Only Got One (Details) Part 8
Title: Only Got One (Details)
Fandom: RPF
Pairing: Pinto
Series Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just love 'em
Warnings: , long-term angst, Chris/OFC
Summary: Part 8 of 11. Zach has a crush on Chris but Chris really doesn't want to know. A lot of angst, UST and crappy decision making follows and eventually, Zach has to make a choice.
Follows the songs from Frou Frou's album, Details - which is my favourite album of all time, just to be melodramatic. The song's aren't in order, I sorted them as needed for the story arc. Normally I don't do songfics but this story just flowed out of the album for me, so I went for it.
Only Got One is track 6 on the album and the lyrics for all the songs on Details can be found here. If you haven't heard it and you can get your hands (electronic or otherwise) on the album, I thoroughly recommend it.
Download Only Got One
A/N: Wow, once again I go from not being able to write, to 'hmmm, why not crank out a chapter in twenty-four hours?' This chapter's a little longer than the last one but still considerably shorter than the earlier ones. I think that's because the chapter arcs in this later stage of the story are much more compact than the earlier ones. It will probably stay this way as well until the end of the fic - the last chapter may be a long one though, not sure yet.
As always enjoy and feel free to comment, I do love the comments... :D
P.S. I apologise for my overuse of ellipses once again - they are my friends but they're the kind of friends that keep asking for money and never have the time when you ask for it.
He came in the door, hair still ruffled from his journey, luggage still wrapped around his wrists, his arms corded with the effort of holding them. The look on his face was... no, he couldn’t read it, couldn’t read him - it was as though he stared at a stranger and that scared him more than anything else.
“Where did you go?”
“New York.”
Zach nodded to show that he’d heard, his head swimming with the possibilities.
“I was going to go home first but I thought... I thought I should let you know that I was back.”
“You could have just rung me.”
Chris shifted his weight, readjusting his hold on the bags.
“Yeah but there’s stuff I need to tell you, decisions I’ve made. If I went home I could avoid telling you and that can’t happen. This needs to be said.”
The evil butterflies in Zach’s stomach morphed into knives and he felt his expression slide into something detached and impersonal - if he had to feel this, please God don’t let it show, don’t let him see it.
“Can I... put my stuff down?”
Why was he asking? A week ago they had been sharing a bed, now there was a hesitation in everything they did around each other - men tip-toeing over a sea of shattered glass.
“Sure.”
Chris dropped his bags by the front door, where he had been standing since he arrived. He looked at a loss as to what to do next. Zach tried to ignore the butterflies-come-knives in his belly and offered Chris a beer.
“Uh, yeah that’d be great,” he replied and they both headed into the kitchen, Chris propping himself up against the bench while Zach went to the fridge.
“So,” Zach started, his face still hidden by the door of the fridge, “what’s this thing that you so desperately need to tell me?”
Chris’ grip on the counter behind him tightened and he fixed his gaze on the brand name etched into the fridge door. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Zach craned back to look at him.
“What, you don’t want to talk about it? Should I be scared?” he joked, but it was a poor shadow of humour.
“Is it a lie if I say maybe?”
Zach closed the fridge door quietly and folded his arms.
“Okay. Then let’s have it.”
“I had a lot of time to think in the past week, away from everything, everyone and I came to some pretty big decisions.”
Zach nodded as he tried to stop his fingernails from digging into the sides of his arms. Chris took a deep breath and brought his head up to look Zach squarely in the eyes.
“I love you.”
It was stated so firmly and so obviously that Zach’s stomach dropped in beautiful slow motion, the way that it does on a plane dropping in altitude with breath-stealing speed. It was that first step off the cliff, that dip before a hill and Zach blissfully dismissed all of those moments in favour of this one.
“And it’s not just that I love you,” Chris continued, “I love you to the point where I don’t want to be with anyone else, to the point where all that paparazzi crap just falls away and there’s just you and me.”
Chris pushed away from the bench and walked forward, placing his hands on the sides of Zach’s face.
“I love you like there’s not enough air to breathe in the room. I could live for the smell of you, the feel of you, your laugh, your evil grin. You’re everything in my life that’s right and you have been through so much shit to be with me.”
Zach’s hands slid slowly up Chris’ forearms until they rested against his hands. Chris’ gaze, so intense a moment before dimmed and he moved away from Zach, hands following hands until they stood, body to body, fingers linked like they were completing a circuit.
“And I’m just hoping that all of that’s enough to get us past what I’m about to tell you because I also made a very stupid mistake while I was away.”
