Oneshot - Undeserving
undeserving; pg; general; kangin + yesung
summary: kangin sometimes thinks he doesn’t deserve to be loved
author's notes: finally, a kangye from me! *pets otp* not much plot in this though. wrote this merely for the sake of contributing to the measly collection of kangye fics in the fandom, lol.
++ undeserving ++
Kangin sometimes thinks he doesn’t deserve to be loved.
Love from his family, love from his friends, love from the fans… after all the stupid things he’d done, why is he still loved by these people?
He knows they are disappointed in him, he knows they don’t condone what had happened. But they tell him, time and time again, that they will still stand by him, that they still believe in and love him. Their strong faith in him humbles him and he wishes, wishes, he could turn back time and make right of everything. But he can’t and so he is forced to bear the weight of their unwavering support for him on his conscience. He hates that he is indebted to them in such a way, but at the same time, he is secretly glad, so glad, knowing that they still love him.
But of everyone who loves him, he feels he is most undeserving of that person’s love. That person deserves much better; certainly not the rare tears, worry and hurt he’s put the other through. Ever since he’d stepped away from the limelight, he’s been trying to push that person away, but he should have known better. Because despite his geniality, that person is as stubborn as a mule.
And said person is frowning at him now, hands on his hips. “You’re drinking again.”
Kangin scowls. “Mind your own business, Yesung-ah,” he snaps, and makes a show of taking a deep swig of his beer; he can be as stubborn as a mule too.
Yesung narrows his eyes and clucks his tongue, then turns away and starts picking up the empty bowls of instant ramyeon, crushed beer cans and other nitnacks.
Kangin feels his irritation bubbling; no, he’s not irritated at Yesung per se, but he’s irritated at what Yesung is doing. “Stop that! I told you I don’t need you acting like my maid!”
“I wouldn’t have to if you keep this place clean,” Yesung retorts over his shoulder.
“This is my house!” Kangin practically roars.
Yesung says nothing. Instead, with the load of the rubbish in his arms, he gives Kangin a steely glare then heads to the kitchen. Kangin swears loudly and hurls his can of beer on the floor, the impact a sharp, rattling echo in the small living room. But Yesung is seemingly unaffected; hardly a muscle jumps and he keeps to his course.
When Yesung disappears from view, Kangin swears again. He doesn’t understand why Yesung can’t just keep away; the other comes by at least twice a week, on nights where he doesn’t have to dazzle audiences as Jung Myeongsoo. And for every time Kangin puts up a rude act, Yesung remains unfazed, keeping his skin thick, but unfortunately the quick flashes of hurt in his eyes are not missed by Kangin. He hates himself for being cruel to Yesung but he has to because…
He gives himself a mental shake. He gets up from the couch and stalks to the kitchen. Yesung is at the sink, washing his hands. There’s a black trash bag by his feet, tied up and ready to be taken out.
“Yah!“ he begins, ready to be cruel and unkind again.
Yesung starts slightly, looking over his shoulder. But he recovers quickly. “I’m almost done,” he says, his voice uncharacteristically harsh and curt. “I’ll take the trash out and you can go back to getting drunk. I don’t want to care anymore.”
Kangin says nothing; he can’t say anything because all of a sudden there’s a lump in his throat.
Yesung twists the tap off jerkily and after hastily wiping his hands on his jeans, he grabs the trash bag. Seemingly frozen, Kangin can only watch the other walk past him, and it’s only after he hears the front door open then close is he able to react, staggering to the nearest wall as if unable to support his own weight. His mind goes blank for a while, and when he remembers Yesung’s words, he straightens and before he knows it, he’s out of the kitchen and out of his apartment.
He takes the stairs, and by the time he reaches the ground floor, he’s quite out of breath. He spots a familiar silhouette up ahead and breaks into a run. At the sound of his approach, Yesung stops and looks over his shoulder, and as Kangin draws closer, he is taken aback by the red moistness he sees in Yesung’s eyes.
“What do you want?”
Kangin comes to a halt inches away. Yesung sounds weary, not hostile, and he decides to take it as a good sign. “I… I want…” He falters, swallowing slightly, suddenly unsure. He rakes a hand through his hair, rubs the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, Jongwoon-ah,” he blurts out.
Yesung’s eyes widen in surprise. “What? What did you say?”
Kangin dares a scowl. “I said I’m sorry.”
“And what exactly are you sorry for?” Yesung asks, frowning now, and it seems to Kangin that the other is being a touch sarcastic.
