on her online activity and generally being a big, giant creep. It’s just that Bren never thought he was serious. It’s stupid, maybe. It’s not like Ryan wasn’t just as serious about Pete Wentz, but that was different. That was Pete, Pete who is the exception to almost every rule in the book. Ryan’s deep love for, attraction to and obsession with Pete is why they are where they are.
So it’s not unprecedented for Ryan to be really fucking serious about the celebrities and, in Jac’s case, pseudo-celebrities that he can’t stop thinking about or talking about. She shows up to a show, though, gets backstage and starts flirting with Ryan who lights up and flirts back and Bren is shocked stupid.
Three days later, Ryan and Jac are “official”. From internet stalker and stalkee to scene king and queen boyfriend/girlfriend. Ryan’s unbearable, talking about her all the time, talking to her when he’s not rambling on about how great a couple they make. He tells Bren that they’re dating and when he looks at her it’s different from the way she’s gotten used to over the last two weeks.
Another two days after that, Bren meets Audrey.
Audrey fucks with things worse than Jac does. Bren’s been watching Ryan be with other people for a long time, now. He’s got a type when it comes to girls, one that Bren doesn’t fit (slender, petite, blonde). He’s got a type when it comes to guys, too, and Bren’s used to seeing him flirting with them, touching them, leaving with them. She’s never had a problem with it before and even now, after everything, it’s almost a relief. If Ryan breaks her heart, she can get over him quietly and they can avoid the cliché, scorned lovers bullshit that will either end in a multi-platinum album or a horrible VHI special.
Bren doesn’t mind Jac at all. She knows next to nothing about her and that suits her just fine. Jac’s a scene queen (whatever that is) and she drinks (whatever, so does Bren) and she’s a model/photographer (sort of, Bren’s seen her pictures and they look like glamorized myspace shots, but again, whatever). When Jac joins them backstage it’s almost nice to have another girl around, even if she’s taken and doesn’t leave Ryan’s side.
Audrey, though, throws everything off. After she shows up, Bren stops counting things in days. She forgets how long ago she hooked up with Ryan, how long Ryan’s been dating Jac. Instead, Bren finds herself obsessed. Not for any good reason, either. Audrey’s kind of a bitch, exclusive and always assessing, always watching. She shows up with Jac one night, all bold hair and brash mouth, and she stares at Bren through the whole set. Bren’s wearing her usual mini-dress-nee-church-frock, but she feels naked.
When they get off stage, Audrey’s cool and collected and she just looks when Bren reaches out to shake her hand. It would be easy to overlook, Bren’s used to getting brushed off by would-be groupies and looked at as some kind of obstacle to the sex they’re not going to have anyway, the gatekeeper to Spencer, Ryan and Brent’s pants. But Audrey never leaves. She and Jac are inseparable except for when Jac is with Ryan (on her knees, Bren wonders, or on her back or neither?) and that’s when she starts talking to Bren. It’s nothing interesting at first and Bren can never remember their conversations later, can only remember Audrey’s proximity and her voice and her eyes, shrouded in makeup but always trying to see their way under Bren’s skin.
“She thinks your hot,” Ryan tells Bren one night.
Bren is lost in thought, remembering the feel of Audrey’s hands on her shoulders the last time they were together. She can’t seem to forget it, the way fingernails scratched lightly at the back of her neck, the way Audrey squeezed gently and held on for no reason.
“What?” Bren asks, looking up dumbly.
Ryan’s smirking a little, that ridiculously smug look he gets sometimes. “Audrey. She thinks you’re hot.”
Bren feels herself flush a dull red and crosses her arms over her chest. “She does not,” she mutters, feeling petulant.
And the thing is, Audrey talks so much shit about Bren. Not in a mean way, necessarily. She’s just got an opinion on Bren’s hair and her clothes and the perfume she uses and none of them are very good. Besides that, Bren’s seen the girls Audrey hangs out with, the ones she thinks are beautiful. Compared to them, Bren is flat and round, nothing like their brilliant, sharp edges.
“Does so,” Ryan says. “I told her I think you’re straight but she says she’s not so sure.”
Bren’s mouth opens and closes and opens again. “I’m. Um.”
Ryan laughs and pokes her in the knee. “If you’re interested, you should go for it. She’s pretty cool and you guys hang out all the time anyway.”
Bren wants to tell Ryan that relationships are built on more than not being uninterested and hanging out sometimes. There are things like compatibility to take into account. And attraction. And sexuality. If she’s being honest with herself, though, Bren’s thought about it before. A lot. Not the dating a girl thing, but the dating Audrey thing. In fact, people have been pushing the two of them together since Audrey turned up backstage weeks ago and Bren wonders what they knew then that she’s only just considering now.