Hands tightened and both men braced themselves against their own terrifying expectations.
“I slept with someone in New York.”
There was an ache in Zach’s head, spreading all over his body, followed quickly by a numbness that some dispassionate part of his mind observed was probably better than the alternative. He looked down at his hands and noticed that they were facing him, palms up - he’d let go of Chris.
“Zach? Z-zach, can you hear me?”
Zach kept looking at his hands, the long sweep of his hair falling like a shroud over his eyes.
“Her name was Celia and... I’d love to say it meant nothing, Zach but honestly, without her I don’t think I’d have come to the understanding about myself that I did. I know it hurts but I was in such a bad place and she was so... so... normal that... It was just nice to pretend for a bit. Like nothing had ever changed. But it had changed, Zach, I know that now. And going back to that, to what I knew, what I thought I still wanted... it was like putting on your favourite sweater from years ago - it’s still wonderful to look at, even wear but it doesn’t fit anymore. It just feels wrong and I’m so, so sorry that I had to betray you like that to finally understand. God, Zach I am so sorry.”
Chris had seen the single tear tracing its way down Zachary’s face, nearly hidden by the sheaf of hair.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, horrified at what he’d done to the man he loved.
Zach just shook his head mutely. Slowly at first and then with an increasing vehemence.
“No, no, no I don’t wanna hear his, I don’t.”
“Zach.”
“No! You thought fucking some girl to ‘fix’ yourself would be okay with me?! I’d love to hear the line of thought that brought you to that conclusion but I don’t think my mind could follow something that twisted.”
He was angry. Good, he could do angry. If he stayed angry this emptiness in the middle of his chest might not consume him.
“Please, Zach. Please understand. I love you, I wish I’d never met her, I wish I’d never...”
Zach was smiling but it was unlike any smile that Chris had ever seen. It made him want to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness... or possibly mercy.
“Any chance we had, any chance of this actually working, you’ve ruined.”
“Don’t say that,” Chris whispered, “I know I made mistakes but the position I was in, the position they put me in...”
“They?”
“The tabloids the publicity of it all. Neither of us wanted that and it made things so difficult. I wasn’t ready for all that. If they had...”
“You’re blaming other people for your mistakes? Wow, I didn’t think you were that much of a coward, Pine.”
Last names. Chris could feel everything slipping away from him, everything that he had finally decided he wanted. Too late, too slow, too cowardly to take a chance when it actually mattered. Their beers stood unopened on the bench, all of their flavour and effervescence trapped inside - potential unrealised.
Zach had moved back to lean against the fridge and his voice was as cold as its contents.
“So. What if I forgave you for all of this - placated your guilty conscience, what then? We keep going? Muted, colourless? When you smiled at me, could I trust that it was you, that it was real? When I came in you, cried out your name, could you trust that I meant it? That I wasn’t thinking of someone else, someone I’d been with to wash away the pain of you?”
It was Chris’ face that was wet with tears now, not that much of it could be seen - buried as it was in the palms of his hands.
Zach scoffed.
“Honestly, are you telling me this because you want to be open? You want to be honest - get it off your chest? Or do you want to be truthful so that I’ll be truthful? You know, ‘show me yours and I’ll show you mine’? ‘I did this horrible thing and I’m telling you so feel free to tell me some horrible things you’ve done to make me feel better about what I did?’”
“No,” Chris replied shakily.
“Who knows,” Zach dismissed bitterly, “Fuck, I don’t know if I can believe a word you say sometimes.”
Chris looked up from his hands, eyes so blue from tears and emotion that they could have cut through diamonds.
“Then believe this. No matter what you say, how you feel about what I did, whether you think you can ever forgive me - no matter what, I will do everything, everything I can to fix this, to make you love me again.”
“Don’t be so pathetic,” Zach retorted, but it was without the venom of earlier - pain was beginning to overwhelm the anger.
“I don’t care if it is pathetic, Zach. I finally, finally found the strength to be with you. I’m not going to lose you... lose all of this - the life that we could have together because I made the worst fucking decision of my life.”
He walked to the front door and picked up his bags, wrapping them with cruel tightness around his wrists.
“I’m going to go home and unpack. Then I’m going to figure out what I have to do to make this right. Zach?”
Zach looked up at him from the kitchen doorway, all shadows and silence.
“I am going to make this right. I love you to pieces, you understand? I promise I’ll make you smile again.”
With that he was out the door and Zach was left to slide down the doorjamb, his knees pulled up to his chest. He didn’t know when the shaking started but he knew that darkness came long before he had the power to stand.