“I know I’ve been a jerk,” he grouses. “But it’s only because I want you to stay away. You don’t seem to get that though.”
“No, I don’t get that. Why must you do such a thing? I thought we’re friends. We may not be close as we used to, but we’re still friends, right?”
If only Yesung knows the reason why they are not close as they once were. Kangin was the one who had deliberately put a distance of sorts between them, not that it did much good since Yesung would always try to bridge the gap somehow, whether consciously or not. The reason why Kangin has an outward aversion to Yesung’s touches is not because he doesn’t like them; it’s because he does.
“Of course we’re friends.”
Yesung’s frown deepens. “Then why do you want me to stay away? If it’s Teukie hyung or Heechul hyung, would you have pushed them away too?”
Should he lie? It’d be easier that way. But looking at Yesung’s confused expression, he finds he can’t. “No.”
“No?” Yesung echoes. “Then only me? What’s wrong with me? You said we’re friends and yet you don’t like that I care for you.” He steps closer and Kangin is too stunned by the hurt that sweeps swiftly over Yesung’s face to take a step back. “Why, Youngwoon-ah? What is it about me that makes you be like this?” he presses.
Kangin doesn’t stop to think; he reaches out and cups Yesung’s face. “Nothing’s wrong with you!” he growls, and for a second there he can’t help but think how his big hands frame the beautiful heart-shaped face perfectly. “It’s just me, alright? You understand me?”
Yesung says nothing, merely blinks, clearly too stunned to react. And Kangin, realizing he’s being quite out of character, hastily pulls away.
“I don’t understand you,” Yesung finally says, his voice soft and huskier than usual.
“Then don’t try.”
Yesung cocks his head slightly. “Then I want to know just one thing. Do you really dislike me coming over and checking up on you?”
He sighs. “Yes… and no.”
“You’re the weird one in the group, not me or Heechul hyung.”
Kangin smiles slightly at that. “And I’m also the troublesome one.”
“You are,” Yesung agrees, and Kangin fails to stifle his grin in time. Yesung is not the type who tries to sugarcoat stuff, and for that, Kangin is thankful because pity is the last thing he needs from Yesung.
“So why do you still care?” he asks, half in jest.
“I will always care for you, no matter what happens,” Yesung says, and suddenly the moment feels strangely intimate. “I don’t mean what I said earlier, by the way. I was just so… frustrated. I really thought you hated me.”
“I can never hate you,” Kangin says quickly. But then he catches himself and clears his throat. “I mean, you can be annoying and irritating sometimes but to hate you… that is a bit too much.”
Yesung smiles then, and he looks boyish and young and innocent. “So you love me?” he teases, and Kangin thinks he’s imagining the flash of something in Yesung’s eyes.
“You wish,” he scoffs, but inwardly he’s wincing because he hears clearly the slight gruff in his voice. If Eeteuk’s standing before him right now, the leader would have lifted an eyebrow, a knowing look in his eyes. He is therefore glad that Yesung is not nearly as perceptive as their leader. “Stop being cheesy and sentimental. We’re not girls.”
Once again, Kangin thinks he’s imagining the flash of something in Yesung’s eyes. “You’re mean,” Yesung says then, pouting slightly, and he doesn’t look like he’s hurt or expecting something more. Kangin doesn’t know if he should feel glad or disappointed.
“Then go away.”
Yesung shakes his head. “Not going to happen, now that I know you don’t hate me. Yes, yes, I know you don’t love me either,” he adds quickly before Kangin can say anything. “Let’s go back. I’m sure there’s something in your fridge for me to work with.” In an instant, he grabs Kangin’s wrist and tugs him back towards the apartment block.
“Y-yah, let go of me!” Kangin sputters, and purely out of instinct, he tries to twist out of Yesung’s grip. In response, Yesung tightens his hold, but not it would do much good because Kangin knows he can still disengage himself quite easily. Yet in the next instant, he finds himself going limp, unwilling to struggle further, and he admits it to himself that he doesn’t want Yesung to let go. Just this once, he thinks, he will take comfort in the solid pressure of Yesung’s fingers around his wrist, the reassuring warmth it gives.
When they reach the elevator and Yesung lets go, Kangin has to clamp down the impulse to hold him back. Instead, he scowls and mumbles, “Idiot, why don’t you just go away?”
Said idiot grins and says, “Because we’re friends and I love you, even if you don't.”
When one of the elevator doors pings open and Yesung playfully shoves him inside, Kangin tells himself he really isn’t deserving of Yesung’s love, not even as a friend.
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