“You could double-date with me and Jac,” Ryan wheedles, and Bren looks up at him and feels her heart constrict.
Ryan’s moved on, she realizes. Maybe all that stuff before Jac, the way Ryan looked at her and touched her, maybe it was all in Bren’s head. It’s obvious now that he likes Jac. He’s with Jac. When Jac’s sucking him off, he’s not thinking of Bren. When he’s in the backseat with his hand down his pants trying so hard to be quiet, he’s not thinking of Bren. The strange thing is, as much as it hurts, Audrey’s been on Bren’s mind at least as much as Ryan has. They get along well enough and Bren’s . . . curious. Maybe that’s all Bren really needs. Maybe that’s enough.
“Maybe,” Bren says and from the look on Ryan’s face, he knows it’s as good as a yes.
_._
Audrey’s intense. If she looks intense from the outside in, she’s especially intense when she’s right there all the time. Her jokes are harsh, her hands heavy, her eyes sharp. She’s filthygorgeous and she’s all Bren’s and Bren . . . doesn’t know what to do with her. At least when Bren was watching Audrey watch her, there were no expectations. It was Audrey’s choice to do it and Bren couldn’t help but notice it. Of course, Bren didn’t have to get obsessed, either, but she did.
Now she has Audrey to herself and it’s strange. Not because Audrey’s a girl, although that’s part of it. With a boy, Bren would know her place. With another girl, there’s an entirely different set of rules to try and decipher. Still, Bren thinks she’s doing okay with that, even if she does have to ask Spencer and Brent for advice sometimes (because seriously, who knew Audrey was going to be such a girl?). No, it’s strange because Audrey is like a handful of lightning. Too hot to hold onto, too bright to look at dead-on.
She’s not comfortable, the way she fits in Bren’s life, and Bren’s not comfortable with her. They never quite settle, always drawing close and sparking, like Bren’s the conduit and Audrey’s the electricity. It’s not a bad thing, it just means they don’t actually have things to talk about and they can never really sit still and just be. They’re always drinking together or out, walking around, dancing, falling into each other and sharing heated, whiskey-soaked kisses.
Even if it’s always a charged push-and-pull between them, they have fun. It’s mostly convenient at first. Bren likes dating Audrey because it means she can relax with someone and be herself. Audrey teases Bren about what a dork she is, sometimes, but Audrey’s also always the one pulling out her camera and hamming it up with Bren in shot after shot and laughing at Bren’s stupid jokes. They go to fucking Disneyland together and Audrey doesn’t laugh at Bren’s excitement, she just smiles and wears the Minnie Mouse ears that Bren buys for her completely unironically and drags her around to her favorite rides. Bren maybe falls a little in love.
Despite all of that, it’s never easy between them. If they’re not having a great time, they’re colliding with each other. Harsh words, stupid fights, hollow silences. At least for a while they have Jac and Ryan around to offset their constant tension, sexual and otherwise. For almost two months the four of them do everything together, from trips to the Laundromat to date nights. It’s almost scarily intimate. Jac and Audrey have no boundaries and Bren and Ryan are close enough to each other that the lines blur sometimes. Bren sits in Audrey’s lap and watches Jac and Ryan make out on a Monday. On Wednesday, Jac is on the other side of the couch while Audrey sucks hickeys into Bren’s hips.
Bren should probably be more uncomfortable with it than she is, but it’s not such a big deal. At least, it’s not such a big deal to any of them. Ryan, who is one of the most private people Bren has ever met, doesn’t seem to mind that Bren and Audrey overhear him going down on his girlfriend, so Bren tries not to mind that Ryan and Jac are always around. She kind of likes being able to see Ryan like this and maybe the parts of her that aren’t in love with Audrey are enjoying being in what could almost qualify as a relationship with him.
Ryan and Jac break up in January and after that, everything gets a little out of control. Ryan’s bitter again and Bren hates having to deal with him when he’s like that. He always looks at her a little differently, like he expects her to betray him, but he holds onto her more tightly than ever, like she’s the only good thing he’s got left. Bren tries to be a good girlfriend to Audrey, but there’s a rift there. Audrey talks shit about Ryan all the time and when Bren defends him, Audrey gets pissed.
“You know, are you sure you two never fucked? Because you act like you’re really fucking obsessed with him, Bren. Do you want him to fuck you? Is that it? Because we both know you don’t want to fuck me,” Audrey says one night, just another version of the same fight they’ve been having for almost a month, and Bren manages a strangled fuck you before hanging up and burying her face in her pillow.