Part Nine
Fandom: RPF
Pairing: Pinto
Series Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just love 'em
Warnings: , long-term angst, Chris/OFC
Summary: Part 8 of 11. Zach has a crush on Chris but Chris really doesn't want to know. A lot of angst, UST and crappy decision making follows and eventually, Zach has to make a choice.
Follows the songs from Frou Frou's album, Details - which is my favourite album of all time, just to be melodramatic. The song's aren't in order, I sorted them as needed for the story arc. Normally I don't do songfics but this story just flowed out of the album for me, so I went for it.
Only Got One is track 6 on the album and the lyrics for all the songs on Details can be found here. If you haven't heard it and you can get your hands (electronic or otherwise) on the album, I thoroughly recommend it.
Download Only Got One
A/N: Wow, once again I go from not being able to write, to 'hmmm, why not crank out a chapter in twenty-four hours?' This chapter's a little longer than the last one but still considerably shorter than the earlier ones. I think that's because the chapter arcs in this later stage of the story are much more compact than the earlier ones. It will probably stay this way as well until the end of the fic - the last chapter may be a long one though, not sure yet.
As always enjoy and feel free to comment, I do love the comments... :D
P.S. I apologise for my overuse of ellipses once again - they are my friends but they're the kind of friends that keep asking for money and never have the time when you ask for it.
He came in the door, hair still ruffled from his journey, luggage still wrapped around his wrists, his arms corded with the effort of holding them. The look on his face was... no, he couldn’t read it, couldn’t read him - it was as though he stared at a stranger and that scared him more than anything else.
“Where did you go?”
“New York.”
Zach nodded to show that he’d heard, his head swimming with the possibilities.
“I was going to go home first but I thought... I thought I should let you know that I was back.”
“You could have just rung me.”
Chris shifted his weight, readjusting his hold on the bags.
“Yeah but there’s stuff I need to tell you, decisions I’ve made. If I went home I could avoid telling you and that can’t happen. This needs to be said.”
The evil butterflies in Zach’s stomach morphed into knives and he felt his expression slide into something detached and impersonal - if he had to feel this, please God don’t let it show, don’t let him see it.
“Can I... put my stuff down?”
Why was he asking? A week ago they had been sharing a bed, now there was a hesitation in everything they did around each other - men tip-toeing over a sea of shattered glass.
“Sure.”
Chris dropped his bags by the front door, where he had been standing since he arrived. He looked at a loss as to what to do next. Zach tried to ignore the butterflies-come-knives in his belly and offered Chris a beer.
“Uh, yeah that’d be great,” he replied and they both headed into the kitchen, Chris propping himself up against the bench while Zach went to the fridge.
“So,” Zach started, his face still hidden by the door of the fridge, “what’s this thing that you so desperately need to tell me?”
Chris’ grip on the counter behind him tightened and he fixed his gaze on the brand name etched into the fridge door. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Zach craned back to look at him.
“What, you don’t want to talk about it? Should I be scared?” he joked, but it was a poor shadow of humour.
“Is it a lie if I say maybe?”
Zach closed the fridge door quietly and folded his arms.
“Okay. Then let’s have it.”
“I had a lot of time to think in the past week, away from everything, everyone and I came to some pretty big decisions.”
Zach nodded as he tried to stop his fingernails from digging into the sides of his arms. Chris took a deep breath and brought his head up to look Zach squarely in the eyes.
“I love you.”
It was stated so firmly and so obviously that Zach’s stomach dropped in beautiful slow motion, the way that it does on a plane dropping in altitude with breath-stealing speed. It was that first step off the cliff, that dip before a hill and Zach blissfully dismissed all of those moments in favour of this one.
“And it’s not just that I love you,” Chris continued, “I love you to the point where I don’t want to be with anyone else, to the point where all that paparazzi crap just falls away and there’s just you and me.”
Chris pushed away from the bench and walked forward, placing his hands on the sides of Zach’s face.
“I love you like there’s not enough air to breathe in the room. I could live for the smell of you, the feel of you, your laugh, your evil grin. You’re everything in my life that’s right and you have been through so much shit to be with me.”
Zach’s hands slid slowly up Chris’ forearms until they rested against his hands. Chris’ gaze, so intense a moment before dimmed and he moved away from Zach, hands following hands until they stood, body to body, fingers linked like they were completing a circuit.
“And I’m just hoping that all of that’s enough to get us past what I’m about to tell you because I also made a very stupid mistake while I was away.”
Hands tightened and both men braced themselves against their own terrifying expectations.
