Lapse
So. The war in and of itself. The greatness of the Fire Nation. The nature of ambition. The swearing of vengeance. All of this has been because of events in the past, by two indomitable men: one man I know as grandfather, Sozin, for whom I am named, and his greatness in defeating the Air nomads. Now I know I am descended not only from Sozin but Roku himself, the last avatar before the boy I have sought after. And the war itself, the defeat, only possible because Sozin betrayed his family and watched his brother die.
I should applaud this feat. I know my father sought to force uncle to lose his birthright. I thought him the proper Fire lord. He did this and gave my brother his scar for all of his insolence. I should applaud his actions. They are meaningful, and they have fueled the fires within me. I have longed to be like father: ambitious, strong, cruel. These things I have become, and even if I've made enemies, the road has made me stronger.
But these doubt come to my mind, and I blame this horrible place. I know I care for no one now, not even those two I shared myself with. They meant something then, but now I see that it was nothing meant for me. I gave myself into a feeling of being cared, loved, and that was thrown back at me. A lesson. Those feelings of another understanding me, caring only for me, false. I am a warrior, a fighter, and my path is to be alone. If that were not true, perhaps I would have something for those pains. I do not.
Mercury. I've seen her, and she is comatose. I am obeying the instructions set forth by Sasuke: after seeing her within that twenty four hour period, I will not see her. All the better. She would not like to be crowded, and she is wary of so many people. I would find the thought distasteful myself. Her other would not tell me what entailed that would make her this way. I can respect that. I do not know the lengths doubles go to ensure that personal journeys are enjoyed only by those who seek them.
But I admit that I am saddened I could not be with that girl. Until Zuko, she is the only one I cared about, that meant something, that was not an underachieving buffoon trying to teach me the ways of "good." I need not learn something so irrelevant.
But her. I won't lie. I do not wish her to suffer any longer, no matter what anyone says. That is a strange feeling, one I have not had for anyone. I can't be a part of her crowd: I am not her double, a Usagi, or even the goddess. I am a mere person, a friend, a roommate. If she vanishes now, I do not think I would will myself to be here much longer. It is...hard to put these blasted feelings into words, words I will hate the moment they have left these fingers. But they are true, and a soldier should never shirk from that.
I am ...happy Zuko is here. I have missed family, albeit traitorous. I was not happy at first, because of the things I have seen in this year with him. But I will watch over him. I won't let the things that have occurred before happen. And however angry father was at him, I do not think I could ever watch my brother die.
I feel very tired these days. I wish I could boast how easily I could overcome these things, that such weak feelings were for fools. This place afflicts me with these emotions, this foolish sense of pride in preventing the inevitable death of others.
No, it is not that.
I remember Mercury the day the Entropi attacked. I am a military commander, and I normally am used to the reaction of the battlefield. That day she had the strength and determination and intelligence this filthy place barely wishes it could have. That day I knew I would have respect for her, whatever she might chose, because there was no gain in her helping the fools. But she did it anyway.
I do not fail to recognize a soldier of a caliber greater than many.