Bren’s torn between her band, Ryan, and her girlfriend and it really fucking sucks.
“I’m never dating anyone ever again,” Bren declares after another spectacular fight, shuffling over to Spencer and collapsing in his lap.
Spencer holds her close and pats her on the head and Bren tries not to sniffle. Girls don’t cry. Not on tour. Only pussies do that.
“She’s such a bitch sometimes,” Bren continues. “Spence . . . I think we should break up.”
Spencer doesn’t say anything, he’s good like that, just rubs her back and kisses her forehead when she starts shaking.
The problem is, Bren’s in love. She likes the way Audrey feels in her arms, the way Audrey kisses, the way Audrey smells and the sound of her voice. She hates it because it makes everything even more fucking complicated. Bren wants Audrey to be happy. She wants Audrey to be happy with her. It’s not like Bren magically knows what to do, either, because she’s still new to this, not entirely sure what she’s doing, and it’s not like Audrey helps. Audrey yells. Audrey gets pissed off. Audrey doesn’t ever say, hey, Bren, here’s what you could do better.
Communication’s the cornerstone to any good relationship, right? That’s the kind of shit Spencer used to parrot when they were in Maryland, Ryan and Bren at each other’s throats over lyrics or arrangements or whose turn it was to do a grocery run. If they can’t communicate, and it’s obvious that they can’t (Bren’s afraid to even try, because she’s afraid of being pushed away), then they should just end it. Save themselves the heartache.
Bren doesn’t break up with Audrey. She can’t. She decides to have sex with her, instead.
It’s a pretty easy conclusion to come to. Sex is important in relationships and Bren feels a little bad for never putting out. Jac and Ryan used to ask about it, sometimes, and Audrey would smirk and say something about easing Bren into alternative lifestyles.
“We weren’t all born muff-divers like you, Ryan,” she had said.
Not that Audrey hasn’t pushed. She has. Especially lately. Most of their fights have included, in some way or another, the lack of sex in their relationship. Bren can’t think of anything else to help and she does love Audrey, right? It’s the right thing to do.
There’s no easy way to bring it up, though. Audrey isn’t Ryan. Bren can’t just say, “I want to fuck you.” Bren still lives in fear of Audrey rebuffing her because Audrey’s cool and experienced and Bren is just not. Every other girl in the history of the world who has been at all like Audrey has never even been nice to Bren, let alone wanted to have sex with her. Bren doesn’t quite get it and if she doesn’t get it, she definitely doesn’t know how to bring it up with Audrey.
It’s that communication thing again, but whatever. Bren’s made up her mind. She thinks about it every day while she and Audrey are apart and thinks about talking to Spencer or Ryan or Brent, but decides against it. She can handle this. It’s her girlfriend. She can totally handle having sex with her girlfriend.
The next time they’re together, Bren’s so nervous her palms get sweaty and she can’t stop rambling about nothing. Audrey puts up with it for a little while before she straddles Bren’s lap and kisses her, fast and hard and slick. Bren makes a small sound and melts, hands coming up to cup Audrey’s small hips and pull her closer. They kiss like that for a while, hands shoving under shirts after several heated minutes, fingernails scraping over taut bellies and the thin fabric of Audrey’s bra, the padded cups of Bren’s.
When Audrey pulls back with a delicate lick to the parted seam of Bren’s lips, there’s a moment where Bren nearly backs out of the whole thing. She doesn’t even know why she’s considering it except that she doesn’t want to lose this and go back to being in unrequited love with her guitarist and because she loves Audrey, Audrey’s beautiful and hot and Bren wants this, she does. Audrey’s her girlfriend.
“Hey,” Bren says breathlessly, her lips moving against Audrey’s to form words.
Audrey smiles and tugs at Bren’s bottom lip with her teeth the way she knows Bren likes. There’s an answering tug between Bren’s legs and she groans, moving her hands from Audrey’s hips to the hem of her shirt.
“Naked,” Bren says. “Naked would be so good right now.”
Audrey pulls back to stare at her for a moment before sighing. Her fucking finally is muffled by her shirt as Bren pulls it up and over her head. Audrey doesn’t waste any time in tugging Bren’s off and Bren shivers because she’s never been so exposed in front of another person before, not in this context. Suddenly, she doesn’t want to get completely naked. Just the thought is terrifying. She leans up to kiss Audrey again instead, licking deep and reaching around Audrey’s back to unhook her bra.