“I slept with someone in New York.”
There was an ache in Zach’s head, spreading all over his body, followed quickly by a numbness that some dispassionate part of his mind observed was probably better than the alternative. He looked down at his hands and noticed that they were facing him, palms up - he’d let go of Chris.
“Zach? Z-zach, can you hear me?”
Zach kept looking at his hands, the long sweep of his hair falling like a shroud over his eyes.
“Her name was Celia and... I’d love to say it meant nothing, Zach but honestly, without her I don’t think I’d have come to the understanding about myself that I did. I know it hurts but I was in such a bad place and she was so... so... normal that... It was just nice to pretend for a bit. Like nothing had ever changed. But it had changed, Zach, I know that now. And going back to that, to what I knew, what I thought I still wanted... it was like putting on your favourite sweater from years ago - it’s still wonderful to look at, even wear but it doesn’t fit anymore. It just feels wrong and I’m so, so sorry that I had to betray you like that to finally understand. God, Zach I am so sorry.”
Chris had seen the single tear tracing its way down Zachary’s face, nearly hidden by the sheaf of hair.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, horrified at what he’d done to the man he loved.
Zach just shook his head mutely. Slowly at first and then with an increasing vehemence.
“No, no, no I don’t wanna hear his, I don’t.”
“Zach.”
“No! You thought fucking some girl to ‘fix’ yourself would be okay with me?! I’d love to hear the line of thought that brought you to that conclusion but I don’t think my mind could follow something that twisted.”
He was angry. Good, he could do angry. If he stayed angry this emptiness in the middle of his chest might not consume him.
“Please, Zach. Please understand. I love you, I wish I’d never met her, I wish I’d never...”
Zach was smiling but it was unlike any smile that Chris had ever seen. It made him want to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness... or possibly mercy.
“Any chance we had, any chance of this actually working, you’ve ruined.”
“Don’t say that,” Chris whispered, “I know I made mistakes but the position I was in, the position they put me in...”
“They?”
“The tabloids the publicity of it all. Neither of us wanted that and it made things so difficult. I wasn’t ready for all that. If they had...”
“You’re blaming other people for your mistakes? Wow, I didn’t think you were that much of a coward, Pine.”
Last names. Chris could feel everything slipping away from him, everything that he had finally decided he wanted. Too late, too slow, too cowardly to take a chance when it actually mattered. Their beers stood unopened on the bench, all of their flavour and effervescence trapped inside - potential unrealised.
Zach had moved back to lean against the fridge and his voice was as cold as its contents.
“So. What if I forgave you for all of this - placated your guilty conscience, what then? We keep going? Muted, colourless? When you smiled at me, could I trust that it was you, that it was real? When I came in you, cried out your name, could you trust that I meant it? That I wasn’t thinking of someone else, someone I’d been with to wash away the pain of you?”
It was Chris’ face that was wet with tears now, not that much of it could be seen - buried as it was in the palms of his hands.
Zach scoffed.
“Honestly, are you telling me this because you want to be open? You want to be honest - get it off your chest? Or do you want to be truthful so that I’ll be truthful? You know, ‘show me yours and I’ll show you mine’? ‘I did this horrible thing and I’m telling you so feel free to tell me some horrible things you’ve done to make me feel better about what I did?’”
“No,” Chris replied shakily.
“Who knows,” Zach dismissed bitterly, “Fuck, I don’t know if I can believe a word you say sometimes.”
Chris looked up from his hands, eyes so blue from tears and emotion that they could have cut through diamonds.
“Then believe this. No matter what you say, how you feel about what I did, whether you think you can ever forgive me - no matter what, I will do everything, everything I can to fix this, to make you love me again.”
“Don’t be so pathetic,” Zach retorted, but it was without the venom of earlier - pain was beginning to overwhelm the anger.
“I don’t care if it is pathetic, Zach. I finally, finally found the strength to be with you. I’m not going to lose you... lose all of this - the life that we could have together because I made the worst fucking decision of my life.”
He walked to the front door and picked up his bags, wrapping them with cruel tightness around his wrists.
“I’m going to go home and unpack. Then I’m going to figure out what I have to do to make this right. Zach?”
Zach looked up at him from the kitchen doorway, all shadows and silence.
“I am going to make this right. I love you to pieces, you understand? I promise I’ll make you smile again.”
With that he was out the door and Zach was left to slide down the doorjamb, his knees pulled up to his chest. He didn’t know when the shaking started but he knew that darkness came long before he had the power to stand.
Part Nine