Very funny and oh so true!

Nov 15, 2005 12:37

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
> particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
> football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
> you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
> found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
> did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
> blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
> these kids: lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
> you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
> you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
> about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle
> of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
> water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured
> water.
>
> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
> pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
> bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will
> be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
> Security crisis.
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
> asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
> half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
> huge asshole.
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
> card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
> deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
> who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
> Joy.
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
> make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
> translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
> spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
> spiritual. You're just high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
> sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
> watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
> What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
> It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
> I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
> television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
> so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
> reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
> wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
> weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
> Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
> isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
> I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
> just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.
> I just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
> months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
> And I didn't really care in the first place.
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