They kiss, tongues moving wetly in mouths, while the straps of the bra slide off of Audrey’s slim arms, and then Bren moves before she can talk herself out of it. She kisses her way down Audrey’s neck, pausing to suck at the base of her throat and leave a mark. Audrey makes a sound, half-pleasure and half-annoyance, and Bren just grins to herself and continues moving her lips downward.
The sound Audrey makes when Bren drags the flat of her tongue over one nipple is breathy and ragged and Bren does it again, more boldly this time. Even though Audrey has to know this is Bren’s first time, she doesn’t give any tips, doesn’t tell Bren what to do (not like Ryan did, and fuck, why is Bren thinking about him now?). Bren’s going off of pure instinct, wrapping her lips around Audrey’s nipple and sucking, gentle at first and then harder. She must be doing something right because Audrey’s hands come up to tangle in Bren’s hair, and they tighten their grip when Bren moves her mouth to Audrey’s other breast.
“Fuck,” Audrey whimpers, and Bren glances up to see those liquor brown eyes staring back like always. “You look so fucking good. Knew you would.”
Bren lifts her mouth and slides one hand between Audrey’s legs, heel of her palm grinding up. Audrey shifts, restless, and gasps sharply.
“I want to watch you eat me,” Audrey says, the words dark and intimate and oh, Bren hadn’t been sure about going that far just yet but okay. Okay, she can do that.
Bren leans up and licks into Audrey’s mouth before saying, “lie back.”
Audrey smirks and does as Bren asks, tilting her hips up when Bren moves to tug down her loose skirt. Audrey’s legs are pale, her panties a deep pink. Bren is more nervous about this than she was about blowing Ryan, more nervous than she was when she kissed Audrey for the first time. She kneels between Audrey’s legs, sliding her hands up smooth thighs and leaning down to press a kiss to the skin low on her abdomen.
Bren hesitates for a split second before sliding off Audrey’s underwear and then she kisses her again, this time just above the small, triangular patch of pubic hair that hasn’t been shaved completely off. Audrey whispers something that might be Bren’s name and Bren should know how to do this. She’s seen porn with Ryan and Spencer and Brent and Pete, she knows where her own clit is (and that’s more of an advantage than most guys have as far as Bren knows). She leans forward, using her thumbs to part Audrey’s folds, and licks a hot stripe over damp skin.
Audrey’s flavor is so different from Ryan’s, tangy and almostsweet, and Bren is surprised that she likes it. She licks again, more eagerly this time, and adds a flick to her tongue when she reaches the hard bump of Audrey’s clit. Audrey’s hips jerk and she hisses out a breath above Bren, hands going to Bren’s shoulders. Bren smiles to herself and directs her attentions there, lapping at Audrey’s clit with the flat of her tongue over and over and over.
It doesn’t last long. Bren changes the angle of her tongue, slips her lips over the small peak of Audrey’s clit and sucks, and Audrey shudders. She’s not forming words anymore, just sounds, high-pitched and desperate. Bren grunts when Audrey grips the back of her head with one hand and licks harder, faster, suckling and then licking and then suckling again. Audrey’s noises change, going staccato and more breathless, and then her thighs clench around Bren’s head and she’s coming, hips pushing up against Bren’s mouth, hands clenching (her shoulder, her neck).
It’s not the same. Bren hates that she can’t stop thinking it, even as she’s giving Audrey’s clit one last lick, even as she’s crawling up Audrey’s body to kiss her with a wet and messy mouth. It was nice, Audrey’s nice, making her come was empowering and made Bren feel useful for once. Audrey’s voice didn’t settle like liquid heat at the base of Bren’s spine, though, and even though Bren can feel a faint throb of arousal between her legs, she’s not desperate to get off. She doesn’t even want to.
Audrey licks the taste of herself from Bren’s lips and cups Bren through her jeans, a delicate friction that feels good but isn’t right.
“No,” Bren says, pulling Audrey’s hand from between her legs and kissing away her girlfriend’s look of confusion. “This was just for you.”
“Oh,” Audrey says, looking pleased.
She buys it. She buys it the next time, too. She doesn’t the time after that, but she keeps her suspicions to gentle teasing. After that she starts calling Bren a freak, and then she starts calling her a cheating slut.
“If you’re not getting it from me, who are you fucking?” she demands.
Bren is too tired to dignify that with a response.
Five hours later, Bren's almost too sick to go on stage. The next day, Audrey calls and hangs up when Ryan answers Bren's cellphone because she's too weak to pick it up herself. Three days later they break up. Bren pretends she hasn’t been holding a mental countdown to their final destruction this whole time, tells herself it’s okay, she always knew. She’s pretty good at lying to herself, she’s just not any good at believing it.
Part Three